by Emilia Finn
“Are you sure about this?” Her brows pull together; she’s still my older cousin, she’s still in mother mode. “He wasn’t your boyfriend. He was just…” She pauses. “He was just your hook-up, ya know? Then you fought and broke up. You don’t have to visit him. You don’t have to–”
“I want to.” I study Nacho’s frilly pink harness and watch her lashes flutter. “I really want to see him. I can’t eat since you told me. I feel sick. He’s my friend, Linds. No matter what we were – hook-up, fuck buddies, broke up – I care that he’s okay. I want to see him.”
A little over an hour after rolling out of the airport parking lot and navigating the crappy city traffic, Lindsi pulls into the small town hospital parking lot and tugs the handbrake up. “You’re definitely sure?”
I nod. “Are the kids inside?”
“Yeah. Oz wanted to visit with Riley, but he didn’t want the kids to have to sit in the car half the day while I drove in to get you, so he said they could hang with him.”
“Okay…” Unbuckling my belt, I leave my handbag and most of its contents on the floor, then I push out of the car with a groan and tuck Nacho into her satchel and slip it over my shoulder. It’s dark and cozy; it’s her favorite place to be. When Lindsi looks at me, I shrug. “I can’t leave her in the car, so I’ll let Livi hold her for a minute.”
“Why’d you buy a pig, Andi?” She closes her door and locks the car. Walking around to my side, she hooks her arm in mine and leads me forward. “Why? You don’t do pets. Especially not the kind that live for twenty years. Why didn’t you just get a goldfish?”
Pigs live for twenty years? “I’m trying to be more responsible. I’m putting down the kind of roots that mean I can’t just up and run off to Barbados for the weekend just because it sounds like fun.”
Her eyes widen with disbelief. “You adopted a pig to show Riley you can commit?”
“No!” Embarrassed, angry, thoroughly annoyed with myself, I allow myself to be led through the automatic front doors and into the hospital waiting room. Lindsi knows where to go, which doors to use, which floors to catch the elevator to, so I follow and try my best to pretend my satchel is a purse and not a pig sanctuary. “I adopted her to show myself I could commit. It’s time to grow the hell up and stop hurting people just because partying sounds like fun. I hurt Riley because I was being dumb. It didn’t have to go down that way.”
She lets out a sad sigh and rubs my arm. “This isn’t your fault, you know? This was just–”
“Aunt Andi!” Ben shouts across the hospital waiting room and draws several sets of eyes. Pasting on a smile that’s equal parts fake and real, I stop where I am and prepare for Ben and Livi’s strong hugs. Rushing forward on heavy feet, Benny throws meaty arms around my shoulders and bows my body until my vertebrae want to pop out of place. He’s a fighter now, in the gym his mom works in every day, and being trained by the best in the business. He’s not a toddler anymore, but almost two-hundred pounds of fighter muscle nearing manhood. Leaning back with a handsome smile and twinkling blue eyes, he drops a kiss on my cheek and squeezes me a second time. “I missed you so much.”
“I missed you too, baby.” I reach up and cup his handsome face. If I look really close, squeeze with my fingertips, I might still find a little baby fat under the muscle. “I swear, it’s been less than a month, but you’ve grown since I last saw you.” I lean in and kiss the top of Livi’s raven hair when she pushes her way between me and her brother. “I missed you, baby girl. You have no clue how much I miss you every time I have to go home.”
“Andi.” Oz steps up next and pulls me into an awkward side hug that results in frantic squeals from my satchel. Oz jumps back like Nacho bit him, then leans in again when I open the top of the bag. Smiling, he rubs a heavy hand over the stubble on his jaw and shakes his head. “What the fuck did you do, Andi?”
Ignoring him, I cup my niece’s face and smile. “Livi, baby, this is Nacho. Can you look after her for a minute while I visit with Officer Cruz? You don’t have to do anything. Just cuddle her for a bit, but don’t let her out of the bag. Don’t pass her around; it’ll scare her.”
“Okay!” Livi reaches out with impatience. “Hi Nacho.” She accepts the bag the way someone would accept a newborn baby. Turning on her heels, she passes her curious brother and moves back to the plastic seats with soft whispers and bubbly baby talk.
