by T Gephart
“Stop smiling at me like that.” I playfully shoved against his chest. “It makes it too easy to believe that everything is going to be okay.”
“Look at me.” He tilted his chin so I had no choice but to look him in the eyes. “It’s not so easy to leave you behind. I’m battling my own demons on whether this is the right thing to do when my instincts are telling me to stay here. But I know there aren’t enough miles in the world to change the way I feel.”
He kissed me.
Not like he usually did, it was slower, deeper—like he wanted to capture the memory. His hands moved over my body with the same deliberate intent, each sweep of his fingertips making me tremble.
“Yes.” I breathed, though I had no idea what I actually wanted him to do.
“I want you to remember how I touch you, Kenzie.” Slowly, painfully slow, I felt him across my skin. “Remember, so when you touch yourself while I’m gone you feel my hands, not your own.”
Everywhere. My arms, my legs, my feet—places that shouldn’t be erotic yet were now driving me insane. My neck, my breast, in between my legs—the insanity rose to a new level.
“Remember this, remember how this feels.” His fingers slowly moved against my core, the sensation alone threatening to undo me. “I want my hands on you every single night.”
I nodded because words didn’t have a hope of coming out of my mouth in any way that made sense. My body ached for him to let me finish while my heart never wanted it to stop.
“I want to touch you too.” My hands reached for him, my palms flattening against his chest. “This is what I’ll think about, not just your hands on me but how I’d touch you.”
“Yes,” he moaned as my fingertips glided down his torso and gripped his already hard cock. “Fuck, that feels so good.”
My hand moved up and down his shaft, feeling him thickening with each stroke.
“Joey,” I pleaded; the two fingers that had been circling my entrance were pushed inside of me as his thumb continued to rub against my clit.
“I love to watch you come. I love it against my hand, against my lips but most of all against my cock.” His fingers continued to pump inside of me while my hand worked his length.
“That feels so good . . . So good . . .” I couldn’t finish the sentence.
Hot breath against my skin as I panted, desperate to get closer to him even though it didn’t seem physically possible. And as if he understood, he kissed me; his hands moved from between my legs right as I was about to come and he filled me with his cock. Wrapped in his arms I shattered into a million pieces, feeling him do the same in our private whirlwind.
It was everything.
And I knew I could never say goodbye.
That feeling carried me through the hours since he’d left, hoping it would be enough until he got back.
There were other things that also needed attention before he got back. Things I had put off for far too long.
***
“Kenzie.” My mom wrapped me in one of her trademark hugs as soon as I’d walked into the kitchen.
I’d finally decided to tell my folks. Honestly, it was well past due and while I had skated through to this point with a few baggy tops and clever wardrobe choices, I wanted them to know. Hopefully the fact I had waited so long didn’t add another level to the freak out, but whatever fall-out happened, I’d deal. I was standing behind my decision.
“Hey, Mom, where’s Dad?” I looked around wanting to get it over without having to repeat it. I still had no idea how either of them were going to react to the news their baby was going to be having a baby.
“Right here, sweetheart.” My dad emerged from the backroom, his magnifying glasses still fixed to his forehead. “I’m building a destroyer.” The gunmetal gray paint still on his fingers as he pulled me in for a hug of his own. Two parents, two hugs—it was time to get this show on the road.
“Soooooooo.” I swallowed, wondering how the hell to soften the blow. Yep, I had nothing. “I’m pregnant.” I blurted out like almost every time I had made the announcement. You think I’d be better at it by now. Apparently not.
“What?” Both of them answered in unison like they hadn’t just heard their youngest child was knocked up.
“I’m pregnant,” I repeated knowing it didn’t sound any better the second time around. “But this isn’t a bad thing, and I’m in love with the father.”
Wow.
Did I just say I was in love with Joey? Probably should have told him first, not that I was taking it back now. I was in love with him. Completely, and it had taken me up till this moment to realize.
“Sweetie, we didn’t even know you were dating someone and now you’re telling us you’re pregnant? This is all a bit sudden.” My mother fluttered her hand at her throat like she always did when she was nervous, the news harder to take because she hadn’t even met the man in question.
“I know, Mom, and I didn’t want to tell you right away because I thought you’d be disappointed in me. But I love this baby, and I love Joey and we’re going to be a family.” The L word was getting a workout now that I’d finally said it, and I wasn’t holding back. I wouldn’t apologize for how I felt and no matter what road we took to get here, this felt right.
“Well, where is this Joey?” My dad’s eyes shot to the closed front door. “You think he’d be standing here beside you instead of sending you here to tell us by yourself.”
“He wanted to be here but it was my choice to come alone. Trust me, he isn’t happy about it either.”
It had been my decision to wait, to tell them alone. While he had spilled to his folks we were expecting, I had yet to tell mine.
It had been so easy for him. Hopped in a car and told his parents they were going to be grandparents. He’d even invited me to go with him but I just couldn’t. Worried their reaction might be lukewarm or subjecting us to disapproving stares. And rejection wasn’t something I could take right now.
