by Aiden Bates
"Why do I think there's a big 'but' there?" Carter leaned back and looked at Allen like he could see into Allen's soul.
Allen tossed a pen up into the air and caught it. "Yeah. I can't really complain. He's a great roommate. It's just…"
Carter grabbed the pen out of his hand. "Spit it out already, man. You're starting to make me feel like a dentist."
Allen had to chuckle at that. "Sorry. He's great. He'll make someone a fantastic boyfriend for real someday, if he can just find someone he can tolerate being around." He licked his lips and looked away, cheeks burning with shame.
"Excuse me?" Carter leaned forward.
"I get that he's coming from someplace where being out wasn't an option. I do. But he knows what's at stake here. If he was able to stand being around me, he'd be able to loosen up and accept it when I grab his hand or something, out in public. Instead he just stands there like a dead fish. It's humiliating is what it is."
Carter winced. "Yikes. Have you talked to him about it?"
Allen waved a hand. "He apologizes, but it doesn't change. It's literally to save his life, but he can't tighten up his stomach enough to deal just for a minute or two. It's kind of infuriating. At the same time, I guess it's kinder. I don't know."
Carter stilled. "Kinder?"
Allen stood up and went to look out of his window. "You know what I mean. It would be so easy to read more into this than there is. In private, he's sweeter than honey. It's easy to relax around him, and he can read me like we've known each other for decades. But I'm still made of arsenic or something, you know?"
Carter frowned and blinked. "I'm a little confused. Are you attracted to him or not?"
Allen threw his hands up into the air. "Come on, Carter. Rocks are attracted to him."
Carter laughed out loud. "Yeah, okay. You're probably not wrong there. Seriously, though. Do you think you'd want this charade to be real?"
Allen grabbed another pen from his desk and tapped it against his jaw. "I don't know. Maybe. He's kind of the perfect boyfriend, so maybe. I like my life though, my regular life. I like playing with my niece and nephew. I like hanging out with my family. I like my job. I'm looking forward to bringing Alaina home, and even that's kind of a big change. Adding a new partner to it is kind of… I mean, it's a big change. A big switch, right?"
Carter wiped a hand across his mouth and stared at him for a second. "Are you serious right now, or are you messing with me? You'd turn down a guy you yourself describe as 'super hot' just because taking on a new partner would be too much change for you?"
Allen made a face. "When you put it like that you just make it sound pathetic."
"If the shoe fits."
Allen stood up. "Carter, I was born right here in Silver Oak. My mom's a nurse here. My sister works here. My brother-in-law works here. I went to college right here in Syracuse. The only time I've been farther away from Syracuse than Rochester was for school trips, okay? And I even got too nervous on those to really sleep right. Yes, I'd resist a super hot partner because it's too much change.
"But you know what, Carter? It's not going to be an issue. There's something you're missing with all of these questions about how I'm feeling about Brantley. You've completely failed to take into account how Brantley feels about me. And I can answer that for you in a heartbeat. He doesn't. He moved in with me because it looked like a bigger gesture, emphasis on the visual." Allen faced the window.
Carter shifted his weight so he was aimed at the window, too. He didn't get up. "Don't you think it's better to figure out how you feel before you make a plan for him?"
Allen's jaw dropped. "Did you hear what I just said? There's not going to be any kind of 'plan' for him. I don't want to change my life. Once ICE is off our backs, we're going to go our separate ways and I'm going to settle right back into the same comfortable groove I've been in for years."
Carter snorted. "No you're not."
"You maybe want to clarify that?" If anyone else had said that, Allen would have gotten angry. He might have gone so far as to deck them. This was Carter, so he just raised an eyebrow.
"If you were really comfortable in that groove, you would never have volunteered for the job in the first place." Carter grinned at him. "Am I right?"
Allen sucked in his cheeks for a moment. "Okay. Maybe I was frustrated. It had been a bad day, okay? I'd just lost a patient, and in a very emotional way. I think I'm entitled to be a little frustrated by the whole thing."
Carter grinned at him. "Of course you are. I'm just saying, I think you're ready for the change, if you want it. And part of you does, if you're so frustrated by his apparent lack of interest."
Allen shook his head. "Maybe part of me. There's always going to be part of me that wants to be in a relationship. Everyone wants that, right? Well, most people do. We want that connection. We want that sense of belonging. But that part of me isn't all of me, or even most of me." He looked toward the door. "I'm better off the way I am."
"Do you think I believe that?" Carter stood up this time, and came to stand beside Allen. "I don't. I think you're afraid to go for it. I think you're afraid of rejection. And I think you're afraid that what happened to you last time is going to happen again."
Allen closed his eyes. "Yeah, well, we have a word for people who don't learn from history, Carter." He opened his eyes again to glare at his friend. "I'm not exactly a fan of the whole Groundhog Day thing. It wasn't even that great a movie when it first came out."
