‘Had to be better than marrying someone who wasn’t. What a boring life. You’re married.’
‘What?’
She nodded at my wedding ring.
I looked at it as if I’d never seen it before. ‘Yeah.’
‘And?’
‘Well, Rachel’s not insane, no. It isn’t what I go for in a woman.’
‘More’s the pity.’
‘I didn’t really give it that much thought. I just kinda… Well, my parents always said I should get married to someone who would be a good parent. That was it. You and Eli never had children?’
‘God no.’
I wasn’t prepared for the disgust in her voice; not from a female.
‘Have you seen Eli since we’ve been back?’
She shook her head.
‘Does Trent really live in Lincolnshire?’
‘Honestly, he could do. He could be anywhere. I just wanted to see if it would make you stay on Eli’s crazy train.’ When I glanced at her she had also glanced at me, and she smirked. ‘You really killed Tom though, didn’t you. And Cam.’
‘Tom seemed like a prick anyway.’
‘No, he… He was just shallow.’ She took a deep breath. ‘Look, Eli likes to misdirect people, keep them off balance. Think about what he might have wanted to keep you distracted from, and you’ll work him out.’
I slicked my hair away from my face. I was almost there. Something – a thought – had almost fallen into place, but it needed one more nudge.
She made a run for it.
‘It’ was the knife still lying on the floor where it had fallen.
I grabbed her by the back of the neck and slammed her head into the coffee table. The amount of blood left painted against the sharp edge, when she sank to the floor, was definitely enough to be fatal. I wasn’t sure she’d be getting back up.
The sudden shot of adrenalin had caused me to start shaking, but my breathing was steady.
There was a mirror on the wall opposite.
I met my own eyes and slicked back my hair again. My edges were harder, more defined, almost glowing with divine intervention.
The front door was still open but I closed it on my way out, leaving behind the body I’d been looking for.
CHAPTER FIFTY-ONE
I could see Eamonn out of the corner of my eye as I helped Chantal finish her maths homework. We hadn’t spoken since I’d refused to pick him up from jail.
‘So b is equal to…’ I gave her a gentle nudge with my shoulder. ‘Come on, take your head out of your hands, this isn’t torture.’
‘I don’t care what b is.’
I leant my elbow on the dining table and sighed. ‘Y’know what, darling, you’re right. No one cares what b is. But life is kinda this game where you have to pretend to like things and as long as you pretend to like things and be really good at them, you’ll win. That’s how you win.’
A replica of my own eyes looked up at me. ‘What do you win?’
‘Nothing that great, to be honest. Why don’t you go to your room, play PlayStation or something, we’ve had enough of this.’ I shut her book for her and kissed her on the fore-head.
Eamonn was in the kitchen, on his phone. I could see him through a slit in the door. I had my eye on him as Chantal took the other door out, into the living room and upstairs.
I sat and watched him, through the slit in the door.
Rachel was out for the evening, Ryan was at a sleepover and we were alone.
He took his eyes off his phone for a second. ‘I know I’m not staying, Ron.’
‘We can’t talk about this here,’ I said, standing up and barging through the slit to open up the back door. ‘Outside.’
He stepped into the hall to grab his hoodie and followed me into the garden. It wasn’t as big as my parents’ and the trampoline was also smaller.
‘Isn’t it weird you never got a pet?’ Eamonn said, hoisting himself onto the table and resting his feet on one of the benches, facing the house. ‘Like, don’t your kids want a dog or something?’
I started rolling a cigarette. Even out in the garden I felt starved of fresh air. ‘I always said as soon as they can both keep plants alive they’re allowed to have a hamster, and if they can keep the hamster alive they can have a cat, and if they can keep that alive they can have a dog. So far they haven’t got past the plant.’
‘Yeah, but plants are moody little shits.’
I smiled thinly.
‘I know you’re gonna ask me to go,’ he said.
‘Eamonn—’
‘No, it’s fine. It’s obvious, I’ve actually been looking for a new place this week.’
‘Find anything?’
‘I got some viewings. I need a guarantor though.’
‘I can guarantor you, that’s fine.’
‘Cheers, bro.’
‘Not as if anyone else is going to do it. I’m not a total arsehole.’ I handed him the cigarette I’d just rolled. ‘If you wanted, I was thinking you could run a couple of errands for me over the next few days.’
I felt the energy between us change.
‘Don’t get too excited,’ I said, rolling my eyes. ‘You fuck up once, you’re out.’
‘All right, man, don’t get too emotional about it, you’ll make me cry.’
I looked at him for a long time, with shadows cast across his face, and tried to feel something, tried to feel something, tried to feel… Nothing. I reached into the depths and found nothing. Not even a memory of a feeling.
‘Well, Dad has been suggesting it for a while and…’ I shrugged.
‘Oh thanks. Good to know you and Dad sit there talking about me like I’m some fucking baby.’
I rolled my own cigarette and started shivering. ‘Get over it, man.’
‘I suppose Eli’s in on it too.’
‘In on what?’
‘These parent–teacher meetings you got going on.’
