by Lori L. Otto
“Well, how do we know these aren’t wrong?”
My heart stops beating for a second.
“Well, we can go to a doctor and have him do blood tests. In fact, I think we should do that. Do you have a doctor like that?”
She shakes her head. “Not here.”
“Well, we can go to Planned Parenthood or something. I think there’s one on the west side.”
“Okay,” she agrees.
“Okay?”
“Okay.” I grab my keys from the kitchen island. “Now?” she asks.
“Sure, now. Don’t you want to know, for sure?”
“Yeah, I guess so.”
“Okay.” I help her with her jacket and take her hand in mine, giving her a kiss before leaving the loft.
I drop her off at her apartment after our visit to the doctor’s office. She wanted to be alone, and I completely understand.
“I guess we’ll have to take all that stuff back,” she says with a frown.
“It’s not important. If you want to keep it, you can. If you want me to take it back, I will. It’s up to you.”
“Well. If you don’t mind, I’d like the shoes and the teddy bear. I’m sure we’ll have a need for them someday.”
“I’ll put those aside,” I offer, ignoring her last statement. “I can return the rest?”
“I guess, yeah.”
“Okay. Well, baby, go get some sleep, okay? I know this has been an exhausting day for you.”
“Will you call me later?”
“Of course. Love you,” I tell her with a kiss.
“I love you, too.” She sweeps my hair to the side, staring at me for a moment before closing her door.
All the way home, all I can think about is how I’m going to tell Emi. How I’m going to talk to her at all, in fact. I’d left her alone since the fight, but I think this news will change things, and put us back on the path to our strange version of normal. I miss her so much… and wonder if she misses me at all.
I just don’t know how that kiss is going to affect what we have. In her mind, I’ve cheated on Sam with that one, tiny, thoughtless action. She’s definitely lost some trust in me. I don’t need her to tell me that to know that. I know her and how she thinks.
God, when was the last time things were good between us? It feels like months.
Only an hour after I get home, I can’t contain myself any longer.
“Sam’s not pregnant,” I text her, knowing she wouldn’t answer my call.
“That’s good news, I guess,” she finally responds.
“It is,” I confirm quickly. After ten minutes, I stop waiting for a response. “When can we talk, Emi?”
“I’m busy.” Busy. With him, I wonder? Is she truly busy, or just blowing me off? Because I get the distinct impression that it’s the latter.
“Emi, I can’t stand this anymore.”
“Well, how do you think I feel?” she responds quickly.
“I don’t know. You won’t tell me. You won’t talk to me.”
“Are you still seeing her?”
“Yes. When will you not be busy?”
“Does she know we kissed?” I could answer with a no, but I feel like so much more needs to be said, and explained. So much more than I want to send over a fucking text message. I try to call her, but as I expected, she declines my call.
“When will you have some time for me?” I give up, texting her again.
“After you’ve told her the truth.” I don’t see the point in telling Sam, though. It would only hurt her… needlessly, at this point.
“I’m sorry, Emi.”
“Why can’t you tell her?”
“Why should I?” I answer her quickly. “It was impulsive. It didn’t mean anything. It would just make her angry with you, and I don’t want that. It wasn’t your fault.” I regret sending it as soon as I hit the button. It was harsh. It was borderline mean. And it did mean something, to me at least… but I don’t want to put my heart out there to be hurt by her. I already know she felt nothing. She told me so herself.
“Leave me alone, Nate.”
“That’s not going to fix things,” I tell her. An hour goes by, with nothing. “Let me know when you’re ready to try to fix things.”
I never hear from her. It leaves me pondering my last text. What will fix things between us, anyway? I honestly have no idea. This isn’t just about telling Sam we kissed. There’s a lot more behind this that we both need to sort through.
A few weeks later– on Emi’s birthday, in fact– as Sam and I are doing dishes after dinner one night, I decide to have the conversation I’ve been plotting since the day I found out she wasn’t pregnant. I know she can sense something is coming. We’ve been drifting apart ever since, and she’s seemed resigned all day, although neither of us have been brave enough to bring it up.
