What didn't make sense was why he was so afraid for me to know.
I went through everything that I could remember over and over as I showered and got my clothes ready for the next day before finally falling into bed. There was absolutely nothing that I could pinpoint as being something I could use against him. It was frustrating, but rehashing the same thing over and over wasn't going to help. A good night’s rest was what would.
Lying back in the bed, I tried to relax and convince my brain to shut off so I could find peace in sleep. It didn't happen. Hour after hour passed slowly — one tick of the clock at a time. Eventually my body gave in because it was too exhausted to continue, but all I did was dream of John and Master. It wasn't a sexy mix, but a creepy, frightening mess that had me waking with a scream in my throat and cold sweat running down my back.
After the dream I had, I gave up on getting any more rest. A quick shower with a coffee chaser was the jolt I needed to start my day early. Better to work on my day off than let my mind keep on the path it was going down. No one would question me being in on a Monday. If they did, it was easy to pass off that I was catching up on emails and phone calls. I was salaried anyway, they couldn't complain about overtime since that was a nonexistent dream in my world.
Dressed in a finely-tailored skirt suit, I drove myself to work, cursing traffic and my own horrible idea the entire drive. Once I finally pulled into the hotel parking lot, I breathed a sigh of relief. Work. The one place that was always constant in my life. The one place where I could shut off the overly-critical side of my brain because the creative, artistic side was in demand. It took less than an hour to be elbow-deep in work as if it wasn't my day off. After four hours, I'd nearly forgotten what had happened the night before. Not. It didn't matter how many calls or emails I made or answered, my mind was still partially focused on the events of the night before. Not the pleasurable parts. The parts I wished I could forget. Wash them from my eyes and brain with bleach so I could go back to the mindless, happy pleasure that Master gave me.
I'd thought I needed a face and a name to make things better. Instead, getting both those things had only made everything worse. Those things dropped a bomb, blowing everything into outer space. Things would never be the same. They couldn’t be. I was too embarrassed, too confused, to ever be able to act “normal” around him. I would always be the out-of-control sex addict who needed someone to restrain me and tell me what do to in order for me to feel like I had any sense of worth.
Hours passed before I realized that I was still trying to fit into his guidelines. Just to spite him, I found an extra hair tie in a drawer and pulled my hair into a low, messy bun to keep it out of my way. It had nothing to do with him. Not really. It was my way of proving to myself that I was the same as I had been before him.
From what I knew, John didn't show up at the hotel on Mondays anyway so it wasn’t like I was doing it for him to see. Yet it gave me a jolt of happiness, knowing that I was defying his command to keep my hair down.
After finally getting through my pile of emails, I had a list of people to call back and things I needed to update in my files for upcoming events. Staring at the list, I had no desire to do any of it. I couldn’t get John off my mind. It was just too much for me to push aside. It was like a dream and a nightmare combined and I couldn’t find my way out of the confusing, painful mess that everything had become.
Rapidly tapping my fingers on the desk, I tried to think of a way to prove that I didn’t need a man who played games with me in my life. I didn’t want a man in my life, but somehow or another John and Master had found loopholes in my security. They might be one and the same, but in my mind they were two totally different people. John was the physical version of my erotic dreams while Master was the emotional support and path maker. Master wouldn’t let me fuck him with my eyes for months on end. Master wouldn’t have smiled with a hard-on catching me masturbating. In my mind, John wouldn’t have been able to handle a crop or spank me the way that Master had. John wouldn’t have kissed me with such a soul-searing kiss or held me so close as I whispered my deepest secrets.
John was the man who was always too good to be with someone like me. Master was the man who knew how to dig through the shy, shamed exterior I’d built around myself to find the sexual, needy woman beneath. I’d never felt as complete, as at ease, as I did when I was in Master’s care. John was a man I’d made up numerous theories and ideas about, but in reality I knew little to nothing about the man. Hell, I’d barely learned his name.
