He let out a short breath. “Yes. But the point I was trying to make was that you are everything that she is not, and she can never hope to be. She is a good mother, but you are a hero. I don’t think you’re even capable of selfishness.”
I swallowed hard, my face on fire. “Th-Thank you, but I’m far too capable of being selfish. And all good mothers are heroes as far as I’m concerned.”
My heart twisted as I said the words. I used to think my mother was a hero…
“That’s true,” Kane allowed. “I don’t mean to diminish what Alicia has accomplished; but there is no comparison between her and you. You are a better person in every way. As to the other part of your earlier statement; you’re right, Daniel is… should be… the most important person in my life. But it isn’t your job to keep my priorities on track. That responsibility is mine. And…”
He sighed. “When you texted me, I left the school and slipped back into my old skin without even thinking twice. Disposed of my phone, abandoned my vehicle, took a circuitous route to my nearest cache…” He gave me a half-smile. “…which I still had despite the fact that I resigned from the Department months ago… and went to our rendezvous point. Completely focused on the objective. Not even considering the potential consequences to Daniel. I wasn’t a father anymore; I was an agent.”
He swallowed, and when he spoke again, his voice was so quiet I had to strain to hear it. “It felt… good. God help me. I don’t deserve to have a child.”
“That’s not true at all!” I gripped his arm, wishing I could shake some sense into him. “You have so much to offer as a father! Courage, dedication, selflessness, patience, critical thinking, sports and fitness, cooking skills, art, stories; you speak eight friggin’ languages, for chrissake! If you’re not good enough to parent a child, nobody is! And of course it felt good for you to slip back into being an agent. After getting thrown into fatherhood on a moment’s notice, it would be a huge relief for you to do something you’re confident about doing well.”
Silence filled the car.
When I glanced over at him, he was staring straight ahead.
“John…?” I prompted.
“I…” He shook himself. “I… didn’t think of that.”
“Then what the hell is your damn psychologist doing?” I demanded, suddenly furious on his behalf. “Don’t tell me; let me guess. You spend every session talking about how much Alicia suffered during your marriage because you were never there for her. You’re killing yourself trying to atone for what you couldn’t do; when the truth is that she was dazzled by your uniform but never grasped the fact that the uniform demands sacrifices from a service member’s spouse and family as well. She wasn’t prepared to make the sacrifices but she won’t admit it, so she’s turning it around and making it your fault.”
Kane winced. “Ouch. Direct hit.”
“I’m sorry…” I began.
“Don’t be.” He reached over to squeeze my hand. “Thank you. That was a valuable dose of perspective. I need to think that through.”
I nodded, and we didn’t speak again until I parked behind the motel.
“Be it ever so humble…” I indicated the worn façade with a grand gesture and didn’t complete the quote. “I’m in one-fourteen around the other side. That window…” I pointed to the one above us. “… is my bathroom.”
“Good. Give me your key and I’ll go in first to make sure it’s secure. Did you give your only bug detector to Skidmark?”
“No, I have another in the trunk.” I got out and rummaged through the duffel bag until I located the small device, then handed it over.
As Kane strode around the building I dove back into the warmth of the car, shivering. A few moments later the bathroom window slid open and Kane beckoned.
Teeth chattering, I unloaded my gear and scurried around to the door. I locked it behind me and sagged against it, fatigue nearly dragging me to my knees in the relative safety of the shabby room.
I tipped my head back against the door, closing my eyes. “God. I just want to fall into that bed and sleep forever.”
“Ordinarily I’d say ‘go ahead’, but we need to talk before Hellhound gets here.”
My eyes popped open as anxiety clenched my tired muscles all over again. “Um… okay. But first…” I dropped my gear beside the door and ripped off my kerchief, jamming my fingers through my hair to scrub my prickling scalp. “God… damn… agh…” I scratched some more. “…Ahhh, that thing was driving me nuts. And I have to get this makeup off before I scratch my own face off, too. I’ll just be a minute.” I grabbed my overnight backpack and made a beeline for the bathroom.
