Silently, they lay back on their blankets, eyes closed, and hands by their sides. Megan stole a glance at Olivia, who followed her every movement and moved carefully, desperately wanting to do exactly the right things at exactly the right times.
Megan waited in silence for a full two minutes before she began again.
Olivia was so excited that she could hardly lie still. She knew she must remain silent and not giggle. Her body tingled, waiting to see what they would do next.
“Oh Holy one, we need to relax, bring ourselves onto your plane. Relax our hair follicles, relax our foreheads.” Megan paused, and another minute passed. “Relax our cheeks, our noses, and mouths.” Right about now, she thought, I usually hear sighs from them as they relax their faces and release their stress.
Peter sighed. Megan smiled.
“Release the darkness and let us be open to the light. Relax our chins, our necks, and our shoulders. Let them drop without weight. Relax our biceps, forearms, and hands. Let every finger lose its strength, relaxing into our blankets.” Again she paused. “Relax our chests,” this always brought a slight giggle from Holly, but tonight she remained silent.
“Relax our sternum and stomachs. Release the bad energy and let in the light. Relax our thighs.” Again there was silence, the giggles sorely missed.
“Relax our knees. Let our calves bare no weight. Relax our feet, toes, and heels.” Megan could feel the negative energy exiting her body through her toes, like darts being shot out of a bamboo gun.
“Our breath relaxes as we are open to the positive energy that You and your light bring us.” Megan paused for three full minutes. She listened to the crackle of the fire and felt the heat of the flames warm her body. It was as if she had risen from the cold ground and was floating on warm air. It was an effort for her to remain awake enough to speak, but she knew she must.
The ritual was vital to her group. It was theirs and theirs alone. It was their way of blessing each other, blessing themselves, and coming together as one. After twenty-one years, they had grown to crave the ceremony. They longed for it as the day neared and missed it when it ended.
“Take the evil from our beings. Let it seep out from our pores and find its way into the fire where it will burn and live no more.” Megan swore she could hear the fire simmer a substance, like food in a shallow pan. “Remove the broken heart, sorrow, and disease, and release it into the air. Allow it to disintegrate and hurt no more. Empty our beings so they may be open to the light. Replenish our souls with love, happiness, health, and passion. Let us feel. Let us remember what good life brings and forget the pain of the past.”
Olivia reached over until she felt her mother’s hand, and rested her right hand in her mother’s cool palm. Megan felt a chill run through her and a tear slip down her cheek. She squeezed Olivia’s hand, and held it as she had when Olivia was a small child and needed to feel safe.
“Bless our families, oh Holy one, and let them remain open to the light through our path,” Megan continued. “We thank you for the journey, our Lord, and look forward to another hour, another day, and whatever it may bring.”
Megan listened to each person’s separate breath as they melted into one peaceful sound. She listened to the sound of leaves being stepped on ever so lightly, as if by a squirrel or a bird. It was a gentle sound, one that soothed her. It represented a knowing of life, a creature stirring. Her friends and daughter were still, entranced by their prayers, thinking their own thoughts, or perhaps not thinking at all. She listened to the wind as it brushed gently across the leaves. The sound reminded her of the walks she used to take with her own mother around the national Seashore— running down the dirt paths, her arms brushing up against the leaves as she passed by carelessly. Happier times, before her life’s path had changed forever, before she really knew about inescapable hurt and pain, when her world was one of childhood bliss.
It took all of Megan’s strength to will her words from her mouth. “We lift our flowers to our hearts.” They all reached to their right, without opening their eyes, and gathered their flowers to their chests. Megan reached over and put Olivia’s flowers in her hand, and without a word, gently placed it on her chest.
“With these flowers, oh Holy one, we say thank you for hearing our prayers.” They sat up slowly, their bodies heavy with peacefulness, their eyes remained closed. Holly reached out and lifted Olivia to a sitting position.
