by E. L. Todd
“What does it matter?” I snapped.
“You’re going through my stuff now?” His voice was lower than it was a moment ago, but now it was more deadly. “That’s the kind of person you are? Snooping through my phone like it’s any of your damn business.” His eyes started to glow like a blazing fire. “Are you a bratty teenager? Are you a controlling girlfriend? Maybe you need a reality check, Gray. I’m not your goddamn boyfriend. I don’t do the girlfriend thing. Now I’ve told you that three times. I’m not yours, and I can do whatever the hell I damn well please. If I want to fuck some girl named Jessica, I will. And you need to get over it.”
He worked his jaw like he was trying not to scream. “We’re friends, and that’s all we’ll ever be. Unless you want to be my fuck buddy, then you’re going to have to settle for my friendship.” He stepped back, like he didn’t trust himself being so close to me. “Keep acting like a child if you want, but don’t expect me to stoop to your level. I offered you a job because I thought you were fit for the task. But the more I spend time with you, the more I realize how unprofessional you are. You clearly don’t know what it’s like to be an adult. You don’t always get your way. And when you don’t, that doesn’t give you the right to throw a tantrum.” He gave me a final glare before he walked around me. “I’m not putting up with your bullshit, Gray. Find someone else who will.”
***
The rest of the week was purely awkward.
I showed up to training every day because he would drag me out of bed if I didn’t. We said as few words as possible to each other. All he did was give me commands, and then we would spar. Rage wasn’t in his eyes anymore, but he didn’t give me that fond look like he used to.
I was still pissed over everything that happened. He claimed we were just friends, and that was true. But I didn’t sleep with any of my guy friends. I didn’t cuddle into their side and see their face first thing in the morning. I didn’t make out with them in front of the fireplace, at a bar, or in my bed.
He said he wasn’t looking for a relationship and that was never ambiguous. But it didn’t seem like that applied to me. We did have a relationship—just without the sex. Could he really blame me for feeling this way? I knew he felt the way I did—even if he was in denial about it.
The week dragged on slowly, and when we weren’t training, we weren’t speaking. He stayed in his room, and I stayed in mine. Neither one of us ate at the dinner table. I’m sure Judy was lonely without any company. She pretty much had the house to herself.
By the seventh day, I started to reconsider everything that happened. Despite the way I felt, I knew I did some things I shouldn’t have. When it came to him, I was blind. I couldn’t see straight, and my emotions guided me forward.
It was almost ten in the evening when I knocked on his door. I knew he would still be awake because he usually didn’t fall asleep until midnight. His voice sounded through the door. “Come in.” His tone was clipped, and he didn’t sound as polite as he did when he spoke to Judy.
He knew it was me.
I stepped inside and saw him sitting on the couch. His back was to me, and he faced the window. He was probably reading, what he usually did in the evenings before bed. I knew his habits because I shared his bed with him for the past few weeks.
“What do you need?” he asked without turning around.
I walked around his bed and past the fireplace until I reached the couch.
He didn’t look up at me, his eyes locked on his iPad.
“Do you have a minute?”
“I guess,” he said with an irritated sigh. He put down the iPad then looked at me, resentment still in his eyes.
I eyed the couch before I sat down. There were a few feet of space between us, and I didn’t get any closer to him than necessary.
Wilder watched me and remained still as a statue.
“I want to apologize…” I didn’t apologize for things very often, only when I meant them.
He didn’t blink.
“I shouldn’t have looked at your phone. That was wrong. But I want you to know that the phone lit up with a text message. I read it, but I didn’t actually touch your phone…if that makes any difference.”
His look was as hard as stone.
“But I shouldn’t have read it to begin with, and even though I did read it, I shouldn’t have gotten upset with you. You’re right. You don’t owe me anything. You made it clear what I meant to you from the beginning. I’m not sure why I feel this way. I’ve never been like this my entire life, honestly.”
The indifference dimmed in his eyes, and the man I knew so well started to come back.
“You know how I feel about you…” I didn’t want to get into it and confess every feeling in my heart. I wasn’t as pathetic as that. But I didn’t want to sugarcoat my feelings either. “I’ve grown more attached to you in the last few weeks and…I feel something. And I swear, you feel it too. I know I’m not crazy.”
His eyes softened.
“Anyway… I’m sorry for my behavior. It won’t happen again. I need to accept the fact that nothing will ever happen between us, besides friendship.” I wish I wasn’t so hung up on him. And I wish I had more pride than to openly admit it like that.
Wilder cleared his throat before he spoke. “I do feel something for you, Gray. That much is obvious, even to me.”
My heart skipped a beat.
“I don’t even have sleepovers with women I’m actually sleeping with. I don’t spend all my time with one person—besides Judy. I don’t cuddle. That’s not me. But I do those things with you…because you do mean something to me.”
I wanted him to keep going. I wanted this to be the start of something more.
“But…that’s the extent of my feelings, Gray. When I told you my heart didn’t work anymore, I meant it. I’m incapable of a relationship. I’m incapable of love. I’ll never change my mind about that.”
