by E. L. Todd
Without knocking, Wilder burst inside my room and slammed the door behind him.
My book went flying from my hands, and I almost fell off the couch. “What the hell are you doing?”
He stood behind the couch with his hands on his hips. He wore his workout clothes, a black t-shirt and gray shorts. The look in his eyes said he was pissed about something.
“What’s your problem?” I grabbed the book off the ground and knew I lost my place in the pages.
“Why aren’t you ready to train?”
“Because I’m not going.” He really couldn’t figure that out on his own?
“Are you sick?”
“No.”
“Do you have somewhere to be?”
“No.”
“Then get your ass up and change. You better be down there in five minutes.” He turned to the door.
“Whoa…what?” I stood up and tossed the book aside. “Who the hell do you think you are? You might be my teacher, but that doesn’t mean I’m your bitch.”
He turned back around. “I never made that assumption. But when you’re scheduled to work, you better show up.”
“I need space, Wilder. I’ll return when I feel like it.”
His eyes darkened to coals, and he looked livid. “You need space? Why?”
Like he didn’t know.
“You kissed me. You came on to me. Or do you not remember that?”
“But—”
“You grinded against my dick like you wanted to ride it. You wrapped your legs around my waist. You took my pants off. So don’t sit there and act all innocent. Don’t you dare blame me for any of that. If you didn’t want it, you could have just kept your damn lips to yourself.”
Now my anger matched his. “I don’t want to be some chick that you fuck.”
“Then don’t fuck me,” he snapped. “It’s that simple. If you can’t handle it, just don’t it.”
“But I do want to do it. I just want something more.”
His hands were still on his hips, but they lowered to his side. “I told you that’s off the table. Actually, I’ve told you twice.”
“I just thought—”
“This is who I am.” He stepped closer to me. “I’ve never misled you about who I am. I don’t do relationships or girlfriends. I do flings and one-night stands. There’s nothing wrong with that so stop judging me. I’m sorry it’s not what you want, but that’s too damn bad. Get over it.”
Offended, I shut my mouth and pressed my lips tightly together.
There was no remorse in his eyes as he stared me down. “I would love to have something physical with you. We could be friends and lovers at the same time. When the flame burns out, like it always does, we can keep our friendship and move on with our lives. That’s always on the table. But something more…never.”
My lips moved but hardly anything came out. “Why?”
“I already told you why, Gray. I won’t repeat myself.”
“But it doesn’t add up.”
“What doesn’t add up?”
“You said you have a heart, but that it doesn’t work anymore.”
He nodded in agreement.
“But it does work.” When I reflected on our time together since we met, I knew there was more than just a physical attraction. I wasn’t crazy. “You look at me like you care about me. You smile when you’re with me, like there’s nowhere else you’d rather be. You’re vulnerable and open…it’s different.”
“You’ve never seen me interact with anyone else, so how would you know?”
“I just do.” I couldn’t explain how, but that didn’t change anything. “You’re different with me. You care about me.”
His eyes softened. “Of course I care about you, Gray.”
“But it’s more than that. You can deny it, but in the back of your mind, you know what I’m talking about.”
He held my gaze, but his features were closed off. He wouldn’t let me read him, not like he usually did. “I’m sorry I gave you the wrong impression. There’s nothing here except my friendship and lust.”
I still didn’t believe that. “How do you not feel what I feel?”
“I don’t know,” he said quietly. “I don’t even know what you feel.”
“Something.” That described everything in a nutshell.
“Perhaps you’re confusing it with lust. Gray, there’s nothing wrong with a purely physical relationship between two adults. It happens all the time.”
“I know,” I said. “I’ve had plenty of those kinds of relationships.”
Confusion stretched across his face. “Then why won’t you have one with me?”
“Because I know what will happen.” I didn’t need to go down that road to see the dead end. I didn’t need to put my heart on the table when a hammer was lying right beside it. Without experiencing all the joys and highs, I knew this relationship had an expiration date on it. And that would be perfectly fine if I didn’t feel this way. But there was something about him that called my name. I’d already become so invested in him. I could write an epic novel just about his lips.
That type of feeling didn’t happen to me very often.
Wilder sighed, and his anger was gone. “Then there’s nothing to do besides move on.” He said it with finality, like he’d already accepted that fate before our conversation even ended.
He really didn’t feel anything for me? Not a single thing? “I guess.”
“Then we should get to the compound.” He returned his hands to his hips. “Get changed, and I’ll meet you down there.” He headed to the door.
“Wilder?”
He turned back around. “Gray.”
“That night at the bar, you left that pretty blonde for me.”
“Your point?”
“Why?”
He shrugged. “I don’t know.”
“You do know.”
He crossed his arms over his chest, and his eyes moved to the floor for a moment. “Because I’m an asshole, Gray. I had the attention of a perfectly nice woman, but I ditched her in mid-sentence the second you walked inside. And chances are, if you were the one sitting beside me, I would have done the same thing to you for someone else.”