I shut my eyes for a while and then looked up at the black sky. ‘You know, if you come out here and look up for long enough you can see bats flying from tree to tree. Have you ever even seen a bat before?’
‘Course I haven’t. There isn’t really much nature in jail.’
How sad, I thought, but without actually feeling sad.
I wondered if I could get Eamonn to follow Katz around, or that Sean guy who worked for him. It would probably get him killed, but at least it would be a useful death. But the truth was, I couldn’t even trust him with that; I couldn’t trust him to get a packet of wine gums from the corner shop without drama.
The doorbell rang weakly from across the garden and I made a laborious show of getting up.
Eamonn flounced away instead. ‘I’ll get it.’
I thought about Melissa de Ehrmann, mostly because I knew the ring of the doorbell would be Eli. It had been so surprisingly easy to kill her, if I had indeed killed her. It was as if she’d already been hovering at the edge of mortality. I’d killed a few people and some clung on, even if their fingers were the only parts of them left with which to cling. Others just sidestepped out of life like it had always been on the verge.
Eli emerged into the garden looking amused. ‘It’s hardly summer here, Ronnie. Why are you outside?’
I shrugged again. ‘Where’s Eamonn?’
‘Inside.’ He glanced back at the warmth of the kitchen but then came and joined me.
‘Do you miss driving through the crazy mid-states?’ I asked, with an exhale of smoke.
‘I miss it being warm.’ He took the seat that Eamonn had vacated, on the table with his feet on the bench.
‘But do you miss it?’
‘A bit. You?’
‘I do actually. I thought it was hell when I was there but it was… Dunno, I find myself thinking about it a lot. It was simpler.’ I made a vague wave towards the house. ‘Now this all feels like hell.’
Maybe it was a mistake to look at his face, but I swear I saw something like triumph fall across it.
I looked up and thought I saw a bat flicker across the slightly lighter shade of black.
I didn’t hear him at first.
It took a second, or two, and then…
‘What did you just say?’
‘Your father is buying your club. Edie is selling up.’
‘You fucking what?’
‘Me fucking nothing. I just thought I should tell you, this is happening.’
My mouth had fallen open, making a mockery of the shock I felt. ‘No.’
Eli nodded.
‘He can’t be.’
He just nodded again.
‘How do you know this?’
‘He told me. It’s been on the agenda for a while. Edie’s selling up and she contacted Paul because… well, she knew who he was. They’re both American, they both come from the same coast and they have you in common. She got in contact and the rest is history.’
I didn’t want to admit how obvious it seemed now. What would fuck me over most? What would turn me into a lesser threat better than my own fucking father?
‘What do mean “history”?’ I said.
‘I mean—’
‘When did he tell you?’
‘Months ago.’ As if it was nothing, he just tossed the two words aside.
Misdirection.
‘So you knew about this, the whole time we were out there looking for— Fuck.’ And my cigarette burnt my fingers. I dropped it and stood up. ‘Was the whole thing some fucking distraction to keep me out of his way while he bought my life from under me? Fucking answer me!’
I grabbed him by the back of the neck and dragged him off the table.
He regained his footing but didn’t look perturbed. ‘Ron, listen—’
I punched him and his body snapped downwards, blood jetting from his bottom lip. He pulled a face that said Yeah, ok.
‘Ron, listen,’ he said, again. ‘I’m telling you now because I think we both want the same thing.’
He spat a mouthful of blood to the side.
‘And what’s that? Tell me why I shouldn’t just fucking kill you where you stand. Please. I’m fucking dying to hear why.’
But it wasn’t him I wanted to kill, it was Dad. It made so much sense now. What a masterstroke from Edie, the lying cunt that she was. I almost had to admire her for it. Not Eli though; Eli might as well have put a gun to his own head.
‘Because I can help you take revenge,’ he said. ‘You know I can.’
I raised my fist and, for once, he retreated.
‘Ron!’ he snapped. ‘You know I can. We’re alike, you and me. Fuck, we’re the same. We could end this, we could do it tonight if we wanted.’
‘Is he here? Is he in the fucking country?’
‘No. He’s flying in tomorrow.’ In a remarkable show of courage, he took my arm. ‘Think about it. Really, think about it. We could make an arrival for him he’ll never forget.’
I didn’t want to kill him any less, but there was something about the look in his eyes that I had faith in. I think it might have been utter madness; sadism that could rival mine.
‘We want the same things,’ he repeated. ‘Think about it. Just think.’
‘You sold me out. You helped him sell me out.’
‘But I’m selling him out now. I’m telling you now. I couldn’t have told you before, you’d have got yourself killed before you had a chance to return home.’ He spread his hands. ‘If you want to kill me, then kill me. But you know I can help you.’
I stared, fists clenching and unclenching.
My club.
It was like the world had ended, for a moment.
Eli’s eyes were dancing with some insane glee, fixed on me with his startling lack of allegiance.
‘Did Eamonn know?’ I asked.
‘Truthfully’ – as if that word made a shred of difference – ‘I don’t know.’
It didn’t matter, I was surprised to note.
I realized Eli’s hand was still on my arm, and he didn’t take it away.