“Andi…” Oz’s voice is deep and authoritative. He’s got his police voice on. “I’m not sure this is a good idea.”
“Nacho? She won’t get underfoot, I promise. She just eats, then sleeps in her bag. She’s litter trained, so you don’t have to worry about that. She sometimes chews things she shouldn’t, but I’ll keep her busy and away from your electrical cords. I’ll keep her quiet, I swear.”
“Not Nacho.” Frowning, he digs his hands into his pockets. “Seeing Riley isn’t a good idea. You shouldn’t be here.
“Why does everyone keep saying that?” I look from his eyes, to Lindsi’s, then back to his. “I mean, we fought, but it wasn’t a massive fight. It was just silly stuff. Stuff! – I’ll remind you – we’ve fought about before.” I paste on my most convincing smile. “We always argue; it’s our thing. It’s like our foreplay. It’s not like I called his mother fat or anything.”
“Fuck!” Oz turns into Lindsi and bites off a thousand more curses. “His mom, Angel. His fuckin’ mom! I completely forgot about her.”
“We’ll take care of it.” She takes his hand to settle the waver in his voice. Clasping it between both of hers, she presses them to her chest and waits for his puffed chest to relax. “She’s at Lakeview, so as soon as we leave here, we’ll head over.” Her eyes come to mine. “I don’t normally have to worry about you, Andi. We didn’t talk in almost a whole month because we got busy, but the whole time, I didn’t have to worry about you. Seeing Riley…” She shakes her head. “It probably won’t go well, and it’s my job to protect you from this. You need to be prepared.”
What’s wrong with him? What did I do that deserves this worry from Oz and Lindsi?
My poor heart slams in my chest until I have to push it back or risk it breaking through the skin. I can’t take the mystery any longer, I can’t deal with the nerves skittering through the room. I was always the one who pushed boundaries; the one who’d go on the rides bigger than her age allowed, the one to climb the highest trees, or sneak into clubs when she was still a teen. I knew cops long before Oscar Franks, and not all of them thought I was funny.
Taking a step to my left, I watch Oz’s eyes when they flare. Another step, and his nostrils move and telegraph his intentions to tackle me if I dare disobey his orders. I take a third step that basically confirms his suspicions, and when a door opens halfway down the hall and Alex steps out with his wife under his arm, I take my chance and run. Oz reaches out to stop me, but I pull my arm from his grasp, zoom past Alex at a sprint, and duck under a doctor’s arms when he follows them out.
Sliding into a bright white hospital room, I stop with heaving lungs and pull in a deep breath at the sight of a whole other man lying in the hospital bed.
Dark hair.
Green eyes.
Muscular chest, though it’s smaller than I remember.
Riley Cruz – baby faced Riley – stares back at me as shock, disbelief, wariness all pass through his eyes. He’s the man I know, but he’s different, too. He’s aged. Shadows bruise beneath his heavy eyes, firm set lips, week old stubble on his jaw. In the twenty seconds I stand in this room, Riley’s wariness turns to something much darker, something absolutely poisonous until his stare says he’d like me to burst into flames and melt into a screaming mass of pain.
In all the time I’ve known him, Riley has watched me with challenging eyes, or doting eyes, sexy eyes, or exasperated eyes, but not once with eyes that wish death upon me.
Today, he stares with eyes of pure, unfiltered hatred.
Words clog in my throat, choke me, and make my legs shake
, because despite the fact there’s a very real chance he might hate me, I’m consumed by the sight of this strong man in a hospital bed.
White bandaging peeks from behind a hospital gown, makes me sick to my stomach, and plants a deep yearning in my heart to have been here since day one. I want to be able to take care of him. To show him my feelings, to show I can have feelings for a man and not panic about them. It’s my job to help him in his time of need, and though he’s needed me for three weeks, I was on the other side of the country.
“Riley…?” I take a step forward on jelly legs and restrain myself when I really want to climb into his bed and kiss away his pain. I could do that. I could climb in, slide my legs between his, and lay my head on his chest. I could slide my fingertips over his heart to remind us both that he’s okay and I’m ready to be a grown-up.
