by John Updike
He touches his own lips with a finger and promises, “Just one spoonful,” while going for another.
The child calls for help: “Grandma!”
“He’s just teasing,” Janice says, but asks him, “Would you like your own dish?”
This gets him up from the table. “I shouldn’t have ice cream, that’s the worst thing for me,” he tells her, and scolds, seeing the jumble of plates she has stacked in the dishwasher, “My God, you have no system - look at all the space you’re wasting!”
“You stack it, then,” she says, a modern woman, and while he does, fitting the dishes closer together, in harrowlike rows, she gathers together her papers and book and purse from the diningroom table. “Damn,” she says, and comes to the kitchen to tell Harry, “All my planning this morning what to wear and I forget to bring a raincoat.” The rain has settled in outside, sheathing the house in a loud murmur.
“Maybe Pru could lend you one.”
“It would fall off me,” she says. But she goes upstairs to where Pru is putting Roy to bed and after a conversation Harry can’t hear comes down in a cherry-red waterproof plastic coat, with wide lapels and a belt too long and gleaming zigzags under the light. “Do I look ridiculous?”
“Not exactly,” he tells her. It excites him, this transposition: you follow the zigzagging creases up expecting to see red-haired Pru staring back and instead it’s Janice’s middle-aged face, framed in a splashy bandanna not hers either.
“Also, damn, I’m so mad at myself, I left my lucky pen on the upstairs table back home. And there’s no time to drive back for it, in all this rain.”
“Maybe you’re taking all this too seriously,” he says. “What’re you trying to prove to the teacher?”
“I’m trying to prove something to myself,” she says. “Tell Pru I’ve left and that I’ll be back at ten-thirty, maybe eleven if we decide to go out for beers afterward. You go to bed and rest. You look tired, honey.” She gives him in parting a pointed little fingering kiss, grateful for something. Glad to go. All these other male advisers she suddenly has - Charlie, Mr. Lister, the new accountant - seem an invasion as devious as that televised catheter nudging forward into his shadowy webbed heart.
The murmur around the house sounds louder after Janice’s footsteps on the porch and the sound of the Camry starting up. She has a panicky way of racing the engine before she puts a car in gear, and usually jumps off like a drag-racer. Janice is wrapped in Pru’s cherry raincoat, and he is the man of Pru’s house.
On the set in the living room, he and Judy watch the end of ABC news on Channel 6 (that Peter Jennings: here he is telling Americans all about America and he still says “aboot” for “about,” he’s so Canadian) and then, with Judy punching the remote control, they skip back and forth between jeopardy! and Simon and Simon and the seven-o’clock syndicated reruns of Cosby and Cheers. Pru drifts downstairs, having put Roy down, and into the kitchen to tidy up totally after Janice’s half-ass job and then through the dining room checking that all the windows are shut against the rain and into the sun room where she picks a few dead leaves off the plants on Ma Springer’s old iron table there. Finally she comes into the living room and sits on the old sofa beside him, while Judy in the Barcalounger channel-surfs. On the Cosby Show rerun, the Huxtables are having one of those child-rearing crises bound to dissolve like a lump of sugar in their warm good humor, their mutual lovingness: Vanessa and her friends get all excited about entering a local dance contest, with lip synching, and get instruction from an old black nightclub pianist and when the time comes to demonstrate for their parents in their living room they bump and grind with a sexuality so startling and premature that Mrs. Huxtable, Claire, in real life the terrific Phylicia Rashad, married to the frog-eyed black sports commentator, restores decency, stopping the record and sending the girls back upstairs, yet with that smile of hers, that wide white slightly lippy black woman’s smile, implying that indecency is all right, in its place, its wise time, as in one of those mutually ogling Huxtable snuggles that end many a Cosby Show. Beside him on the sofa Pru is staring at the screen with a jewel, a tear glittering in a comer of the eye toward him. From the Barcalounger Judy snaps the channel to a shot of tropical sky and a huge mottled turtle turning its head slowly while a Godlike voiceover intones, ” … determined to defend its breeding grounds.”
“Goddamn it, Judy, put it back to the Cosbys right now,” Harry says, furious less for himself than for Pru, to whom the show seemed to be a vision of lost possibilities.
