by Emilia Finn
“There’s nothing you don’t know,” he murmurs. “Leg. Shot. Hospital. Coming home day after tomorrow. Now tell me your secrets. I see them in your eyes.”
“I’m sleeping at Riley’s tonight.” Before he can argue, I turn and start loading the dishwasher. “I spent the afternoon at his house cleaning and getting it ready for his homecoming. I have a lot to do in the next thirty-six or so hours, so I can’t waste that time sleeping here.”
“I’ll come with you. Sit in the cruiser out front.”
I roll my eyes. “It’s a house in the middle of suburbia. I live in the city with a shitty front door that may as well be made of wet cardboard. If you’re ever gonna worry, do it when I’m there.”
“Oh great,” he scoffs. “Now I’ll worry when you’re home, too.”
Laughing, I load the empty glasses into the dishwasher. “I’m a big girl, and I haven’t had parental supervision since Benny was living with me. Oh, and I’ve gotta get Riley’s cat in to see a vet.”
Oz’s eyes pop wide. “Riley has a cat?”
“Yeah, and she’s been all alone for three weeks. I think her tail is broken, and though she had food and drank out of the toilet, I want to have her checked over. I can’t let Riley come home to a dying cat.”
Suspicious, he watches me through narrowed eyes and dries his hands on a towel. “How could you possibly know his cat has a broken tail? How do you know she drank from the toilet?”
I flash my most convincing smile and slam the dishwasher closed. “Do the words break and enter mean anything to you?”
“Jesus.” He throws his hands up with exasperation. “He didn’t want you around, Andi! He didn’t want you in his hospital room, so what do you think he’s gonna say when he finds out you broke into his house?” Oz presses his thumbs into his eyes and groans. “You’re so much trouble, Andi. I swear, more trouble than you’re worth.”
“Thanks, deputy.” I roll my eyes and step away. “Now you know what’s going on, so keep your wife and son on a leash. I can’t have Ben staking out the rookie’s house and freaking everyone out. You know where I’ll be, you know I’ll be safe.”
He lets out a long sigh. “You’re leaving now?”
I nod and head back toward the dining room. “In a minute. I’ve got lots to do, and lots of DIY videos to watch so I know how to do it. I also have a scared cat to coax out of Riley’s closet. She’s gonna tear strips off my skin, I just know she will.” I step up to the table and pull my cousin into my arms. “Love you.”
“Oh God.” She doesn’t pull me close the way she’s supposed to. Instead, she holds me at arm’s reach and stares into my eyes. “What did you do? What’s wrong?”
I laugh. “Why do you assume I did something wrong? I’m a good person!”
“You’re a pain in my ass, and because you were talking to the cops in the kitchen, then you come here and tell me you love me.”
“I was talking to your husband!”
“In this case, he’s the cops. You think I don’t know he was checking in on your plans before you broke the news to me?”
Livi and Ben watch us with narrowed eyes. Livi’s are curious. Benny’s… not so much.
“Fine. I’m not staying here tonight. Happy?”
She drops her hands to her hips. “No! I’m not happy. Where are you staying?”
“I’m staying at Riley’s place.” I shoot a pointed finger toward a reddening Ben. “Cruz isn’t even there, so stop your shit and breathe. He’s coming home to a regular house, but he’s gonna need modifications. Hand rails, no rugs, that sort of stuff. I have a day and a half to get it done, and no one’s tantrums and shitty behavior will change my mind. I’ll drop in again tomorrow to see you guys. Nacho will wanna see Livi again.” I step away from Lindsi and go to Ben. He remains in his chair, not at all relaxed after the delicious dinner he prepared. I drop a kiss on the crown of his head, then press my cheek to his. “I’ll see you tomorrow, baby. Don’t stress so much. It’s not good for your health.”
“Let me come with you. I’ll sleep on the couch and help you with your jobs.”
“No.” I pat his chest and move on. “It’s already pretty bad that I broke in and helped myself to a cop’s house. I can’t let you become my accomplice.”
“Broke in?” Lindsi demands. “Dammit, Andi!”
