by Emilia Finn
I stand a foot from the end of the ramp and contemplate the one-inch step down. Such a small step, but it’s enough to keep me hostage. “Little help here, please?”
“Don’t help him, X. Let him figure his own shit out.”
“Fuck you, Andrea!”
Alex swings around with fire in his eyes. “Hey!”
“No, fuck you, Riley.” Angrily, Andi steps down the ramp and swings past me so fast, I wobble on my feet. Stopping two paces ahead of me, she waits for the inevitable – for me to fall. “You don’t get shit until you learn how to treat your friends. I said I was gonna take you! But no, you gotta be an asshole and call in the chief. So he drops whatever he was doing and comes here to help you. But no, you gotta be an asshole to him, too. So your options now, Mr. I-can-do-everything-myself, is to get your own ass off that ramp. Sit on your bottom and scooch. It’ll be fun to see your wet pants when you stand again.”
“Why the fuck are you here, Andi? You wanna see me suffer? You want me to beg? I just want to go to my fucking doctor’s appointment and get the fucking staples out of my fucking leg. I don’t want your help! Why can’t you grasp that?”
“Ohhhh, fucking, fucking, fucking.” Hands on her hips, she bobs her head and mocks me. “I’m a bitter asshole and I like to say fucking a lot. It doesn’t make you a badass, ya know!”
“I don’t wanna be a badass. I wanna be left alone!”
She grabs my coat and yanks me forward until I slam against her chest. My life practically flashes before my eyes as I imagine falling onto my stump and busting it all open. She’s strong, stronger than anyone gives her credit for, because she doesn’t falter. She doesn’t let me fall.
Her eyes, so fucking beautiful it hurts, blaze just an inch below mine. “You know what is badass, Cruz?” Her heart pounds against mine. “Taking a bullet for Jess and Laine Lenaghan. Stepping up to a bad man and protecting others. But your hero points are wearing off fast, because heroes don’t treat their friends like shit.” Using her strength, she pushes me back until I’m steady again. “You used to be a man a lot of others looked up to. They respected you, wanted to be you, wanted to be with you. But bullying ain’t sexy.” Stepping past me, she’s not shy when she slams her shoulder against mine. “Soon, you’ll be all alone, sitting in your stupid chair, while you play online sudoku with all your make-believe friends. And you’ll have no one to blame but yourself.”
I turn to watch her pass Alex. She presses a gentle hand to his forearm, but turns back to me. “You didn’t choose to get hurt, Riley.” Her eyes turn sad now. “You didn’t choose that, but you’re choosing to hurt us now. That makes you a coward, and it makes your sacrifices totally meaningless. Go.” She waves me off. “Go to your appointment. I genuinely hope it’s easy for you and doesn’t hurt. You might not give a shit about me, but I give a shit about you. I don’t want you to hurt.”
Shaking her head, she turns away and leaves me standing on the concrete walkway with my crutches under my arms and a racing heart.
“Girls like those don’t come along often, Rook.” Whistling under his breath, Alex moves down the ramp and opens the cruiser door. Leaning in, he pulls the lever so the seat rolls back as far as it’ll go to give me space. “Not everyone gets a girl that’ll fight for them the way she’s fighting for you. And trust me, just because she’s throwing herself at you now, doesn’t mean she’ll do it forever. Girls like that don’t stay down for long.”
“You don’t know what you’re talking about. Just shut up.” I hold onto the top of the door with one hand, and set my crutches against the shiny cruiser. Slowly, using muscles that’ve barely been used in a month, I squat on the one leg and shimmy into the passenger seat.
Alex holds my arm, and when I’m half sitting, he helps me lift again and position myself properly.
Before he goes, his eyes blaze near mine. “You’re picking the wrong battles. You’re fighting the wrong enemy. I know what you’re doing, and I know why, but we don’t hurt the ones we love. And I promise you, hurting her is going to be your biggest regret in life.”
Concentrating on my seatbelt, I avoid his eyes. “I don’t love her.”
He laughs. It’s a loud hoot that makes me jump in my seat. “Jesus, I must be going blind in my old age, ‘cause I swear, I’m looking at a man in love. It’s why she pisses you off so much; I can empathize, Rook. I really can.”
