by T. A. Foster
He sat on the bench beside me and looked up at the branches hanging over us. “I think that’s what the police will believe. Don’t you?”
“You’re disgusting.”
“Am I? Why, because I fell in love with you? If you want to be mad at someone, be angry with yourself.”
“How can you put this on me?”
“Because everything I did was because I was in love with you.”
“Love? How do you call it that?”
“Because I knew that first night we kissed we belonged together. The walk back after book club was the slow seduction. You were pulling me in, dangling the forbidden fruit in front of me. Daring me to kiss me. And you know it. It may have taken you longer to figure it out that you loved me, but you did.” He placed a hand on my coat, over my belly. “And now we’re going to be parents together. We’re bringing a person into the world together. There’s no stronger testament to our love than this baby. This was fate. You are my fate.”
“I won’t stay.”
He swung one leg over the bench, straddling it like a horse and leaned toward me. “You will. Because this will die down. It will fade. You’ll need me again. You’ll want my help.”
“You’re sick. I’ll never ask you to help me.”
“God, I know you better than you do.” I could feel his breath across my cheek as he whispered in my ear. “All those nights you were helpless. You couldn’t sleep. You wandered the house from room to room. You used me. You were so lost and broken that you begged to be in my bed. I knew what you were doing, and I let you. Fuck the memories away, right? It was never enough. You’d cry and then sometimes you’d laugh. You’d drink an entire bottle of wine then ask me to screw you all night.” His eyes hardened. “I gave you what you wanted. Every fucking time.”
My breaths were shallow, fighting for air.
He continued. “You’re not innocent in this. We built this life together. You helped me every step of the way. And I love you for it. I love you, Audrey. I won the senate race because of you. And governor, hell did you know the polls showed voters were eight times as likely to vote for me if I married you? You got us here.”
“I never wanted to be first lady. I didn’t ask for any of it. You know I don’t even like politics.”
“But you’re so good at it. That’s what brought us together, right? Yin and yang? Opposite sides of the aisle? Blue versus red? I always thought it was what made things so hot between us.”
“I just wanted a normal life. I just wanted to be happy. This isn’t—”
“You had that. You had ‘normal’ and it wasn’t enough for you. It was never going to be enough. There’s something else inside you that you weren’t willing to unleash until you met me.”
“I wanted it to be enough.” My voice was raspy. “I did.”
He kissed my temple, his lips pressing hard. “Look, I’ve always promised to keep you safe and I mean it. Nothing means more to me than you. But, you can’t talk to anyone about this. Not the police. Not the press. Not your sister. Do you understand? I can’t protect you if you tell anyone.”
“How could you want me to stay? How can you think I’d want to be married to you now?”
“Because despite everything, you love me. You need me. You can’t make it out there without me. And I don’t want you to. I need you too. It will take a little time. I know that. But you’ll come back to me. You always do.”
I grabbed his hands, wringing them as if it would make everything he said untrue. “Why did you do this?” My eyes stung from the tears. “Why did you have to make everything so dark and twisted? I could have loved you without it. I could have left him. I could have.”
“You wouldn’t. You were too good.” He tucked a curl behind my ear.
I closed my eyes, feeling the heat from the drops streak down my cheeks. “I’m not anymore. You’ve ruined me. Stolen the humanity out of my soul. Made me a whore. A murderess. A liar. I’m damned because of you.”
“Don’t talk like that. Look at what you’ve done for Corinne. You convinced me to go against my instincts and bring her into our family. You’ve helped her and guided her since she lost her mother. You’re loving and kind. You’re going to be an amazing mother to our children. It’s all still in there—the good. I see it’s there. But sometimes I know you like the darkness.”
He held up a finger. “Don’t try to convince me you don’t. You live in it. There are days I find you swimming in it. And I know that about you. I love that about you. It’s ok. I like it too. When you go there to the dark, it lets me be the light. I can bring you back. And when I’m in the shadows, you lead me out. We need each other. You know we do. We work.”