As I passed, Kane’s hand shot out to restrain me. “Are you sure that’s a good idea? What if you need to leave the room unexpectedly?”
“It’s probably not a good idea at all.” I dodged around his outstretched hand. “But I don’t care. If Holt shows up at the door, it won’t matter whether I’m wearing makeup or not; and if I have to leave in a hurry I’ll just wrap my scarf around my face. I can’t stand having this stuff on my face for one more second.”
I shut myself into the bathroom and barely managed not to recoil. My makeup was definitely serving its purpose, but my vanity pained me at the sight of the dilapidated old bag reflected in the mirror.
By the time I had finished scrubbing, my skin was reddened but invigorated. I hurriedly slapped on some moisturizer before turning back toward the door.
My hand hovered over the knob.
What had Kane meant by ‘we need to talk’?
God, my emotions already felt as though they’d been worked over with a tire iron. I couldn’t handle a relationship conversation right now…
I turned to glare at my fearful face in the mirror. Who was I kidding? I couldn’t handle a relationship conversation, ever. Skidmark was right. Something was seriously wrong in my brain.
I shook off the thought. Why would I assume Kane wanted to talk about our relationship? Maybe he had only meant we needed to talk about classified details that we couldn’t discuss in front of Hellhound and Skidmark.
Yeah, that was it.
For sure.
I blew out a breath, set my teeth, and stepped out of the bathroom.
Chapter 40
Kane was reclining on the bed, arms tucked behind his head. I only had a moment to appreciate his muscular glory before he rolled to his feet, but that was all the time it took for my mind to skip down yet another X-rated memory path.
Down, girl.
“I like that look much better on you,” Kane said as he approached with a smile.
My breath caught as he extended a hand toward me, but he was only reaching past me for the television remote. He powered on the TV and turned the volume down to a conversational murmur before turning back to me.
“I’ve already cleared the room for bugs,” he said, matching the level of his voice to the TV. “But we don’t need to take a chance on being overheard through thin walls.” He motioned toward the bed. “Let’s get started.”
Heat rose in my face and arrowed instantly down to more interesting places.
“Um…?” I began, but Kane had already turned away to sit on the bed again. Facing the other bed.
The other bed, where he expected me to sit. And talk, idiot.
Oh.
This time the fire in my cheeks was embarrassment as I took my place opposite him.
“Is there anything new I need to know about the network key and generator?” he asked.
“Um… no. It’s still the same old, same old.”
“So what exactly happened at the secured facility? And what were your exact orders from Stemp?”
I recounted all the details to him, relieved that I didn’t need to filter my story this time.
Although come to think of it, maybe I shouldn’t have divulged everything about the metal-eating bacteria…
“What’s wrong?” Kane asked. “You’re frowning.”
“Um. Yeah.
I just…” I picked at a loose thread on the bedspread. “I’ve probably told you more than I should have, but I’m just so used to telling you everything…” I grimaced. “I guess it’s okay. If I’m programmed to do something weird, you’ll need the whole story so you can react appropriately.”
“Yes.” His voice softened. “Thank you for your trust. That means a lot to me.”
Trust. There was that word again. I squirmed.
Kane mercifully kept talking. “So here’s a thought that you may not have considered: Nora said you’d been programmed when, exactly?”
“When I was talking to her in her hotel room.”
“No; I meant, when was the programming inserted in your mind?”
“Oh.” I frowned, mentally replaying my conversation with Nora. “She said Sam had done it while I was young, when he used to come to the farm several times a year and we did what he called ‘mind exercises’. Nobody knew he was actually testing me to see whether I was a candidate for his secret program…” I trailed off.
When I didn’t speak again, Kane asked, “What are you thinking?”
“If Nora is my mother, I’m wondering when she found out what Sam was really doing. Were they colluding right from the start? Or did she find out later? Did he confess to her after they started their affair?”
