by CE Ricci
There it is, all my shame and resentment, bared for him to see.
At least, all the pieces I’m willing to share.
He doesn’t need to know about the string of girls I fucked once I turned fourteen to numb the pain. He doesn’t need to know I drowned the demons caused by that fucking bastard in pills and blow and booze, almost losing my scholarship to Clemson. He doesn’t need to know the real reason why I switched schools in the middle of my college career was to escape once again. He doesn’t need to know a few weeks before I was offered this transfer, I was ready to end it and finally escape once and for all.
He doesn’t need to know I looked down the barrel of a gun…and fucking flinched.
He doesn’t need to know he was right. I’m a fucking coward.
He doesn’t need to hear those things.
Not tonight.
Not ever.
“When did it stop?’ River asks quietly after what seems like an eternity of silence.
“When I was fourteen. I got big enough the summer before high school thanks to football training camp. One night he came at me, and when I fought back, I actually won. Sent him to the hospital with a couple broken ribs and everything.”
“And he never came for you again.”
I nod. “But it was too little, too late. He already took all my firsts. Every fucking one of them.”
A tug on my hair brings my forehead to rest against River’s. My eyes close and I take the moment to simply be here.
With him.
Just us.
“But he didn’t get all of them. He didn’t get your first kiss. He didn’t get to be the first person to make your heart leap in your chest when you saw him. He didn’t get to be your first love. And he most definitely won’t get a single one of your lasts,” Riv whispers, his hot breath, smelling of toothpaste, wafts across my mouth.
“That might be true. But he took everything from me. Not just my firsts. He took my fucking sanity. He made me question everything about myself. Who I am as a man. What I like when it comes to sex. Who I let myself—” I cut myself off before I utter the word love.
River runs his fingers again and again through my hair as he presses a gentle kiss to my throat. “I’m sorry those things happened to you, Rain. I’d say it helped make you stronger, but I have a feeling that’s exactly the kind of thing you would hate to hear.”
“You’d be right,” I mumble as I play with his fingers resting on his chest. “I didn’t need to be made strong. I was a fucking child. I just…”
“Needed to be kept safe.”
I pull back and my eyes lock onto his teal ones. In them, I see a level of kinship and understanding I’ve never experienced in my goddamn life. How he knows what I was thinking, what I wanted to say, I don’t think I’ll ever understand.
It has nothing to do with the fact that we’ve been fucking like rabbits. Nothing to do with the fact that we are both attempting to navigate the world as a minority frequently shunned, though only one of us is honest about it.
Those things might have bonded us. But this goes deeper than that.
He just fucking gets me.
He’s pulled back the layers no one before him has dared to go near.
He’s put up with my moody, irrational ass for almost four weeks in a cabin in the woods in the middle of the fucking Rocky Mountains.
He’s seen the good, the bad, and the ugly. And stayed.
Not like he has much of a choice. But he didn’t have to keep trying to make an effort with me.
All despite the massive douchewaffle I’ve been to him since I found out he was bisexual.
The realization makes my heart squeeze in my chest.
Fuck. Me.
“Exactly,” I whisper, my gaze holding his.
I’m still naked from our romp in the sheets earlier, and Riv is quick to discard his own underwear after sliding out from under my hold. He rolls on top of me, his arms braced on either side of my head. His soft lips press against my own once, twice, in sweet kisses before his tongue slides against the seams, begging for entrance.
Not being able to deny him a thing at this moment, I open and greedily take everything he has to give. My cock hardens again from the feeling of his tongue tangling with mine and the presence of his body hovering over me.
Goddamn, I’m so fucking fucked.
River nips my bottom lip and tugs hard before moving his assault from my mouth to my jaw and then to my throat. His hand slips between us, grasping both our cocks in his grip and jacking them in long, slow tugs. Not that he needs to get me worked up and ready, I’m already harder than granite.
“Fuck, Riv,” I pant, gritting my teeth. The sensation of our dicks rubbing together feels so good.
Too good.
And nothing that feels this good is ever meant to last.
“It fucking kills me, knowing you went through that, baby. With no one to fight for you, to stand up for you,” he tells me between kisses across my pecs. “And while I might be too late to keep the nine year old Rain safe, I’m here now. I’ve found you.”
Even in the shadows, his turquoise eyes say more than his mouth as he repeats his declaration once more. “I’ve found you and I’m here, and I promise I will always be your safe place for as long as you need one.”
His words send waves of desire coursing through my veins, springing me into action.
I cup his jaw, stubbled and sharp and carved by God himself, with both hands and bring his mouth back to mine in a searing kiss of lips and teeth and tongues.
Desperate. Demanding.
Mind altering perfection.
My soul begs for this. For more. For him.
Jesus, I just want him. And I don’t care if that makes me gay or bi or whatever.
It doesn’t fucking matter right now.
While I’m still lost in our kiss, River begins moving above me, sliding the hand that was stroking our cocks down to cup my balls and knead them with expertise. As my hands begin to roam his body, I feel his finger sliding over my taint and to my ass. I clench my cheeks on instinct.