The wind kicked up around us. “I can’t stay with you, Pax. Let me walk away. Let me leave the darkness behind. I’ll drown in it this time. I know I won’t make it through if I don’t go. The only chance I have of saving the light is to leave. I can take Corinne. I can start over somewhere else like Becky did. Come up with whatever story you want. I’ll go along with it. I’ll help you plan it. You can make me be the bad guy—blame me for ruining the marriage. Tell them I abandoned you. Just let me walk out of here before all I am is a ghost.”
“You know I can’t do that.” He ran his thumb across my lips. “We’re in this together. Forever. Our love story isn’t over yet.”
I crumbled in his lap. His arms wrapping around me until he had pulled me against his chest. I cried. I fought. I hit him. I sobbed heavy gut-wrenching tears, striking at him with my fists. Until finally, the calm washed over me. The emptiness infected me. It’s cool poison seeping through my veins, pumping through my heart.
The weariness gripped my bones. It had settled in my core. Pax stood from the bench, lifting me to my feet. He threaded his fingers through mine.
“Let’s go inside.” He led me through the garden, away from the bench.
The mansion was dark. The house staff had retired for the night. Corinne slept in her room.
We climbed the stairs in silence. Each step felt like a mountain I was scaling, my legs weighted with gravity. I followed him to our room. I waited by the bed while he undressed me. He unbuttoned my coat and hung it in the closet, then returned to unfasten my buttons. I held my arms to the side while he pulled the sleeves over my skin. I stood naked in front of him, exposed to the darkness yearning in him. His eyes raked over me before he shoved the covers back and laid me on the pillow. He tucked warm sheets over my shoulders.
He kissed me behind the ear. “I’ve got that alliance paperwork to look over. Sleep well. Call if you need me.” He paused in the doorway. “God, I love you.”
I stared at him, studying his eyes. The way he adored me. The way he wanted me. My hand rested on the swell of my belly. My skin should have felt cold, but it didn’t. It was blazing.
“Pax?” I called.
“Yeah?” He stepped toward the foot of the bed, carnal desire flaring in his eyes. “Tell me, Audrey.”
“I need you.” I gathered the sheets in my hand, folded them over my body, and waited for my husband.
I looked out of the oval window, the plane picking up speed as we took off. The tarmac black underneath, illuminated by a row of blinking lights. Corinne, already asleep on my shoulder, sighed and I tucked the blanket that had fallen back to her chin.
It could have happened that way. It would have if I had stayed and waited for Pax in the garden. I closed my eyes. He would have said all of that and more, seducing me with excuses and pleas of love. Because he loved me. He believed more than anything that he really loved me.
He would have taken me to our room, knowing we fought through everything in bed, knowing I would need him. I would want my husband to be my husband again. He knew that about me.
My body stiffened. Yes, it probably would have happened like that if I had stayed.
But it didn’t.
When he called and said the conference had been extended another night, I knew it was my only chance. My one nig
ht to escape. Take Corinne and run. Save my baby. Save myself.
Escape the darkness. Escape the lie that my life was built upon.
Heavy tears slid down my cheeks. The lies. Years of lies.
See, all those days I spent with Becky, I asked her questions about France. Where she lived, how she created a new life for herself.
She would teach me little bits of French, dotting our conversations with her favorite phrases. I would repeat them, until I could match the accent on the language app on my phone. The walks on the beach gave me time to practice. I thought it was a way to cheer her up when I could talk to her in her favorite language.
I didn’t realize I had made a choice until I heard Corinne recite the baby names for her brother or sister. It was there. My escape plan.
I didn’t know who had given Avery the flash drive. I didn’t care. Those pictures were meant to destroy my marriage, destroy my husband, but what they did was free me. The sick bastard who had kept that information from me could go to hell. I had a copy of the drive in my pocket and the original in my carry on, tucked in a pair of socks. It was possibly the only protection I had.