Judy, startled just like the girls on the show, does put it back, but by now it’s a commercial, and she cries, as the insult sinks in, “I want Daddy back! Everybody else is mean to me!”
She starts to cry, Pru rises to comfort her, Rabbit retreats in disgrace. He circles the house, listening to the rain, marvelling that he once lived here, remembering the dead and the dead versions of the living who lived here with him, finding a half-full jar of dry-roasted cashews on a high kitchen shelf and, on the kitchen television set, a cable rerun of last night’s playoff game between the Knicks and the Bulls. He hates the way Michael Jordan’s pink tongue rolls around in his mouth as he goes up for a dunk. He has seen Jordan interviewed, he’s an intelligent guy, why does he swing his tongue around like an imbecile? The few white players there are on the floor look pathetically naked, their pasty sweat, their fuzzy armpit hair; it seems incredible to Harry that he himself was ever out there in this naked game, though in those days the shorts were a little longer and the tank-top armholes not quite so big. He has finished off the jar of cashews without noticing and suddenly the basketball-Jordan changing direction in midair not once but twice and sinking an awkward fall-back jumper with Ewing’s giant hand square in his face -pains him with its rubbery activity, an extreme of bodily motion his nerves but not his muscles can remember. He needs a Nitrostat from the little bottle in the coat jacket in that shallow closet upstairs. The hauntedness of the downstairs is getting to him. He turns off the kitchen light and holds his breath passing Ma Springer’s old breakfront in the darkened dining room, where the wallpaper crawls with the streetlight projections of rain running down the windows.
In the upstairs hall, he hears from Ma’s old room, now Judy’s, the murmur of a television set, and dares tap the door and push in. The little girl has been put into a sleeveless nightie and, holding her stuffed dolphin, sits propped up on two pillows while her mother sits on the bed beside her. The TV set flickering at the foot of the bed picks out pale patches - the whites of Judy’s eyes, her bare shoulders, the dolphin’s belly, Pru’s long forearms laid across the child’s flat chest. He clears his throat and says, “Hey, Judy sorry if I got a bit mean down there.”
With a hushing impatient hand motion she indicates that her grandfather is forgiven and ought to come in and watch with them. In the blue unsteady light, he picks out a child’s straight chair and brings it close to the bed and lowers himself to it; he virtually squats. Raindrops glint on the panes in the light from Joseph Street. He looks at Pru’s profile for the glint of a tear but her face is composed. Her nose comes to a sharp point, her lips are clamped together. They are watching Unsolved Mysteries: pale, overweight American faces float into the camera’s range, earnestly telling of UFOs seen over sugar-beet fields, above shopping malls, in Navajo reservations, while their homely rooms and furniture, exposed to the glaring lights the cameras require, have the detailed hard weirdness of diatoms seen under a microscope. Harry is struck by how well, really, these small-town sheriffs and trailercamp housewives, and even the drifters and dropouts who just happened to be tripping out on a deserted picnic grounds when the geniuses commanding the UFOs decided to land and sample the terrestrial fauna, speak - a nation of performers, of smoothly talking heads, has sprung up under the lights, everybody rehearsed for their thirty seconds of nationwide attention. During the commercials, Judy skips to other channels, to Jacques Cousteau in a diving suit, to Porky Pig in his big-buttoned blue vest (odd,
those old cartoon animals all going around with bare bottoms), to a stringy-haired rock singer mouthing his mike in a lathered-up agony like a female porn star approaching a blow job, to a courtroom scene where the judge’s shifty eyes in a second show that he is in on a deal, a hummingbird beating its surprisingly flexible wings in slow motion, Angela Lansbury looking shocked, Greer Garson looking gently out of focus in black and white, and back to Unsolved Mysteries, now about an infant who disappeared from a New York hospital, making Robert Stack, in his mystical raincoat, extra quizzical. Having been rude before, Rabbit holds his tongue. He feels fragile. The flickering images bear down upon him, relentless as heartbeats. With the mystery of the vanished baby still unsolved, he rises and kisses Judy goodnight, his face gliding past the bigger one next to hers. “Love you, Grandpa,” the child mechanically says, forgiving or forgetful.
“Lights are off downstairs,” he mutters to Pru.
“I need to go down anyway,” she says, softly, both of them fearful of breaking the spell that exists between the child and the television set.