Even though his words hurt and seemed sincere, I didn’t believe them. “You wouldn’t do that to me.”
Instead of growing irritated or upset, his eyes narrowed on my face like he was looking for something. “I admit I’m fond of you. But that fondness only goes so far.”
Despite what he said, I still believed otherwise. Wilder clearly had emotional and commitment issues, and he was so far in denial he wouldn’t come out of it for a long time. I wasn’t the kind of girl to wait around for a guy to notice me or value me, so I couldn’t wait around for him to understand how he truly felt.
But that was easier said than done.
I’d have to keep my distance from him. And I definitely had to keep my hands to myself. If I gave him too much, he would take everything.
Without even realizing it.
***
The rest of the week went by in a blur. We trained every day, and by the end, I was so sore I could hardly move. My legs felt like lead, and my arms were too stiff to move. I was hungry all the time, no matter how much I ate.
I got into bed that night and kept my lamp on. My book was on the nightstand, and a bookmark kept my place. I wanted to read but I was so exhausted that I didn’t feel like doing anything.
It was a catch-22.
I lay there and stared at the lamp, trying to find the strength to turn it off. My arm stretched out, and I fumbled for the switch. My thumb found it, and the light disappeared.
I released a deep sigh and felt my body ache.
There was a light knock on the door. It was so light that I didn’t know whom it belonged to. It could be Judy, but it seemed too distinct for her knock. But it didn’t sound like Wilder either.
Instead
of saying anything, I just lay there. I was too tired to sit up and have a conversation.
My door clicked open and someone entered.
My eyes opened. I was facing the opposite way, toward the window. And I wondered who was in my room and why.
The door shut behind them and then there was a noticeable dip in the bed as they sat on the edge. The covers were pulled back like they intended to share the bed with me.
Forgetting how tired I was, I turned over and saw Wilder. He was shirtless with just sweatpants on. “What are you doing?” My voice came out hoarse because I was still half-asleep.
“Can I sleep with you?”
What?
“Uh, why?”
He shrugged. “I just want to.”
What kind of reason was that? I sat up and kept the covers to my chest. I wore a t-shirt but there weren’t any bottoms.
Wilder stared at me before he sat beside me, leaning back against the pillow. “I thought about what you said.”
What specifically? I said a lot of things.
“It is different with you. I do care about you.” He studied my face as he spoke, watching my reaction. “And I understand why that day in the compound bothered you so much.”
My heart spread wings and took flight.
“And I wanted to make it up to you.”
“How?”
“I thought we could sleep together. You know, just sleep.” A slight smile formed on his lips.
“You want to sleep with me?” I almost couldn’t believe it.
“If I’m welcome.” He adjusted the pillow then lay down. “I’m a pretty good cuddler.” He gave me a wink.
“I’ll have to see about that…”
His arm hooked around my waist and he pulled me beside him. My back was against his chest, and I immediately felt the warmth his body projected. He dug his face into my hair and took a deep breath.
I couldn’t believe this was real.
“Why are you doing this?” I whispered.
He was quiet for so long I didn’t think he would say anything. “I wanted to give you something I’ve never given anyone before.”
***
When I woke up, he was still there. His body was intertwined with mine, and it still burned like a heater. His cheek was pressed against mine and both of his arms were hooked around my waist. I felt like a stuffed animal.
It was the first time I woke up with a smile on my face.
He released a deep sigh when he woke up, and he stretched his legs under the sheets. His arms tightened around me momentarily before he released his grip. “Morning.”
“Morning.” The sun had barely risen beyond the mountainside. A small amount of light pierced the valley. I didn’t usually wake up this early on my own. But then again, today I had a reason to.
He turned me around with just one arm then looked into my face. His eyes were lidded with sleep and his hair was messy from lying on the pillow, but he made it look sexy. “How’d you sleep?”
“Good. You?”
“I haven’t slept that well in years.” His hand moved to my hip over the t-shirt.
“Why? I’m not that cuddly.”
“I usually have nightmares. Last night, I didn’t.”
My heart fell in sadness.
“Maybe you’re my dream catcher.”
I would give anything to be his dream catcher. “Maybe it was just a coincidence.”
“We should do this again and find out.”
I would love to do it every night.
“I guess we should get up and get the day started…” He moved from under the sheets.
“No.” I yanked him back. “I’m so sore I can barely move, and I’m still tired. Let’s stay here…just this one time.”
“And be lazy?”
“I like to think of it as recuperation.”
“Fancy term for lazy.”
“Come on.” My arm hooked around his waist. “Just be lazy this once.” I never wanted to get out of that bed, not when that gorgeous man was lying beside me. I couldn’t have him, but I could pretend he was mine for the day.
“And what would we do?”
“Eat in bed. Read. Talk.”
