by E. L. Todd
I would never be ready, but I appreciated the thought.
Wilder snuggled close to me.
I should have headed back to my room, but I didn’t want to. No matter how bad I felt, I wanted to be with him. Sleeping in a warm bed with a man I felt connected to was the best feeling in the world. I didn’t have sleepovers very often in the past. I wasn’t the kind of girl to snuggle. It was uncomfortable and always way too hot. But I felt differently with Wilder. There was nowhere else I’d rather be.
Chapter Twelve
Instead of returning to our schedules or training and education, Wilder spent the week with me doing other things. He took me skiing on the Alps and showed me a few things. He also took me shopping then gave Judy the night off so we could cook dinner instead.
And every night, we slept in his room.
He didn’t bring up my mom or my dad. He pretended it never happened. Instead, he acted like there wasn’t a care in the world for either one of us.
We were in front of the fire in the living room, our backs on the rug and our feet on the hearth. Wilder lay beside me, his glass of white wine on the hardwood floor.
I was a little buzzed from the booze. “What’s it like in the summer?”
“Just as beautiful...but in a different way.”
“Different how?”
“Well, there’s no snow. The mountains are green and lush.”
“So, it looks like Ireland?”
His lips stretched in amusement. “I guess.”
“Have you been to Ireland?”
“Yes.”
“Do they have a lot of four-leaf clovers?” I laughed at my own joke even though it wasn’t funny. Right now, everything was funny.
“I’ve actually never seen one. But I’ve seen three-leaf clovers.”
“Loser…”
He gave me a playful shove. “You’re fun when you’re drunk.”
“I’m not drunk,” I said defensively. That was total bullshit. My ears were warm, and I felt my cheeks redden.
“Yeah?” he asked. “What’s the capital of Sweden?”
“Uh…” I searched my brain but couldn’t come up with the answer.
He smiled triumphantly. “Totally wasted.”
“No. I still wouldn’t know the answer even if I were sober.”
“Ha!” He pointed his finger at me. “So, you are drunk.”
I realized what I said when it was too late. “What? No. That’s not what I meant.”
“That’s what you said.”
“Dammit…”
“You are a party girl, after all…”
“Do you know the capital of Sweden?” It was useless trivia. Knowing the capital of a country didn’t really mean anything unless you were on Jeopardy.
“Stockholm.”
He could be lying but I wouldn’t know. So it was stupid to ask.
“What’s the capital of Massachusetts?”
“Uh…” Shit, I didn’t know this one either.
“I’m officially judging you.”
“Look, I do know. Just give me a second…” I rubbed my lips tightly together as I tried to think.
“Boston.” He grinned while trying not to laugh. “Just to save you some time.”
“You’re such a jerk.”
“For testing your knowledge?” he asked incredulously. “You must have really hated your teachers.”
“Actually, I did.” I sat up and leaned over him, my body making the decision while my mind took the back seat.
Wilder’s smile faded and his eyes grew serious as he stared up at me.
“You know the one thing I miss from home?”
His eyes moved to my lips. “What?”
“Frozen burritos.”
His lips stretched into a smile again. “You don’t like Judy’s authentic cooking?”
“It’s too healthy.”
He chuckled. “You’re right. How gross.”
I leaned further over him and my hair touched his shoulder. Then I pressed my lips to his and kissed him. I didn’t think twice about it. Alcohol lowered my inhibitions significantly, and my natural instincts took over. I was in such a dark place at the moment, and Wilder was the only light in my life. He made the burden so much easier. He kept the nightmares away when I was slept, and he chased the painful thoughts away during the day. Without even realizing what was happening before it was too late, I knew he’d become my best friend.
Wilder took a deep breath when he felt my mouth against his. He didn’t move his lips, just staying absolutely still. I kept going, wanting to feel the passion of his mouth. I wanted to feel that burning desire, that violent chemistry that emerged whenever we were joined. There was a connection between us, and whenever I felt it, I was whole.
When he couldn’t resist it anymore, he kissed me back. His lips moved against mine slowly, like always. He took his time when he kissed me, making each embrace purposeful. His hand reached into my hair and he anchored me to him, deepening the kiss until the temperature rose to a scorching level.
My legs moved to either side of his hips and my hair formed a curtain around him. My chest was pressed to his, and our hips were in line. I could feel the bulge in his jeans, and I wanted to do more than just rub his definition.
I rolled to my back and pulled him with me, wanting him on top. The fire in the hearth still burned, and the flames crackled and popped. Judy’s room was downstairs on the other side of the house, so we had the privacy we needed. I wanted to dive head first into a passionate night with Wilder. It wouldn’t mean anything to him, but it would mean something to me. Anytime I was with him, I felt better. Feeling him inside me—connecting our minds together—was exactly what I craved most. If I couldn’t have all of him, I still wanted some of him.
He kissed me harder as he held himself over me. One hand moved to my hip and he squeezed it gently before he moved to my thigh. He parted my lips with his tongue and gave me a new realm of pleasure.