“But why?”
“I told you why,” he said quietly. “It’s not in the cards for me.”
“But it would be different with us. I know it would be.”
“No, it won’t,” he whispered. “You would never be happy with me because I would never treat you right. You would settle for the ghost of a man, not the full person. I couldn’t give you the life that you want. Don’t waste your time with me.”
“I don’t want to feel this way, Wilder. Honestly.”
“I know,” he said gently. “Why don’t we have whatever we can have, even if it isn’t the real deal?”
My eyes were glued to his.
“We can sleep together and enjoy each other. We can have that as much as we want. When we’re both done, we walk away. You’ll fulfill your appetite and move on to the next guy.”
I would never want to move on to the next guy. If I had Wilder, I would only want more. “That would be fine if I didn’t care about you. But I do.”
He nodded in understanding. “I think I should apologize too. I shouldn’t have been sleeping with you. I shouldn’t have kissed you. I shouldn’t have called you sweetheart.”
But I loved all those things.
“I was weak and allowed that to happen. I should have kept my distance and never crossed that line. I can’t let you take all the fault for this. When I’m with you…I don’t think.” He shook his head slightly. “That doesn’t make any sense, but that’s the best way I can describe it.”
“It makes perfect sense.”
His eyes moved to mine, glowing from the lights of the village.
“Maybe you should stop thinking altogether. Maybe you should stop questioning this and just let it be. A wise musical group once said that.”
“Let it be.” He felt the words on his tongue.
“Yeah.”
He finally broke our gaze. “But I can’t.”
“Wilder, why?”
“I already explained.”
“There’s more to it and we
both know it.”
He stared out the window, his lips pressed firmly together.
“Wilder, you tell me everything. You can tell me this too.”
His eyes drifted down to the table, looking distant and faraway.
“Why not?”
“It doesn’t matter, Gray.” He turned back to me, new resolution in his eyes. He’d made up his mind and he wasn’t going to change it. “You should go to bed. It’s late.” His scotch remained untouched on the table.
I didn’t want to sleep alone. But I didn’t want to sleep with him either. Picturing him with someone else made me sick to my stomach. He was never mine and made it clear he never would be, but that didn’t numb the pain. As much as I wanted to be with him, I knew that was impossible. Wilder was too closed off for any kind of penetration.
It was time to give up.
“Yeah…” I left the couch and headed to the door. “Good night, Wilder.” I paused at the door and waited for him to return the saying.
His eyes hadn’t left the window. His back was to me, and the hair on his head was messy from constantly running his fingers through it. When he did speak, it came out as a quiet whisper. “Good night, sweetheart.”
Chapter Fifteen
I woke up with a start.
“Gray, listen to me.” Wilder was hovering over me. His outline was blurry because I didn’t have enough time to focus.
“What?” I fumbled with the sheets. “What’s wrong?” I was just in a t-shirt, but I didn’t care about my vanity at the moment.
“I’m leaving. I wanted to say goodbye before I left.”
“Leaving?” I pulled the hair out of my face then wiped the sleep from my eyes. “Where are you going?”
“I got called in. Someone needs my help.”
I wanted him to help whoever asked for it, but I also didn’t want him to leave—without me. “Let me come with you.”
He sat at the edge of the bed and considered my offer.
“Come on. I’m ready.”
“This isn’t an extremely dangerous mission. And there isn’t time to coordinate with the other agents. We’re too far apart.”
Was that a yes? “I can come with you?”
“But just because it isn’t dangerous doesn’t mean it’s not important.”
“I want to help. Please.”
“Okay.” He left the bed. “I don’t have time to explain right now. Get dressed and pack your gear. The helicopter will be here in five minutes.” He stormed out of the room and left the door open.
***
I was nervous.
Excited.
And as much as I hated to admit it, a little scared.
My bag was over my shoulder, and my gun was in the holster at my side. My blade was secured in my boot, and my smaller pistol was tucked on the inside of my jacket.
The helicopter had already landed by the time I made it outside. Wilder was waiting for me in the snow, his expression unreadable. His hair blew in the wind from the choppers, and the sound of the motor filled the compound.
I jogged across the snow until I reached his side. My hair danced in the wind, and I pulled it out of my face so I could see.
“Are you sure you want to do this? When we get on that chopper, there’s no turning back.”
There was no hesitance in my voice. “Yes.” This is what I wanted. I wasn’t afraid of anything, even dying. If someone needed help, I would be there.
He searched my gaze for confidence, and when he found it, he opened the door and waited for me to get inside.
I climbed up then tossed my bag in the bin. After I sat down, I put my helmet on and strapped myself in.
Wilder sat beside me and did the same thing. “We’re ready for takeoff.”
The pilot gave us a thumbs-up before he ascended into the air. The powder was blown into the wind as we rose above the house. Everything became more distant as we moved further into the sky. The sun was about to peek over the mountains, so it was still dark in the valley. Everything felt real in that moment. I was really doing this. Just months ago, I was a college student unsure of what to do with my life. But now, I was on an adventure with an unknown destiny.