“Well it’s not like he gave me his keys during all the shouting! Trust me, he’ll thank me one day.” Probably not this year – or even this decade – but one day he’ll be thankful he didn’t come home to the mess I discovered today. “The window was open, so I didn’t break. I just entered.”
I hug Livi from behind, pressing my cheek to hers the way I did Ben. “I love you, sweet princess. I’ll see you in the morning.”
“Can Nacho stay here tonight?”
I’ve been replaced by a mini pig. “No, sweetheart. She has to stay with me, but I’ll be back.” I collect the fifteen pounds of squeaking fat and tuck her against my chest. “Sweet dreams, guys. I’ll be back before you know it.”
“Let me drive with you.” Standing, Ben pushes his chair back and walks to the kitchen to grab his sneakers. “Just to make sure you get there safe.”
“Ah, honey that would be counterproductive. You can’t drive back, so then I’d have to drive you back. Then you’d insist on driving with me again, and we’ll find ourselves in a loop we can’t break until one day, we die of exhaust fumes.”
His lips quirk up handsomely and show me the man he’s growing into. “You’re being dumb. I’ll drive with you, get you inside, then I’ll run home.” He turns to Oz and Lindsi. “It’s only eight o’clock, and it’ll take twenty minutes to run home. We run further in the mornings.”
“Alright.” Lindsi moves past and squeezes her son’s shoulder. “Straight there, straight home. Don’t get arrested again.”
“Mom! You know Alex does it on purpose. He plants shit in my pockets, then just so happens to find them right away. They’re not real arrests.”
I smile when Oz taps the back of Ben’s head and moves into the kitchen.
“How many arrests you got on your record, kid?”
He rolls his eyes. “Like, two legit arrests, one of which was that culo in the kitchen. Plus three-hundred fakes. Pretty sure X gets off on throwing me in the back of his cruiser. I swear, he waits outside the school and throws me into the car just because he can.”
“He does.” Oz stops back by the table with a bottle of orange Gatorade. “You just ate pasta, which means you’re gonna ralph it up again while running. Drink some of this. And yes, Alex has set his watch for the school bell. He waits for you because he thinks it’s funny as shit.”
Ben turns to his mother. “See! Steal a guy’s best friend once, and you’re paying for it for the rest of your life.” He finishes with one shoe, then goes to work on the second. “I’ll go straight there, straight back. I promise.”
I drove Lindsi’s car across town – since Oz needs his truck back for work – and let Ben out at the front of Riley’s house. He stared for five long minutes, as though suspicious that Riley is actually inside and this was a massive ruse just to punk him.
But once I crossed the new ramp at the front of the house and unlocked the front door, when I stood at the threshold and stared into sparkling eyes while he stood in the dark and watched me, he finally took a step back, then another. Then he turned on his sneakers and jogged away.
I set my alarm to call the house thirty minutes later to make sure he got home safe – he did – so now I find myself walking around Riley’s sparkling home and questioning if it really was as filthy as I recall earlier today.
You’d never know it was trashed and stinky. You’d never know the fridge stank. Or the blinds were pulled down.
But the truth cannot be denied as I move to the master bedroom with Nacho close on my heels. Bending low, I find Ninja exactly where she was when I left. Bent tail and scared eyes. She’s the proof I need that this whole fucking nightmare is
actually real.
The house really was trashed.
The cat’s tail really does hurt.
And Riley really is in the hospital with a lot of anger pointing right at me.
“Gonna come out yet, Ninja?” I lower to my knees and elbows and rest my chin on Riley’s pile of jeans. “Gonna come out, baby?” Nacho squeezes between my chest and the floor. She gives happy little snorts, which draws Ninja’s attention, but still, she remains put.
Sighing when she doesn’t come out, I stand and leave the closet, but despair moves to hope when I find new paw prints on the laundry floor. Ninja used the litter box while we were gone. She came out to eat the little bowl of gravy and chicken mix I left for her, then she used the bathroom and didn’t do it in the closet.
Good enough.