I didn’t have to pretend anymore. I didn’t have to live with the doubt and the questions. I admitted what I had always suspected, but swore I didn’t want to know. Pax would do anything for me.
It wasn’t that I knew from the beginning he killed Spence, because it wasn’t clear until I saw the pictures, but the shadow followed him. The way he blurred lines. The way he paid people. The way his father handled dirty messes. It was there, and I was so far under, I couldn’t see it. That was, until the flash drive.
I thought about the lies he fed me. I was desperate when Spence died. I wanted to be saved and put back together. I let the grief give me an excuse to be weak. Pax needed me weak. When he said he didn’t kill Spence, I wanted it to be true. So much so that I drowned out any other option. If I shared my body with him, married him, fell in love with him, supported him all the way to the governor’s mansion, then he had to be a good man. A perfect man.
I did exist in a haze after Spence was gone. I lived in Pax’s arms. Let his mouth breathe life into me. Let the nights in his bed convince me there wasn’t anything I could have done.
Because that was the truth, wasn’t it? Paxton Tanner had barreled into my life like a bullet splitting my world into two parts. All the while, I knew which life I wanted, but was too weak to admit it. Too scared to give in fully. I let him choose for me.
Corinne’s innocence fired something in me. It stirred in instinct that had been buried—the need to protect. I wasn’t alone anymore. I had to find a way out for all three of us.
The plane soared over the ocean. I leaned back in my seat, careful not to wake Corinne.
Maybe one day I would wake up and not be afraid. I would look out of my window, and not be stricken with fear that he would find me. It wouldn’t be tomorrow, and it wouldn’t be next week. But it would happen.
Fear was better than acceptance. I couldn’t stay. He would turn me into a woman I couldn’t live with. My stomach recoiled, terrified with the possibility it had already happened.
Running was the only chance to live a normal life. I could raise Corinne the way Becky always wanted. I would find a way to fight the darkness. I would teach my child the beautiful side of life once I found it again.
“Ma’am, can I get you anything?” the flight attendant asked. Her cart was stocked.
“No. We’re ok for now.”
She lifted the kickstand and moved to the next row.
Pax had people. He had money. I had less than eight hours to devise a plan on how I would disappear in Europe. He would know I used my credit card to buy the tickets. He would know the passports were gone. If I were lucky, I had maybe a day, possibly less, before he found me.
I had made two stops on the way to the airport. I cleaned out as much advanced cash as my credit cards would allow. I had packed all the jewelry Pax had given me. My purse was loaded with diamond bracelets and pendants. I had never sold a single shiny trinket in my life, but it was the only thing I could think of that would give us some cash quickly without a digital footprint.
That was what I would have to worry about the most. Electronic transactions and ways he could track my movements. I bought a prepaid phone with cash at the airport. I had left Avery a message to pick up Pepper for me.
The less she knew, the better. But, I couldn’t leave Pepper behind without thinking someone would take care of him. It was the last thing I could do for Spencer.
I had to think like Pax. Think of how he would look for me. I tried to remember our conversations about traveling. I thought through groggy memories of what I told him. My dream list of places to visit.
I bit my lower lip. This was survival.
His finger traced the tender skin on my hipbone. “I am going to take you on a honeymoon, Mrs. Tanner.”
“It’s ok. You have the campaign right now. We can honeymoon later.” I stretched my neck upward, and he held it firmly while he kissed my throat.
“I couldn’t wait for my parents to get out of here. They have to be the rudest wedding guests. It was as if they didn’t know I couldn’t wait to rip this dress off you.”
My dress was heaped in layers on the floor. “You liked it?”
“You were…are the most beautiful bride.” He kissed lower, my skin burned for him. “But, please tell me where I can take you when we get a week to ourselves. There has to be somewhere you want to go. Somewhere we can vacation. Wake up every day like this.” He moved on top of me. I arched my back, anxious to draw him in. “Drink wine at night. Do all that touristy stuff during the day.”
