Snapshots of the night downtown with Alec and Laila’s friend streaked through his mind. This time Jake didn’t bury them. He enjoyed them as the shadows and music and liquor and laughter proved to be too big an equation for his weak heart.
She brushed back her blonde hair and licked her lips. “I was beginning to think you were ignoring me,” she said in his ear.
Jake didn’t answer her and ignored the voice telling him Look out—she’s a chick and she’s got your number and you’re a moron not to get up and run away.
And then, out of the blue, in the haze of the night, he pictured Alyssa’s sweet smile, so different from this temptress clinging to him. The image was so out of place in this context, and thinking about her only made him sad. He got up and bought another round of beers.
Sometime later, maybe half an hour and three rounds later, Laila danced in front of Jake. He didn’t hide his eyes, the way they moved over her. And she moved closer and his eyes moved lower and then she took his hand.
“Why haven’t you seen me since that night?” she asked him.
And he could only smile and pull her close. They had a history and he couldn’t let it go, not now and not on a night like this.
“I didn’t know you wanted me to,” he lied.
She seemed okay with this fib. She moved between Jake’s open legs and leaned down to kiss him. It was a long kiss, and not the first of the night.
“I’ve missed you,” she said.
But instead of replying, he kissed her again.
It was a little later that Jake said something to a bouncer, and the guy took offense to it. But it was true, the guy didn’t have a neck and he acted like he had the brains of a bat. Jake probably shouldn’t have said it, though, or made jokes about the guy’s masculinity and the fact that he needed to lay off the Dunkin’ Donuts. It was all that, plus the fact that he was undeniably drunk, that led to Jake getting thrown out of Shaughnessy’s.
The guy Jake called Rufus, the bouncer he’d insulted, led him out the door with the help of another guy. Jake tried to go back to tell the gang. The mistake he made was slapping Rufus in the face. It was an innocent slap and not really powerful. But the other bouncer put an arm around him and squeezed, not allowing Jake to breathe until the cold chill of night greeted him outside the door.
They closed the door and Jake tried to open it. He hurled profanities and slammed his fist against the solid oak door several times, the last hurting exceptionally hard, even though he could barely feel much of anything in his body. His legs, his lungs, his breath, his mind. All felt like some endless dub, a high-speed continuous play CD that just kept going, a club song that never stopped.
That’s when he took off running, heading toward a destination only his drunken mind could understand. He hit road signs and wavered between the street and the sidewalk and the grass and the parking lots.
Jake didn’t remember the car turning into a parking lot of the Denny’s and blocking his way. But he saw an eager face behind an open window.
“You left me,” Laila said.
“They kicked me out.”
“I promise I won’t.”
Jake didn’t realize he had fractured the bone below his pinkie. He got into Laila’s car and picked up where they had left off.
Eventually the high subsides … sometimes before a person can make an even bigger mistake.
In the parking lot of Jake’s apartment, Laila asked him to come home with her.
Perhaps it was her raw honesty or the fact that it was three in the morning or the fact that something in the music and in her forceful kiss made him reconsider. But as he looked at a snow-covered windshield and took a breath and considered, all he could think about was Alyssa.
Not again. Not now. Not here.
Jake looked at the blonde across from him. In the glow and shadows of the bar, she had looked incredible. But now Laila just looked like a hardened young woman too eager to be with him.
I don’t want this, he thought.
He wanted this, yes, sure, and he had once had this, yeah. But not again. Not this head case. If he kept this up she would never back off, and he didn’t need anything this heavy and serious the last few months of college.
Yet the biggest reason for stopping was the simple thought of Alyssa.
“I’m done here,” he said.
“Jake, come on—let’s just go back to my place—nobody has to know—”
But he was already outside and shutting the door and didn’t hear her finish her suggestion.
He walked toward his apartment. No good-bye. No nothing. He knew it was better this way.
As he grabbed the door handle to his apartment building with his right hand, he felt an ache that would only worsen by eleven the next morning, when he awoke and looked in the mirror and then glanced at a hand that was half black-and-blue.
This is what you’ve become.
FOURTEEN
June 2005
“WHAT HAPPENED?”
Shane’s voice sounded far off and muffled.
“I’m—I don’t know.”
I sat on the couch, candlelight making the walls appear to be moving. Shane had grabbed a frozen steak, which I held against the back of my head where a large knot had appeared.
“I’m calling the cops,” Tracy said.
“No, it’s fine,” I said.
“What if someone—”
“They’re gone, whoever did this,” Shane said.
Tracy began, “Do you think someone—”
“I don’t know what to think,” he said, interrupting his wife, then quickly apologizing.
“Where’s Bruce?” I asked.
“He took off outside.”
“What do you mean?”
“He said he was going to hunt down whoever did this to you.”
“Great. My heroic, half-sloshed bodyguard.”
“You didn’t see or hear anything?”