Carter put a hand on Allen's shoulder. "Okay. I see what you're saying. Just… try to be open, okay? Not everything has to end in betrayal and disaster."
Allen forced a little smile, but he couldn't hear Carter on this issue. It was all well and good for Carter to say it didn't all have to end in betrayal and disaster, because he was a hero who had dragged his Prince Charming kicking and screaming into humanity. Allen was just Allen, and his Prince Charming already deserved the title.
***
Brantley could tell something was wrong when Allen got home on Thursday evening, but Allen didn't want to talk about it. He just gave thin shadows of his usual smile, insisted on walking the dog alone, and headed off to bed immediately after dinner. Brantley knew the symptoms and indicators of depression. It was a fairly common opportunistic illness that cropped up among cancer patients.
Allen was perfectly healthy. What could possibly be setting him off?
When he had a few quiet moments the next day, he surfed through the community calendar on the local paper's website. He still didn't know what had set Allen off, and he didn't think they were close enough for him to ask prying questions. He did know that he'd been remiss, as a partner, in many ways.
Okay, they weren't really dating. Acknowledging that fact gave him a weird little pang, but he couldn't pretend it wasn't true. They weren't really dating, but they were partners in this attempt to keep Brantley in the country and so far, Allen had done all of the work. Brantley needed to step up his game, both to give their relationship verisimilitude and to take some of the burden off of Allen.
Besides, he wanted to see Allen smile.
He found what he was looking for a few items down. Maybe Allen wouldn't like it. Maybe Allen didn't like animals that weren't Sadie. Maybe Allen was too tired after a long day at work to wander around. Still, Brantley copied a link to the event and sent it to Allen.
Allen replied an hour later. He must have been with a patient, or maybe delivering a baby. Brew At The Zoo, huh? Sounds fun. Cab home?
Definitely. Brantley smiled broadly as he sent the text. He could feel proud of himself as he sent the message. He had done something, made some effort. And it had worked! He'd come up with an idea, all by himself, and Allen had said yes.
Maybe he should stop congratulating himself until they'd successfully gotten through the event without any incidents. Brantley shook his head at himself and reveled in the feeling of his dreads sweeping across his shoulders. He wouldn't get worked up about this, but
he would enjoy it when it happened.
They rode home together, as they'd done for the past couple of weeks. Allen still seemed a little withdrawn, but he showed plenty of interest in the zoo outing. "What gave you the idea?"
"I was just looking for something to do this weekend. You know, together." Brantley smiled at him. "I found this in the paper and thought it would be fun."
"It should be. I did this once a few years ago, with Janine and Jim." Allen shot him a tired looking smile. "Thanks for thinking of it."
Brantley hesitated. Should he say anything, or should he let it lie? He figured being open was better than not. "I know you're usually the one to think of things. You do basically all of the work, when it comes to this." He waved his right hand between them. "I wanted to share that." And then he grinned. "And then once I found it, of course, I thought it just looked like fun."
Allen's smile got a little bit more genuine. "Well, I'm not going to argue." He looked out the windshield. "I don't mind doing the work, but it does mean we wind up stuck in a rut more often than not. This will be fun."
They headed home, gave Sadie her dinner and a walk, and changed. Then they headed out again.
The zoo was close to Brantley's townhouse, so they drove past it just to check on it. There didn't seem to be anything amiss, so after a cursory inspection, they kept going and made their way to the zoo.
Brew At The Zoo turned out to be more than Brantley could have possibly expected. The event was huge, and it was crowded. The crowd was a little more diverse than Brantley would have expected for a craft beer event, but maybe Brantley shouldn't be so narrow in his expectations. They had live music, which he thought must be kind of problematic for some of the animals. Given the amount of money the event brought in for the zoo every year, though, he figured they'd probably adapt for one night a year.
He and Allen stood in line for samples from a cleverly named brewery, and then stood in line for samples of a local delicacy called spiedies. Brantley had been living in the area for years and he'd never heard of them, but Allen waved a hand. "Of course you haven't. You've never gone to any of the places that would have them. Maybe at the end of the month we'll go to the State Fair. They've got a Pride Day. That should be fun." He leaned on Brantley's shoulder and spoke directly into his ear, in a voice that went straight to his groin. "Don't look now, but we've got a tail."
Brantley couldn't think about ICE right now. He couldn't think about Gupta, the immigration lawyer, or about Silver Oak. He couldn't even think about the flamingos in front of them, majestic in appearance and foul in odor as they were. All he could think about was Allen's hot body, molded up against his own, and the warm breeze of his breath tickling the shell of his ear. "Oh?"
"Just relax." Allen stroked Brantley's face and smiled. "Should we show them a good time?"
Right now, the only person Brantley wanted to show a good time to was Allen. He could take him over behind the elephant house, that would be a fantastic option. "Sure."