Olivia snuck a peak, and smiled at the sight of each of her mother’s closest friends looking so happy. She couldn’t believe she was part of their ritual! She had waited her whole life, it seemed, to be included. For so many years she sat at her bedroom window, watching their actions, longing to be part of the group, and angry that she was never allowed. She had always wondered what was said around the fire, wondered if there were more to the ritual than what she saw. She had craved to be included in their secrets.
She looked at Megan. Her own mother, she realized, looked like someone she had never met. She seemed to be elsewhere, though her body was there, with Olivia. She is beautiful, Olivia thought. Even though she’s sick, she’s still pretty. Olivia closed her eyes, and took a deep breath, feeling sated in the night air.
They reach out with their left hands, and placed them on the shoulder of the person next to them. Holly guided Olivia to the position.
Megan began again, “With these flowers, My Lord, I ask that You give my friends peace, my family health, and the world enlightenment. For myself, my Lord, I ask for the knowledge of how to accept the light into my soul. Please Lord, let me find my way down this new path with dignity and without fear. If You could throw in a few ounces of health, that’s always appreciated.” Feeling guilty, she added, “But please don’t give me health in place of one of my other wishes, they are far more important. And Lord, I beg You to watch over my Olivia, give her peace in her life and the strength to deal with whatever comes her way. Relieve her of stress and pain, and give her happiness and creativity in its place.” She placed her flowers into the fire, and laid her right hand over her heart.
In unison they said, “Amen.”
Megan could not see the tears which streamed down Olivia’s cheeks, nor could she feel the squeezing of Peter’s shoulder by Holly, as her friends silently, but together, said their own prayers for Megan’s health.
True to form, Peter’s voice was loving and warm. Megan imagined that it was the voice he used when he spoke to Cruz late at night. “Oh Lord, my father needs your strength to deal with life’s troubles. Please Lord, he is my rock, and I need him to have some happiness in his life. Please be kind to people and not make so many hardships on them.” Peter cleared his throat. “I ask that You take care of Olivia, giving her strength and calm during this troublesome time. And please, oh Holy one, please let Megan be enveloped in the light. She has enlightened us, now please enlighten her soul.”
Tears formed in Megan’s eyes, as she realized how her friends filled every emotional gap in her soul.
Peter gently placed his flowers in the flame, and Megan was sure the night air had transformed into a warm lavender scent that permeated her skin. She felt the warmth spread through her body, and she could taste the scent, as if it were fine candy lingering on her tongue. This is my heaven, she thought. This is my safe circle, my family who loves me for me and believes in me. At this very moment, I am truly happy.
They said, “Amen.”
Peter’s right hand covered his heart and he squeezed Megan’s shoulder lightly to let her know he was there.
Holly’s voice was warm and gentle. “Oh Holy one, I’m not real happy this year, as You know. I’m pretty upset over what You have done to Meggie and Olivia.” She sat quietly for a moment, letting her words find their way to the heavens above. “I ask, Lord, that You let Peter find happiness and allow Cruz to be his other half.”
Peter sighed. Holly continued, “Thank You, Lord, for giving me Jack. He is my soul mate.” A breathy sound carried through the air, as if each perso
n lifted a little smile. “And Lord, listen carefully now because this is the most important one of all, so sit your ass down and listen to me. This is really and truly important.” Holly sighed, readying herself to hold back her tears and speak her mind.
“Lord, my friend Megan here, well, Meggie, she needs us. She needs our love, our advice, our harassment. Please keep her by our sides comfortably. There’s no one else that can bring us to You as she does. These rituals are hers, my Lord. Please give her peace and surround her with light. Envelope her as we have enveloped each other. She’s a special person. Please, Lord, make sure she has a special place.” Holly took a deep breath. “Thank You, Lord, for bringing Olivia to us tonight. She’s a welcome addition to our group. Please continue to watch over her and give her strength and guidance to carry on.” Holly snuck a peak at Olivia just as Olivia snuck one toward her. She winked, conspiratorially.