“Just heard someone behind me and then got knocked out cold.”
“This is a theme in your life,” Shane said.
“What?” Tracy looked puzzled.
“I’ll tell you later,” he said to Tracy. “Jake—you sure you’re okay?”
“I’m fine. Seriously. I just wish that such a great night hadn’t ended up like this.”
“I don’t know what to say,” Tracy said.
“It’s not your fault,” I said. “Better me than you.”
“Do you think—you think this has anything to do with Alec?”
I adjusted the mock ice pack and let out a sigh. “I don’t know … Bruce’s apartment got broken into last night.”
“Are you serious? What did Bruce say?”
“Not much, except that he needed to get out of town.”
“Is he in trouble?” Shane asked.
“I don’t know. I don’t know anything. I haven’t spoken to him—to any of you—for years.”
“You need to get some rest,” Tracy said.
“You haven’t seen or heard from Alec?” I asked Shane.
Shane shook his head. “I told you over the phone—nothing. I didn’t even know he was living in Florida for a while. After graduation—I don’t know. It all sorta ended with that. With Carnie.”
“I know.”
“I just thought—we’ll all get past this. And still be friends. Still stay in touch. But every time I thought of all you guys, I couldn’t help thinking of Carnie.”
I nodded. “Me too.”
Ten hours later, after waking up and moving my throbbing head off the pillow and taking four more Advil, I sat next to Shane as he drove his speedboat over the smooth waters of Tampa Bay. The sun was bright, and I’d had to borrow a pair of sunglasses to actually be able to look out. It was just the two of us; Bruce still slept, or was just starting to come out of the stupor that I was beginning to think was a normal part of his life.
Shane talked about buying the speedboat and what he and Tracy wanted to do. Never once did I feel as tho
ugh he was bragging. He could be sitting in a rowboat talking with the same energy and excitement. Shane was just one of those guys who was always up and high on life.
He paused. “How you feeling?”
“Groggy. Probably a lot like Bruce does. But one of us got socked in the back of his head.”
“I’m sorry, man.”
“You should be. I mean, I know you deliberately had someone outside ready to assault me.”
Shane laughed. “Still—”
“Maybe it was just some random stranger. But I doubt it.”
“You think it’s to do with Alec?”
“Probably.”
“Maybe it was Alec,” Shane said.
“That’d be ironic, huh?”
“Why wouldn’t he want you to find him?”
“I don’t know.” But I had some ideas. “Can I ask you a question? And ask you to be totally honest with me?”
“Sure.”
Shane slowed the boat down so we could hear each other, and eventually brought it to a stop. We floated gently in the middle of the bay, boats occasionally passing by. In the distance was a large and busy bridge that headed toward downtown Jacksonville.
“Do you know what really happened during spring break?” I asked.
Shane shook his head, his eyes hidden behind sunglasses. “I was more wasted than you that night. We were all bombed out of our minds.”
“I think we were all nervous.”
“Because of what?” Shane asked.
“Because of what we were thinking about doing. Because of what we did.”
Shane stood up and leaned against the side of the boat. “I never knew exactly what happened. I always thought …”
“What?”
“I thought you knew but didn’t want to say.”
“The longer time goes by, the less I seem to know. Bruce acts like he doesn’t remember anything about it. I don’t know. Maybe I knew more back then. I always thought—I assumed Carnie knew everything.”
“Alec knew everything too. I think Alec was the one behind everything.”
“You think that’s why he disappeared?” I asked.
“What I really think is that I never really truly knew Alec. But who did? You know? You think you know the guys around you, but college is so different. You have these real intense friendships for a few years, and then they’re all gone. Like that. It’s weird.”
“Things would’ve been different if—if everything hadn’t happened.”
“If Brian hadn’t come along,” Shane added, saying what I couldn’t bring myself to say.
“Then Alec disappearing. And Carnie.”
“Yeah.”
“You know, Alec called me not long ago—actually last New Year’s Eve. He told me that Carnie never meant for any of this to happen. That Carnie was the guilty one. That he wanted me to know—but he was never able to tell me.”
“That’s coming from Alec,” Shane said.
“Yeah? So?”
“I never trusted Alec. I loved the guy and had a lot of fun with him. But I never trusted him.”
“I thought I did,” I said. “Once.”
The boat bobbed back and forth. For a moment I just sat in silence, looking at Shane.
“You want to stick around here for a while? Hang out in Jacksonville for a few days?”
“What about my traveling partner?”
“He can sleep in the boat,” Shane joked.
“It’s tempting. But no—I really need to see the other guys. They’ll say the same thing you’re saying. I’m sure they don’t know anything.”
Shane looked at me hesitantly.
“What?”
“Why are you doing this?” he asked.
I could have just said I needed the job and the money. It was true. But it was more than that, and I think he knew it.
“Maybe it’s because I never had that final conversation with Alec that I needed to have. We never had our good-bye.”