Wilder was the best kisser I’ve ever had. He knew when to take thing slow, and when he did increase the pace, he didn’t do it in a sloppy way. He gave me just the right amount of tongue without overdoing it. His experience was evident in every move he made.
I breathed into his mouth and dug my nails into his back. “Make love to me, Wilder.”
His entire body stiffened at my words, and he broke our kiss. His face was still pressed to mine and he looked into my eyes with the same desire that was there just moments before.
I was tired of pushing him away and locking my heart in a safe. If he broke my heart tomorrow, I would deal with it then. All I had to do was drink more alcohol and that would numb the pain. Right now, I just wanted him. I wanted every inch of him.
Wilder gave me a long kiss before he lifted me into his arms then carried me up the stairs to his bedroom. He always carried me with ease, even though I wasn’t light as air. I had serious muscles in my legs, and those fried cheese sticks really made an impact on my less flattering areas.
He carried me to his bedroom then laid me down on the bedspread.
My entire body was burning in flames even though we hadn’t even begun yet. I wanted him to take me aggressively and give me so much pleasure that there was no room for pain.
Instead of coming to the bed, Wilder grabbed clothes from his drawer then came to me.
I propped myself up on my arms and watched him.
He unbuttoned my jeans and pulled them down. His eyes were locked to mine as he did it.
Could he speed it up? We’d done enough rounds of foreplay. Now I just wanted him.
When my jeans were off, he lifted one leg and placed it over his shoulder. Then he kissed the inner thigh, pressing his soft lips against the skin.
No one had ever kissed me like that, and I loved it. My back arched in pleasure, and I released a musical sigh.
He switched legs and did the same to the other.
I knew I
was in for a treat before we even got to the good stuff. I knew how endowed he was below the waist. He would put every man I’d ever been with to shame.
Then he pulled his sweatpants up my legs and to my waist.
Stunned, I just stared.
He moved for my shirt next and pulled it off. I was just in my bra, and his eyes immediately went to the cleavage between my tits. He leaned over me until I was flat on the bed before he pressed a kiss to the area where my breasts met. He licked the valley between them then spread the area with kisses.
My fingers dug into his hair, and I released an involuntary moan. He could do amazing things with his mouth. I wanted his lips between my legs. One boyfriend I had went down on me a few times. He wasn’t amazing in bed, but he was really good at that. That was why we were together for as long as we were.
Wilder pulled his lips away then pushed his oversized shirt over my head. He yanked it down until my body was covered. Instead of laying there in just my underwear, I was in his clothes that were five sizes too big.
“What are you doing?” I blurted.
“Getting you ready for bed, sweetheart.”
“I don’t want to go to sleep. I told you what I want.”
“And believe me, I want to give it to you. But not like this.”
“Like what?” My sexual frustration was causing my temper to flare.
“You’re drunk. That’s not my style.”
“Who cares if I’m drunk? I know what I’m doing. I know what I want.” I pulled him on top of me and wrapped my legs around his waist. I was never this forward, but tonight I didn’t have any pride.
A soft moan erupted from deep in his throat. It was quiet, like the distant hum from a bird outside the window. I wasn’t even sure if I heard it. His definition pressed right against me, and I knew he still wanted me.
I pressed my mouth to his and gently sucked his bottom lip. I grinded against him gently, enticing him. “Wilder…I’ve never wanted a man more in my life.”
He released a restrained breath as he held himself over me.
I grabbed his hand and lowered it inside my sweatpants and under my panties. His fingers found the wetness between my legs. With my hands over his, I guided him, wanting him to know exactly how much I wanted him.
He breathed hard, like it was becoming more difficult to resist me. Hopefully, he would crack and give in. His fingers continued to play with me and then his lips found mine. He kissed me slowly, his pace matching the movement of his fingers. Two fingers slipped inside me while his thumb worked my nub. He used the right pressure and mechanics to make it feel good. It was clear it wasn’t his first rodeo.
He gave me his tongue as he continued circling my nub with his thumb. “You’re so tight, sweetheart.” His fingers pulsed inside me.
My hand fisted his hair while the other gripped his back. He set me ablaze like a forest fire. I couldn’t be quenched by anything but him.
He removed his fingers then circled my nub harder. He increased the pace and pushed me over the edge, giving me a blinding hot orgasm that was hot enough to give me third-degree burns. I fell into the chasm he created, and I rode it out until my high was depleted. I slowly came back down to earth, my lips still pressed to his. Instead of being satisfied, I wanted more. I wanted our bodies to move together in mutual pleasure. I wanted to watch his face as he came inside me.
Wilder pulled his hand out of my pants then licked his fingers nonchalantly. He stared in my eyes as he did it. “Sweet.”
My hands went for his shirt, and I pulled it up his chest.
He grabbed it and pulled it down.
Disappointment filled me. “I want you, Wilder. Not just your hand.”
“I want you too, sweetheart. But I don’t want to be a regret in the morning. And I certainly don’t want to hurt you.”
“You won’t.”
He pulled the covers back and tucked me inside. After he threw another log on the fire and turned off the lamp, he got into bed beside me. It was clear he wasn’t going to fulfill my fantasies.
He cuddled beside me and pulled me to his chest.
