“That one goes to a creepy dungeon,” Jax explained. “That one leads out into the forest through a hidden cave. That one goes right under the kitchens.”
“Have you been down here for hours just mapping it?”
Jax ignored my question. “Let me show you my favorite one.” He took my hand and pulled me through the tunnel that led due west. We rounded a corner, and all at once, the dark passageway was flooded with moonlight.
“What…?” I said, before I realized where we were. The brick corridor led to an opening in the wall, which led to a natural rocky platform, outside the tunnels, into the fresh air. I stepped onto it carefully, even though the platform was wide and smooth, its edge a good fifteen feet away. We were outside the Nest, I realized, outside and below it, the platform a ledge jutting off of the cliff face. It hung like an outstretched tongue over a sheer, massive drop, but I didn’t care because I was transfixed by what lay beyond it. From this ledge, without the castle blocking me, I had an incredible view of the Frostkiss Mountains, their craggy white peaks looming above, seeming close enough to touch. I could see the trees dotting their porous surfaces, and even make out a few distant fuzzy shapes that I thought were mountain goats. But even better than all that was the sky overhead, maybe the single most beautiful night sky I’d ever seen. There wasn’t a cloud in sight. The moon was a perfect crescent sliver, and I swear I could see every single star shining above. “Wow,” I sighed.
“Tillandra!” Lyriana called out from nearby. I spun around to see her and Miles sprawled out on the platform by the tunnel’s exit, with Zell standing on the edge, looking out. I’d gotten so used to seeing us scruffy and worn-out that my eyes had trouble with how clean and well-dressed everyone looked. Miles was back in a Heartlander tunic, the kind he always wore, and for once it looked like it fit him. Zell was wearing a formal tunic like Jax’s, but for some reason he had the highest three buttons undone, showing off the top of his chest, the curve of his collarbone. And Lyriana looked like a Princess again, in a blue-and-ivory gown that fit as if it had been custom-tailored for her.
“Looks like I’m late to the party.” I walked over to the others and sat down next to them. I’d expected Zell and Miles, but I was comforted by the sight of Lyriana. A part of me had worried that, back in the trappings of a Heartlander castle, we’d lose her—that those old walls between the royals and the bastards would spring back up. But I had no reason to worry. She was one of us. Now and forever.
“Oh, the party’s just getting started.” Jax grinned, opened his knapsack, and pulled out a few bottles of red wine. “Look what I stole from the cellars!”
“Oh yes, please,” I said. I hadn’t had any wine since…what, the feast at Castle Waverly? A million years ago?
“Not that I wouldn’t like some wine, but is this really the best time?” Miles asked. “I mean, I don’t want to be a downer, but Lord Kent’s army could be just a day away. Maybe we should stay alert, be ready for action, that sort of thing.”
Jax groaned, and I shot him a scowl. “Look, Miles,” I said, “I’m never going to claim you’re some kind of coward, not after that amazing stunt you pulled back in Bridgetown. But there’s nothing we can do now. It’s out of our hands. In two days, everything changes. In two days, we live with what we’ve done. In two days, we become…whoever it is we become.” I craned my head up to the night sky. A warm breeze blew over us, gently ruffling my hair. Was I talking to him? Or to myself? “We have had the hardest, roughest month of our lives. And we’ve managed to overcome it. I don’t know what will happen next, but I do know that tonight might be the only chance we have to just relax and be ourselves. I don’t want to think about my father tonight. I don’t want to worry about what’s going to happen. I don’t want to think about the West or Lightspire or the war. I just want to have fun with my friends.”
Miles said nothing for a moment, and I could see the gears turning in his head. Then he took the bottle from Jax’s hand, pulled out the cork, and took a swig. “What the hell,” he said, beaming, his teeth already purple.
“Yeah!” Jax slapped his palms together and uncorked another bottle. “Oh! We should play a game! Drinking Truths? Anyone up for Drinking Truths?”
“I’m in.” I scooted to make a circle with the others.
