*
I had visions of the creature’s limbs coming off in my hands as we carried it out of the tunnel and through the dormitories, out via the same hole-for-window that I hadn’t been able to find on my way back alone.
It almost made me have to drop him, the idea of his arms coming away from his shoulders and being left holding them like a pair of ski poles.
Even worse, I began to fantasize that it wasn’t dead. It wasn’t enough to feel the lack of pulse, the staggering dead-weight, but I had to stare – really fucking stare – at those bullet holes, to the point that Eli stopped, dropped the feet and asked, ‘Do you need a moment?’
Blinking. ‘I’m fine.’
‘Are you sure?’
‘Yeah, why?’
‘You’re quiet.’
Ironically, I didn’t have anything to say to that.
He said, ‘I really did lose you, you know.’
‘I know.’
‘I got there as fast as I could.’
‘Yeah.’
‘And you’re still alive.’
‘Eli, I’m fine.’
I thought it was you, I thought. I thought it was you and I hadn’t hesitated to kill it.
In the glare of our torches and the light from the moon, it didn’t look like Eli. I don’t know what had made me see the resemblance. The dark did that to you apparently. Without any reference, a familiar point, your mind starts to conjure recognizable things.
I thought it was you.
I wondered if it was obvious to Eli that ‘I thought it was you’ translated so easily to ‘I thought it was you, so I killed it.’
Such a hideous yet inevitable accident it would have been, to kill Eli in that darkness.
Hideous, yet inevitable.
‘Lucky you got him before he bit you,’ Eli remarked. ‘He might have had rabies or something.’
‘Probably did.’
‘Like I said.’ He shone his torch into the thing’s mouth. ‘Dogs around.’
We could both see that it wasn’t Trent.
There was blood all over me.
I mimicked Eli’s pose and pulled back the creature’s lips to reveal blackened and veined gums, not many teeth left to bite with but the front ones were still intact. He must have thought that was lucky, maybe. Still had a smile to show the world if he needed it, while the insides of his body decayed and rotted out of view, like a family pet that had crawled under a veranda to die.
Letting the lips fall back into place, I backed away.
Blood, I remembered. All over me.
I climbed into the driver’s seat to get away from people both alive and dead. But Eli followed.
We sat for a while, side by side.
He said, ‘We can always—’
‘I’m going home.’
It must have been true this time, because he didn’t fight me.
CHAPTER FORTY-TWO
Daisy
We both drank water with trembling hands; mine from crying and his from vomiting. It didn’t take long for me to become amused by how terrible we looked, sat in front of the sofa rather than on it.
‘What could possibly be funny?’ Noel muttered, as I started giggling.
‘What isn’t?’
I gestured at the two of us and he nodded. ‘Ah, yes. Fucking hell, the state.’
His under-eyes were black, and the rest of his face drained of colour.
My cheeks felt red and swollen.
We sat shoulder to shoulder, so close because it was reassuring to feel that he was still there, even if it was begrudgingly. The inside of the flat had darkened as the sun disappeared outside, but neither of us could be bothered to turn a light on.
‘Do you think anyone’s ever killed themselves just because they’ve needed to know?’ I mused.
‘Know what?’
‘What actually happens when we die.’
‘Dunno, the options seem shit either way.’
‘Big dude in the sky or…’
‘Nothing.’
I shrugged. ‘I’m not an atheist, so…’
‘I think I’m half-atheist. I don’t think there’s a big man up there or… down there. But I think it’s an all right thought, the idea of rotting down in the ground and being food for plants and trees and all that nature shit.’
‘That’s not atheist, that’s just being a fucking hippy.’ I watched him for a reaction and he managed to laugh.
‘No one’s ever called me that before.’ He drank some more water. ‘I don’t know how Ronnie does it, believing in all that wank full-time. It must do his head in. No wonder he’s so fucked.’
‘Do you think he’s coming back?’
He glanced at the living room window. ‘I don’t know.’