“Hmm…” I pretended to think. “What about somewhere tropical?”
“No, tropical doesn’t suit you.”
“Well, what about that New Zealand trip? I know it’s far, but I’ve always wanted to go. I just couldn’t afford it.”
He kissed my mouth, biting on the lower lip. “New Zealand it is. If that’s what you want, but I think I’ll need to clear my schedule for two weeks.”
“It sounds like a wonderful honeymoon to me.”
“And I’ll charter a jet. We’ll have all that time in the air before we get there.” He kissed behind my ear.
“Mmmhmm.”
“You’re sure about Europe? No B&Bs in the French countryside or what about a Tuscan village?”
I stared at him, his wide shoulders hovered over me. My gorgeous, exquisite husband. “No, I’m positive. Europe is way too ordinary for us.”
He laughed. “I guess that’s true. I love you, Audrey Tanner.”
“I love you, Paxton Tanner.”
I gritted my teeth, not sure what hurt the most, the memories or the loss of what I thought I had. The flight attendant reappeared with a hot towel.
I wiped my hands and face and handed it back to her.
“Thank you.”
“Wow, that’s a gorgeous ring you have.” Her round eyes widened like saucers.
I covered it with my right hand. It was a monstrous rock. “Umm…thanks.”
“Your husband has excellent taste.”
“He does,” I said nervously.
He had chosen me. Handpicked me to be his partner. All the times he complimented my style or the way I spoke to the voters, he was gauging me, testing me for the next level. I was the perfect candidate’s wife. An educated woman, attractive but not a super model. A woman who was a teacher and loved children, but didn’t have any of her own. A woman with opinions, but too meek to share them. Yes, I was exactly what he needed through every step of his journey. I was worth killing for.
I twisted the ring on my finger. I would add it to the pile in my purse.
Europe would be a start. He would think I was heading to New Zealand at some point. Corinne and I would stay in Munich for a day, and then take a train to Switzerland. I could probably travel for a month on the cash I had, but I needed to put down roots. Not only did
I have Corinne to worry about, but also I would need prenatal care. We couldn’t travel from town to town for long.
“Ma’am, here are your customs forms.” The flight attendant returned and handed me a pink index card and a pencil.
“Thank you.” I stared at the sheet. It was one more clue in the paper trail I was leaving.
“Let me know if you have any questions.” She turned to the next passenger.
From now on, every encounter would be like this. I would debate what name I could use. How much information to leave. The breadcrumbs would lead him to me. They would always lead him to me.
I felt the plane begin to descend. Corinne opened her eyes. “Are we there, yet?”
“We are, sweetheart. We’ll be in Munich in a few minutes.”
She stretched her arms overhead. “I can’t believe we’re taking a trip without Dad.”
My stomach rolled. “It’s just a girls’ getaway. I thought it would be fun if it was only the two of us.”
Later, I would tell her something. Not the truth, but something.
She shrugged. “It would be cool to see some of my friends. Can we please go to my old town?”
I nodded. “We will. I have to work out the details, but we can do that. France is definitely on the list.”
“Awesome.” She rubbed her eyes.
I collected my purse from under the seat and opened the latch. The velvet boxes were resting inside, along with my cash. My skin prickled.
We were in another country. I had made this choice. My palm smoothed the front of my shirt, and I lingered for a moment over my stomach. I would protect my child, I promised myself.
The door opened to the jet way. “Audrey, come on.” Corinne stood in the aisle, her purple backpack in her hand.
I smiled and slipped the bag over my shoulder. “I’m right behind you.”
T.A. Foster is a Southern girl whose heart and spirit are connected to the beach. She grew up catching rays and chasing waves along the North Carolina Outer Banks and now resides in the state with her adventurous pilot husband, three children, and canine kiddo.