My guts twisted at the thought of my dad trusting his wife all those years, while he’d travelled for work and she was betraying him…
I jerked my mind back to the situation at hand. “Or did mom and dad find out together later? Did Sam confess to both of them?” I yanked the loose thread on the bedspread, snapping it and puckering the fabric. I smoothed the puckers, but my hand stilled as a thought hit me. “My Aunt Minnie said Dad took me everywhere with him. He told her I was ‘gifted’, and he carried a gun in his briefcase, and he said he was ‘making sure I had a future’. And that started around the time he started working for the Department of Agriculture, when I was about twelve or thirteen.”
“He knew something,” Kane deduced.
“He must have. So… does that mean that he and Mom were working together to protect me? Or was he trying to protect me from Mom and Sam?”
“That’s the million-dollar question,” Kane agreed. “And I don’t see any way to find the answer until we can question Nora. But it does lead me to my next point. If this so-called programming occurred when you were a child, and if Nora says that working for the Department puts you at risk to trigger it…” He frowned. “Then, theoretically, that risk began when you discovered the Department nearly two years ago.”
Nausea rose in my throat. “Oh, God. I might have been giving away secrets all this time.”
Kane’s frown deepened and he crossed his arms as though barricading himself from the possibility. “Or you haven’t been; and there’s no reason to believe you will. Remember, any programming that’s in your mind is decades old. And you were never supposed to know you were capable of infiltrating networks and decrypting data. You were never supposed to enter the network except under Sam’s control. Maybe you’ve already overcome the programming because you’ve been controlling your own access to the network.”
A small fearful hope kindled in my heart. “Maybe…”
Kane went on, “So now you’re afraid to use the network key in case you unknowingly give away intel; but if you’ve been giving away intel all this time, using the key now won’t likely make things that much worse. And if you haven’t been giving away intel, why would you suddenly start?”
I wrapped my arms around myself. “I don’t know. And that’s what scares the shit out of me. Are you saying I should… go into the internet again to see what I can find out about Grandin?”
“No. I’m only trying to wrap my mind around all the ramifications. But it seems like a positive sign that you gave me the network key and generator of your own volition. If you were programmed to use them against us, theoretically you should have gone to any lengths to keep them.”
“Right…” I clutched my head, feeling as though a time bomb was ticking inside my skull. “But what if we’re wrong?”
Kane sighed and said nothing.
I shivered. “I don’t dare risk going into the network again. If I’ve been giving away information all this time, what if I give away one critical piece the next time I go into the network? One piece of data could lead to worldwide security breaches.” Ice formed in my belly and the shivers intensified. “It could lead to a world war. I can’t take the chance.”
A sharp rap at the door nearly levitated me off the bed.
Kane sprang to his feet. “Get into the bathroom!”
I dove inside as he finished, “It’s probably Hellhound, but…”
I swung the door most of the way closed and drew my Glock. Heart pounding, I eased forward, straining my ears.
The sound of the outside door latch was followed by a rumble of male voices, and a moment later I heard the door close and Kane announced, “All clear.”
I let out a shaky breath and holstered my weapon before emerging cautiously. The sight of Hellhound lowering a large rucksack to the floor brought a smile of relief to my lips.
He straightened, his expression brightening into an answering smile at the sight of me. “Hey, darlin’.” He opened his arms. “Nice to see your real face this time.”
I hurried over to step into his embrace, and he held me close. “You’re shakin’, darlin’.” His arms tightened around me. “What’s wrong?”
“N-Nothing. Just chilly.” I huddled gratefully into his body heat, shivering. “Keyed up and overtired, I g-guess.”
“When did ya eat last?”
“Around five.”
He consulted his wristwatch without letting go of me. “That’s nearly five hours ago. Ya prob’ly need a snack.”
“And some sleep,” I agreed.