‘Maybe you should start thinking about that.’
‘Edie’s been thinking about it, hasn’t she?’
‘Can you blame her?’
‘She wants you to manage the place.’ He gave me a side-eye. ‘I’m not an idiot, despite appearances. You know she’s not gonna let you do it alone, she’ll have someone in mind to keep an eye on you. She might… even be selling up. Huh.’
He paused, as if he’d surprised himself.
‘She could be selling up,’ he repeated
‘What does that mean for you guys?’
‘Well, I won’t cause a scene. I fucking love it, it’s my home. But I fucked up, I can take the hit and move on. Ron won’t go quietly. He’d burn the club to the fucking ground before he gets elbowed out. But she’ll know that.’
‘Do you think Ronnie knows?’
The most animated of shrugs. ‘I know fuck all about Ron right now. The last time we spoke he was going on about a mental place in Staten Island and he thinks he’s met a guy who can turn metal into golf.’
‘Golf?’
‘Gold. Gold, not golf. Fuck, you’d be the shittest alchemist ever.’
It seemed frivolous to laugh for too long.
‘So you haven’t told him about Seven then?’
‘Na, not the sort of thing you do over Skype. We can deal with that when he gets back, if Edie gives us time to deal with it.’
‘I might…’
He looked at me before I had the balls to finish the sentence.
‘I might be able to give you some time.’
A smirk. ‘Look at you, Mr Big-shot.’
‘Well, she’s listened to me before. Maybe she’d listen if I just… asked.’
‘Maybe it’d turn out better for you if you just kept your loyalties a bit closer to your chest.’ He nodded at my chest, with meaning. ‘But thanks for the offer, you cheeky fucking upstart. You wanna take on the Russians for us as well? Seeing as you’re the fucking Don now.’
‘I just saved your arse, didn’t I?’
‘Yeah, great, I’m not gonna be able to sleep for twenty-four hours in case you have me sectioned.’ He leant his head back against the sofa and sighed. ‘While I have to stay awake, wanna have sex?’
‘Don’t take this the wrong way, you’re usually an all right-looking guy, but at this precise moment I’d rather lick a tramp.’ I patted his leg.
A shrug. ‘Worth a try though.’
‘Always worth a try.’
He raised a fist and I bumped it.
A phone started ringing. We both stared at each other until I recognized it as mine, and I scrambled for my pocket.
It was Ronnie. But it wasn’t just Ronnie who came back.
CHAPTER FORTY-THREE
Ronnie
London was a village, I realized; an incestuous, bitchy, horrible little village. People had no concept of living anywhere it was impossible to function without a car. You could walk everywhere you needed to. Roads were the width of two cars only. Buildings were crammed in, compact, not stretched desperately across every inch of free space.
You couldn’t do what Eli and I had done here. The very law of statistics dictated that someone would be close enough to witness a murder. There was an a
udience for everything.
I hated it.
I thought I hated America, with all its space and anonymity. But no, it was this I hated; the people.
Eamonn had been staying in mine and Rachel’s guest bedroom for a fortnight and was already grating on everyone apart from the kids. He was great with the kids.
I sat up on our kitchen counter and watched Eamonn playing a trampoline-based game of basketball with Ryan and Chantal in the garden, springing back and forth from the safety nets and laughing.
‘How long is he going to stay here?’
I looked across the room at Rachel straining some coffee. ‘Until he can afford somewhere by himself, I guess.’
‘By himself? In London?’
‘Well, he’ll probably have to get a flat-share…’
‘OK, and when’s that likely to be?’
‘When he gets a job.’
I could tell she wanted to ask when that was likely to be as well, but she didn’t.
Things had been weirdly formal between us since I’d returned, as if I was a butler. Too many pleases and thank yous for my liking.
I thought it might sometimes be like this for women; having to reacquaint themselves with someone before feeling at ease with the former levels of intimacy. But it felt deeper than that.