“Shut up. Can we just go?”
14
Andi
Visiting Raya
I stand against the wall inside Riley’s living room, peeking through the curtains with itchy eyes and a pounding heart. Alex helps Riley into the car, helps him get comfortable, then slams the door closed with a smile.
Everyone out there is all buddy-buddy and smiley, and I’m in here trying not to fucking cry because the jock is being mean to me again.
Nacho noses through the recycling, knocking bottles out and chewing on crinkly plastic. She does this every damn day, just to test me, since I’m obviously bored and don’t have enough to do.
As soon as the police cruiser pulls out of the driveway and disappears down the street, I finally take a breath and allow my body to crumble for just a moment. Sliding down the wall, I hug my knees and watch Nacho make a mess.
I don’t know what to do about Riley. I don’t know how to help him. I don’t know how to make him happy.
I thought he would get better with time, I figured he’d loosen up a little as he accepted what has happened and regains a little independence with his crutches.
If anything, he’s getting worse.
Each day I’m here seems to make him angrier, and I don’t know what to do with that.
A loud thump makes me jump, then a glass bottle rolls along the hard floor and bangs against the island counter. “Jesus. Nacho!” I stomp my foot, which results in a loud squeal and her bolting away, only to round the island counter and come right back to doing what she was doing – making a pest of herself. “Alright, fine. Nacho, come here.” Patting my knee, I stand up again and glance around for my bag and keys.
I have somewhere to be. A promise to keep. Sanity to maintain.
Running a hand through my wet hair in lieu of brushing it, I let out a long sigh and walk away from the wall to collect my pig pouch and wallet. “We’re going for a drive. You can come with me.”
Nacho is smart. She speaks English and follows commands – except for the whole stay out of the recycling thing. At my words, she darts into the hall and swan dives into the litter box. When she pees, it’s like a water hydrant being let off. She relieves herself and scratches around for a moment, then hopping out again and passing a quietly dignified Ninja, she leads me into our room so I can get a coat.
It’s freezing outside despite the sun being out, but dark clouds threaten a shitty night. A few hours from now, we’ll be holed up inside with the fire roaring, hot cocoa in a mug, maybe a chick flick on the TV, and probably Riley in his room while he ignores me.
Awesome.
I pull the zipper up on my coat, then swing Nacho’s bag over my shoulder. Picking her up and stuffing her inside, I smile when she goes to her happy place and snuggles in. “We’ll be back soon, Ninja.” I pass the watchful cat and move into the living room. “Don’t swing off the blinds. When we get home, I might take your bandages off.” I detour to the fridge and take out a glass container of cupcakes I’d prepared yesterday. Too bad one is now missing and messes with the aesthetics. Grabbing my keys from the hat rack, and sliding my cell into my back pocket, I swing out the front door and shiver at the cool breeze as it smacks my face.
“We’re going to see some friends, Nacho. Are you excited?”
She’s not that smart, so obviously she doesn’t answer me. But I know she’s excited. “When we get there, you have to be quiet. We’re sneaking you in.”
“Miss Conner!” I stop at the front desk of Lakeview and smile at the woman who’s nicer to me now that I’ve stopped by a handful of times in th
e past week. No longer as wary, her eyes drop to my hand – yup, I’m still wearing my fake engagement ring – then she waves me through. “Raya will be happy to see you today.”
“Awesome.” I lift my glass container and gently shake it. “I come with gifts.”
I know my way around now, and most of the staff recognize my face. Word has spread far enough that they all know what’s happened to Riley, but they’re polite enough not to ask. They only request that I pass on their best wishes, then they drop it.
I pass through door after door, then buzz the large security entrance that leads into Raya’s ward. I sign in when the doors slide open, then stop at her room and send a little prayer up into the universe. I shouldn’t care this much about a woman I hardly know. She’s a stranger in the street, and though she always welcomes me into her room, she never remembers who I am.
Each time I visit, we start from the start; I tell her my name, explain that I’m Riley’s friend, then we discuss how he’s so smart and handsome and on his way. She still thinks he’s at work.
