by Julie Cross
“I guess it makes sense. I just don’t get why.”
“I think we can safely say there’s a ton of shit we haven’t figured out yet.”
“Agreed. But … I really need to call my dad. I can just ask him if he’s a government agent. Tell him I overheard a conversation or something. It’s not like he’s the bad guy, right?”
Adam lifted an eyebrow. “You positive about that? So he rushed you to the hospital when you broke your arm. Big deal. And even if he is good … what if it doesn’t matter and he has to turn on you the second he knows you’re not in the dark anymore? Since the jumping around in time is kicking you in the ass, I think you have to limit your jumps to very important tasks. You need to recover, man. For now, I think you should just play dumb around your dad. It’ll be easier to get information. From what it sounds like, those guys in the underground hospital wing were not too happy to see you, and they knew your dad … like they’re on the same side.” He stopped for a minute and I could tell his mind was racing.
I sat up and leaned against the wooden headboard. “Damn. I feel like shit and I was gonna try and get Holly to go out with me today. She gave me her number last night.”
Adam turned his back to me and fumbled with a stack of papers on his desk. “She’s busy.”
“She is?”
“I told her I’d help her study for her calc test.”
“Great, then I have an excuse to see her. I can tag along on your little study session. Tell her we were hanging out.”
He grabbed a pair of jeans from his closet and pulled them on, still not looking at me. “I don’t think that’s a good idea. She’s really freaked about this test—”
“Adam, what are you not telling me? Did she say something to you?”
He finally looked at me, then sighed. “I wasn’t going to bring this up today, but obviously I don’t have a choice. After reading all your notes, it seems like … you and Holly were just having fun. Nothing serious.”
“Do you mean 007 Holly or the other one?”
“007 Holly?”
“Yeah, it sounds much cooler than 2007 Holly.”
He shook his head and laughed. “Interesting way to decipher. But I meant the other one. From 2009. Anyway … other than guilt about leaving her to die … is anything really different now than it was in the future?”
I just stared at him, not sure how to answer, feeling my face redden with unintended anger.
“Look, Jackson, I don’t have anything against you. You’ve dealt with a lot of crazy, fucked-up shit, and the fact that you want to keep her alive, make sure she’s safe, proves you’re a decent guy. But don’t you think it’s a little risky to be close to her … for several reasons? Holly’s my friend and I don’t want her to get hurt.”
“Do you think I’m trying to get close to her out of guilt?” I asked, because I really wasn’t sure. These were uncharted waters for me. In fact, relationships of any kind were uncharted.
“It kinda seems that way … but maybe I’m wrong. Either way, you need to stop feeling guilty.”
Adam turned on his computer and I rolled over on my stomach, staring at the pattern on the sheets, absorbing his insightful message. Was pursuing Holly just about guilt or maybe even the thrill of chasing her again?
Then again, I could have walked away in 2009 that last night we were together. I’d been an hour late for dinner and then told her I needed to skip the movie because I had plans with Adam.
She had gotten up from her chair, picked up her purse, and said calmly, “Well, I have other things I could be doing, too, so I’ll just go and do that now.”
I knew she was pissed, even though she didn’t start shouting at me until I chased after her. But I did chase after her. That had to mean something. I’d never dated girls from my high school or anyone who knew much about my personal life. Or people who knew my sister before she died. College was easier. Somehow I ended up telling Holly nearly everything about myself … but for once, I was the only source. She wasn’t picking up the gossip and rumors that had flown around my school.
What made it so easy to talk to Holly was that I could tell her half of what I meant and she’d fill in the rest. She knew what I was thinking. Like the first time I kissed her …
It had been my nineteenth birthday. June 20, 2009. My dad was ignoring it, just like he’d done every year since Courtney died. Holly had just broken up with David and reluctantly agreed to go out to a club with the rest of the camp staff. Of course, I was thrilled about the opportunity to get her alone, but I could tell she was miserable and trying to give the appearance of enjoying herself.
Just like that, I ditched my original plan to lure her onto the dance floor.
“You want to get out of here?” I asked her.
She nodded. “Are you hungry?”
“Famished.”
“Me, too.” Her fingers landed inside my palm and I gripped them, leading her out into the warm summer air.
I dropped her hand before we started down the sidewalk. “You don’t eat pizza, do you?”
She shook her head. “No, dairy allergy.”
“I know this amazing deli across town. Lots of nondairy items,” I suggested.
“Sounds good.”
We hopped in a cab and headed far away from the club. The deli was almost empty and we took our time selecting one of nearly every vegetarian item on the menu, then spread out our feast across the largest table.
“How long ago did you give up meat?”
She dipped a hunk of pita bread in hummus before answering. “Just a few years. I’d eat meat if I liked the taste, but I don’t.”
“So it’s not because you want to save a cow?”
“Not exactly.” She smiled and took a drink from her iced tea. “Can I ask you something?”
“Go for it.”
“Was this your plan all along? To get me alone tonight? I’ve heard you … do this a lot.”