“I’ve never shared a bed with a woman this long without getting laid.”
“But you’re getting something so much better than sex.”
He smiled. “I guess. What should we do first?”
“Well, I’m starving.”
“What’s new?” he teased.
“Do you think Judy will bring us breakfast in bed?”
“Have you never met her?” he asked with a laugh.
“I don’t want to boss her around…”
He grabbed his phone from the nightstand and sent a text.
“What was that?”
“I asked her to leave a tray by the door.”
“But then she’ll know we slept together.”
“So?” he asked with a yawn.
“So?” I snapped. “She’ll assume we had sex.”
“I wish we had sex.”
I nudged him in the side. “I’m being serious.”
“Who cares what she thinks, sweetheart.” He kissed me on the cheek, an unexpected gesture of affection, and then returned to snuggling with me under the blanket.
I was too flustered to say another word.
***
Half the day had come and gone, and we still hadn’t left the bed for more than a few minutes at a time. We were playing a game on his phone.
“Your move.”
I moved my checker piece forward.
Wilder made a quick move with the swipe of his finger.
I moved another checker piece, ignoring an important one on the other side of the board. I knew he would be so focused on what I was moving that he would forget about it.
And like I suspected, he did. He moved his piece forward, right in my line of attack.
I quickly jumped him. “King me, bitch.”
“Dammit,” he said. “You snuck up on me.”
“For a secret agent, you aren’t very good at games.”
“I guess I failed that course when I attended The Secret School of Spies.” His voice was full of sarcasm with a hint of amusement.
“You didn’t play when you were younger?”
“Not really.” He never spoke of his childhood or his family.
I wish I could ask him about it. “What are your nightmares about?” I made a move on the phone and tried to act casual.
“A lot of things.” He remained vague, like usual.
“Did you have a nightmare last night?” I asked. “Before you came in here?” Maybe that was the real reason he joined me. I comforted him and drove his demons away. I was the light when he was in a dark place.
“Yes.” He didn’t sugarcoat it with a lie.
“What was it about?”
He made another move on his phone and grew more somber with every passing second. “Someone I loved was taken from me. I usually have that nightmare a few times a week.”
“Oh…”
Wilder stopped playing even though the game wasn’t over. He sat up like he was about to leave.
“I’m sorry if my questions made you uncomfortable. Don’t go.”
He took a deep breath then lay back down. “I don’t like to talk about stuff like that.”
“Why not?”
“Too painful.”
I nuzzled into his side and rested my hand on his chest. “I miss my mom. I still think about her every day.”
“I’m guessing you got your beauty from her.”
“She was beautiful.”
“When was the last time you saw her?”
“About five years ago. She left the house to go grocery shopping. She gave me a kiss and told me she loved me. And that was it… I don’t like to talk about it either.”
“Then why are you telling me this?”
&n
bsp; “I don’t know. I feel comfortable with you.”
He turned his face toward me. “You can tell me anything. I’ll always keep your secrets.”
“I know.”
His hand moved through my hair, gently twirling it in his fingers. “Have you ever been in love?”
“That’s a loaded question…”
He smiled. “Just curious.”
“No.”
“No serious guys in your life?”
“I’ve had a few relationships, but I wasn’t in love with any of the guys.”
“I bet they were in love with you.”
I made a sarcastic grunt. “Hardly. I’ve fallen for the wrong guy a few times, but that wasn’t love. That was just infatuation mixed with lust.”
“Most relationships are.”
“But those aren’t real. They don’t last.” I felt the muscles of his chest. “What about you?”
“Have I ever been in love?”
“Yeah.” I knew his answer would be yes. He loved someone and lost her. That had to be referring to a woman.
“No.”
“Never?” I asked in surprise.
“Not once.”
“Oh…” Then what were his nightmares about? The victims he couldn’t save? Who was the person he lost? Should I ask? Or would he never answer?
“Like I said, I’m not capable of love.”
That wasn’t true. “You are, Wilder.”
“I’m really not, Gray. And I’m not just saying that.”
“You love me.” It was a bold statement to make, but I made it anyway.
He turned to me with a hard expression.
“Not romantically. But you do love me. I can tell. If something were to happen to me, you would be heartbroken. If I were in pain, you’d fix me. If I ever needed you for anything, you would be there. You listen to everything I say because you care. You make me feel safe because you want me to be happy.”
He watched me without saying a word, but when he swallowed the lump in his throat, I knew I hit a nerve.
“You love Judy. I can tell you do. You’d do anything for her. And you put your life on the line to save people you don’t even know. It’s not that you aren’t capable of love. You just love more than your heart can handle.”
***
I moved the knife through the air at lightning speed and cut him down the forearm.
He didn’t flinch in pain or seem remotely bothered. He looked down at it and saw the blood ooze out. When he turned back to me, there was a smile on his lips. “I’m impressed.”