Longest. Shift. Ever.
Knocking gently, I crack the door open and smile when I catch sight of her sitting on the edge of her bed. Not in a nightie today, but fancy sweatpants and a cardigan, she sits with her back bowed a little too deeply from bad posture, but her hair is set in a cute bun, and her lipstick brightens her face and eyes. “Good morning, Mrs. Cruz. How are you feeling today?”
“Andi.” Standing, she walks forward and brings tears to my eyes. She seemed so weak last time I was here, so forgetful. But today she knows my name and is dressed.
I set the glass container on her dressing table and take her hands. “You look amazing, Mrs. Cruz. You got a date today?”
She snickers – snickers! – and presses a sweet kiss to my cheek. “No, mija. But Riley will be here in a minute.” Her eyes light up and break my heart. Because they’re his eyes, and I’m not sure his will ever look at me with such glee ever again. “I wanted to look nice for him. He’s such a good boy, so I wanted to dress up.”
“You look so pretty.” Stepping back, I remember the satchel over my shoulder and smile. “I brought somebody for you to meet, but you can’t tell.” Every woman in the history of the world loves a good secret, even sick, forgetful women. So Raya squirms with excitement, then moves out of my way so I can sit on her bed. Raya gasps with excitement when I pull Nacho out.
If I can forget that she’s normally not well, and if I could forget that her son isn’t actually my fiancé, I could imagine we’re a couple girlfriends, visiting and catching up over cupcakes and coffee.
So I do that – I ignore reality for a bit and introduce Raya to Nacho. Taking her from my bag, I settle her in Raya’s lap and leave them for a moment while I go back to the dressing table to collect my cupcakes.
I made them yesterday, rainbow batter and rainbow icing, with the hopes they might brighten her day.
“I can’t believe you have a pig, Andi. She’s just the cutest little thing ever.”
“Ha. You should see her when she’s wearing a tutu. You don’t know cute butts until you’ve seen Nacho in a tutu.” Sitting on the bed, I crack open the container and extend my hand in offer. “I baked these just for you.”
“For me?” From doting on Nacho, to genuinely perplexed, Raya’s eyes widen. “You made me cupcakes?”
“Yes, ma’am. Riley’s shift is taking a little longer than we expected. So while we wait, I figured we could hang out and eat cake. Riley already had one; he loved it.” I assume. “And since Nacho was bored at home, she wanted to come for a visit.”
“Thank you so much.” Holding Nacho in her lap, she reaches into the container to select her own. “I don’t remember the last time I had a rainbow cupcake. Everything is so dignified here; we get fruit cake and tea, or triangle sandwiches for lunch. This is almost something you might find at a little girl’s birthday party.”
“That’s exactly what I was going for.” Smiling, I select one for myself, then set the container aside. “Dignified isn’t always the most fun, and it’s only cupcakes. So we’re having rainbows, and we’re going to enjoy them.”
“We sure are.” She takes a dainty bite – not at all like the bite Riley took last night. Cuddling Nacho to her chest, Raya’s eyes close and a silly little moan moves up her throat that would probably make her son blush. “It’s so good, Andi. It’s the best cake I’ve had in a long time.”
“Aw, thank you, Mrs. Cruz.” I peel the paper from mine and lick the icing from my fingers. “I pride myself on my baking skills. I can hardly cook, I burn almost everything, but baking…” I nod. “I can bake.”
“That’s why my Riley loves you.” She turns with a twinkle in her eyes. “My baby loves cake. You could buy my boy for a little sugar. Put a slice of cake inside a haunted house or on top of a mountain, he’ll still get it.”
I laugh to hide the way my heart splinters at her easily tossed around words. “He likes brownies, I know that much. But he’s more of a no sugar, no fat, high protein, no fun kinda guy.”
“No, mija. He eats those because he wants to be big and strong, but he enjoys sugar the most. He used to mix his cereal when he was a boy. Three different types in one bowl, because he liked the flavors.” Her smiling eyes meet mine. “Did you know that?”