‘It’s complicated,’ I said, answering the question she hadn’t asked. ‘I’m not going to just hand him a job, because how will he learn if I do that? He needs to seriously think about what he’s going to do with his life. If he does, he could really have a go at making a new start here.’
‘You won’t give him a job even if it helps us?’
‘He’s the one who needs help right now.’ Once again, I was surprised to be sticking up for him. ‘He been out of society for fifteen years, the kid doesn’t know where he belongs any more. The most important thing we can do is make him realize he’s at least a part of the family. Ryan and Chantal love him, you can’t argue with that.’
She hadn’t taken her eyes from the cafetière.
‘Is he dangerous?’ she asked.
I realized that was the question she had been working towards all along.
‘No.’
She watched Eamonn slam-dunking on the trampoline, tackling Ryan to the mat while Chantal keeled over, breathless with laughter. Rachel looked as though she wanted to go out there and drag them both inside.
‘You’ve never quite explained to me why he ended up in prison,’ she said.
‘Yeah, I have.’
‘You’ve said he was charged with accomplice to murder but you didn’t say why.’
I really wanted some coffee – my eyes slid down towards the waiting mugs and cafetière – but I thought it would be an insensitive moment to bring it up.
‘His friends, these guys who he was hanging around with at the time, kicked a man to death and Eamonn was there. He didn’t land a blow but he didn’t exactly stop them either.’
‘Yes, you’ve said that. You know you’ve said that. But why did they do it?’
‘Um.’ There wasn’t any good way to phrase it. ‘They thought he was gay. I don’t know if he was… But I guess that doesn’t matter, does it? They thought he was.’
It took a lot to make Rachel look this horrified.
‘Is he some kind of neo-Nazi?’
‘What? Fuck, no. How could you jump to that conclusion?’
‘That’s what neo-Nazis do.’ Her gaze snapped back in the direction of Eamonn and the kids. ‘I’m not sure I want him here around the kids.’
‘He didn’t do it!’ I snapped. ‘Eamonn’s a lot of things but he’s not a murderer.’
‘But he was clearly with hanging around with people like that.’
‘He was scared, Rach. I know you might find this hard to believe but sometimes you can’t always run to the police.’ I was getting flustered. ‘How come you’re only bringing this up now? He’s been here for two weeks.’
‘And I think two weeks is long enough, I don’t want him to start thinking this is his house and assume he can stay rent-free for ever.’
‘He’s not on fucking holiday, Rach!’
There was a silence. We never swore at other. Not in sixteen years of marriage.
A peal of laughter came drifting in through the window.
I slid down from the side and went to hug her. ‘I’m sorry.’
She acquiesced but it wasn’t returned. Her body felt unyielding, like a mannequin. I retreated after what felt like the expected amount of time, and hoisted myself onto the side again.
Eamonn was in the role of goalkeeper now, trying to keep the kids’ shots out.
‘And I’m sorry, I really don’t like Eli.’ She sounded as though she had been keeping these complaints pent up for a while. ‘I know he’s your friend and your parents have known him for years but he gives me the creeps; I don’t want him in the house any more.’
‘Why don’t you like him?’
‘I just…’ She shook her head. ‘I don’t know, I just don’t.’
‘Has he said anything weird?’
‘No, it’s not even anything he’s said, it’s more how he looks at people.’
‘He’s just a private person, Rach.’ I shrugged, determined not to acknowledge her completely valid point. ‘I know he can make people uncomfortable because he doesn’t talk that much and he seems a bit… autistic maybe. But not letting him in the house, that’s a bit much. Especially if you can’t even pinpoint why you don’t like him. I mean, if you could give me an example…’
She sighed. ‘No. Just forget about it.’
‘No, seriously, if you wanna tell me something about him you don’t like then go for it.’
It was a dickhead move but I couldn’t help it. I wanted Eli here. No, I needed him here.
She glared at me and walked out, leaving the coffee strained but not poured; an irritating, but effective gesture of defiance.