My tongue was tied for a minute. The usual retort wasn’t right. I folded my hands over the table and stared right at her. Her jaw froze mid-chew. “Honestly, I watched you dancing with Brook,” I said, “and I knew you felt guilty about enjoying yourself tonight. We have that in common.”
This was the truth. I just wanted to be around her, but I didn’t know exactly why. Which kinda scared me a little.
She dropped her eyes and pushed her fork around a container of fruit. She knew exactly what I was talking about. “Yeah, we do.”
“Okay, so, here’s what we’ll do to alleviate the guilt.” I sat up straighter and watched her eyes lift. “Only regular, everyday things are allowed tonight. Like eating, drinking, sleeping.”
Her mouth pulled into a half smile. “Sounds good. Only the mundane stuff permitted.”
“And talking?” I suggested.
“Mr. Meyer, how are you this evening?” a voice said behind me.
I spun around in my chair and saw my father walking up to the counter. “Dad, what’re you doing here?”
Dad looked over and nodded. “I’m working late. Just grabbing some dinner to take back to the office.”
“Doesn’t your secretary usually do that?” I asked.
He shrugged. “I sent her home.”
He wanted to be alone for the same reason I didn’t. I jumped up from my chair and glanced at Holly, then back at my dad. “This is Holly Flynn. We work together.”
Dad stuck out his hand to shake hers. “Kevin Meyer.”
“Nice to meet you,” Holly said.
Dad grabbed the bag from the man at the counter and turned back to us. “Are you in school in New York?” he asked.
“I’ll be at NYU in September.”
“She’s a freshman,” I told Dad.
He nodded before turning toward the door. “You’ll have a sophomore to show you around, then. Jackson’s good at that.”
I decided to give it one last effort. “I’ll probably be home really late, if that’s okay…?”
Dad didn�
�t even look over his shoulder. “No problem.”
I sucked in a deep breath and ran my fingers through my hair.
“That was awkward,” Holly said.
I snapped my head around to look at her. “He works in the building across the street. He’s actually the one who told me about this place.”
“That’s not what I meant. I’m talking about … um…”
I dropped my eyes. “Right.”
She must have caught on to my need to change the subject. “So, what are we going to talk about?”
“What happened with Daniel or Donny? Whatever his name is.”
She hid a smile. “David, but you already know that. And isn’t it bad form to talk about exes while on a date?”
“Well, it’s not a date, so you won’t be breaking any rules,” I said.
This was not normally something I would ask for specifics about, but Holly was too hard to figure out without knowing what kind of guy she could spend a year dating. I couldn’t even imagine being with someone for that long at our age. A month was my longest relationship and the girl had been out of the country for two of those weeks.
“Nothing exciting. Typical outgrowing-the-high-school-boyfriend story.”
“Is he … okay with it?”
She smiled a little. “Yeah, but David’s a nice guy. I don’t know if he’s just saying that so I won’t feel bad.”
We changed subjects and chattered on for at least another hour before heading out. I kept the conversation casual and hoped she’d believe me about not having any “big plans” for our evening.
“What now?” I asked.
“I guess maybe I should go home.”
No, no, no. “Can we go for a walk first? Daily exercise is certainly allowed. Nothing fun about that.”
“Sure,” she said.
The tension that had dissolved during dinner had started building again. Holly obviously felt it, too, and maybe she wanted something to happen, or else just the opposite—to close the door on that idea as soon as possible.
“So, is there anything good about your newfound freedom?” I asked.
“Everything. I guess that’s why I feel guilty.”
“Makes sense.” I turned a corner, not even caring where we walked, as long as it didn’t end.
Holly’s hand went into mine and she stopped in the middle of the sidewalk. When I turned to face her, she had this look on her face and I knew the casual fun had just ended.
She stepped closer to me. “I have to tell you something.”
Uh-oh. Here comes the friend speech.
“Oh, yeah?”
Her light blue eyes gazed right into mine. “Happy birthday, Jackson.”
I opened my mouth to respond, but nothing came out. All I had wanted today was for my father to say those words to me. No expensive gifts or parties. Just one short statement. Maybe even something like, I know Courtney’s gone, but she would have wanted you to be happy today. That would have been more than enough.
Holly’s forehead wrinkled and she dropped my hand. “I’m sorry. That was the wrong thing to say, wasn’t it? I just thought after your dad left—”
My brain went into high-speed mode, focused on one thing. I gently nudged her backward until her shoulders touched the wall of the building behind us. Her eyes were wide open and pink crept up into her cheeks. I didn’t even hesitate, afraid she would stop me. I leaned down and kissed her, pressing my body to hers. She tasted so good, like strawberries and peppermint.
Her arms went from up against the wall to around my neck, yanking me even closer. Fingers were in my hair, lips moving across my cheek, hearts pounding. I wanted to tear off our clothes and let her crawl all over me.
Then her hands were on my chest, pushing me away. I backed up immediately and watched as she leaned on the wall for support, her chest rising and falling rapidly, eyelids fluttering. Nerves coursed through me. Had I misread her signals?