Her face, as his face glided past it on the way to kiss another, exuded an aura, shampooey-powdery, just as the trees outside the house are yielding to the rain a leafy fresh tree-smell.
This green wet fragrance is present in his room too, the old sewing room, where the headless dress dummy stands. He changes into the clean pajamas Janice uncharacteristically had the foresight to bring. A blooming cottony weariness has overtaken him, enveloping him like the rain. In the narrow room its sound is more distinct than elsewhere, and complicated, a conversation involving the porch roof, the house gutter, the echoing downspout, the yielding leaves of the maples, the swish of a passing car. Closest to him, periodic spurts of dripping between the storm window and the wooden sash suggest some leakage into the walls and an eventual trouble of rot. Not his problem. Fewer and fewer things are.
The window is open a little for air and stray droplets prick the skin of his hands as he stands a moment looking out. Mt. Judge doesn’t change much, at least here in the older section, but has dropped away beneath his life as if beneath a rising airplane. His life flowed along this shining asphalt, past these tilted lawns and brick-pillared porches, and left no trace. The town never knew him, the way he had imagined as a child it did, every pebble and milkbox and tulip bed eyelessly watching him pass; each house had been turned inward, into itself. A blurred lit window across the street displays an empty easy chair, a set of brassheaded fireplace tools, a brick mantel supporting a pair of oblivious candlesticks.
Rabbit hurries in bare feet down the hall to the bathroom and back and into bed, before it is nine o’clock. At the hospital by now the last visitors would be long gone, the flurry of bathroom-going and pill-taking that followed their departure subsided, the lights and nurses’ voices in the hall turned down. There is no reading lamp in his room, just a paper-shaded overhead he resists switching on. He noticed a stack of old Consumer’s Digests in the closet but figures the products they evaluated will all be off the market by now. The history book Janice gave him, that he can’t get through although he is more than halfway, is back in the Penn Park den. Nor is the streetlight enough to read by. It projects rhomboidal ghosts of the windowpanes, alive with a spasmodic motion as raindrops tremblingly gather and then break downward in sudden streaks. Like the origins of life in one of those educational television shows he watches: molecules collecting and collecting at random and then twitched into life by lightning. Behind his head, past the old brown headboard with its jigsaw scrolls and mushroom-topped posts, his dead mother-in-law’s sewing machine waits for her little swollen foot to press its treadle into life, and her short plump fingers to poke a wetted thread through its rusted needle. About as likely that to happen as life just rising up out of molecules. A smothered concussion, distant thunder, sounds in the direction of Brewer, and the treetops stir. Harry’s head is up on two pillows so the full feeling in his chest is eased. His heart is giving him no pain, just floats wounded on the sea of ebbing time. Time passes, he doesn’t know how much, before the door handle turns and clicks and a slant rod of hall light stabs into the amniotic isolation of the little borrowed room.
Pru’s head, with coppery highlights on the top of her hair, pokes in. “You awake?” she asks in almost a whisper. Her voice seems roughened and her face is a milky heart-shaped shadow.
“Yep,” Rabbit says. “Just lying here listening to the rain. You get Judy settled?”
“Finally,” the young woman says, and with the exasperated emphasis enters the room wholly, standing erect. She is wearing that shorty bathrobe of hers, her legs cased in a white shadow descending to her ankles. “She’s very upset about Nelson, naturally.”
“Naturally. Sorry I blew up at her,” he says. “The last thing the poor kid needs.” He pushes up on his elbows, feeling himself somehow host, his heart thundering at the strangeness, though after his days in the hospital he should be used to people seeing him in bed.
“I don’t know,” Pru says. “Maybe it was just what she needed. A little structure. She thinks she has a right to all the TV sets in the world. Mind if I smoke?”
“Not at all.”
“I mean, I see the window’s a little bit open, but if it -“
“It doesn’t,” he says. “I like it. Other people’s smoke. Almost as good as your own. After thirty years, I still miss it. How come you haven’t given it up, with all this health kick?”
“I had,” Pru says. Her face in the blue-green flare of her Bic lighter - a little tube as of lipstick - looks flinty, determined, a face stripped to essentials, with a long shadow leaping across her cheek from her nose. The flame goes out. She loudly exhales. Her voice continues in the renewed shadows. “Except for maybe one or two at night to keep myself from eating. But now, this thing with Nelson - why not? What does anything matter?” Her hovering face shows one profile, then the other. “There’s no place to sit in here. This is an awful room.”