Wilder watched my expression through the glass shield of my helmet. Then his hand inched to mine. Our fingers touched then interlocked together in a tight embrace. He kept his eyes to mine, comfort shining bright.
***
The helicopter landed directly on the strip at the airport, and we quickly jumped out before boarding a small plane. It was tiny in comparison to a commercial jetliner, and only ten people could fit on board.
Wilder immediately sat in the cockpit and started flipping switches, talking to air traffic control on the intercom. Nonchalantly, he slipped his restraints over his shoulders and kept working.
I took the seat beside him and stared at all the gadgets. There were two steering wheels, one on each side of the cabin. Wilder kept talking through the intercom then ceased communication. He turned to me, excitement in his eyes. “I’m teaching you to fly.”
“Right now?” I blurted.
“We’re going to be in the air anyway so you may as well learn something.”
I had a few tricks up my sleeve, and I was a quick learner, but learning to fly a plane was never on my agenda.
Wilder slowly taxied to the runway and lined himself up. After the lights changed on the pavement, he hit a few switches and the plane took off at full speed down the runway. We accelerated from zero to fifty miles an hour in a second—literally. Then the wings of the plane started to get pull from the air, and we were lifted into the sky. It was loud in the cabin, something I didn’t expect.
Wilder concentrated and had a hint of a smile on his face.
Boys with their toys.
We got past the cloud bank then leveled off. After that, the ride was smooth.
He put the plane on autopilot then turned to me. “Ready?”
“For…?”
“Your flight lesson.”
“How about you tell me about our mission first?”
“Or why don’t we do both?”
I gave him a blank look. “Because I’m not a genius.”
“Yes, you are,” he said with a straight face. “You went to Harvard, didn’t you?”
My eyes narrowed. “How did you know that?” I never told a soul that piece of information. It was embarrassing, to say the least.
He shrugged then stared out the large windows at the front of the plane. “It’s important that you learn to operate anything that moves. You never know when you might need that training.”
“I agree. But let’s go over our mission first. Where are we going?”
“Greece.”
“Greece?” Why were we going there?
“Yeah.” He grabbed his pack from behind the chair then pulled out a folder. “Here are the details.”
I opened it and examined the photo. “Why don’t you do everything digitally? Who uses folders anymore?”
“Folders can be destroyed. Anything that has a digital footprint cannot.” He examined the radar then the altitude.
I read through the file. “Mark Robinson is a nuclear physicist, and he’s working on a classified project for the department of defense. Is he working on something illegal and we need to stop him?”
“No. Keep reading.”
I scanned through the missive. “His son was abducted?”
Wilder nodded. “A terrorist group in Iran called ArKane needed a weapon for their own purposes. When they demanded Mark hand over the apparatus he was working on for the government, he refused. But now, they’ve taken his son in retaliation. Unless Mark hands over the weapon, they’ll kill his son.”
My fingers felt numb. “That’s terrible.”
“Mark won’t do it. So the government called me and asked if I could grab the child before they disappeared. I think they’re afraid Mark might give in once they sta
rt torturing the kid.”
“How old is he?”
“Ten.”
I cringed in sickness.
Wilder gave me a sympathetic look. “We’ll get him back.”
“Yes. We will.” And I intended to kill a few assholes along the way. “What’s this weapon they are after?”
“Classified information. But between you and me, I think it’s a pulse diamond.”
Was I supposed to know what that meant? “A pulse diamond?”
“It’s a machine that can emit undetectable frequencies in the air that are particularly sensitive to the heart. These waves force the heart to speed up. After a few minutes of exposure, the heart rate increases to a breaking point and causes the recipient to have a heart attack and die.”
I’d never heard of anything like that.
“The terrifying part is, it’s remotely triggered. And it’s small. Someone can place it inside a building or in a neighborhood and affect hundreds or thousands of people. And the assailant doesn’t even need to be in the room.”
“Oh my god…”
“That’s why ArKane is after it. It’s a great biological weapon that doesn’t require any casualties to implement. I prefer to think of it as a coward’s weapon.”
“Now I understand why Mark didn’t give it up right away.”
“He understands what’s at stake if he does. But he’s a father…” His voice trailed off without explaining any further.
“Why are we headed to Greece? Shouldn’t we be headed to Iran?”
“Terrorists always pass through Greece. It’s considered a relatively safe country, but a lot of illegal stuff goes on there. I have contacts inside that say it’s one of the first places they go after an operation. Why go to Iran if that’s where we know you’re going?”
I nodded in understanding. “You know exactly where to go?”
“I have a good idea,” he said. “They took the kid about six hours ago, so we should both enter Greece at the same time. We’ll be hot on their tail. And if not, we’ll pick up their scent.”
Adrenaline kicked in, and my heart was pounding. Blood rang in my ears because it smashed against my veins with such force. “We’ll get him back.” There was no way I was going to let that kid slip through my fingers. He would return home, where he belonged.