I have to do what’s right. By Emi’s standard, and ultimately, by my own. I’m not that guy. And since I did feel something, it compounds my need to be honest with Sam.
“Sam, I have something I need to tell you.” I take the last plate from her and dry it off, putting it safely in the cabinet. “Come sit down with me?”
“Okay,” she says cautiously. She picks up the glass of wine I had poured for her and takes it into the living area. We both breathe heavy sighs together, and lightly laugh after. I’m sure it’s the last time either of us will smile tonight.
“I kissed Emi,” I tell her, steeling myself to look in her eyes, to see her reaction, to face it head-on.
“I know,” she says levelly.
“You know?”
“Yeah. I um… if you’re going to let me play with your phone, you should probably delete texts you might not want me to read.”
“Sam… shit, I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay,” she says quickly, taking my hand in hers. “I was mad at first. I don’t know the details… and I’ve decided I don’t want to know. But the fact that it didn’t mean anything to you… well, that means everything to me. That’s all I need to know.”
I stare at her, my mouth agape.
“You just kissed, right?”
“Yes,” I exhale.
“Once?”
“Yeah, it was one night. We were figh–”
“I don’t want to know. Really. I forgive you.”
It wasn’t supposed to be this easy. It can’t be.
“Just promise me it won’t happen again.”
I nod to her slowly. “It won’t.”
“Okay,” she smiles. Actually smiles. “I’m really happy you told me. If you hadn’t, then I would have worried.”
“Why are you making this so easy on me? Shouldn’t you be mad?”
“Because I love you, Nate. And I know you feel the same way about me. Sometimes things just happen, to test us. This was a test, and we passed.” She sips her wine. “If we can make it past this, well. We can probably make it past anything… don’t you think?”
“Well, we’ve made it through a lot already,” I chuckle softly.
“We have,” she agrees. “I think we’re ready to move forward, Nate.”
I raise my eyebrows, curiously. “And what did you have in mind?”
She smiles softly. “Remember that pear-shaped diamond?” My stomach drops.
“Yes?” I refuse to jump to any conclusions.
“I want to marry you, Nate. And I want you to make the same commitment to me. I think we’re both ready.”
“No, I’m not.”
“You don’t have to go out tomorrow and buy it,” she laughs, patting my leg. “But I’d like to know that it’s coming. That’s all.” She makes no hesitation at all when she says this. She’s that confident that this is what I want, too.
But it’s not. It’s so far from what I want that I can’t let this go on any longer.
“It’s not,” I tell her softly. “It’s not coming.”
Her brows furrow in confusion. “I don’t understand.”
“I like what
we have here, Sam, I do. We have a good time together. I care about you. But I can’t see myself marrying you. I’ve tried.”
“I think you’re just scared of the idea of marriage.”
“That’s just it, I’m not. It’s what I’d like someday. But I don’t see myself growing old with you. I just… don’t.”
“How can you say that?” she says, finally starting to get angry.
“Because it’s the truth. I don’t want to lead you on.”
“And how can you be so sure?”
“I just am.” I know what I feel for Emi. And it’s not what I feel for you. I can barely admit it to myself, much less Sam. “You just have to believe me.”
“Believe you?” she scoffs loudly, wiping her nose and getting up off the couch. “How can I believe anything you say to me? Or anything you’ve ever said? What if I had been pregnant?!”
“You’re not,” I tell her rationally.
“But if I was?”
“I can’t create feelings that… aren’t there… ” I swallow slowly, knowing that’s going to hurt. “I’m sorry. Everything just happened so fast.”
“You’re gonna regret this,” she says. “I’ll be that one that got away. And Nate, you will be sorry.”
I just nod my head in understanding.
“I gave you my virginity, Nate.”
“I wasn’t in it for that, Sam, and you know it. I cared about you.”
“Past tense, cared?”
“Sam, nothing I say is going to make this any easier. I’m not good at this. We can string this out and fight about it, or you can let me take you home. Either way, my mind is made up, and the outcome will be the same.”
“I’m not going anywhere with you. Marcus will get me a cab.”
“He will,” I assure her.
“So that’s it. You mess around with me for months, and I don’t even get to try to convince you to stay with me? It’s not fair.”