Of course none of that happened with both his mom and dad being thrilled he was settling down, and begged to meet me as soon as possible. I’d almost cried when he told me, which just got me more nervous about telling mine. What were the chances they would also be so cool with it? And as much as I didn’t admit it, I didn’t want to subject him to that.
“You know we love you, Kenzie.” My mother slowly lowered herself onto the kitchen chair. “But a baby is a big deal. It’s not something you can take back. We just want to make sure you are doing the right thing.”
It was weird hearing them ask if I was doing the right thing, because for me there was no choice. Not because I didn’t think I had one, but because I hadn’t wanted it. Joey, the baby, my future—none of those things was mutually exclusive.
“If by right thing you mean having this child and being with the father, then yes, I’m doing the right thing.” I’d never been more sure of anything in my life. I just wished I’d had the opportunity to tell Joey before he’d left.
“We weren’t suggesting you not have the baby, or not be with him.” My dad who refused to sit gave me a second hug. “We just want to make sure no one is pressuring you. We will support you no matter what.”
“Good, then prepare to be grandparents.”
Next came the inevitable follow up conversation.
How far along was I?
Are we getting married?
Was he going to be gone for the entire duration of my pregnancy?
Why I didn’t move back home to make things easier?
Why hadn’t I taken out medical insurance like they’d asked?
I knew they meant well but it would have been easier without the inquisition. In the end, they’d resigned themselves that I would be doing it my way—as I’d always done—but reminded me that their love and support weren’t far. Something that Sara had told me to expect when I’d first found out.
“Hey.” I answered my phone without checking the caller id, my hands being tied up trying to open the car door. My p
arents still at the window while I tried to wave and balance the phone with my ear.
“Hey, babe.” Joey’s voice filled my ear. “I’ve missed you.”
“Joey.” It hadn’t been that long since I’d heard him and yet I struggled not to get 1D fangirl crazy as I said that one word. My heart did a summersault in my chest cavity as I tried not to dance in the street. It was a decent neighborhood; they wouldn’t appreciate my crazy.
“So,” his voice rumbled through the phone. “My hand is on my dick.” His sexy laugh told me he probably wasn’t joking.
“It’s two in the afternoon, don’t you have something more important to do?” I laughed as I successfully unlocked my car door and slid into the driver’s seat. It wasn’t easy, especially given I had already pictured him naked, his dick in his hand just as he’d described. I made a mental note not to lick my lips.
“Sure, I’d rather be doing you, but you’re back in New York and I’m in Connecticut sooooooo that just leaves my hand. Unless you want to drive up here—” He deliberately left his sentence trailing.
“I can’t just drive up there.” Really? It wasn’t that far, two hours tops. I could be there and back before bedtime. No. I couldn’t. “It will make it harder to say bye when I have to leave. I can’t do another goodbye so soon.”
It had been hard enough a couple of days ago, a piece of me leaving on the bus with him. And as amazing as it would be to see him now, that elation would be short lived when I would have to get in my car and drive home. I’d probably cry too this time, having managed to successfully not cry the first time, and that was not happening.
“Fine, just my hand then.” He didn’t sound surprised, knowing full well I’d probably refuse. “You want to talk dirty to me? You should touch yourself too, that’s so hot.”
“I’m driving, I can’t have phone sex and drive.” My hand hit the ignition bringing my engine to life. If there was any doubt I was operating heavy machinery, the rev of the engine would help put that to rest. I probably hit the gas a little harder than was needed as I pulled out into traffic.
“You are just shitting on all my ideas today.” He puffed out a breath seemingly exasperated before chuckling. “Okay, I’ll compromise. Don’t touch yourself but tell me what you would do if you could.”
Ironically, if I had him in arms distance, sex would be the last thing on my mind. He could get me from zero to a hundred with just that sexy smile but right now, I wanted something else.
“I’d hold you Joey, and then ask you to hold me. And fall asleep listening to your beating heart knowing that you would be right there when I woke up.”
I didn’t even care how desperate it made me sound, I was done hiding my feelings and while our first I love yous wouldn’t be done on a telephone, I couldn’t hide how much I cared. How much he meant to me.
“Baby, you’re killing me here.” He cursed softly into the phone. “Maybe I can borrow a car and come to you.”
Yes. Is what I wanted to say. I wanted him to grab a car and meet me at my apartment so we could be alone in our moment. Not deal with my parents, or his. Not deal with work, or bands, or tours. Just us. But I couldn’t say those words and make it harder than it already was.
“You need to do this tour, and I’m just moody and emotional. It will get easier.” Or at least that’s what I had to believe. “I told my folks.” I hoped the change in conversation might stop me from wanting to cry and make the drive home a little easier.
“Yeah, did they think I was a deadbeat for letting you tell them by yourself?”
While Joey had supported me in telling my parents my way, he hadn’t liked it. Not that I’d ever really given him the choice.
“No, I told them it’s what I wanted. And they know me well enough to know that I do what I want.”
“Well, no arguments here.” He laughed quietly into the phone. “So I’m guessing phone sex isn’t going to happen.” Once again he didn’t sound surprised.
“Not right now but you can talk to me while I drive and keep me company. Maybe I’ll get inspired when I get home.” Or maybe I’d just listen to his voice and pretend he was right there with me and it wouldn’t be months before I’d see him again.