*
That evening I dropped into the Underground to check on Eli.
I saw him talking to Daisy at the bar and she was laughing. Daisy flirted with everyone – it was in her make-up, how she interacted with the world – but it still bothered me. I wasn’t sure why.
‘Can I get a word?’ I said to Daisy, indicating upwards.
Daisy, to my chagrin, glanced at Eli.
He circled the bar. ‘Don’t worry, I’ll cover you. I can’t make cocktails though.’
She shrugged. ‘Neither can I, mate. They get what they’re fucking given.’
I walked off and up the stairs, looking over the club floor and deciding that everything seemed to be running smoothly.
Coralie was dancing onstage, lights turning from purple to gold to red, and no one was inappropriately drunk or loud. In fact, it was nicely quiet. But everything that wasn’t outdoors and bathed in natural light felt like a tunnel now.
Daisy followed me upstairs and I could feel dry amusement radiating from her.
‘What’s up with you?’ she asked.
‘How’s Eli getting on?’ I asked back, ignoring her. ‘You seem to be getting on well.’
I pulled out the swivel chair and sat down.
Daisy remained standing, hands on her hips. ‘Honestly?’
‘Honestly.’
She went and shut the door. ‘I don’t like him.’
I faltered. ‘What?’
‘You know he’s completely insane, right?’
‘He’s…’ I thought of Eli, standing in that tunnel of blood, the beast, and lied, ‘not insane. What are you talking about?’
‘Ronnie, I know he’s your friend but you said to be honest. He’s crazy town.’
I began to smile, taking it for a joke. ‘Oh shut up, Daisy. You’re kidding?’
‘Er, no.’
‘But you guys seemed to be getting on. I mean, you were all…’ I made a vague wiggle of my hips in the chair to demonstrate flirtation. ‘You were giving him the total “fuck me” routine.’
‘Ha! I was a
ll…’ She mimicked my gesture in her leather hot-pants, ‘was I?’
‘Well, yeah, you were hair-flicking and all that.’
She snorted and sat down opposite me, turning a few times in the chair. ‘Look, I hate tonnes of people who come in here, but you give them a customer service smile, don’t you? You can’t be honest with everybody about what you think of them, you’d never get any business.’
‘I’m surprised. I thought you guys were hitting it off.’
Daisy raised her eyebrows. ‘I’m surprised you couldn’t tell when a girl is faking it.’
I frowned. ‘What exactly don’t you like about him?’
‘I told you, I wouldn’t trust him. I don’t even know what he wants, money or whatever, but he’s just got this look on his face like… he just wants to be entertained. I was asking him loads of questions about what you guys got up to in the States, and when he didn’t want to answer he just didn’t. It’s weird. He just stares at you until you ask something else.’
I resented that the women were rallying against us.
‘Don’t you think you’re exaggerating?’
‘No.’ She was totally serious. ‘Trust me, I have a radar for fucked-up men.’
‘You’re going out with Nic Caruana and you claim to get psychic vibes about people?’
A long, drawn-out pause, then she shrugged. ‘Touché.’
‘Eli’s going to keep Edie off our backs. That’s important.’
‘I know. Doesn’t mean I have to trust him.’
‘Well, in situations like this, don’t trust anyone. That’s the only smart thing you can do.’
‘You trust him though, don’t you.’
I paused. ‘He’s done a lot for my family. I don’t have any reason not to.’
‘Maybe you’re right,’ she said in a monotone. ‘Maybe it’s just me.’
It was a platitude and we both knew it.
‘Daisy, am I missing something?’ I asked.
She folded her arms.
‘I mean it, be straight with me. Am I missing something?’
‘I don’t know. I mean, I don’t know him like you do and it could be nothing.’ She turned circles in the chair again. ‘I guess just keep an eye on him, make sure he isn’t trying to get you to do something.’
‘Do what?’
‘I don’t know, something. He’s gonna want something. Just can’t work out what, that’s all.’
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