by Nicole Reed
As bad as she looks and sounds, there is a tranquility in her face. I don’t want her to suffer anymore. Wishing her here on this earth, even for another minute, is so selfish that I’m ashamed. Her passing should be heralded for the bravery that it is, instead of mourned for my own egoistical reasons.
Leaning over her, I reach for her hand and grasp it with my own. I place my lips on her warm dry cheek. Pulling back, I whisper, “It’s okay to go. I’m here now. I know we will meet again, Aunt Leigh. I love you. Forever and Always.” My voice falters with the crushing sorrow I feel inside, but I hold it there.
Almost as if she hears me, the rattling stops. She takes one deep, final breath and lets it out. Silence. Quiet. I close my eyes. Peace flows through the room sweetening the air, and I smile as I feel my heart receive a hug. I open my tear-soaked eyes and look over to my parents. They both have bittersweet smiles on their faces. I start to ask if they felt it when, at the same time, they just nod.
My father is the first to move. He walks over to the other side of the bed and leans over to kiss her cheek. He leans up and proceeds to kiss mine. Afterwards, he walks out, and my mother comes over and does the exact same thing. No words necessary.
For the next hour, close friends and family move in and out saying their goodbyes. I don’t move from my position, and everyone offers their condolences. When Madison comes into the room, I genuinely smile at her, and I can see that she isn’t expecting that.
“It was so peaceful. Thank you so much for getting me here. I think she was waiting for me.”
Madison leans down and hugs my neck. “She will always be with you.”
“I know.” And, I do. From this moment forward, she will be in my heart, no doubt her funny words of wisdom whispered into my ear. She will live on within me. Forever.
My Aunt died on a Monday. Specifically, the Monday before Thanksgiving. Her Will states that she is to be cremated and her ashes are to be held in her deceased husband’s family tomb. I am able to keep myself together because there is so much to do. Even though my aunt had already arranged everything, it is crazy how much we have to decide on. Tuesday, I meet with her attorney to sign copious amounts of paper since I am the sole heir to her estate. I’d give everything away just to have her back, and that is the God’s honest truth.
Tomorrow, hundreds of people are planning to attend a memorial that my family is holding to celebrate her life. My mother and father asked yesterday if I would like to speak, and I replied that I wanted to. I lay in bed all night, rehearsing what I am planning to say, but this morning, it just didn’t feel right. After seeing the attorney, I have an idea for something my aunt would have loved. So as I leave his office, I call someone that can possibly help me with it.
“Hey, Kylie. I am so sorry to hear about your loss.” Nick Andrews’s voice answers softy.
“Uh, thanks. If you don’t mind me asking, how did you know?”
“Madison told me this morning.”
“Madison told you?” I can’t keep the surprise out of my voice. Interesting, but not something I can delve into at this moment.
“Yeah, long story that I guess she hasn’t shared with you yet, huh?”
“I’ve vowed to stay out of her love life.”
With a soft chuckle, he replies, “Smart woman. Wish I could follow that advice.” Shaking my head, I refuse to ask him about his words.
“Listen, I know it’s last minute, but do you know anyone that I can get to help me with an acoustic guitar solo tomorrow at her memorial?”
“I owe you, Kylie. I’ve got you on this. What song?”
“Landslide.”
“Done. How about I give them your number.”
“That would be great. Thanks, Nick.”
“For you, anything. Just call.”
That night, I receive a call from a local musician who is going to meet me at the memorial tomorrow. He emails me a file with his acoustic version, and I listen to it. It was her favorite song, and I know she would love what I’m planning.
The next morning dawns with clear blue skies. I’ve lain awake for most of the night, watching the sunrise through my window. I’m ready to celebrate my aunt’s wonderful life today, and afterwards, I’m going to start living mine.
The memorial is standing room only by the time my family arrives. Beautifully smelling flowers endlessly abound in the church, including the spray of her favorite roses that I sent. So many people stand and speak in remembrance of my aunt. Their stories touch my heart, and tears leak from my eyes in sweet memory. When it is my time, I motion for the musician to follow me to the pulpit. My dad had arranged for two high barstools to be placed side by side. Once I reach for the microphone, I sit beside the musician. Looking out and into the crowd of faces, my heart seizes, and for one instant, I don’t think I can do this; however, in the next moment, I remember all that my aunt has done for me, and my strength is renewed. Clearing my throat, I lift the microphone to my mouth.
“Um, I’m not a professional singer by any stretch, but I know my aunt would have loved this. Forever and Always, Aunt Leigh.” Closing my eyes tight, I listen as he begins to play the haunting melody, and I start to sing. At first, the lyrics come naturally. My voice waivers slightly but remains strong. On the last line, a soft sob escapes me, but I brokenly manage to finish. Opening my eyes, I see people crying and others nodding their heads in acknowledgement. My heart feels free, and I close my eyes once more.