“But what would that accomplish?”
“I don’t know. But I think I’ve waited long enough—maybe too long—to ever try.”
“You can’t bring Carnie back, man. You can’t change anything.”
I stared off at the dark blue waters and the bridge in the background.
“Yeah. But I can finally learn why he killed himself.”
FIFTEEN
March 1994
CHAPEL WAS EVERY THURSDAY morning, and students were encouraged to go. Jake never did. He had only been in the building three times for large campus gatherings.
The renovation to Vermuelen Chapel was completed a year before he came to Providence. The gothic tower was once the main part of a church built in the early 1900s. A family close to the college had renovated it and added on a building with a modern-day theater inside, with stadium seating in three different sections and a balcony overhead.
This afternoon, he sat alone in a shadowed sea of chairs while play practice took place. Alyssa was a codirector; the play was something an English grad had written that didn’t make any sense. It was about waiting for God and featured a bunch of characters sitting around doing nothing but talking and theorizing.
Jake watched the back of Alyssa’s head. She’d asked him to meet her here. He was early, but he had nothing else to do.
After the small cast and crew broke, Alyssa found Jake in the auditorium. She walked over and sat down beside him, letting out a tired sigh.
“Sorry we went late.”
“That was—interesting?”
Alyssa rolled her eyes, almost in agreement. “I wanted to do a different play. But they had to go with Chuck’s.”
“What’s it about?”
“Providence. Fate, chance, divine intervention. You know, because we go to Providence.”
“Ah. What’s it called? Let me guess. Uh, Providence?”
Alyssa laughed and shook her head. “No. Actually, it’s called Waiting For Tomorrow.”
“Interesting.”
“How’s the hand?”
Jake lifted his right hand, half wrapped in gauze and bandages that covered a splint.
“They had to re-break the bone to straighten it out.”
“Does it hurt?” she asked.
“I’m taking lots of medication.”
“Really?”
“Yeah. Bud Light. Tequila. Jack Daniels. They’re really good, you should try them.”
“That’s why you broke your hand in the first place.”
Jake looked at the earnestness on her face. “I told you—I had a fight.”
“With whom?”
“With a big fat door. I think it was solid oak.”
“Smart.”
“Yeah, well—I lost,” Jake said.
“What’d your parents say?”
“I just made up some lame excuse. You know—part of me thinks that the less they know, the less they’ll care.”
“They’re paying your way through college.”
“Well—they don’t want their only son to be a bum, do they? My sister was the role model, and she stayed out of trouble in college, so they figure I’ll turn out like her. I’ve been making decent grades, and I haven’t been expelled yet, so that’s all that matters.”
Alyssa gave Jake a look that surprised him.
“Hey—don’t do that.”
“Don’t do what?” Alyssa said.
“I hate looks like that.”
“Like what?”
“Like you’re staring at a kid who’s lost his parents in a department store.”
“No, I’m not.”
“You don’t have to pity me just because I broke my hand.”
“Pity is a strong word. And if I do—it’s not because of your broken hand.”
“Then what is it?”
“Jake, I’m worried about you.”
“Oh, no. Is this why you brought me in here? To the chapel? To have an intervention?”
“No,” Alyssa said, a smile coming on her lips
.
“What then?”
“When is it going to stop?”
“What?”
“The partying. The craziness.”
Jake found her comments ironic. “Tell me something.”
“What?” the beautiful girl next to him asked.
“Why is it that you’re so interested in me straightening up, but you’re not interested in dating me?”
“The two go together.”
“Ah,” Jake said, doing his own acting for dramatic effect. “So if I suddenly stopped the partying and all that, you’d go out with me?”
“I don’t want you to stop because of me.”
“I don’t think I would.”
“Do you ever think about the big picture?”
“What? Life, the universe, the hereafter? Sure.”
“It doesn’t seem like you do.”
Jake couldn’t help thinking how much he wanted to kiss her. “College kids need to have fun. We have the rest of our lives to grow up.”
“Do you ever worry about the mistakes you’ve made?”
“Like breaking my hand?”
“No, like breaking the rules.”
“You’ve been working in that dean’s office too long,” he said.
“I’m not talking about the college’s rules.”
He let out a sigh and shook his head. “Alyssa, come on.
You’re not one of those holier-than-thou people.”
“I’m not trying to be,” she replied.
“I don’t see why God would care in the least about me having some beers with a few friends.”
“You make it sound so innocent.”
“It is,” Jake said, louder than he should have.
“Your right hand is in a cast. Because you hit a door. That’s not so innocent.”
“I hurt myself.”
“What happens when you hurt someone else?”
“Oh, man. What? When I get behind the wheel and crash into someone? Come on. I’m not an idiot.”
“Yes, you are.”
Jake laughed. “Thank you. I needed to hear that. Is that my affirmation of the day?”
“Don’t you think about tomorrow?”
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