No matter how many times or ways I looked at all that I knew, I couldn’t combine the two men. They were too different to be the same person until I knew more. I had to find out more somehow.
As if beckoned by my thoughts, John walked up to the receptionist’s desk as I lifted my eyes. He wasn’t supposed to be at the hotel. He wasn’t supposed to be anywhere near me. Even if I thought I was finally starting to find some semblance of understanding of the whole situation, I wasn’t ready to have a face-to-face meeting with the man who had thrown my world into a whirlwind in more ways than one.
Chapter 22
John
Alix finding out who I was hadn't happened anywhere close to the way I wished it had. I had slipped away for a few minutes to answer a phone call from a client. In that time, she must have awakened. When I’d returned to the room, I’d been so completely thrown off and surprised to find her standing directly in front of me, barely coving her delicious, nude body with a jacket, that I hadn’t been able to think quickly enough. Even though I had run through how I would explain things and make her understand, the pain in her eyes had made me pause too long. By the time I was able to stumble through any sort of explanation she was done waiting. The shove to my chest as she left had felt more like a bullet than her delicate hand. Pain exploded within my mind and chest as she disappeared from my life. I wasn’t ready, I’d never be ready to lose her.
Somehow I’d managed to gather enough of myself together to rush after her. Even though I may as well have been bleeding out from losing the only thing that mattered in my life, I clumsily tracked her to her car to make sure she was safely away from the club — away from me. As her car escaped my line of sight, I collapsed to the ground, clutching my chest. All the time I’d spent with Alix, everything I’d learned about her, the small details of my life I’d never shared with anyone, but some how managed to let Alix know — everything the two of us shared — flashed through my head making the loss of her shatter every wall I’d ever erected to protect myself. None of it mattered. Not without Alix. Not without the one woman who was able to put up with my dark side. The woman who snuggled deeper into my arms even after I enjoyed bringing her pain. The woman who wanted to experience me as a person more than knowing who I was.
What we had was more than words could express. It was everything you hoped to find in someone, everything someone like me thought they’d ever find.
And I had ruined it.
I was the failure. I let her down. I hurt her and that killed me.
When my legs and back ached from sitting on the asphalt in the parking lot, I pulled myself together enough to retrieve my keys from the club. Feeling as if I were in a cloud, I drove around the city for hours. No destination. No where to be. No one to console me. Worthless, useless…broken.
There was no other way to describe how I felt.
Long after the sun had risen over the city, I made a few circles around Alix’s block. Failing to catch a glimpse of her or any sign that she was even home, I went to the hotel. Dragging my feet, I pulled my sorry ass through the lobby. A sudden spark raced up my spine and I straightened as I glanced around.
There was the source. Alix.
Sitting behind her desk, looking like a beaming ray of sunlight, Alix stared at me with a look of shock mixed with anger. Her cheeks blossomed pink briefly before turning red as all signs of shock disappeared. Anger was the only emotion on her face as I walked closer to the window of her of
fice.
I missed the needy look she normally cast in my direction when I returned home after a long day of work. Hell I already missed everything that was soft and inviting about her — that had been yanked away, only to be replaced with a hard, unyielding glare.
As I watched, she leaned back in her chair and a look that I knew intimately slipped over her features. Her plump lower lip disappeared into her mouth as her eyelids drooped to half-mast.
Clenching my hands tightly, I fought the urge to march into her office. My leg muscles tensed with the need to show her what happened when she blatantly broke my rules. Inside my head, I reminded myself repeatedly that it was no longer my right. She wasn’t mine anymore. The reminder sparked the pain that had been momentarily forgotten.
Her head collapsed back onto the chair as her rapid breathing made her breasts strain against her suit jacket. Before I even realized it, my feet were moving on their own. Slipping into her office before kicking the door closed, I watched as her release rolled over her features. It didn’t matter that she hid it well, that it would appear like she was simply closing her eyes for a few moments. I knew what she had been doing. What she’d done.
