“Why are you so calm?” Paris asks. “I was a bloody mess when I found out.”
“I have a few theories,” I begin and Rebel mutters of course you do. “I’m suffering from some imposter-like syndrome, where I don’t actually believe this is my reality or diagnosis. Number two, I’m experiencing this through a camera-like lens and it feels like a movie to me and not my life.”
“Those two are exactly the same thing, just said differently,” Paris mumbles.
She has a point.
“Option three is to accept this is my reality. I spent the day with Max and he’s adorable and I love him. I can be a single mom,” I affirm.
“Having a baby in theory and really raising one are two different things. Newborns are hard. At least Tobias was helpful when Max was little. That’s why I stayed with him. I needed the extra hands,” Paris explains, and she takes a seat on the couch and crosses her legs.
“If you want to have the baby, I can’t imagine Cole not supporting you,” Rebel says.
“I don’t want to be supported. I have goals. I don’t want to rely on anyone or have anyone control me anymore,” I say.
“You had a hard time with your dad controlling your life and I get it, but Cole isn’t your dad. I know it’s hard to take a risk on someone because after the example I had from my parents I never thought I would fall in love, but here I am and Wolfe is loving and supportive,” Rebel says getting that lovey dovey look she gets when she speaks of Wolfe.
“I don’t want to be with Cole and I don’t want him to feel obligated to be with me. I really don’t want to talk about a relationship with Cole at all,” I say.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you.” She walks over to me and wraps her arm around me. I hug her back and suddenly I feel so tired.
“You know I’m here for you, Holly,” Paris says. “I’m not going back to Philly and I know a thing or two about babies, so you have me to help you. I’ll be by your side and support you.”
Tears flood my eyes and I walk over to the couch, plop down by my sister, and take her hand in mine. “That means a lot.”
“I’m not going anywhere,” she repeats.
“I feel bad that I wasn’t there for you more. You must have been so scared,” I say to her.
“I was scared but you were a sophomore in high school, you couldn’t possibly understand what I was going through and Dad wanted me out. If I had stayed, he would have been a terror to deal with, and you needed him,” she explains, trying to make me feel better.
“I love you so much. I’m so happy you’re home.” I throw my arms around her neck and she almost topples over.
She laughs. “I love you too but have you thought about school?”
I pull away. “No. See, I told you my mind is all over. I’ve gone semi-insane.”
“You can get accommodations at school. There’s a girl I met back in Philly; she was in one of my early motherhood courses. She was my age but her parents supported her and took care of her son and the college there was really good about it. All colleges have accommodations,” Paris says.
“Yeah, you’re probably right, but I don’t have money. The car will pay for this year but what about next? And how will I pay for diapers and formula? And please don’t say Cole. I get he is the father and will need to have some role in the baby’s life, but I will not allow him to support us and that’s final,” I say firmly.
“Take a chill pill,” Paris says.
“Let’s take things one step at a time.” Rebel steps in. “When is this baby due?”
“According to my calculation, March. I didn’t let the doctor do an ultrasound. I kind of had a mental breakdown instead.” I wince.
“I can go with you,” Rebel offers.
“Me too,” Paris agrees. “Whatever you need.”
It feels really good knowing I have these two in my corner, but eventually Rebel will leave Westfall and Paris needs to find a way to go back to school. She can’t waitress the rest of her life. She sure as hell can’t rely on Tobias.
“I guess, the first step is to sell my car and settle this year’s tuition. Then I’ll make an appointment with Academic Affairs to see what kind of help I can get with academic support. This baby is coming before the end of second semester, which means I probably won’t be able to finish the semester and write the MCATs in the summer,” I declare.
“Just because your life isn’t going according to plan doesn’t mean it won’t work out in the end,” Rebel says.
“Yeah, I guess.” I think on some level I always knew that I couldn’t give up this baby, and after speaking with my sister and best friend it just solidifies what I felt in my heart. That I can’t give this baby away.
“I have something else to tell you,” I say to Paris and Rebel.
“I don’t think I can handle anything else tonight,” Paris jokes.
“What is it? You’re scaring me,” Rebel says.
I tell them how Cole met Mom in the hospital. That his mother was in the next bed and they spent their last days together. Probably speaking of their children. I tell them how Mom comforted Cole when his mother passed prematurely from a reaction to the chemo.
They both remain silent and just look at me, and it kind of freaks me out.
“Say anything,” I say to the two of them.
“Do you believe in fate?” Rebel asks.
“No,” I answer honestly. “But now that it’s torn down my door, how can I ignore her?”
“You need to tell Cole about the pregnancy. He deserves to know,” Paris says.
“I just need a few days,” I say.
“Okay.” Paris nods.
“How messed up is this, guys? I don’t even remember having sex and I’m pregnant,” I laugh from the stress of the whole situation.
“That’s messed up. Maybe you and Cole need a redo. You know, so at least there was fun involved in the impregnating process.” Rebel waggles her brows. “And on the positive side, you can’t get pregnant because you already are.”