Olivia tucked away the feeling of Holly’s love along with her other stashed compliments, holding onto them as if they were treasures needed for some future journey.
“Please keep Jack happy and healthy, and keep our little nest together—always.” Holly kissed her flowers and threw them into the fire.
The group said, “Amen” as Holly placed her right hand over her heart.
Olivia trembled with anticipation, uncertain about her words, which tumbled from her mouth like pebbles from a high peak, rough and unsure, “Dear Lord, thank you for making me part of my mom’s group. I’ve wanted this for so long.” She took a deep breath, thinking of just the right words, wanting to sound more mature than her fourteen years might allow. “I really want my mom to get better. That’s about all that I want right now.” She tossed her flowers into the fire and her mother reached out and guided Olivia’s right hand to cover her heart, leaving her own hand resting on Olivia’s for just a moment longer. She felt her daughter’s heart race, and willed her own strength, what little she had left, to become her daughter’s.
Sparks flew from the bonfire, and the smell of flowers and ash wafted around them.
Together they said, “Amen!”
“With these flowers and prayers, oh Holy one,” Megan began, “we become one once again. We wed for eternity, our souls, our selves, and our passions.” This time they all shouted out, in almost a song, “Amen!”
Within seconds they were standing up, arms stretched toward the sky. Holly turned off the CD and the gay sounds of top forty music filled the air. They danced around the fire, held each other, jumped, sang, and rejoiced in the success of yet another ritual.
Megan’s movements were slow, her breath encumbered, though her spirits soared. She felt herself deflate and prayed her strength would last just a little longer to get her through the celebration.
Her friends’ hearts were lifted, and their faces reflected the happiness within their souls. They reached for one another, dancing in groups of two, alone, and falling into, finally, a dance of all four of them, arms flailing about, hips wriggling, and laughter filling the air.
Olivia sought out her mother, hugged her, and apologized for being selfish. Megan told her to think nothing of it and said she was glad she was there after all. She welcomed her to their group and wished her well in each of the future rituals to come. They looked into each other’s eyes, forehead leaned upon forehead, and shared a smile reflecting years of love, treasured memories, and happiness. At that very moment, all of the ugliness and fights had disappeared, as if they had never existed at all.
As the excitement settled into an even pace of joy, Megan reached for her hippie bag and took out her gifts, four Runic Love Amulets. She wanted her friends and Olivia to find happiness and passion in their lives. She wanted them to be joyful and stress free. She hoped they would remember her as being those things as well. She slowly made her way around the fire to each one of them, placed the gift around their necks, and kissed them solidly on the cheek.
Peter held Megan’s hands and slowly twirled her around. Holly did a gentle bump with Megan (a remnant of their childhood, dancing-in-the-basement days). The bump turned into a slow dance, even though the music was fast, as both women needed the closeness. Holly gets me, Megan thought.
Megan broke away slowly and walked toward Olivia, arms open. Olivia rushed into them. They immediately fell into their own dance of hugs and rocking, which evolved into the Batman, and they ended up both doing the Monkey, although Megan’s Monkey was a bit hindered by the pain in her joints. Megan slipped the necklace around Olivia’s neck and said, “You are my treasure, Olivia Leigh. I love you.”
Olivia cried.
The four of them converged on one another, laughing hysterically, and moving in a mass of arms and legs. Hips swayed, breasts jiggled, and laughs took flight in the night air. Megan made her way to the back of the group, perched herself on her blanket, and watched her friends with delight.
They danced until they all fell to the ground, spent with exhaustion, and delirious with celebration. They chatted around the fire, warming their bodies and settling their minds. Not once did they let their minds drift back to Megan’s illness. This was a time for replenishment, a time for relaxation.
They clung together on their blankets, overlapped like a litter of puppies, legs on legs, heads on shoulders, hands on backs. The night swathed them in darkness, save for the fire. Their voices trailed toward the sky. Every now and again a hushed voice could be heard saying a kind word, or a movement could be felt, a hug of tenderness, one body moving closer to another.