There was silence, its weight filling the air and I knew he was thinking about it too. The distance. The time. And how were we going to survive four months when we’d barely survived a couple of days.
“Can I still jerk off or is that going to be creepy?” he huskily whispered into the phone, breaking the moment and making me laugh.
“Joey, if you need to ask . . .”
“Okay, I am not doing anything then.” I heard the smile in his voice, pleased that his diversionary tactics had worked.
“How can any of this even be remotely sexy to you?” I asked seriously. Somehow I had gone from strong and independent to clingy and needy. I couldn’t think of anything less attractive. And thank God he couldn’t see me because I looked really ordinary as well.
“Because it’s you on the other end of the phone,” he said with zero hesitation. “And anything to do with you turns me on. You could be doing my taxes and it would still give me the biggest hard-on.”
“You are such a romantic.” I laughed, knowing he was probably telling the truth.
“All for you.” He sighed into the phone.
I could tell this was just as difficult for him and I didn’t want our last moments on the phone to be sad so I started telling him about my drive. It was boring and monotonous but he listened, asking questions until I finally pulled up at my apartment.
Then he took over and told me about his current reality. About the band, the bus—his words filling my time while I unlocked my door and entered my apartment and then finally when I collapsed on my bed.
“Kenzie?” he asked when he hadn’t heard me answer in a while, my body completely relaxed as I listened to the cadence of his voice.
“Yeah, Joey.” I waited, the silence stretching out a little longer.
He let out a long deep breath like he’d been holding it for a while, seeming to stall on whatever thought he was going to vocalize.
“Nothing, babe. I just wanted to hear you, make sure I hadn’t sent you off to sleep.”
I wasn’t sure what he was going to originally say but whatever it was, the moment had passed.
“You can do a lot of things, Joey Shaw. Sending me off to sleep not at the top of that list.”
“Does that mean you want phone sex now?” he asked, hope brimming in his voice.
I bit my lip desperately trying not to laugh as I dropped my voice seductively low. I’d never been good at saying no to him.
“Guess where my hands are?”
This had been my dream.
Traveling the country with my three best friends playing our songs to thousands of people and having them sing them right back. It was what I had laid awake dreaming about as a sixteen-year-old, when I wasn’t dreaming about girls. Just the road, the band and our songs. And now it wasn’t enough.
I wanted her with me.
Kenzie.
The girl who’d knocked me on my ass and completely claimed my heart.
And as much as I wanted to enjoy what was happening for me, it was just empty without her.
To top it off, while her folks had been relatively cool with the situation—or so she told me, I had yet to see their it’s-all-fine with my own two eyes—her older brother Brandon was another story.
The tough-talking bastard—or as I liked to call him, meathead—wasn’t so happy his little sister was knocked up. Not that I could say I blamed him—he was obviously protective of her—but I hated that he was giving her a hard time. Thankfully he hadn’t returned from his deployment yet, which meant any displeasure he had about the situation was delivered via phone, text or email. Oh, yeah, I also forgot to mention the dude was also a fucking hero, serving his country with the National Guard, so I couldn’t even legitimately hate him. Just one more thing to add to my already fuc
ked up resume. Left pregnant girlfriend to go on tour and wants to beat up her salt-of-the-earth-patriotic brother. My week had turned from suck to blow.
And, if all of that wasn’t enough to convince me to find a fucking car and drive down to see her, news of Kenzie’s pregnancy had started to filter through.
Around the New York scene it had been the worst kept secret ever, but as long as it stayed in our little circle, we didn’t really give a shit who knew. Now, it seemed that’s all anyone wanted to talk about. The dude from Rolling Stone had even asked Rusty about it and I hadn’t even been at the fucking interview. It was making me edgy. And I hoped like hell she wasn’t dealing with her own shitstorm.
“Hey Joey, it’s Rich here. How are you?”
I stared at the laptop in front of me, the Skype call I apparently had to take.
Rich Steer had come on board after we signed the new record deal. He wasn’t with Power Station or the label but was some dude that we supposedly had to keep on retainer. In case one of us did something stupid, because apparently now we were a target for legal action, blah, blah, blah. Fucking bored me to tears. Just put some sticks in my hands and let me play. I don’t want to deal with any of that shit.
“I’m good, dude. Any reason why you wanted me and not the band?” Or why the fuck I need to talk to you in the first place considering I’m not in jail or some shit.
“So the label mentioned you were going to be a father, is that true?” He leaned forward, his eyebrow cocked waiting for my answer.
I really didn’t like this douche but it wasn’t up to me, and as long as he kept our shit in order, we didn’t need to be BFFs.
“Yeah, I am.” No point denying it, pretty sure it had been printed in at least three different publications, it was hardly a state secret.
“And I’m to assume that you are sure this is your child?” he asked while I stared blankly at the screen. My mind wished technology had evolved enough that I could have give him a beat down remotely.
“Not trying to be improper here, but it wouldn’t be the first time a girl has claimed to be pregnant by someone for a settlement. You are looking to make quite a sizable fortune on this album.” He went on to explain, my silence taken the way it was intended—he’d pissed me off.