Grabbing a bottle of water from the newly cleaned fridge, I move back into the hall and stop in the guest bedroom. Stepping from hardwood onto plush carpet is a luxury I didn’t realize I needed in this moment. When it’s cold and dark outside and the guy your heart races for kind of hates your guts, it’s the small luxuries that seem to make the biggest impact. Peeling my socks off and leaving them by the door, I dig my toes into the thick carpet and study the piles of plastic bags tossed haphazardly on the bed.
Curious, I pull things from random bags and frown. Handrails. Double sided tape, and Velcro dots. Even a ‘grabber’ on a long stick, to pick things up off the floor or off high shelves. I pull out a long plastic package with steel tubes inside, and a picture of a toilet on the packaging… handles for the toilet? A handheld showerhead to replace the one in his bathroom sits in a white and blue box. And a shower chair in another, larger box leans against the bed and awaits assembly.
I look at the dozens of bags, mentally tallying the insane amount of money spent, then I make a plan to call Bobby and Jack tomorrow to thank them, because I’m pretty sure this was their doing. And I’m pretty sure it cost a small fortune.
I’ll be working a long time to pay these people back; their time, their money, their work, and kindness. But I’m not too proud to accept these things. I was coming here to make a list of everything Riley would need, so I could get an early start tomorrow and start shopping, but because of their generosity, I move straight back to Riley’s room and blatantly help myself to one of his shirts.
His anger today says he wouldn’t be okay with this. Not only wouldn’t he be happy with me walking around his house in his shirt, but he’d probably want to yell at me some more and remind me of the hatred I’m not sure I deserve.
But he’s not here tonight, so he doesn’t ever have to know I wanted a hug so damn much, I’ll settle with smelling his shirt. Stripping down to my panties and tossing my jeans aside, I pull the cotton shirt on and stand for a moment in the heady scent of his cologne and man smell.
Nacho sits at the closet and chatters with the silent Ninja, but she’s happy, and Ninja isn’t complaining, so I leave them and go back to the guest bedroom to decide where to start.
Bathroom.
I think I’ll start with the bathroom, since being able to pee and shower under his own power will be important. I grab the packages with all the railings and handles, then move to the kitchen. I noticed while cleaning today that Riley keeps a small stash of tools under the sink, so I grab the things I need – screwdriver, wrench, Allen keys – grab the boxed shower seat on the way back through the hall, then I dump everything in the master bathroom and get started.
The guest bathroom has a bathtub. The master does not.
The shower in the guest bathroom is in the tub. The shower in the master is a straight walk in and out.
So I focus my efforts on the bathroom he’ll be using, and get to work switching out the showerhead and installing hand rails.
Eleven p.m. rolls around while I work on the rails.
Twelve, when I install the toilet handles.
I trip on the bathroom rug at one and toss it across the room on a cry of exhausted rage.
And at two, I tug the toilet seat out of the box, but give up halfway when I lose the screws and can’t for the life of me find them with both eyes malfunctioning.
Walking away from the chaos and closing the door with my eyes already mostly shut, I bypass the bed I want to sleep in, move along the lonely hall, and shove the bags off the guest bed with a sigh. Sensing its bedtime, Nacho leaves the closet and follows me into the room, snorting her demands until I let her up onto the bed, then she burrows under the pillows until I give up on scolding her.
I don’t even care, because I want a warm body and a heartbeat in my bed, even if she’s just a pig.
Closing my eyes, I will away my tears, and beg for the nightmares that sit at the edge of my foggy brain not to come. Crying, because I haven’t given myself a chance to truly grieve since seeing Riley, I slide my hand under the spare pillow and scratch Nacho’s belly to ground myself. I don’t think of hospitals, or bullets, or missing legs. And I especially don’t think of the tears I saw in Riley’s eyes when he demanded I leave and never return.
And yet, I dream of him. At the lake. At the diner. In this very house, but in a much more comfortable bed. Back when he’d smile at me, tease me, tempt me back into his lair. I dream of making love to him the way he showed me it could be done; sweet, slow, gentle, and so fucking nice. Then I imagine him doing that, but with the remains of a shredded leg and potent anger in his eyes while he strangles me with my own shirt collar.