Allen took Brantley's hand and led him on a merry path through the zoo. They visited every part of the park that wasn't closed off. They stood in every line, whether or not it was for something they actually wanted. Brantley had to admit he looked a little askance at some of the Concord grape wines available, but Allen just winked at him and "stumbled" through the crowd.
At no point did Allen, or Brantley, acknowledge that they were being followed by ICE. Brantley could see Gottlieb, of course. He could both see and hear Parris, because her raucous laugh was everywhere. Allen made sure ICE never lost track of them, though. Every time they got to the front of a line and took a sample, Allen made sure he stepped on an ICE agent's foot by "accident." He spilled his concord grape wine sample down the front of Gottlieb's white polo shirt, while his head was turned so he could pretend he didn't see Gottlieb was there.
He stumbled into Parris, knocking her into a crowd of bikers. He grabbed Brantley's hand and disappeared with him before they realized what had happened, though, so Parris took the full brunt of their ire.
He led them on a merry and ostensibly drunken chase around the penguin house, still holding on to Brantley's hand and laughing with glee. Brantley knew he shouldn't be enjoying this. It probably wasn't exactly helping their cause with ICE, but then again, maybe it was. Hopefully, this kind of gleeful frolic was convincing Gottlieb he was truly in love with Allen.
It was hard not to be, if Brantley was being honest with himself.
They stayed until the loudspeakers crackled into life, thanking everyone for another successful Brew At The Zoo. Then they headed out to the parking lot, waited for a cab, and headed home.
Allen was glued to Brantley's side, even in the cab, and Brantley didn't mind one bit. They weren't drunk, or even really tipsy. Allen had been careful to moderate his intake so he only looked drunk, but Brantley didn't think he'd wanted to drink more than necessary while ICE was following them around. Brantley certainly hadn't wanted to do more than sample local brew. Still, inhibitions were lowered just enough that Brantley wrapped an arm around Allen's shoulders and Allen relaxed into it.
Brantley wondered if he'd ever been happier, at least in a romantic sense.
They got home and paid for the cab. Sadie was excited to see them, and they could see dim headlights from an ICE SUV a few doors down. Allen offered to walk Sadie alone, but Brantley didn't want to risk the agents making assumptions based on a solo walk. He didn't want to part from Allen's side, either. Even though his calves burned from all the walking he'd done at the zoo, he headed back out hand in hand with Allen.
They walked Sadie for about a mile, and then walked her back. They pretended they didn't hear Parris following them. Brantley recognized her footfalls against the pavement. She didn't matter to Brantley right now anyway. Right now, all he cared about was the fact that Allen was holding his hand.
They got back to the house, where Allen fumbled with the key. Brantley held the leash and breathed in the humid night air. The porch light had attracted bugs by the score, a hazard, he supposed, of living near the canal. An enterprising spider had built a large web between the light and the door. She would soon die of greasy degeneration, if Brantley knew anything about livers. The constant buzz of insects set his jaw on edge.
Allen got the door open.
Brantley reached out and put his sweaty hands on Allen's shoulders. This wasn't like him. He never did things like this, not in public. Not out in the light of the front porch, where everyone could see. It was different now, though. The reasons for his fear were still there, of course, but Allen had been right. He needed to be open and up front. He needed to be truly out, if he wanted to survive and stay in a safer country.
And, of course, everything in him was screaming in time with the buzzing insects. Kiss him. Kiss him now!
He pulled Allen's face down to his and touched his lips to Allen's.
Allen froze at first. He hadn't been expecting it, but Allen was an incredible actor. Brantley was the only one who could pick up on his shock, and that was because his hands were right there on Allen's hips. He could feel the way Allen's muscles tightened right there under his hips.
And then he could feel the way Allen's muscles relaxed. Allen slung his arms over Brantley's shoulders and relaxed into the kiss. He leaned against the wall and surrendered his whole being to Brantley's mouth, even giving up a little moan. His stubble tickled Brantley's chin, and his lips tasted like malt and hops.
Brantley pressed on, crowding into Allen's personal space. He licked his way into Allen's mouth and Allen let him in. Brantley forgot about the light, the bugs, and the door. He forgot about Parris and the neighbors. He even forgot about Sadie. He'd never been a big believer in spiritualism, but right now he would swear he could feel Allen's soul burning right through his body.
After a couple minutes, Sadie whined and pawed at them. Allen pulled back with a little laugh, but his big green eyes never left Brantley's. "It's okay, girl. We'll go inside."
He'd never wanted someone so badly that he couldn't control himself.
He headed into the house, but Allen was nowhere to be found. When Brantley explored the upstairs, he found Allen's bedroom closed, and the shower running.
Okay. So this was something they weren't going to talk about. Brantley would have appreciated a deeper discussion, or maybe more kissing, but he could see where Allen might want to step back and gain some perspective. Maybe Allen wasn't looking to connect on that level. Maybe Allen hadn't been expecting the kiss and needed to process it.