“That isn’t funny,” I say but I laugh. Or maybe the joke is on me. I don’t know. I think of a night with Cole and my first thought is how I could definitely use the sex. I’ve been so horny and Cole is so damn hot and nice and kind… I shut down that thought fast because things just got a whole lot complicated.
Twenty-Five
Cole
It’s been a full week and I haven’t heard back from Holland. I drove by Rebel’s house more than once but I never stopped. She must be so stressed out; I didn’t want to add to it but she needs to face me at some point. She’s had a week to think and so have I. If she keeps this baby I want to be in its life and not as some passive father.
I wish I could talk to Granny Mae about this whole situation, but I don’t know if she is even pregnant and I don’t want to worry her unless I’m certain. Wolfe doesn’t know anything and I obviously wouldn’t want to put him in a position to help me because that would require Rebel betraying Holland and that’s not cool.
I’ve sent her at least a hundred text messages this week, just asking if she is okay and if I could help in any way, but they’ve all gone unanswered. Plus she has her suitcases here, which means she doesn’t even have her clothes. And what about her car? She needs that money to pay for school, even though I’m guessing that is the least of her worries now.
Classes start tomorrow and. . .there’s a knock at my front door.
I walk over to see Holland standing there. Large framed black plastic sunglasses cover her eyes. Her hair falls over her shoulders and even in a simple T-shirt and jeans she is utterly breathtaking. I try to calm my hammering heart. She’s here. That means she’s ready to talk, but about what? Maybe Wolfe and I went overboard on the whole baby scenario. She looks glum. Maybe not.
I open the door, “Hi,” I say softly.
“Can I come in?” she asks.
I step aside and laugh nervously. “Of course. Come in. Are you okay?” Was it too soon to ask? I don’t w
ant to scare her away.
She has a purse strapped across her shoulders and she holds on to the strap and rubs it nervously as she walks into the family room.
“We should sit down,” she says.
“Sure.” I extend my hand for her to take a seat first and then I sit too. Sweat pops on my forehead. This is supposed to be my year in hockey, but what if she’s pregnant?
“I have something to say,” she begins. “It’s going to sound crazy. Or maybe it just sounds crazy to me because I don’t remember our night together.”
I keep still, afraid to move. The fact that she doesn’t remember our night feels like she is throwing salt on an open wound, but my gut tells me that Wolfe and I were not off base on our assumption.
“Would you like me to refresh your memory? I can try but I have some blurry moments too. We drank a lot that night,” I say, and I want to punch myself because that sounded so stupid.
“Yeah,” she says and she rubs her palms along her thighs and takes a deep breath. “I’m pregnant,” she blurts, dropping a bomb out of nowhere.
I nod my head slowly. This is real.
“Cole?” she asks enunciating my name slowly.
“Yeah,” I answer and my voice is so high-pitched I sound like I am going through puberty all over again.
She stands. “I know this is a lot to take in.” She begins to pace back and forth. “I don’t really know if I’m actually in touch with reality right now, but I don’t want to give this baby up. I want to have it and keep it. I also still want to become a doctor and I don’t know how that’s going to work, and I have to sell my car, ASAP,” she says speaking so fast.
I stand up and take her hands in mine. “Okay, whatever you need.”
Her jaw drops. “Did you hear what I just said? I am pregnant with your baby. I don’t even remember having sex with you,” she grumbles.
“We need to rectify that sometime soon,” I say, and she growls and pulls away from me. So we’re not there yet. “Sorry.”
“This is serious, Cole,” she chides. “There is a baby in my stomach. It is going to require a whole lot of love and attention and I hear the first few months can be hell.”
“I want to be there for you and the baby,” I assure her.
Her brow furrows and she looks like she is contemplating, “Did Rebel tell you about the baby already? Or was it Wolfe?”
“No one told me. I put the pieces together. You were throwing up and you were tired. You said it wasn’t a serious illness and you asked me if I wore a condom. It wasn’t rocket science, beautiful.”
“You need to stop calling me that,” she says and her eyes dart back and forth. She is super overwhelmed. “If we are having this baby, it doesn’t mean we are together. There needs to be boundaries.”
“But you have to admit there is something between us. You’re attracted to me and I am so attracted to you and. . .”
“Stop.” She lifts her hand up. “I’m just really overwhelmed right now. I don’t know how much more I can handle.”
“We are having a baby together. I want to be in its life. I want to be in your life. I know you’re scared. I’m scared too. Let’s be scared together. We are attracted to each other and we’ve become very good friends and. . .”
“Cole, please.” Her tone is pleading. “I told you I can’t do relationships. I need to focus on this baby and on school.”
“Because relationships aren’t meant to last?” I ask her. “It’s exactly what I believed until I met you. You’ve become my best friend and the fact that I want you again and again; it means that maybe I was wrong,” I say and wait for her reaction. I’m pushing her hard and I feel bad about it, but she needs to know where I stand.
“You weren’t wrong. You were right but I’m an independent woman. I want to stay that way,” she states and her lower lip quivers. I try to think of her point of view. She dealt with a controlling father who wanted to rule every aspect of her life. She definitely doesn’t need that from me.