Spinning her chair around, I grabbed her wrist before she could pull it from under her skirt — keeping it in place. Slowly, I dropped to my knees in front of her, bringing me to her level.
“I understand that you are upset. I do. However, I will not stand by while you break my most important rule,” I snarled, leaning in so my face was inches from hers.
She swallowed thickly before breaking eye contact and murmuring, “I couldn’t help myself.”
Lie. It was written all over her face. Yanking her hand from her skirt, I forced three of her fingers into my mouth. The sweet essence left behind on her fingers had my cock jumping to life even as I removed her digits from my lips. “Bullshit. You wanted to push me. You wanted me to see you break my rules.”
“Fuck you…John” She tugged her hand from my grip. A light flashed in her eyes letting me know she wanted to call me Master. She’d called me that more than she’d used my actual name.
“Oh, no, Precious. That is where you are wrong. I will be fucking you…and soon. Just be thankful that I have more control and discipline than you do. If I had my way, you’d be bent over this desk with my dick so deep you’d never forget who I am and just how much you mean to me.” As the words left my lips, I slid my hands up her arms, slowly trailing over her shoulders until I could cup her bare neck. “We need to talk.”
“No,” she instantly replied, but made no move to make me release her or break the eye contact.
“We will. I refuse to let you go without fighting for you. Fighting for everything we can have. Everything we both need.” I released her neck to rub a thumb over her cheek. “Meet me tonight. You know where and when. I’ll be waiting.” Not wanting her to forget who she was dealing with, I lowered my mouth to her ear. “I won’t fuck you tonight. I’m going to make you beg for it. You know, I can make you beg like you’ve never begged before. When I finally get my dick in you there will be no doubt who is fucking you, who is your master, who you belong to. Absolutely nothing about my face or name changes who you are to me and just how much I need you.”
Pressing a hard kiss to her lipstick-coated lips, I stood and retreated to the door. Just as I stepped through it, I turned and gave her one last look. “Don’t disappoint me, Precious.”
Like it or not, I was her dominant and I couldn’t stand by while she not only purposefully pushed me, but also gave in to her addiction. She was stronger than that. I would make sure she got that in her head when I got her in private. With or without me, she would not be giving into her addiction if I had anything to say about it.
Being that close to her, smelling her, touching her, had been intoxicating. The only thing that kept me from taking things any further was knowing she was still reeling from finding out my identity.
Passing time while waiting until Alix got off work was almost painful. Once it was time, I slipped down the back elevator before speeding to the club. My palms were sweating and my knee bounced the entire drive. She would show. She had to. I refused to entertain the idea that she might not.
In my room where I could see all the screens, I waited for Alix. I had worn my favorite suit just for her. This would be the first time she was with-out her blindfold and I wanted to look my best. As I paced back and forth in the small room, I double-checked my tie and smoothed my shirt, then my coat. Finally, the door slowly opened and Alix slipped inside the dressing room. Staring at the screens, I clasped my hands behind my back so I didn’t keep adjusting my suit.
Alix paused for a single moment before stepping into the playroom fully dressed.
Taking a deep, calming breath, I entered through my own door to find my beautiful Precious already on her knees. Her head was down, her silky strands keeping her face from me. Stepping closer, I fought to keep my voice calm as I instructed her to stand.
Her loud, rapid breathing could be heard from my spot across the room. Unexpectedly, her eyes lifted to lock with mine as she slowly stood. Wobbling on her heels for a brief moment, it took her a moment to settle — not once letting her eyes stray from mine.
“Strip.” The single word was raspy, torn from my throat.
One button at a time, she loosened the hold the suit coat had on her body before finally shrugging it off her shoulders so it could drift to the floor. Her eyes fluttered closed as she took a deep breath, then in one swift move she untucked her silk tank and pulled it over her head. As her eyes opened, the shirt floated to the ground next to her. It took a moment of fumbling before she was able to unzip her skirt. Releasing the material, it fell from her hips to pool around her heels as it revealed her black garter belt and nude stockings.