He was hurt in the line of duty, but he’s okay. He’s right here in front of me, so I have nothing to worry about. Everything will be fine, just as soon as he stops murdering me with a glare. “Hey.” I’m disgusted with the quiver in my voice. “Are you okay?”
He watches me for the longest minute. Quite possibly the longest minute of my life. He studies my shoes, my jeans, my belly, then back to my eyes. His Adams apple bobs, and his eyes wage a silent war. He wants to say so much, he wants to speak his feelings – even if they’re mean – but he holds it in. He refuses to voice whatever is fueling his fire until, startling me, he snaps his arm straight and points to the door. “Fuck off, Andi.” He grabs the nurse call remote and crushes the giant red emergency button. “Security’s coming. They’ll remove you, and I don’t want you to come back here again.”
“Riley…?” His words are mean, but his voice is robotic as he reigns in whatever else he wants to say. “No, I’m not leaving. I just got here.” I take another step forward, which only increases the strength with which he crushes his emergency call button. “Riley, stop. Please, just–”
I spin with a hand on my heart when the door slams open and bounces off the wall.
Oz and Alex fly into the room – cops, or family? – then two fresh faced nurses follow on their heels. Turning back to Riley with disbelief that this is really happening, that I’m really being thrown out of his hospital room, I study him from the blue and white hospital gown covering most of his chest, to the waffle blankets covering his legs. From the identification bracelet that wraps around his wrist and proves the man I considered invincible is just as human as the rest of us, to the plastic urinal sitting on the bedside table; empty, but wet like it was rinsed not so long ago.
“I only just heard yesterday. I wasn’t avoiding you. As soon as Lindsi told me you got hurt, I came right over.” I step forward with a pathetically quivering lip. “First flight, I swear.” I’m not an easily spooked woman. I’m rarely scared, never shy, and I never listen. So despite his vehement request that I fuck right off, today won’t be the day I start using my ears. Moving around the far side of his bed while pretending my knees aren’t knocking together, I ignore the plastic bottle on the bedside table, the half-consumed bottle of orange juice, the unread newspapers… the cellphone that sits close enough I know he could have answered me.
He chose not to.
“Riley.” With my heart in my throat, I reach forward and take his fisted hand. It remains rock hard, veined, and unrelenting even when I stroke my thumb over his wrist. “What happened to you? I’ve missed you for weeks, I tried to call you a billion times, but no one told me you got hurt.”
He looks over me, past me, through me like I don’t exist. His indifference stings, it sears my nerve endings and brings burning tears to the backs of my eyes. “Remove her, X. Now. Then I want the hospital made aware of my wishes.”
“Riley? No.” My tears spill over. “I’m here to see you. Don’t toss me out.”
“Now,” he grits through clenched teeth. “Get her the fuck out now before I get up and remove her myself.”
Oz steps forward, like I’m his responsibility, since I belong to Lindsi. “Time to go, Andi.”
“No!” I twist out of his hold and turn back. “I don’t want to go! Why aren’t you listening to me? I came here to see you; what did I do that was so awful that I deserve to be kicked out?”
“Get her out!” he roars. It’s so loud, my ears ring and spittle flies from Riley’s mouth. But that’s fine, because I can shout, too. I can step up and demand attention; I’ve been doing it all my life.
“Why am I the villain here?” I fight Oz’s hands and stare directly into eyes that I was so sure I’d stupidly fallen in love with at some point this year. If Riley thinks he can cut the cord now that he stole my heart, then he has another thing coming – in the shape of a baseball bat and a reminder that he can’t hurt me like that. If I’m going to be stupid enough to give my heart away, then he sure as shit better be there with a pillow of feathers to hold it with. “Sure, I was a dick to you last time we spoke, but hell, I’m a dick to loads of people. It might have warranted a weekend of cold shoulder, not three weeks and a physical removal from your hospital room. What the fuck, Cruz?” I smack Oz’s hands away, and kick when he just won’t stop. “What? What’s the problem?”