No.
River leans back and grabs my chin with his other hand, his fucking finger still playing against my hole. He forces me to meet his gaze, sensing my panic. His eyes, filled with lust and desire, soften as he sees the fear written all over my face. I’m sure he can feel my nerves buzz through my body and into his own where our skin touches.
“Don’t worry, baby. I’ve got you,” he pleads with his eyes for me to trust him. “I promise, you’re safe.”
Jaw clenched, I give him a curt nod.
I trust him. With all of my black heart and damaged soul.
And fuck, if that isn’t the hardest thing in the world for me to do anymore, I don’t know what is.
River removes his hand from my ass and reaches over to the edge of the blankets for the bottle of lube we brought in here last night. Uncapping it, he squirts a good amount on his index and middle fingers, rubbing them together to coat them completely.
“We’ll go slow,” he whispers, moving back over me to trail warm, wet kisses down my chest and abs. “If you want me to stop, tell me, and I will.”
When his lips brush the tip of my cock, I groan.
Fuck, I want him so bad. I’ll let him do whatever he wants to me. I don’t fucking care. I just want him to erase the painful memories, the touch of the wicked human who did those vile things to me.
“Touch me, Abhainn,” I plead. “You’re already driving me crazy.”
I feel him grin against my pubic bone before he gives it a light nip. “In good time.”
“Now,” I demand.
“Baby,” he murmurs, licking the underside of my cock with a long, slow stroke while he meets my gaze. “I told you I would stop if you wanted me to, and I will. But make no mistake about it, it’s about damn time I’m the one officially in charge.”
My cock jumps at the command in his voice.
God, and when I didn’t think he
could get any sexier.
Moving his coated fingers back towards my puckered hole, he takes the crown of my cock in his mouth and gives it a firm suck, still holding my eyes. The pad of his thumb brushes over my taint as he takes me deeper into his mouth. Eyes closing, he gives into his task, moaning around my cock as he swirls his two fingers around the rim of my ass, never breeching it.
My hips buck on reflex when the tip hits the back of his throat. He takes advantage of the movement, beginning to ease one finger through the tight muscles of my ass.
It burns at the first intrusion in years, but it doesn’t hurt. Slowly, I allow myself to sink down on it completely, both of us moaning at the sensation.
Fuck, even with the burning, I forgot how good this can feel.
River slides in his second finger, working me open for him while taking my cock deep into his throat. His head bobs up and down a few more times, allowing nearly all my length into his mouth before he presses the pads of his fingers on that little button inside me at the same time he lightly scrapes his teeth against the underside of my cock on the upstroke.
My toes start to tingle, and I see fucking stars.
“Abhainn. I’m gonna come, baby,” I groan as he continues to work me over. He slides a third finger into me and at this point, I’m practically riding his hand. I’m lost in the sensation of his fingers, his mouth.
Just lost in him.
River rubs against my prostate and takes me deep, sucking hard, and I can’t hold on any longer. I bear down on his fingers as hot cum spurts from my cock, harder and faster than a bottle rocket, sliding down his throat. He keeps sucking me and fucking me with his hand, milking every last ounce of cum from my orgasm and I swear to God, I lose all feeling in both my legs.
“Oh, shit,” I pant as he pops off my cock and brushes kisses against my hips.
My mind is blank, and my entire body is in bliss while River leans over and sheathes himself with a condom, smearing the latex with copious amounts of lube. He leans down and presses a kiss to my lips before settling himself back between my legs, the tip of his cock pressing against my hole.
And just like that, I’m on full alert once again. Except this time, it’s not panic or fear.
It’s anticipation. Desire. Need.
My cock is already beginning to harden against my abs because I’m fucking insatiable when it comes to River Lennox.
Having him is like taking your first hit of weed or line of blow. You didn’t know what to expect from it, but fuck, the high sure does make you feel on top of the world.
“Are you sure?” he asks softly.
“Please, I need to feel you. I’m fucking begging you.”
Even in the darkness, I can see him smile and his eyes light up as he slowly presses his hips forward, crowning me.
The burning begins again, seeing as his cock is much larger than his fingers, and I wince, breathing deep through clenched teeth.
Slowly, painfully fucking slowly, River continues to sink into me until he bottoms out, hips flush against my ass.
“Fuuuuuuck,” I groan, feeling so full of him.
His cock, yes. But also just… him. I’m beginning to realize there’s no part of me he hasn’t taken for himself.
Including what’s left of my heart.
“You gotta move,” I plead, desperate for more friction.
He leans down, our hot breaths mixing as our lips brush against each other. “What did I say about who’s in charge?” he asks, still unmoving.
“River,” I start, but he cuts me off.
“Who is in charge tonight, Rain? Who has their cock in your ass? Who is about to fuck you?”
“You. You are,” I tell him, not giving one flying fuck about relinquishing control to him. Tonight, I’ll submit. I already know I’ll love every minute of it.
