by Julie Cross
Eleven months. So, for almost a year of my life, the first year of my life, someone else raised me. It didn’t really change anything but it seemed like it should.
My head was spinning with questions and I suddenly had to lie down. “I’m not feeling very well.”
Melvin filled a cup with water and handed it to me.
“No lollipop?” I asked.
He smiled and grabbed a red one from his drawer. “Why don’t you rest here while I go and talk to your father?”
“Sure.”
The second the door closed, I grabbed my cell phone and started texting Adam.
* * *
Later, when Dad and I were headed home, his defenses were back up and he apologized. “I’m sorry the fact that you’re adopted had to come out like that. I overreacted. Dr. Melvin just gets so deep into scientific details sometimes, I think he forgets he’s dealing with real people. Anyway, it was more about your sister than you.”
“It always is,” I said, without realizing how much I probably sounded like my seventeen-year-old self.
He gave me a long searching look before getting out of the car and handing the keys over to Henry. “You’re right, Jackson. Courtney may be gone, but you’re not. Sometimes it’s hard for me to pick up where we left off without feeling that grief. But I’ll try harder. I promise.”
Was this another tactic? Create all this sympathy so I stop digging for answers and trust the man who’s been lying to me my entire life? “Okay, Dad.”
“So, tell me about this girl you’re trying to impress. I could tell you weren’t lying about that.”
Holly’s safety and Adam’s message about not wanting her to get caught up in any of this weird shit ran through my mind, dominating my thoughts. I strode through the front door, keeping my back to Dad. “You wouldn’t like her, trust me. And it’s nothing, really. I just like having a job.”
“If you say so.”
In other words, he didn’t believe me.
My phone rang and it was Adam, of course. I walked to my bedroom and shut the door before answering. “Hey, what’s up?”
I filled him in on Dad’s sympathy act. “You can play that game, too, Jackson. Let him feel some guilt about whatever the hell he’s hiding.”
“Smart. Who knows … maybe he’ll crack.”
“All right, tell me what was so important you had to break the one rule I gave you.”
I wasn’t exactly ashamed of wanting to visit Courtney, but I knew it was wrong for several reasons and I didn’t want to go into details with Adam. “First of all, you’ve given me a lot more than one rule. And second, it wasn’t anything, really. Just a short visit with someone, then I lost track of time.”
He groaned into the phone. “You seriously need to be way more responsible than that. Just don’t let it happen again. I’m going to type up a new list of theories based on today’s data.”
“Okay.”
“Oh … and Holly asked me how you were doing,” he said, the sound of high-speed typing coming through the phone. “She called about an hour ago and then a second time five minutes ago.”
For just a few seconds, every aspect of my crazy, messed-up life dissolved and I was just me, Jackson Meyer. A normal guy, elated that the girl I liked might actually be interested. Even though I wanted to be careful with Holly, not get too close, it still felt good to hear. She made me happy … and right now, that wasn’t an easy task.
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
FRIDAY, OCTOBER 12, 2007, 10:00 A.M.
Crowds of people zipped by me as I stood in front of the stained-glass windows in the Metropolitan Museum of Art. I was starting to get more than a little pissed at Adam. After all he was the one who woke me up by sending a text at three in the morning that said, Meet me at the Met at 9:30 a.m.… big Physics experiment … super secret … science geeks rule!
“Do you know how hard it is to spot you when you have a hat on?”
I spun around and was face-to-face with someone who definitely wasn’t Adam. “Holly? What are you doing here?”
“Field trip,” she said with a smile, then her eyes darted around the large open space. “But I’m sneaking out and you’re going to be my accomplice.”
I must have looked totally confused, because she laughed.
“I can’t … I’m meeting Adam.”
Holly shook her head. “Adam is currently snoring in third-period trig.”
“No, he’s not. He’s meeting me here,” I said, even more confused.
Her face suddenly filled with alarm and she yanked my arm and pulled me behind a statue. “Sorry, Mr. Orman, my drama teacher, was looking this way.” She looked at me again and her cheeks turned a little pink. “Adam didn’t text you … I did.”
That shocked the hell out of me. Holly initiating this impromptu adventure…? “You sent me a text from Adam’s phone at three in the morning?”
“Uh-huh,” she said. “He was helping me study and it turned out to be an all-nighter, but he fell asleep and … then I remembered what you said about Central Park being your favorite place…”
If this was 009 Holly, I would have kissed her right then. But she wasn’t 009 Holly, so instead I drilled her with more questions to fill the sudden awkward silence. “Your paranoid mother let you sleep at Adam’s? And aren’t you afraid of getting in trouble for sneaking out?”
She rolled her eyes. “I told her I was sleeping at Jana’s. Besides, we were just studying. And my mom never lets me come to New York by myself. This is my only chance. Are you in or out?”
I watched her walk toward the exit and felt myself grinning. “I’m in.”
She glanced at me from over her shoulder and smiled again. “I was sure you’d figure out it was me who texted you.”
I laughed. “The science-geeks-rule part should have tipped me off … but I thought maybe he was drunk.”