“Get her out!” Riley throws his arm out like I don’t know the direction of the exit. His blankets shift with his movements, lowers, and moves again when his legs move. “Remove her. I’m talking to the cops, not my friends. I’m making a formal request to keep her away from me and my properties.”
“Riley?” Anger. Heartbreak. Fury. Devastation. It all swirls together and hurts when I focus on the ice in his eyes. From a fiery rage, to icy cold detachment; the ice hurts so much more. Tears slide over my cheek and make me feel dumb. I don’t cry for boys, but here I am, missing a heart, but granted tears and shaking legs. “Why are you doing this? I just wanted to say hello. I wanted to check in and make sure you’re okay.”
I have half a second to wonder if he changed his mind, if my tears unlocked whatever wall he’s hiding behind. When he reaches out for me, I go and prepare to be engulfed by an all-consuming hug and told everything is okay. My heart unclenches and prepares to climb onto his bed for the hug I’ve been wanting for weeks, but my fantasies are quashed when his hand clutches to the collar of my shirt and squeezes until he cuts off my air.
Leaning forward with rage and pain swirling in his eyes, Riley’s teeth snap just two inches from my face. “Get the fuck out, Andi. Get back on a plane, and never come back here again. I’m done with you. I never want to see you again.” He shoves me away so hard, I slam against Oz’s broad chest and almost lose my footing.
Ben pushes into the room – my savior, my hero – and steamrolls to my side of the bed like he’s willing to beat Riley to defend my honor. On a string of curses and swinging fists, Alex pulls Ben back. My nephew fights the police of chief for me, but there’s nothing I can do to stop it, because Oz pulls me back with just as much steam as his boss.
Riley’s nurses push forward to help their patient. They fight his batting hands and attempt to fix his blankets. They’re just trying to tidy the mess he made when he shoved me away, but he refuses their help and fights them off. Their fussing hands enrage him, but the brunt of his anger remains all mine as he watches Oz drag me toward the door.
Before today, I could have sworn Riley would protect me from anything. I would have sworn he’d step in front of danger and make it so I never have to know pain. But he watches me now, he watches Oz’s rough hands and my screeching to be let free, and he does nothing to make it all better.
Fighting Oz’s hold, I twist away a second time – because I’m a glutton for punishment, and I’m not done with Riley yet – but though Oz got me over the threshold and into the hall, though the door attempts to swing closed and block my way, I still see Riley.
I still see the rage in his eyes.
But worse, so much worse, I see the young nurse fluff his blankets and show me something that I’ll never be able to un-see.
Somethin
g that can never be fixed.
Struck dumb, waves crash in my head as I stand at the door and watch Riley’s gaze swing back to mine. No anger this time, but pure heartbreak passes through his beautiful eyes when the fluffing nurse moves his blankets too far and reveals his leg.
Leg. One. Singular.
Tears well in Riley’s eyes. Insecurity, fear, helplessness; they coalesce until big, strong, badass-with-a-baby-face Riley cries right in front of my eyes and bile rises in my throat.
“Andi.” Oz’s strong hands take my arms. “It’s time to go.”
I don’t fight him anymore. Riley wants me gone, and I need to leave before I make this worse for him. Spinning out of Oz’s hold, I escape the room half blind from tears and skid on the smooth floors. My sneakers squeak against linoleum as I race past my family in the waiting room. Past the thirty plastic chairs, past vending machines, past a nurse’s desk, empty now because they’re in the room with Riley. I blindly sprint the halls, and take a sharp left when I find a public bathroom. Pushing inside and slamming the door with a cry, I stop at the sink and flip the taps on with shaking hands.
I never cry, especially not over boys, but I cry for Riley today. I cry for the hurt in his eyes, and for the worry in his heart. I cry because he’ll never be the same again, and I cry because his pain hurts me. I cry so hard, I blow snot bubbles from my nose.
Splashing icy cold water onto my skin and inhaling more than I should, I spin when the door creaks open.
“Andi?”
“His leg, Lindsi!” I step forward with balled fists and prepare to fight for him. I’ll fight anyone. Any time. Whoever I need to fight to fix this for him. “What the fuck happened to his leg? Why didn’t you tell me?”