He can have whatever he wants, I’ll gladly give it to him.
My obedience is rewarded with his mouth crashing into mine. He nips at my lip as he begins moving inside me in long, slow stokes. I pant into his mouth, loving the way his cock feels deep in my ass while our tongues tangle.
Nothing in the world could ruin this moment.
The sky could come crashing to the ground and it wouldn’t make a dent in the blissful bubble we’re in right now.
River moves his hips more quickly, building up speed and I find myself lifting my hips, desperate to meet him thrust for thrust. Every brush of his cock against my prostate shoots lightning up my spine and straight to my brain.
It’s never been like this.
Full of passion and emotion and… hell.
Love.
His movements become jerkier and more sporadic, so I know he must be getting close. I grasp my dick between us and begin tugging it in tandem with each stroke of his cock, but as soon as River takes notice he bats my hand away, gripping my length in his palm.
“Your orgasms are mine,” he tells me, leaning back and fucking me with reckless abandon, his hips slamming against my ass cheeks. “I’m the one who gets you off.”
“Yes,” I huff, pleasure sailing through me. “You. Only you.”
River grabs my hip, his other hand still stroking me, and fucks me harder and faster and deeper.
Needy. Damn near frenzied.
His thumb spreads the cum leaking from the head of my dick around the tip before rubbing against that spot right under the head as his cock makes pass after pass on my prostate. I can’t stop myself. I go off again, my entire being sent into a state of pure ecstasy as cum bursts from me, coating my torso.
River lets out a throaty groan as he finds his own climax, his thrusts slowing dramatically. Soon, he stops moving completely, just leans down to kiss me softly before pressing his forehead to mine.
Our sweat and breaths mix, our pounding hearts trying desperately to come back to Earth.
After kissing me again, soft and sweet, River eases out of me and climbs off my body. “I’ll be right back. Don’t move.”
I hear the sound of a toilet flushes down the hall and the sink running briefly before River returns, a damp washcloth in hand. He gently wipes my stomach clean of my release, not meeting my eyes as he does so.
Which is not River-like at all.
“Hey,” I say, grasping his chin in my hand. “What’s wrong?”
He bites his lip, glancing away. “I didn’t hurt you, did I?”
I huff out a laugh. “No, babe. I loved every second of it.”
He visibly relaxes and finishes cleaning me off before discarding the cloth on the ground beside us. Slipping under the blankets again, he lays on his side to face me, so I mirror his pose. I reach out and take his hand in mine, keeping my eyes locked on our hands while I play with his fingers.
“Thank you for trusting me,” I hear River whisper after a few minutes. “I know that was probably the hardest thing you’ve ever done after what he did to you.”
Thoughts of my stepfather cause me to stiffen.
River is nothing like that man.
River’s kind and caring and loving and everything that he isn’t.
Everything I’m not.
“I don’t want to be like him,” I whisper, allowing my worst thoughts to be brought to light as I look up to meet his aqua gaze.
“You aren’t anything like him.”
“Yes I am. I was. That first time in the shower,” My next words catch in my throat. “I raped you.”
“No,” he says immediately, his voice firm. “We’ve talked about this, Rain. At Christmas. I never said no. I never asked you to stop.”
He’s right, of course. Doesn’t mean I don’t carry that burden with me every single day though.
“That might be true, but it was close enough.”
River looks like he wants to disagree at first, but then he nods slowly. I see it written all over his face, how much torment I put him through that morning not even four weeks ago.
“I’m still so fucking sorry, Abhainn.”
Just when I th
ink his silence might kill me, he sighs and looks deep into my eyes.
“Are you ever going to do it again?”
I shake my head. “I’ll never take what you aren’t giving me willingly.”
A small smile graces his gorgeous lips. “Then you aren’t him.”
Leaning into him, I place a soft kiss on his mouth.
Wishing I could believe him.
I wake up a few hours later, my eyes burning from lack of sleep as I open them to find Rain still passed out beside me in the blanket fort. His hair is disheveled, strewn over his forehead haphazardly as his chest rises and falls with his deep, steady breaths. His fully tattooed arm, the one covered in a Celtic sleeve, is tucked under his head as a makeshift pillow because somehow through the night, they both ended up on my side of our makeshift bed.
I watch him for a while, taking in his sleeping form, admiring this brave human who decided to open up to me in ways I never imagined last night.
He let me into his mind, his heart, his body.
And while the last one might not seem like such a feat, I know the amount of trust he gave me in that moment.
My own heart on the other hand, it’s in some deep shit. As each day passes and we get closer to our departure from this little slice of Eden we’ve found, I know I’m in for a rude awakening.
Because this thing between us, it’s become so much more than just sex, fuck buddies, frienemies with benefits, whatever you want to call it.
It’s none of those things, not anymore. To be completely honest, I don’t think it ever was, apart from that first time.
Maybe even then.
I watch him sleep, how peaceful he looks, and I hate that this is the only time he seems to find some semblance of freedom from the ghosts of his past that haunt him.