Holly spun around to face me, walking backward down the sidewalk now. “This is so awesome. I can’t believe I pulled it off. Toby’s covering for me and Mr. Orman isn’t even riding the bus back with us. Basically, I have all day.”
“You should be a spy or a detective,” I teased.
She sighed. “I wish. My foreign language skills would really have to improve if I wanted to go into espionage.”
We walked around the outside of the museum and under the bridge that led us into Central Park. I pulled her bag off her shoulders and slung it over mine. “This thing is packed. What have you got in here?”
“A blanket and three different books, in case I feel like laying out in the sun and reading for hours,” she said. “Oh … and lots of snacks.”
“Sounds like you really planned this. How did I manage to win the part of accomplice?”
She laughed but kept her eyes on the trees in front of us. “Well … I figured if I was going to drag someone along, then maybe it’d be smart to pick someone who wouldn’t actually be cutting school.”
“Oh … so, it’s not my potential for rebellious bad-boy behavior?”
She flashed me a grin. “That, too, of course.”
We found a great spot in the grass near a playground. Holly tossed her blanket onto the ground, right beside the swings.
“I used to have a swing set like this in my backyard, but I hardly ever used the swings.”
“What did you do with it?” I asked.
“Watch this.” She climbed up the side of the red metal pole and shimmied across the top bar. She pulled her chin up to the bar, then turned her body upside down, and suddenly her head was above the bar. Her legs dangling down.
“Nice, let me try that.”
“Go ahead.”
I did a pull-up just like she had and then turned myself over. “Not as hard as I thought it would be.”
“You’re pretty good. You should have Toby teach you some high bar skills.”
I jumped back down onto the grass and waited for Holly to do the same. Instead, she swung one leg over the top bar and stood sideways.
“Holly, I don’t think you should—”
“Relax, I’ve been doing this since I was five.” She turned with ease and started to walk the length of the swing set, her toes curling around the edge. All I could think about was her head smashing onto the hard ground.
“You’re really freaking me out. Can you please come down?” I pleaded.
“The first time I did this, my mom was standing at the kitchen sink washing dishes. When she looked out the window and saw me, she ran outside so fast, screaming at me to come down. Which I did, and then spent the evening in time-out.” She returned to hanging again and swung a few times, then did a backflip in the air and landed lightly on her feet.
I let out a sigh of relief and she laughed.
“You just gave me a heart attack. You’re like a wild monkey.” She moved closer, and as soon as she was within reach, I grabbed her hand and dragged her toward the blanket. “Sit. Please.”
She rolled her eyes, but sat down anyway. I stretched out across the blanket, staring at the clouds through the trees. Holly stretched out next to me. “Are you feeling better?” she asked. “That stomach flu totally sucks.”
“Yeah, pretty much. But that was a really bad day for me.” I turned on my side to face her. “Can I ask you something?”
“You can ask.”
“What if you could have a do-over? Like … a time when you screwed up or maybe just to make a great memory. Would you do it?”
She turned to face me. “Where is this coming from? That’s just a really vague question, so it’s hard to answer.”
I propped myself up on my elbow. “I had this dream the other night. It was about this one time I was a total jerk to my sister.”
“What did you do?” she asked.
“I told my friend a really embarrassing story about her and he told pretty much the whole school. I think we were twelve and I was trying to impress the guys.”
“What kind of embarrassing story? If it was like … telling someone she wet her pants when she was three, that’s no big deal.”
I wrinkled my nose. “It involved flatulence and was very recent … like, days.”
Holly covered her mouth. “Wow. That’s pretty bad.”
I smiled at her. “I know. Anyway, in my dream, I was there like I am now, this age. I knew I could keep it from happening, but then it wouldn’t change anything, not today or even the day after it happened.”
“Your sister wouldn’t know you had a change of heart?”
“Correct.”
“But you would know?”
“Exactly.”
Holly was quiet for a minute before answering. “I think there’s some nobility in trying to fix it.”
“I wouldn’t really be fixing it.”
“But doing the right thing is hard sometimes. The more practice you have, the easier it gets. Even if it’s only in a dream.”
I rolled onto my back again. “I think you may be right.”
She scooted closer to me, but then started twisting her hands together like she was nervous.
I kept my eyes on the clouds and reached over and pulled her hands apart. I set one of them between us and put mine right next to hers. Seconds later, her fingers brushed my palm. I squeezed them and closed my eyes. “Hol?”
“Yeah?”
“Relax, okay? Just being here with you … it’s more than enough. I don’t have any other plans.”
And that was the truth. My thumb made tiny circles on the outside of her hand as I breathed in the scent of crisp fall air combined with burning wood.
“You’re so different than I thought,” she said quietly.
I smiled to myself. “You’re exactly how I thought.”
She leaned her head against my shoulder. I felt her lips touch my cheek and a warmth spread through my whole body. I reached my other hand over, resting my palm on her cheek. I could stay like this forever. It didn’t matter what year it was.
It was like that the first time we slept together (of course, that was 009 Holly, the one that was legal). I had these crazy ideas in my head right before it happened, some really big plans. But what I remember loving most had nothing to do with the main event.