“Dare I even ask what Drinking Truths is?” Lyriana asked.
“It’s really simple,” I explained. “We sit in a circle. One person asks a question. Then we all have to answer totally honestly, or take a drink.”
“But I do not drink alcohol.”
“Then you’re going to be sharing a lot of truths!” Jax grinned.
Zell walked over and took a seat between me and Jax. He was still acting like nothing had happened between us. Maybe that was for the best. “What if I would like to both share a truth and also have a drink?”
Jax threw his arm around Zell’s shoulders. “I love this guy. Have I ever said how much I love this guy?”
There were many truths I wanted Zell to answer. I wanted to know what had happened in his past to make him so guarded. I wanted to know why he’d come all this way, if he was just planning on abandoning us. I wanted to know what he really felt about me.
But looking around at everyone’s faces, I knew tonight wasn’t about that. This was, just maybe, our last time together as a group, or at the very least, as this specific group. That bond that we’d had by the cottage, as we’d held each other and buried that family, would soon change, become something else, maybe even fade away. Tonight was our chance to celebrate this group. To be the Bastard Table one last time.
“Okay! I’ll start us off!” Lyriana said. “What is everyone’s favorite food?”
Jax blinked. “That’s not really…I mean, usually the questions are a little more…” He sighed deeply. “Peaches. I really love peaches.”
The thing about Drinking Truths is that, even though you’re only supposed to drink when you’re skipping a question, everyone just sort of drinks the whole time anyway. So by the time we’d gone a full round, learning that Jax had once made out with a thirty-year-old minstrel and that Miles had never been skinny-dipping, I was already feeling a little bit drunk, that soft, gentle wine-warmth glowing through me.
“Okay.” Jax took the bottle out of my hands. “We’ve had our little warm-up round. But it’s time for this game to get interesting.”
“Uh-oh,” Miles murmured.
“My question is…how many people have you slept with?”
I fought back a giggle. “How many people have you slept with? Or can you not remember?”
“I can remember just fine, I’ll have you know,” Jax said, but took an obvious minute to count. “Nine. No, ten. Ten. Eleven.”
“Eleven?” Lyriana gasped. “Eleven whole people?”
“Well, I’d hope there were no partial people involved,” Miles said, and Zell laughed.
“Well, you know, I mean, eleven’s not that many,” Jax said, oddly bashful. “I know guys who have slept with way more. Eleven’s just, you know, a regular number.” He handed the bottle to Zell. “How about you? How many beautiful Zitochi girls have you bedded on a cavebear pelt?”
“One,” Zell said.
“That’s it? No details? No story?” Jax playfully pushed Zell’s shoulder. “Come on, man, give us the goods!”
“The question was how many. I’ve answered that,” Zell replied, but he sounded amused, not annoyed. He passed me the bottle, making eye contact for just a second before looking away. “Your turn.”
“My turn,” I said, and then, unexpectedly, froze up. The answer was zero; I was a virgin, and Jax, at least, knew that. It wasn’t a big deal or anything, and it’s not like there was some special reason. I just hadn’t met the right guy. But, for some reason, I suddenly felt self-conscious about it. Why? Because of Zell?
I didn’t know, and I didn’t want to go into it, so I just tipped the bottle to my lips and took a big swig. “A lady’s got her secrets,” I said, and
passed it to Miles. “How about you? What’s your number?”
Miles glanced down at the bottle. “One.”
That surprised me, and then I felt bad for being surprised. Jax obviously didn’t. “For real, Boy Genius? Tell me more!”
Miles shrugged. “Her name was Alaine. Daughter of one of the scholars in Port Hammil’s university. I’d spend a lot of time in the library there, where the two of us ended up talking. One thing led to another, and we were, well, together, for about six months.”
“What happened?” I asked.
Miles shrugged and looked right at me, his gray eyes so big and earnest I had to look away. “She wasn’t the one,” he said. “Not for me.”
Jax thankfully broke up the awkwardness. “Hey! We’re talking about sex, not depressing breakups! Pass the bottle to the Princess and let her answer the question!”