He smells not only her cigarette smoke but her femininity, the faint department-store sweetness that clings to women, in the lotions they use, the shampoo. “It’s cozy,” he says, and moves his legs so she can sit on the bed.
“I bet you were asleep,” Pru says. “I’ll only stay for this cigarette. I just need a little adult company.” She inhales like a man, deep, so the smoke comes out thin in a double jet from her mouth and nostrils, and keeps coming for several breaths. “I hope putting the kids down with Nelson gone isn’t such a nightmare every night. They need so much reassurance.”
“I thought he wasn’t here a lot of nights.”
“This time of night he usually was. The action over at the LaidBack doesn’t begin until around ten. He’d come home from work, eat, be with the kids, and then get restless. I honestly think most nights he didn’t plan to go out for a couple hits again, it just came over him and he couldn’t help himself.” She takes another drag. He hears her intake, like a sigh with several levels, and remembers how it was, to smoke. It was creating out of air an extension of yourself. “With the kids, he was helpful. However much of a shit he was to everybody else, he wasn’t a bad father. Isn’t. I shouldn’t talk about him as if he’s dead.”
He asks her, “What time is it, anyway?”
“Quarter after nine or so.”
Janice would get back at ten-thirty at the earliest. There was plenty of time to see this through. He relaxes back into his pillows. Good he had that nap this afternoon. “Is that how you see it?” he asks. “He was a shit to you?”
“Absolutely. Terrible. Out all night doing God knows what, then this snivelling and begging for forgiveness afterwards. I hated that worse than the chasing; my father was a boozer and a chaser, but then he wouldn’t whine to Mom about it, he’d at least let her do the whining. This immature dependence of Nelson’s was totally outside my experience.”
Her cigarette tip glows. A distant concussion of thunder steps closer. Pru’s presence here feels hot in Harry’s mind, she
is awkwardly big and all sharp angles in the sac of his consciousness. Her talk seems angular and tough, the gritty Akron toughness overlaid with a dismissive vocabulary learned from professional copers. He doesn’t like hearing his son called immature. “You knew him for some time out at Kent,” he points out, almost hostilely. “You knew what you were taking on.”
“Harry, I didn’t,” she says, and the cigarette tip loops through an agitated arc. “I thought he’d grow, I never dreamed how enmeshed he was, with you two. He’s still trying to work out what you two did to him, as if you were the only parents in the world who didn’t keep wiping their kid’s ass until he was thirty. I tell him: Get real, Nelson. Lousy parents are par for the course. My God. Nothing’s ideal. Then he gets sore and tells me what a cold fish I am. He means sex. A thing that goes fast with coke is shame; these women that are hooked will do anything. I say to him, You’re not going to give me AIDS from one of your coke whores. So he goes out again. It’s a vicious circle. It’s been going on for years.”
“How many years, would you say?”
When she shrugs her shoulders, Ma’s old bed shakes. “More than you’d think. That crowd around Slim was always doing pot and uppers - gays don’t give a damn, they have all this money only for themselves. Maybe two years ago Nelson became a big enough user on his own to need to steal. At first he just stole from us, money that should have gone into the house and stuff, and then he started stealing from you - the company. I hope you send him to jail, I really do.” She has been cupping her hand beneath the cigarette, to catch the ash, and now she looks around for an ashtray and sees none and finally flips the butt toward the window, where it sparks against the screen and sizzles out on the wet sill. Her voice is hoarsening and finding a certain swing, a welling up. “I have no use for him any more. I’m scared to fuck him, I’m scared to be legally associated with him. I’ve wasted my life. You don’t know what it’s like. You’re a man, you’re free, you can do what you want in life, until you’re sixty at least you’re a buyer. A woman’s a seller. She has to be. And she better not haggle too long. I’m thirty-three. I’ve had my shot, Harry. I wasted it on Nelson. I had my little hand of cards and played them and now I’m folded, I’m through. My husband hates me and I hate him and we don’t even have any money to split up! I’m scared - so scared. And my kids are scared, too. I’m trash and they’re trash and they know it.”