Four hours after lying down, I wake with tears on my cheek, but with a plan to get things done. Sliding off the edge of the tall bed, my toes touch the plush carpet and remind me to be happy for the small things.
Still in panties and his shirt, I shuffle along the hall with wild hair and a racing heart. I don’t talk myself down from crying for him, because who knows how many chances I’ll get to be with his things, in his home, and be able to cry without someone being weird about it? I’m allowed to feel what I feel, especially when it’s just me and Nacho here, and especially when I think of him waking in that hospital room right now.
His leg won’t have grown back overnight, and I doubt his anger will have dissipated.
I’ll have to stop and act like everything is okay again. Soon, the troops will drop by, Ben will be on the front lawn checking in on me, so I have until then to let the tears fall. I allow that weakness, I allow myself time to grieve, but I don’t stop standing tall, and I don’t slink away from Riley’s bedroom at the top of the hall.
Stealing a pair of thick socks from the chest of drawers, I step back onto hardwood floors and head to the kitchen. I used to be an eight-hours-a-night kind of girl back before I met Riley, minimum, but my need to make his home safe trumps my ridiculous high-maintenance lifestyle, so I trip my way to the kitchen and mash the buttons on the coffee machine until it starts grinding and the scent of caffeine helps bring me back to reality.
I help myself to his kitchen the way I would Lindsi’s. I take a coffee mug down from the cabinet that boasts a police badge and his mocking rank in white writing. ‘ROOK.’ Then I move to the fridge and take out the milk.
Despite how thoroughly Kit scrubbed the fridge, it still holds a small tinge of rancid egg stench like the smell got into the plastic. It’s not awful, just present, but the coffee is still the most powerful force in the kitchen this morning, so whatever.
My feet smart at the cold floors, and my hair tickles my neck, tempting me to check a mirror.
I’m not ready to see how bad I look, so I don’t. I just drop the mug beneath the coffee spout and lean over the machine while it sputters and fills. Nacho didn’t follow me out of the room, so I don’t bother grabbing her breakfast yet. I wait for the machine to come to a grinding stop, and with a drop of milk and sugar, I toss the milk back into the fridge and move back into the hall. Shuffling past the guest bedroom and Nacho’s muted snores, I stop at Riley’s bedroom door and take a deep breath, because being in here makes me miss him with the deepest yearning I’ve eve
r felt for anything in my life.
More than I yearned for fun.
More than I yearned for my graduation.
More than I’ve ever yearned for Lindsi or the babies.
Riley came in and ruined everything, because he unknowingly stomped on everyone and pushed them down a step to make room for himself at the top of my pile.
I never agreed to falling in love. I never agreed to pushing my whole world down a step to make room for a man, but here we are; my heart jumped anyway.
Stopping by the closet with slow movements, I move down to my knees and meet Ninja’s wary eyes. The way she watches me makes me think she was waiting for me. Whether the coffee machine woke her, or my footsteps, whatever it was, she’s wide awake and watching me through eyes that say she’s in pain.
Luckily, it doesn’t smell in here.
Reaching an arm in, the grief that sits in my heart turns to a fast drum when she allows me to pat her ears. “We’re going to be just fine, aren’t we? I’ll give you a couple more hours, but then I’m going to need you to come out so we can visit the vet. I promise I won’t let the mean doctors hurt you.”
Standing again when Nacho’s nails on the hallway floor announce she’s awake, I move into the bathroom and find the package of screws sitting on the toilet seat. The screws I absolutely couldn’t find last night sit on the damn toilet seat and mock me.
“Yeah. Funny.” I look to the sky. “Thanks, universe.” I snatch up the stupid packet and tear them open. With a long chug of my coffee until I burn every last taste bud from my tongue, I set the mug on the sink and get to work finishing the chair.
5
Riley
Transfer
“Good morning, Mr. Cruz.” LeAnn – apparently that’s her name – my young nurse sashays into my room with a bright smile and too much perfume. She snaps open the curtains of what I’ve come to consider my fucking dungeon, and snags the piss bottle from my bedside table.