Lyriana took the bottle, more symbolically than anything else. “The answer is zero, of course. I’ve never even kissed a boy.”
We all turned to stare at her, even Zell. “Wait, really?” I asked.
“Well, yes,” Lyriana said, as if this was totally normal. “The nobility of Lightspire prizes purity, and chastity is a part of that. As the Princess, it is doubly important for me to maintain that purity, to remain untouched and unsullied.”
“Come on,” Jax said. “You’re bullshitting us. You’ve never hooked up with anyone? Not even Lord Galen Hotpants?”
Lyriana’s eyebrow arched so hard it looked like it might pop off her head. “Of course not. House Reza is of far too low a station to marry with the Volaris. Besides…I believe Lord Reza prefers the company of men.”
“Really?” Miles asked. “That guy? Huh.”
“Can we go back to this whole no-kissing thing?” I asked Lyriana. “Is that, like, forever? You never get to be with a guy?”
“No, of course not,” she said. “It is simply a vow until marriage. Once I am wed, I may give myself to my husband in every way.”
I was still having a hard time wrapping my mind around this. Everyone knew they were more conservative out there in Lightspire, but I had no idea it went so far. “Aren’t you worried?” I asked. “What if your husband is a terrible kisser? What if you guys don’t match in the bedroom? What if it turns out you like girls? How would you know?”
Lyriana shot me a polite smile, the kind I’m sure she flashed in the court. “I’m reasonably confident I like men, Tillandra,” she said. “And I know our customs might seem conservative or strange to you. But you have to understand, they hold real meaning to me. It’s not just about my vows, or about securing the best possible suitor. It’s…it’s something I just believe in. For myself.”
“How?”
“Think of it this way.” She sighed. “When you get married, and you kiss your husband on your wedding day, it’ll be just another kiss for you. It will probably be the thousandth time you’ve kissed him. The only thing different, the only thing special, is the day that you’re doing it on.” She looked away, and I could tell this was something she’d thought about a lot. “But for me, it’ll be different. When I kiss my husband for the first time, it’ll be the culmination of years and years of yearning. It’ll be a moment I have dreamed about and wanted so badly for my whole life, something I have craved but never experienced, not until then, not until him. And he’ll know it and I’ll know it, and we’ll share that knowledge, and it will make that moment between us so much more special and meaningful. It’ll be the greatest gift we can offer each other.” She gave a guilty smile. “I’m human, just like you. I want to be kissed, to be touched, to be held. But that’s why I keep my vow of purity. For that moment.”
I had no way to respond to that. “This guy you’ll get married to,” Jax said. “He’ll probably be some hoity-toity Lightspire noble, right? Not someone you choose on your own?”
“Almost certainly,” Lyriana said. Was that a hint of sadness in her voice? “In Lightspire, marriage is a matter of politics and power, not love.”
“Have you ever been in love?” I asked.
Lyriana turned to me, and now she had no reply. She sat there for a moment, deliberating what to say, and then, with the most adorably naughty smile, put the bottle to her lips and took a sip.
“Ohhhhhhh!” Jax yelled, and I couldn’t help but clap. “This is totally happening! We’re getting the Princess drunk!”
“You most certainly are not,” Lyriana said, but she was smiling. “Tell anyone of this, anyone at all, and I swear I will take back every nice thing I promised you.”
The game went on, and it was great. Lyriana told us about her childhood crush on her father’s Captain of the Guard, Miles rambled on about his first kiss with Alaine, and Zell talked about how guys in his Clan often wrestled in the nude (which, okay, come on). Soon enough, we’d forgotten the game entirely and were just drinking and talking and trying to make each other crack up. We polished off most of the bottles and took turns singing: I belted out “Lady Doxley’s Garland,” Lyriana beautifully serenaded us with “The Cant of the Titans,” and we all danced around while Zell sang this rousing Zitochi drinking song. When he was done, Lyriana threw her arms around me and Jax, and her cheeks were warm and flushed. “You’re my best friends.” She giggled, totally tipsy. “My very, very best friends.”