* * *
It was the middle of July 2009. A couple days after the little incident with my dad catching us.
Finally, we were alone in my apartment. Bedroom door locked. Great music blaring. Nothing stopping us from doing whatever we wanted.
Holly pulled her dress over her head, then crawled back across the bed on her knees. I touched the waistband of her pink panties and started to slide them down. My mouth followed my hands.
Her fingers combed through my hair, and then she whispered, “I’ve never done this before.”
My lips froze just above her hip. There were so many ways to translate that statement. “Never done what?”
“Had sex.”
Not what I’d expected to hear. I guess with all my fantasies, I had never once pictured Holly a virgin. I sat up on my knees again so I was eye-level with her. “Never?”
She shook her head and covered her face with her hands. “I should have said something sooner.”
“Holly, it’s no big deal. We don’t have to—”
“No, I want to.” She dropped her arms and flopped onto her stomach, face pressed into the pillow. “I can’t believe I just said that.”
I lay down beside her, resting my hand on her back. “It’s okay.”
“If I tell you something, do you promise not to make fun of me?”
I held up my right hand. “Scout’s honor.”
She smiled and then sat up, crossing her legs. “I almost did it, once. David and I had this big plan, like forever, to rid ourselves of the big V on prom night.”
I tried not to smile and Holly rolled her eyes. “I know, it’s not very original. Anyway, we had a hotel room and everything, but David had a little issue and broke all the condoms he brought.”
“I thought you said you’d never—”
“No, he broke them before I had even taken off my dress. I’ll spare you the details.”
I laughed loudly, then shut my mouth after she glared. “Anyway, we decided to go to the store and buy another box.”
“A bigger one, I hope.”
She laughed and nodded. “The whole time we’re shopping, both of us are looking around the aisles, making sure we don’t see anyone we know. Anyway, we get up to the register to pay and David realizes he doesn’t have his wallet. I didn’t bring my purse, so we tell the lady to cancel the sale. But she gets on her microphone and calls the manager over. At that point, me and David just want to get the hell out of there and she’s trying to talk the manager into giving us free condoms.”
I rolled with laughter and Holly joined me. “Okay, so what happened?”
“I just said no thanks and then dragged David out the door and told him it was a sign that we shouldn’t be doing it. At least not that night.”
“So, did you go back and laugh about it?”
She returned to lying beside me. “Not exactly. David’s ego was a little bruised. He fell asleep as soon as we got back to the hotel, or pretended to so we didn’t have to talk.”
“And you never tried again?”
She shook her head. “Nope. And not because he screwed up with the whole condom thing, but mostly because that night all I could think about was … is David the last boy I’ll ever kiss? And I wasn’t sure I wanted him to be and then the doubts just kept piling up. Knowing we were going in such different directions, it just didn’t feel right.”
I wrapped my arm around her waist and pulled her close. “Everything is so deep with you, isn’t it?”
She rested her cheek on my chest. “You’re deep, too. You just don’t want to recognize it. What about all that classic literature that you secretly read?”
“That’s for school.”
“But you chose your major. And, Jackson?”
“Yeah?”
“
I really do want to do it,” she said.
I touched my lips to her shoulder and closed my eyes, not responding. I knew that had to be a hard thing for her to admit, but I had my own concerns.
“Jackson?”
I sighed heavily, then rested my head back on the pillow. “Maybe another time.”
“Like one that’s more perfect than tonight?” She loosened her hold on me and started to move away.
“I just don’t want to hurt you,” I said, barely above a whisper.
The idea that she might not enjoy this was turning me in the other direction. I couldn’t remember the last time I had been with a virgin, even just messing around. Maybe never.
She started kissing every inch of my body while I was deep in thought. Her hands were doing things that made my brain completely void of logical reason. I groaned and covered my face. “Holly, what are you doing?”
“Think about it this way, Jackson. Are you saying you want me to go find some other guy?” Her voice was light, teasing.
“No.”
“Then you want to dump me for some loose chick?”
“Of course not.”
“I see no other way forward, unless you’re okay with celibacy.”
“Of course not.”
She laughed and then put her hands on the sides of my face. Her forehead touched mine. “I want it to be you.”
“Why?”
She kissed my lips. “Because … I just do, okay?”
I had a pretty good idea what she had almost said. The three words that neither of us had uttered. “You have to tell me if I hurt you. Do you swear?”
My hands were already shaking. She picked one up and placed it over her heart. “I swear.”
“All right.”
She kissed my cheek. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you this nervous.”
I was nervous. And I’d never done anything so slow in my entire life. She teased me about being an expert at putting on a condom, so I told her I practiced when I was younger, which was true when I was, like, fourteen. Somehow, Holly and I managed to make a scary and awkward moment incredibly funny.
As far as the actual sex part, to me, it was great. I think mostly because Holly is never fake. And she has this way of making me feel like I’m part of something important. Like we’re always making a memory. One you’d never be able to erase. For me, I’m all impulse. Whatever the hell I feel like doing at any given moment, I do it. But I had a feeling Holly had thought this night through and played it out in her mind for a long time. The fact that she was willing to include me was just beyond cool.