Olivia curled herself into a little girl again, and snuggled so close to Megan that their breaths fell into a symbiotic rhythm—Olivia’s exhale became Megan’s strength, and each of Megan’s breaths comforted Olivia.
Holly and Megan faced each other and whispered as their energy dwindled. They lay so close that each time Megan breathed out, it became Holly’s intake of breath.
Peter reached out to Megan and touched her. He held onto her, their hands familiar and comforting. Olivia’s toes rested on Peter’s leg, and she took great comfort in knowing he was there.
Sometime during the evening, Megan snuck her Winniethe-Pooh bear out of her bag, and nestled it securely under her left arm. She was glad she had made the decision not to take the pills. She needed one more day to share her secret with Jack, one more day to see her daughter smile, and one more day to simply be. It was like this, as one, that they eased into sleep as the night air carried away their hopes and dreams, their cares and hearts, into the vast evening sky.
Chapter Five
The early morning sun illuminated the remnants of the campfire, and Megan watched her friends sleeping peacefully—knowing that shortly their lives would be forever changed. Olivia looked so peaceful that Megan wished she’d never have to wake, that she could stay in that peaceful state forever—leaving the truth of her new life unrealized. Megan’s body was there, against Olivia’s, but her essence, her energy, was gone—stolen from her body and taken with her soul for eternity.
Though Megan’s heart ached for the pain her death would cause her daughter and most treasured friends, and she longed to have been the one to tell Jack that Olivia was his daughter, she felt horribly conflicted because she was also strangely enveloped by a sense peace and wellness. She had passed through her life with gracious friends and an amazing daughter, taking with her a small part of each of their beings, and stashing it away in her very own soul. She wept, not for her own death, but for the life she had shared with each of them and for the cumbersome job they would now have of putting her body to rest. Megan passed through on May 1st, the same day she had come into the world. She hoped that her friends would continue to celebrate that day for themselves in years to come, as they had for her.
Megan looked down and was not surprised to find that she was no longer whole. She had no body, though she had a form, a weightless cloudy shape that looked as if she were draped in a cloud. She felt healthy, whole, as if she were carrying the ten pounds she had always wished away, and that,
surprisingly, made her smile.
Holly awoke feeling revitalized as she always had after their rituals. She breathed in the crisp air and let it out slowly. She moved carefully, trying not to wake Peter and Olivia. Olivia—she was so pleased that Megan had allowed Olivia to share in their ritual. It was time. Olivia was a young woman and certainly deserved to take part in their group. She was proud of Megan for changing her mind. Holly, of all people, knew how hard it was for Megan to make the transition from having her time with her friends, to including her daughter. Her daughter, the thought lingered in Holly’s mind, and she looked down at Megan, whose eyes were staring not at her, but through her.
Holly squinted, darting her eyes to see what Megan was looking at. She reached for Megan, “Meg?” Her body was cold—not just cold from the morning air, but ice cold. A chill ran through Holly’s chest.
“Meg? Meg?” Panicked, she leaned toward Megan’s body and touched her cheek. “Oh god. Oh god. Oh god.” Tears streamed down her cheeks. She shook Megan, “Megan? oh god! Megan!” Her voice rose.
Olivia stirred, her body still curled up like a baby cat snuggled against its mother. Holly reached out and gently placed her trembling hand on Olivia’s arm, causing Olivia to turn toward her rather than her mother.
Olivia looked at Holly, saw the message in her eyes— and knew. She opened her mouth to speak, but could not. Her body began to shake uncontrollably; her hands flew up to the sides of her head. She spun around and looked at her mother. Her face contorted, and she covered her ears as if she could keep out the awful news of her mother’s death. She shook her head vehemently. “No! no!” she cried. “It’s not true!” She put her arms around mother’s stiff body, feeling her cold flesh against her own warm hands. She lay flat against her mother’s side, rocked, “No, Mom! no, no, no! I’m not ready!”
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