“Wilder—”
He stopped me in midsentence when he kissed me on the forehead. His lips burned me the second they came into contact with my skin. The affection was innocent and pure, the sort of embrace that only happened between devoted lovers. No one had ever given me a kiss in that way.
Not like that.
Chapter Thirteen
I woke up the next morning with a migraine.
And I felt humiliated at the same time.
The worst part was, while I’d been drinking the night before, I wasn’t that drunk. I knew what I was doing, and I remembered the entire thing. My depression had hit an all-time high, and my desire for Wilder had reached new levels. Spending time with him every day wasn’t making it easy to remain platonic.
And sleeping with him every night wasn’t helping either.
His strong chest was right in my face when I woke up. His scent washed over me, and I wished I could wake up like this every day. My cheeks were slightly red from my embarrassment, and I remained absolutely still so I could prolong the silence as much as possible.
“Morning, sweetheart.” He looked down at me without any hint of gloating. “Your head okay?”
I rubbed my temple. “I might have a headache…”
He grabbed two pills from the nightstand and handed me a glass of water.
I swallowed the pills dry then washed them down with water. Hopefully, those would kick in soon. “Do you have anything for the humiliation?” I figured making a joke about it was better than pretending it never happened.
“What’s there to be humiliated about?”
He was going to make me come out and say it? “Don’t play stupid.”
“I’m not.” He kept a straight face. “You think I didn’t enjoy kissing you everywhere? You think I haven’t been hard all night thinking about that tight little pussy of yours?” He yanked on the baggy shirt and exposed my shoulder. Then he pressed a kiss to the skin. “There’s nothing to be embarrassed about.”
My cheeks turned red, but for a different reason. “Then why didn’t you want to be with me?”
“You really would have wanted it to be that way?” he asked. “When you were buzzed and depressed?”
“In my experience, that’s when sex is the best.” I tried to break the ice with a joke.
“I didn’t want it that way. If you ever want me, I’m available. But not when you’re an emotional wreck. If you need a shoulder to cry on, I’m always here. If you need someone to talk to you, I’m your guy. But if you want to make a mistake that will hurt you after the moment is over, then you’re looking in the wrong place. We’re friends, and friends don’t do that to each other.”
Just when I thought I couldn’t feel anything more for him, I did. My eyes softened, and the embarrassment disappeared.
He looked down at my face, reading my expression.
“I wasn’t trying to use you. I wouldn’t have done that with anyone else.” I felt obligated to explain my behavior. “I wanted you because I’m comfortable with you…because I care about you.”
“I know,” he said with a nod.
“I just feet lost…” I broke our connection and looked down at the bed. “My father and I were never close, but I never doubted he loved me. He and my mom seemed so happy together. We were a family. I can’t believe everything was a lie. I don’t have a family…because he’s a monster.” I didn’t want to cry because I found it annoying. Anytime people cried around me, it made me uncomfortable. I wasn’t an exception to that. It was okay to have emotions, but to display them in such a vulnerable way was awkward. I breathed hard and kept my tears back. I didn’t want to cry in front of Wilder, of all people.
He hung on to my every word. “I know it’s hard. Family keeps us grounded. When they’re gone, we don’t know where we belong anymore. Quiet aft
ernoons suddenly feel lonely when they didn’t before. And holidays feel even worse.”
It seemed like he understood all too well.
“And it’s even worse knowing your dad isn’t who he said he is. You have so many memories of him, but now you have to separate fact from fiction.”
I nodded.
“But you always have me. I can be your family, Gray.”
“You’re all I have…” The realization made me feel worse. A man I met in a bar on a random night ended up being the closest friend I’ve ever had. He quickly became my savior. He changed my life overnight, taking it in a direction I never anticipated.
“And the other agents can be your family too. They don’t have much either.”
“The other agents?” I asked.
“Yeah. I’ll introduce you soon.”
I didn’t want to leave this chalet in the snow. I didn’t want to join the real world. Life was only full of pain. Even the people closest to us betrayed us. It was hard to know who could really be trusted. My mother trusted my father, and look where that got her.
Wilder’s arms wrapped around me, and he pulled me further into his side. “It’ll be okay, Gray. I know that sounds hard to believe right now, but it will.”
Wilder healed a part of me. The second we met, I knew something was there. It was so strong it scared me. That kind of connection was too powerful. With great power comes great danger. I tried to evade him, but I kept running into him. And when he saw me, he couldn’t walk away either. And now we’d spent so much time together locked away in a winter wonderland. For a moment, I thought he was evil, an enemy. But then he turned out to be the greatest hero I’ve ever known. My heart was wrapped around his finger so tightly, the rope was about to break.
I saw him for so much more than he really was. He was a wounded soul with a broken heart. He’d lost more than he could handle. But deep down inside, he was still the same man he used to be. He had the ability to love and forgive. But he just forgot how.
We were connected in a way both of us understood. He couldn’t deny it anymore, and I didn’t bother trying. Just being with him numbed the pain. I chased his nightmares away like a personal dream catcher. Perhaps we were meant to meet. Perhaps we were meant to cross paths.