He turned me loose with a gentle nudge toward the refrigerator. “Better eat. We still gotta do some plannin’ tonight.”
Stifling a groan, I opened the fridge. He was right, of course; but I was so exhausted I could have dropped to the floor and nodded off right there on the worn and faded carpet.
I managed a cheerful tone with an effort. “You guys want anything? I’ve got fruit, orange juice, bread, peanut butter, milk, some cold cuts and a raw veggie tray…”
“Vegetables, please,” Kane said.
“Cold cuts,” Hellhound said at the same time. “Got any pepperoni?”
“Sorry, no.” I handed him the small package of deli ham. “I wasn’t expecting visitors.”
He gave a philosophical shrug and helped himself to the meat while I spread peanut butter on a couple of slices of bread and Kane munched on some vegetables.
“So Skidmark got checked into the Palliser okay,” Hellhound said through a mouthful, then swallowed and went on, “He’s gonna be down in the lobby tomorrow mornin’, an’ he’ll call us soon’s he makes contact. He said ya could get the lie detector?” He directed an inquiring look at me.
“Maybe,” I said slowly. “But if we don’t know when we’ll have Nora, we shouldn’t get the lie detector yet. I don’t want to get Jack in trouble, and if she gives it to us tonight and then Holt wants it for something tomorrow…”
“No big deal,” Hellhound said. “Once we grab the b- …uh, Nora, we can hold her for as long’s we need to. We can get the lie detector after.”
“You or I can get it,” Kane said. “Aydan should lie low.”
“But that’s not fair,” I protested. “I’m the one who should be taking the risks. The two of you shouldn’t even be involved.”
“And that’s exactly why we should be involved,” Kane countered. “I don’t want to give your death wish a chance to manifest itself.”
“I told you, I’m pretty sure I don’t have a death wish,” I argued at the same time as Hellhound bolted up from his slouch on the bed and demanded, “What the fuck? What death wish?”
“I don’t have one,” I repeated.
&
nbsp; Kane frowned at me. “I’m still not convinced of that.”
“What the fuckin’ hell!” Hellhound growled. “Somebody better start talkin’ here, or I’m gonna start bashin’ heads.”
Kane launched into the tale of my earlier revelation that my life was less important than everyone else’s. The way he told it made me sound alarmingly fucked up. I tried to inject some perspective into his narrative whenever I could, but judging by Hellhound’s gathering frown I wasn’t doing a very good job.
“…so it wouldn’t surprise me if she had been programmed to carry out a suicide mission,” Kane finished. “Either as a means of furthering a cause; or else as a simple method of eliminating her when her usefulness comes to an end.”
“Hm.” Hellhound got up and came over to sit beside me on the bed. Wrapping an arm around my shoulders, he pressed his lips to my temple. “Don’t worry, darlin’,” he said gently. “It’s a shitty feelin’ to wonder if ya can trust yourself, but we won’t let ya do anythin’ bad. We’ll stop ya, no matter what it takes.”
I collapsed against him, soaking up his reassurance. He understood exactly what I was going through.
Would he shoot to kill if I went out of control?
Would I want him to?
I didn’t know; but I knew he would make the best decision he could for me. It was enough.
A warm wave of sleepiness washed over me, but his voice roused me and I reluctantly opened my eyes again.
“I dunno about the suicide thing,” he said to Kane. “Like Karma said, it’d be pretty damn hard to program somebody; an’ Aydan’s got lotsa other reasons for havin’ a knee-jerk reaction like that.”
“What do you mean?” Kane’s voice held a slight edge, and he frowned at the two of us cuddled together.
Shit, I should move away from Arnie.
My muscles tensed as the thought occurred to me, and Hellhound’s embrace instantly loosened. Not falling away; but giving me space.
It was enough to bring me to my senses. I eased out a breath and relaxed against him once more. Kane knew about our deal, and he had said he was okay with it. I would believe him until he told me otherwise.
Once Burned, Twice Spy Page 32