As fun as it was, the night eventually wound down. Miles was the first casualty, puking off the cliff face before stumbling back to his room. Lyriana excused herself, leaving for the bathroom and never coming back, and Zell simply vanished at some point. In the end, Jax and I sat alone on the platform’s edge, gazing down at the valley below the cliffs, at the beautiful sky above. It reminded me of how we’d sat in Castle Waverly, waiting for the royal procession to arrive, no idea what was in store for us.
“Can I tell you something?” Jax abruptly mumbled. He had that groggy tone, the one he always had when he was half drunk and half sleepy, sentimental and prone to babbling secrets. “I know the truth. I know why you did this. I know why…why you’re here at all.”
“What’re you talking about?” I asked, and I actually felt kind of sober, except for the way the whole world was bobbing up and down.
“You could’ve gone back to your father. You could’ve been his daughter. You could’ve had it all.” His voice trembled, just a little. I could see tears in his eyes. “You did this for me. Because you knew he’d have me killed no matter what.”
“Jax…”
He dabbed at his eyes and shook his head, and when he looked back up, he had that same goofy grin he always had, the one I loved so damn much. “It’s okay. I’d do the same for you. In a heartbeat.”
He turned away, looking out at the glorious vista below. “We never did get to toast Mom’s memory, did we?”
“Nope.”
He lifted an almost-empty wine bottle to the sky. “Here’s to her.”
I leaned over and gave him a hug, resting my head on his shoulder. “Here’s to us.”
He smiled and I smiled, and we sat there like that for a while, before wandering back up to our rooms.
I COULDN’T SLEEP. NATURALLY.
Maybe it was the fact that I was still a little drunk. Maybe it was my messed-up sleep schedule. Maybe it was the fact that I couldn’t stop thinking about Zell. Either way, I lay in my bed, staring up at the stone ceiling for a good hour before deciding that if I was going to be awake, I might as well make the most of it. I wanted to hit that bath again.
Galen had given each of us a Sunstone, and I used mine on the dimmest setting to light my way as I crept through the Nest. All my friends were asleep. The only people still up were the handful of guards, and they said nothing, standing silently at their posts as I walked by. I nodded at them and went down the long staircase to the bathing chamber’s heavy wooden door. I stripped out of my nightgown at the entrance, wrapped myself in a towel, and stepped inside.
Except someone was already there.
I gasped and jerked back, before realizing t
hat even in my Sunstone’s dim light I could make out a familiar toned frame and black hair. Zell was resting just inside the pool, the dark water up to his hips, his arms sprawled out along the pool’s edge, and his head craned to the ceiling. He was definitely, totally, completely naked. I couldn’t see below the water’s edge, but I could see just the top curve of his pubic bone above it. My breath choked up in my throat.
“Tilla.” He glanced up at me. He seemed totally unashamed, which made me feel weirdly prudish for having gasped. “Can’t sleep, either?”
“Nope.”
“I guess it’s something we’ll always have in common.” There was something off about his voice. “You can join me. If you’d like.”
The thought of joining a totally naked Zell in a pool was terrifying, but it was also kind of exciting, and I didn’t want to back out now. Still, I was keeping my towel on. “Sure,” I said, and lowered myself onto the bench next to him. My Sunstone was still very dim, and I kept it that way, letting the dark water hide our bodies. “Been here awhile?”
Zell didn’t say anything. I noticed for the first time the empty wine bottle lying on its side behind him. The weirdness in his voice suddenly made sense. He was drunk. But instead of seeming happy and relaxed, he seemed on edge, like he was struggling and failing to keep up his cool front.
“Are you okay?” I asked.
He breathed deeply, his eyes shut. “No,” he said quietly. “I’m not.”
“What’s wrong? I don’t understand. It seemed like you were having fun tonight….”
He shook his head. “I was. That’s the problem.”
“How is that a problem?”
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