“Okay, but just know I am here for you. Whatever you need. Not just for the baby.” I look into her eyes and she starts to cry.
“This is a mess,” she says.
“It’s going to be okay. I think all this is happening for a reason and I think our moms had something to do with this from heaven,” I suggest, realizing that she will probably think I am a nut about now.
“You do?” she asks and she sniffles. Her question reinforces how much this girl gets me.
“Yeah.” I take her in my arms and hold her. “You’re not alone.”
“Thanks,” she sighs, and having her arms wrapped around me like this makes me feel something in the center of my chest. I’m going to be a dad. We’re going to have a baby. Holy fuck!!!! I am screaming in my head and panicking, but I can’t show Holland what I am feeling. She is terrified and alone.
She pulls away. “I better get going. I should probably move my stuff back to Rebel’s at some point.”
“Did Paris move out of there?” I ask.
She shakes her head. “I’ve been sleeping on the couch, it’s fine.”
“You can stay here. You have your own room here. You’ll be comfortable.” I can take care of you.
“I can’t afford it. With the pregnancy, I won’t be able to work as much and go to school. I’ve been kind of exhausted and I appreciate that you may offer me financial assistance, but I don’t want it,” she says. Always so stubborn.
“Then at least let me help you sell the car and please agree to stay here. The rent is really reasonable,” I say, hoping like hell she’ll say yes.
“Okay.” She nods. “Thank you.”
She heads upstairs and I head outside to call Granny Mae because I am seriously about to piss myself.
Twenty-Six
Holland
“The best advice I can give you is to take second semester off,” my student advisor says.
“But I really need to write the MCATs this summer. I can’t do that without the proper amount of credits and prerequisites,” I say, feeling the back of my throat burning. I’ve worked so hard. I can’t let this pregnancy derail my life.
My student advisor frowns and watches me with sad eyes. “You can get tests deferred until the end of the semester. You can even have your exams pushed back a bit, but when are you going to study while taking care of a newborn? The first months are tough on anyone. You mentioned that you will be a single mother?”
“The father is in the picture but yes, I plan to raise this child as a single,” I confirm.
“Then take the semester off. Take time to bond with your new baby. By the time the fall semester begins your baby will be. . .” She counts on her fingers. “Six months. At that point you can put the child into one of the daycare facilities here at the university. You will be able to go to class and have time to study.”
“I’ll have to wait a full year to write the MCATs.”
“Yes, that’s true, but given your circumstances it’s the best option.” She presses her lips together like that statement is final and maybe it is the most logical.
“Okay.” I nod.
“I can take care of filing that paperwork for you then,” she offers.
“Thank you.”
“Well, if there is anything else, please let me know. Good luck, Holland,” she says, and I thank her again and leave the student services building. I head over to the doctor’s clinic where Cole is meeting me for my ultrasound. I should’ve had it done a couple of weeks ago, but things got busy once classes started and I dove right into the work. This ultrasound is very much overdue and I feel very panicky about seeing this baby for the first time. Will I love it? Hate it? I know it has derailed my life. Not that it is at fault.
I stop for a smoothie before heading to the clinic because I feel parched. By the time I get to the clinic I am winded. This pregnancy is whipping my ass.
“Hey,” Cole says.
He’s already here.
Not surprising.
/> He’s been a really supportive friend. He drove my car to the Cape and Daniel was able to find a reasonable buyer. School tuition has been paid for the year, even though I am guessing that I am going to now get reimbursed for second semester.
“How did your meeting go?” he asks.
“Meh.” I tilt my head from side to side. “I have to defer second semester. Seems to be the best choice. That means I have to put off writing the MCAT for a year.”
“Okay, then I’m going to put off drafting too,” he says.
My eyes almost bulge out of my head. “Cole, you can’t do that. This is your last year to draft. If you don’t, you can end up on a farm team.”
“It isn’t fair that you have to put your life on hold for this baby. That’s what Granny Mae brought to my attention so if you need to defer, then so do I. Don’t fight me on this, Holland. I grew up with a dad who put his company before family. My mom gave up her legal career to be by my father’s side. I’d never ask that of you and I know…” He lifts up his hand. “We aren’t together but we are in this together.”
My heart stutters. Who is this man? And when can I meet Granny Mae so I can hug her?
“I can’t tell you what to do, it’s your life, but if you don’t draft this year, you’re going to get screwed. I can still apply to medical school. It just means that I have to do it a year later,” I explain.
“And if I draft, I’ll have to move who knows where. I’m not leaving you or this baby,” he says. He’s clearly given this thought.
“I have to check in. I’m a few minutes late,” I say.
He nods but he looks solemn.
I check in but all I can think about is that Cole can’t give up on his dreams for this baby.
The technician puts some jelly on my stomach and then moves the wand around. “Where are you little one?” she asks the screen.
She applies a little more pressure.
“There we go,” she preens.
“It’s shaped like a baby,” I say.
She laughs. “It sure is. You are fourteen weeks and three days. The size and measurements look good. Now let’s listen to the heartbeat.”
Ruthless Player: A College Hockey Romance (Westfall U Series) Page 16