After the memorial service, my family stands outside to thank everyone for attending. So many people tell me she would have loved to hear me sing that song. My answer is that she did. All of my employees make sure to come over and offer their condolences, and we exchange hugs. The boutique is closed today and the rest of the week for the holidays. I hug Leo’s neck especially tight, telling him that we will talk next week. With soft goodbyes, they walk away, and I turn to greet the next person in line.
Feeling a prickle at the back of my neck, I look up from shaking a friend of my aunt’s hand. Dray and Trent stand to the side, together, waiting to speak to me. Both are dressed in immaculate black suits.
Taking a deep breath, I walk towards them, and they meet me with soft smiles. My heart does a double summersault within my chest. It would be so much easier if I didn’t care for either one. Grasping my hands behind my back, I return their smiles.
“Thank you, both, for coming,” I say looking between the two. “I have to say that I’m happy to see you here, together.”
Dray looks at Trent, then at me, and says, “I guess you don’t know that Aunt Leigh spoke to both of us?”
I know I can’t hide the surprise on my face. “She did?”
Trent looks down at this feet as he scuffs the bottom of his shoe, then returns his gaze to me. Grinning, he says, “Yeah, I don’t think I’ve ever got a tongue lashing like that before. I thought some of my foster parents were bad.”
Looking around to make sure no one is listening to our conversation, I look back at Trent. “What? What did she say?”
Taking a deep breath, Dray answers, “The damn truth. That we all are responsible for our own actions. I guess that we all have something to be held accountable for, and not one of us holds more blame than the other.”
Trent continues, “Dray and I realize that we both fucked up the entire situation from the beginning, but that, no matter what, we are brothers. We can’t let anything or anyone come between that, Kylie.” He looks at me intently, projecting the meaning of what he is saying very clearly and concisely.
I understand what he is trying to convey. It’s what I’ve come to realize on my own. I’m mystified that my aunt would speak to them, but thankful that I’m standing here as the result of her doing it, even if it is for the last time. The thought of losing Trent as a friend hurts my heart, but the thought of never seeing or touching Dray again, rips it out.
Lowering my voice, I say, “I’m sorry. I never wanted to hurt either one of you.”
They both l
ook away from me. I watch Dray’s face as he tries to control his emotions. Trent turns to stare right back at me.
“Is there anything else you need to tell us?” he asks pointedly.
I want to look them both in the eyes and lie. Tell them that everything is fine and they can walk away without a thought. For two seconds, I entertain the thought. If I am pregnant, I have enough money to go away and start anew. They never have to know. I don’t have to watch Dray move on and be happy with someone else or continue his hedonistic ways. This one little white lie would be so easy to tell but so miserable to live with for the rest of my life.
“Not yet. With her passing and the funeral…” I leave it at that.
They both nod their heads.
I see Trent look at Dray, then back to me before saying, “When you know, call me.” Nodding his head to Dray, he says, “Later,” and turns to leave.
Dray and I watch him walk away until he disappears around the corner. Looking at Dray, I see him returning my gaze. We both try to talk at the same time, then laugh.
“You first,” I tell him.
“I don’t know if this is the time or place, but I don’t know if I should meet you somewhere else to talk.”
“We can go grab some lunch if you want.”
I see the pained look on his face as he rubs the back of his neck. “God, Kylie. Even after everything, I would. In a heartbeat. Except, I made a promise to Trent. This is one story that no one gets the girl, if you get what I’m saying. That’s the deal to keep the peace between us.”
I swallow the bitter words that want to erupt from me. Why? Why would he make a deal like that? It just hurts.
“Can’t we still be friends,” I whisper.
Sadly smiling at me, he softly says, “I could never be just your friend, Kylie. It doesn’t work that way for me. Trent could keep you like that, but I never could. That’s why I was such an asshole. That day in your office, that was because I couldn’t control the thought of you being with anyone else. All these years, I know you’ve dated, but there was never anyone serious because you thought you were waiting for Trent, and it made everything easier for me to deal with when it came to you.”
“I wasn’t waiting on Trent,” I say looking deep into his eyes.
“What?”
“I didn’t know that I’ve been waiting for you.” As soon as I said it, I knew I shouldn’t have. It’s so unfair to him and me. My heart bleeds out from the pain of loving someone who I, evidently, can’t have.
He turns away from me. I can see him grinding his teeth, trying to control his emotions.
“I shouldn’t have said that. I’m sorry. I’m going to leave you both alone,” I whisper, damaged to the core of my being and barely holding myself together.
Turning back to me, he shakes his head before saying, “This can’t happen, Kylie. Not anymore. It’s the deal I made with Trent. I can’t go back on it, as much as I might want to.”
His eyes show such dark torment that I have to look away. We stand close together, but it’s no different than being ten thousand miles apart. Seeing that he is hurting as much as me doesn’t make me feel better; it makes me feel worse. I want to heal him, but I can’t. I want to touch him, but I won’t.