Stepping from the discarded clothing, she dropped to her knees again, spreading them wide as I had once asked her to do when I’d wanted to show her off. Her breathing was still audible. The creamy mounds of her breasts rose and fell with her rapid breaths.
Flicking open the single button on my suit jacket, I smiled down at her. “Now that is how I expect to find you in this room.”
Tilting her head back, her face was revealed as her hair slid back. A quick toss of her head had her hair flipping over her shoulders. With her hair out of the way, the pearls around her neck were revealed. Seeing where my eyes were locked, she said, “For you, Master.”
The most perfect woman was kneeling at my feet with my pearls around her neck as she gazed at me with a look of desire. Not need, desire — desire to please me, to have me give her what she needed.
Sinking my hand into her hair, I forced her head back. “Is that how you truly feel? Do you want everything I can give you? Or is it just a passing fancy?” I hadn’t meant to ask the question out loud, but it was out before I could stop it.
“I want to give you everything I am. I want everything you can give me. I want it all.” Her body was tense, but her voice left no doubt that she meant every word.
Releasing her hair, I stepped back from her. "Stand, Precious."
As she stood on the skinny heels, she wobbled again.
Reaching out for her elbow to steady her, I asked, "Do your feet hurt?"
"No, sir. I wear them all the time. I’m just nervous." Her answer came quickly, calmly. A small smile tilted her lips briefly.
I’d been dreaming about having her free of the blindfold, seeing me, but having her right in front of me, those eyes burning into mine, was different than I expected. She wasn’t looking at me with nerves or confusion. Instead it was confidence that shone brightly in them. If she was really nervous, her unsteady stance was the only sign of it.
Swallowing away my own nerves, I released her elbow. “Undress me.”
A low moan filled the silence before her hands lifted to rest upon my shoulders. Her breathing sped up briefly before she managed a few slow breaths. “Yes, sir.” Her voice was barely above a whisper. The tiny butto
ns of my dress shirt were quickly undone by her nimble fingers. After tugging my shirt from my slacks, her delicate hands slid firmly up the line of skin that had been revealed until they spread out at my shoulders. One hand slid up to caress my lips as her tongue dragged over her own.
Pushing her hands under my coat, she shoved the thick material from my shoulders to let it slide down my arms to the floor. Her fingers fisted in each side of my open shirt before she stepped into my body, pressing her skin against mine. Looking into my eyes, her hands moved to wrap around my wrists.
“These are easier to get off if I’m close.”
Somehow she had the cuff links out and tossed to the ground in seconds before her hands skimmed up over my shoulders to slip under the loose material and had it following the same path my coat had only moments before.
"You aren't done," I murmured when she stared at my chest for a few moments too long. I didn't know if she was hesitating or appreciating, but either way, it was taking too long.
"I know, sir. I was simply taking in all that I have been unable to before." Her eyes flicked upward for a brief moment as a smile flickered across her lips. Slowly, too slowly, her tiny hands made a path from my shoulders to my waist hitting every nerve ending along the way and making my body feel like it was on fire.
My cock was fully erect, waiting for her to notice him and give him the attention he thought he deserved. When her hands barely skimmed over him, I grunted in pain. I had waited so long for us to finally be without the blindfold. For her to know exactly who it was she was touching and who was touching her.
"What are you waiting for?" The impatient growl was out before I could stop it when her hands rested upon my hips.
"Patience, Master. You are the one who has made me wait so long to see you and now I feel like I need to fully appreciate every inch I am free to discover. I've begged more than once for this honor and I don’t want to rush it." Again her eyes flicked up to meet mine for a brief moment. Her fingers tickled along the top of my pants, causing me to clench my jaw.
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