Tears burn my eyes; hot, salty, and so fucking itchy I want to scratch them out of the socket. “No, I didn’t know that.”
“Oh, yes. Apple Jacks, Cap’n Crunch, and Lucky Charms with the little marshmallows. That was his favorite mix. He ate breakfast like that for his entire elementary school life, and no matter what I’d say or do, he wouldn’t knock it off.” She takes another bite and shakes her head. I’m thinking the sweet tooth is hereditary, and makes me glad I thought to bring the woman a cake. “I was so sure his teeth would rot away before high school, but they didn’t. He drank a lot of water and brushed his teeth religiously, and now, his smile is still prettier than all the angels combined.”
“Yes, ma’am. It sure is.” I sit with Raya for more than an hour and think of the Andi special I served him earlier this week. Raya eats two cupcakes, and squeaks with delight when I tell her the whole container can stay with her. She has enough sugar and rainbow swirls to last her a few days.
The whole time we sit on her bed, she holds Nacho in her lap, and constantly drops her eyes to the fake diamond on my left hand. She never asks about it. Never asks to see it.
Before today, I never felt like I had to worry. Horribly, I took for granted her forgetfulness and left it in place so I wouldn’t lose it. But today’s different. Today she’s noticing, and each time her eyes would drop, my heart would race.
It’s one thing to tell the nosy receptionist a small lie to gain entrance.
But it breaks my heart to lie to Raya – or for her to think her son has exciting news to tell her.
She’s well today, and ridiculously, it makes me glad he didn’t visit. She’s too aware of her world, and if he came here with his injuries, she’d race out of bed and panic.
How horrible am I to wish for her dementia to place a fog over her world again so Riley’s visit won’t hurt her?
A couple hours after Riley leaves the house with the chief, I make good on another promise. Sitting in my car in the parking lot of Raya’s home, I take my cell out and scroll down until I find Megan Montgomery’s cell number.
She’s a friend of mine, a kindred spirit, despite the fact we’re not on a texting-all-the-time level of friendship. She’s wild and crazy, loud, and possibly considered obnoxious in some circles – those circles would say the same about me.
Meg held no grudges about the fact I’ve been known to flirt with her man – Marcus Macchio. She has no time for grudges, because now she’s blissfully happy with the man of her dreams and practically married with a beautiful Macchio baby on her hip.
Or more accurately, her boob.
I told Marc I’d call her, and since I can’t bear to go home just yet an
d sit alone, I find her number and hit dial.
I haven’t seen her since Oz and Lindsi’s wedding. The same night Riley and I first hooked up… It feels like a lifetime ago.
“Hello?” The world on her end is noisy. Grunts. Swearing. A baby crying. “Hey! Shut up!”
“Meg?”
“Andi! Hey, girl. No, you shut up!” She moves through a crowd of noisy people until the volume reduces fractionally. “Sorry, Andi. It’s crazy here. Hold on one sec.”
“Oka–”
“I’m gonna stand right here!” Her shouting reaches certain nerve endings inside my brain I wasn’t sure I even owned. She’s so loud, so cutting, I have to push the cell away from my ear. “Start stretching, you little bitches, because I’ll be back in a sec, and then we’re starting.”
“Starting?” A deep male voice makes me smile. “We didn’t even start yet? We’ve been going for ages.”
It’s like I can almost hear her eyeroll. “Andi. Baaaaabe.” A door slams and cuts off most of the noise. “What the hell is going on? I know your ass has been in town for a week, and you’re only just calling me now.”
“I’m sorry.” I lean my elbow on the car door and close my eyes. The sun is using my windshield as a type of magnifying glass, warming me despite the soft snow falling outside. “I’ve been a little busy.”
“Well duh! Marc told me he was over there last week. How is he?”
“Marc?”
“Riley, dummy!”
I knew who she was asking about, but finally speaking to a friend, someone who actually suggested at the wedding that Riley was dressed up for the night and keeping an eye on me, makes me emotional.
I’ve spent the last week staying in a home I’m not welcome in. Fielding glares for the microseconds that I’d see him each day, and getting updates from Kari and Luc – though Kari was careful not to reveal medical details.