Then her lips pulled into a smile. “Wow.”
I sighed with relief and moved close enough to wrap my arms around her waist. “I’ve wanted to do that for such a long time.”
She opened her eyes and looked up at me. “I know what you mean.”
Of course, that wasn’t 007 Holly and that kiss was totally hot.
Future Holly got me. And no one else seemed to. Maybe that scared me after a while, being that exposed to someone. I did push her away a little once school started and we were both so busy. It was easier to make excuses than admitting to her (and myself) how I really felt. I guess my life was pretty simple then. No reason to clearly define things like relationships because there was always time for that.
Until there isn’t.
Back in the present, Adam continued to type away at his computer, allowing me some private time to think and rest. Maybe the best thing to do in 2007, with this Holly, was to let her get to know me. No more act. No more games. Just me.
Well, minus the I’m-from-the-future part. If that wasn’t enough for either of us, then I could back off and just make sure she was safe from a distance.
“Hey, Adam?”
I sat up when I heard his chair spin around. “I thought you were asleep,” he said.
“No, just thinking about what you said. I don’t really have an answer, but I promise to be careful with her.”
“Great. I’m glad to hear it, man.” Adam pointed at the desk. “I wrote something in your journal, on the back inside cover.”
I looked it over. “Is that more Latin?”
“Um … sort of.” He stared at me again. “Now, this is important. If you ever need to tell me something that you can’t say in home base because it’s too risky or you’re not alone, you can always jump back a day or two and I’ll teach you a way that we can communicate without anyone understanding. Then you can jump forward and use it.”
“What are you talking about? You can’t tell me now?”
He shook his head. “This is one thing even the CIA won’t be able to figure out and I’m not going to risk telling you in home base, when it actually has consequences.”
I nodded and stuffed the journal into my bag. “I’m going to head home and let you get to your afternoon plans.”
“If you want to come with me, you can. Seriously, I’m sure Holly won’t care.”
“No, I’ll wait till tomorrow to see her.”
* * *
I was really surprised when I got back to my computer at home and Holly had sent me an email. I just figured she would play it cool for a while, even if she was interested. Holly had more patience than any girl I had ever met. It was annoying as hell sometimes.
HOLLY: Just heard you’ve been hanging out with my friend Adam. Are you really a science geek?
ME: I’m a wannabe science geek. I’m not that smart. I just attempt to sound that way.
HOLLY: So basically you’re full of it?
ME: Yes, but I’m trying not to be. I might even start attending a support group.
HOLLY: What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Steak, I really love a juicy New York strip with that crispy fat around the edges.
HOLLY: Lol! And yuck! But that’s not what I meant. What’s your favorite load of crap to feed people?
ME: You have such a delicate way of putting things, but I’d have to say quoting Shakespearean sonnets in French to impress a girl. I’ll need therapy to give that one up. It works really well.
HOLLY: Hmm … I’d love to say that wouldn’t impress me, but I think it might. Of course you’ve ruined the surprise now.
ME: Of course.
HOLLY: Adam just got here. Time to cram for my calc test. Later.
There. That was the beginning of honesty and a little bit of me exposed. It wasn’t so bad. Yet. I fell asleep on the couch, writing as many 009 Holly moments as I could possibly remember. Just in case I forgot. There were so many I never bothered to write down. I always thought there’d be time for that.
* * *
When I woke,
it was dark and I had slept for most of the day. I spent nearly an hour keeping busy with random tasks, trying to decide if it was a bad idea to call or email Holly again. Just when I was ready to cave and send her a quick note, I saw that she had already sent me an email. Maybe seventeen-year-old Holly was a little less patient?
HOLLY: I know I’m such a dork writing you yet another email after only six hours, but I was just going to ask you if you had any good tips for SAT studying?
I sent her an instant message instead of an email reply.
ME: Yes, a ton. But what do I get out of it?
HOLLY: What do you want?
ME: Can I call you right now?
HOLLY: Why don’t you try and see if I answer?
I should have known she’d say that. I crawled into bed and flipped off the light before dialing her number.
“Hey,” she said.
“Hey.”
“So…”
“So … tell me something interesting about the world of school. I feel like I haven’t been there forever.” Again, another true statement. So far, I was on a roll.
“Well … I have this new project for AP English and it’s actually really cool. We have to keep a journal of song lyrics that represent our mood throughout the day, for a whole week.”
“What’s your song right now?”
“‘Vacation’ by the Go-Go’s. Do you know it?” she asked.
I sang the first line. “Can’t seem to get my mind off of you.”
“Is that cheesy?”
“No, I love it.”
“Tell me yours.”
The tone of her voice relaxed and I closed my eyes, imagining her snuggled under her white comforter, head pressed against the light blue ruffled pillow.
“Hmm … ‘All Mixed Up.’”
“Never heard it,” she said.
“It’s by a band called 311.”
“You know a lot about music, don’t you?”
“Yeah, I’m a music geek.”
“I have weird favorites. Stuff I’m embarrassed to say I like sometimes,” she said.
“Like what?”