“Kylie,” he says, lifting his beautiful, strong brown hand, to touch me.
Shifting away, I answer, “I know.” I need to get away before the dam breaks and a flood of tears storms over my face. I’m so weepy, in an unnatural way for me. “I completely agree. Trent’s right. I’ll call you when I know something.” Turning, I walk away, leaving him standing there. I don’t hear his deep voice calling to stop me, and it both helps and hurts my heart.
Finding my mom, I excuse myself and start walking to my car. Once I’m away from people, I let the tears go one last time. For real. When I reach my car, Madison is leaning against the door and opens her arms when I get close. I fall into them.
“I watched you talking to them. Everything okay?”
“Yeah, Aunt Leigh spoke to them both, smoothing things over. They both have decided not to let this interfere with their relationship, which I agree with.”
“And?
“And evidently, Trent has warned Dray from me and vice-versa, to keep the peace between them.”
“It’s the best for now. Don’t you agree?”
With a bitter laugh, I reply, “Yeah, my head agrees. It’s just my heart that’s being the little bitch.”
“C’mon. Let’s go get us something entirely fattening to eat and a pregnancy test.”
Nodding my head, I agree and hug her once more. Remembering my conversation with a certain heart-throb from yesterday, I look at her and raise my eyebrows.
“What?”
“Nick Andrews?”
“No way, girlfriend. I like this Kylie that stays out of my business. Okay? I like her. Let’s keep her,” she says walking to the passenger side and getting in.
A new me? Yeah, let’s do keep her. Maybe she’ll have a whole unbroken heart that I can borrow.
The top of my bathroom counter is lined with tiny white sticks. Twenty-one of them to be exact. Some have smiling faces, plus-signs, double lines, or plainly say, “Pregnant.” Well, except for one, it reads negative, and that would be Madison’s. It was just for shits and giggles. Ha, ha… real funny.
We both sit on the edge of my bathtub, staring at the display in front of us.
“What are the motherfuckin’ chances?” Madison lets out on a sigh.
“I need to go by a lottery ticket. I either have a great chance at winning or getting struck by lightning. The odds are obviously in my favor.”
“I need to get drunk.”
“I’m the pregnant one! Why do you need to get drunk?” I ask her.
“Sympathy pains.”
“Okay, first things first…”
“Yeah, you need to call the guys. OHMYGODI’MGOINGTOTHROWUP!” Mads yells before running into the bathroom and gagging.
“What are you doing?” I yell at her.
“I told you… sympathy pains.”
She comes out, wiping her mouth and looking a little green. Maybe she is sick.
“First thing I’m going to do is make an appointment with my gynecologist. I’ve read that so many things can happen in the first trimester, so no use of saying anything until after then. Agreed?”
“You’re the one with a thing inside of you.”
“Madison!” I slap her arm.
“It just reminds me of the consequences of sex. It’s like Russian-roulette. I’m too young to die.”
“My God, Mads. I’m not going to die.”
“Same difference, sister. You’re going to have a watermelon come out of your flap-jack, and that shit will never be the same. Never.”
“What happened to all the support?”
“Reality!” She stands, shouting at me. Pacing for a second, she finally stops and looks at me. “I’m good. Sorry, I just had a passing moment of insanity. Speaking of, you’re handling this better than me.”
“I think, deep down, I already knew the answer, and I’m scared, but strangely happy.”
“That’s the most crack-head thing you’ve said yet. Make an appointment with a psychiatrist, too,” she says, walking out of the bathroom.
Staring at all the tests, my first thought is to call Dray. Pushing that thought away, I have to try to keep this to me for now. Everything in me screams that this is Dray’s baby. Really, what are the chances of it being Trent’s? I actually googled getting pregnant with pre-cum, and it’s possible, but is it probable? Even if it’s Dray’s, they have that agreement about neither of them seeing me. My heart squeezes painfully at the thought of not talking to Trent about his dreams and achievements. Dray…the thought of not hearing his big laugh and not being able to be near him induces this crushing feeling to my chest. They have both been such big pieces of my life. What do I do without them?
“Kylie, get your pregnant ass in here.”
&nb
sp; Taking a deep breath, I let all of it go. I can’t save myself for either of them anymore. It’s not just me. I have to keep reminding myself of that or I might go crazy, for real.
“Hey, Leo. How was your Thanksgiving?” I ask as he comes into my office the following week.
“I spent it with my mom this year. How about...,” he starts to ask and stops.
“It’s okay. Actually, my parents and I had a quiet dinner, and it was perfect. We knew, for so long, that Aunt Leigh’s death was coming. I think that, sometimes, it makes it easier, and I appreciate you bringing Jonsie back before leaving.”
“I’m just glad that you are taking this well. I’ve been so worried.”