He smiled. ‘Come on. Come on, let’s fuck them. Let’s burn it to the ground.’
‘I killed your wife,’ I said, intrigued to see if it would alter his state at all.
Hand still on my arm. ‘What?’
‘I think I killed your ex-wife. Melissa.’
He cast his eyes upwards and said, ‘I think I just saw a bat. I don’t think I’ve seen one since I was young.’
‘Did you hear what I said? I’m not joking.’
And then he started laughing, as if I’d told the most brilliant joke.
CHAPTER FIFTY-TWO
Daisy
He turned over in his sleep and dragged some of the cover off me, leaving my foot exposed. Without thinking, almost without waking up, I shifted towards him to regain the warmth and he put an arm around me in the darkness.
‘I don’t even like fishing,’ he muttered.
Blinking awake.
I hadn’t realized the fucking weirdo talked in his sleep.
‘What?’ I said, on the off chance that he was awake.
‘Fuck fishing. It’s wank.’
I started laughing but tried to keep it silent. Looking over at the clock on his bedside table, I saw it was nearing four in the morning. I’d only been asleep for an hour or so, but it felt substantial.
Last night’s mascara was hurting my eyes so I sat up and found myself looking down at Noel thinking, Well this is awkward. One moment you’re just over someone’s house for a rant about someone you both hate while Edie was running the Underground for the night, and the next you’re saying something utterly ridiculous like ‘Hey, if the fucking offer still stands…’
I slid out of bed and put on my underwear to walk to the bathroom, wincing. It was like the muscles around my vagina were cramping. I was surprised Noel still had it in him, given that he’d lived almost exclusively on alcohol and Doritos for the last three months.
I paused.
Exactly how unattractive would it be to be caught straddling a bag of frozen peas in the kitchen at two in the morning?
Too unattractive, I decided, and carried on to the bathroom.
He didn’t have any face wipes, because he was a man. So I washed my face instead.
Seeing myself in his mirror now, it was the only time in my life I remembered thinking that I looked older. Still pale, still baby-faced, but there was something there that appeared capable of making a decision now.
I couldn’t work out if it was something I’d cultivated myself, or if it was something Edie had put there.
Was she the sort of woman I wanted to be?
Would she stay and work under a man she didn’t know? Or would she strike out alone?
I wiped a combination of water and foundation off my face, rinsed it again and buried my face in Noel’s only towel. It smelt of him and brought to mind the memory of me biting the skin between his neck and his shoulder barely two hours before, which made me think of Nic, which made me want to get out of there …
Maybe I could get away with sneaking out while he was still asleep. He probably wouldn’t mind. It was just sex after all.
I gave my hair a shake, dressed, checked the clock and then slipped out of his flat to go back to the Underground to oversee closedown. Mostly so that I wouldn’t be there when Noel woke up.
*
The fire alarm was going off. I heard it from outside. At least I thought it was the fire alarm… It might have been the security box malfunctioning again.
There was no one outside, none of the girls or bar staff. Not Edie.
It was raining gently.
I went and stood in the front doorway, and I couldn’t hear much else from inside. For some reason, survival instinct maybe, I backed out of
there and walked around the building to use the staff entrance.
Where was everybody?
Moving through the dressing rooms, I could see that the girls had long gone. No one had stuck around for an after-work drink. I stopped just shy of the door leading out to the bar, and waited. The fire alarm stopped, abruptly. In its absence I could hear banging upstairs, men’s voices.
No one in the bar though. I slipped out, looked for the gun we had stashed behind the high-top glasses and checked it had bullets. There were three.
The banging again. Like someone was kicking a door in.
Someone was robbing the place. But if that were the case, why not make off with the cash float? I turned the key in the till and held the drawer closed to stop it springing open. All the money was there, so it wasn’t money they were after.
Keeping myself low, I crept along the bar and past the stage to the door to the stairwell. I leant against it just enough to make it open an inch.
One of the voices was Ronnie’s.
The other voice was Eli’s.
There was a bang, then a shout – a woman – a gunshot.
It was so fucking loud I fell backwards away from the door, straight onto my arse. As I fell there was another shot, and screaming that sounded like…
Edie.
The door had shut. I couldn’t be sure they hadn’t heard it, so I ran back to the dressing rooms. I could hear activity behind me, the sound of footsteps down stairs, conversation. Light-headed with panic, I hid in the Disabled toilet and locked the door, then unlocked it, then locked it again.
Would it catch their attention if it was engaged?
‘Fuck fuck fuck.’
I left it unlocked and fell into a crouch, wedged between the toilet and the wall. It was pitch black. I knelt there, too afraid to turn on the light and too afraid to sit in darkness.
They must have come to kill Edie. They’d kill me too.
I put my ear to the door.
Their voices sounded distant, like they were on the club floor.
I reached up, feeling for the light, and pulled the cord.
Too late, I thought of the emergency pull we’d had installed. The emergency pull I’d just triggered.
‘Oh no, shit!’ I cowered, waiting for the alarm to sound.
But the light had come on. The emergency pull was on the other side of the room.
Road Kill Page 30