“Sam… ”
“No, that’s fine. I’m not wasting any more time on you. I get guys’ numbers all the time at work. I don’t need you.”
“Good,” I tell her stoically. “I’m glad.”
She nearly screams in frustration. “You’re not supposed to be glad. You’re supposed to be jealous. You’re supposed to realize what you’re going to be missing.”
“Sam, come on. This is enough. Why are you doing this to yourself?”
“Because we’re meant for one another, that’s why. How can you not see that?”
“I just don’t.”
“Fine,” she says, finally grabbing her things.
“I’ll notify Marcus.”
“Fine,” she repeats.
“Goodbye, Sam.”
“Screw you, Nate.”
My eyes closed, I try to process my feelings. I can’t get beyond the thought of Emi. I decide to go and see her right away.
“Happy birthday, Emi,” I tell her, my voice strained as I try to read her. She just glares at me blankly.
“Yeah, it’s really happy, thanks,” she mumbles. “You can’t just keep coming over like this,” she warns me as she opens the door to her apartment.
“Well, then, you’ll have to start taking my phone calls. Or at least returning them.” I walk into her apartment and sit on her bed.
“I will when I’m ready,” she says, following me to her bed and wrapping her hand around my upper arm, pulling me back up. “Why do you keep pushing things?”
“What are you doing?”
“We can go for a walk, but I don’t really want you over here, invading my space.” I stop in my tracks and just stare behind her. “Come on.”
“Invading your space?”
“Yeah.”
“I guess I didn’t realize there was such a division here. I apologize.”
“Come on,” she says again, clearly annoyed and signaling for me to follow her into the hallway. “You’re not calling the shots.”
“As if I ever have,” I mumble after her, hating her tone and wishing she would soften it just a little. In my mind, this was supposed to be much easier.
Once we get outside, she starts walking down her street and turns south on 1st Avenue. She finally addresses me as a gusty warm wind blows in our faces.
“What’s going on?” Her question sounds so general, so casual.
“I told Sam about our kiss today.”
“The guilt finally got to you, huh?”
“Look,” I tell her, taking her by the shoulder and spinning her around to face me. I push her hair back behind her ear, holding it against her head since the wind refuses to let up. I keep my other hand on her shoulder. “Let’s cut it out with the sarcasm, please. We’re never going to get anywhere if you keep talking to me like that.”
“Well where would you like things to go, Nate?”
“I want things to get better between us, Emi. I think you want that, too.”
“I do,” she says plainly, her jaw still set. “I just don’t know how that can happen.”
“I have some ideas.” She searches my eyes and simply nods her head. I drop my hands and begin walking again slowly. She keeps pace easily. “Sam and I broke up,” I tell her.
“Shocking.” I look down at her from the corner of my eye. “You’re right, I’m sorry,” she concedes.
“Thank you.”
“So she dumped you.”
“No,” I tell her, still surprised with Sam’s response. “She forgave me.”
“Wow,” Emi says. “That’s not what I expected.”
“Well, she said that she wouldn’t be mad, as long as the kiss didn’t mean anything.”
“And lucky for us, it didn’t, right?” She stares straight ahead when she says this. I get the distinct feeling she’s simply quoting my words. She starts picking at her nails nervously.
“That’s just it.”
“What’s just it?”
I take a deep breath and walk a few more paces before stopping at a red light. My attention focused on the pedestrian signal, I begin to talk. “I did feel something.” The light signals us to walk, so I step out into the intersection, waiting for her to speak. It’s not until I get to the other side that I realize she didn’t cross the street with me. She’s just staring at me from the other side, the red light keeping us apart again.
Her eyes don’t blink, and even with the distance, I can see her breaths quicken as her shoulders move with each inhale, exhale.
“You felt something?” she yells from across the street. A few people around us pretend to not pay attention, but they’re too close to avoid it.
“Yeah!” I speak loudly back to her. “I did.” I hope she can hear my confirmation over the traffic, but the words nearly get stuck in my throat as my heart throbs in my ears. “I do.”
“And why are you telling me this now?” The light changes again and people begin to cross, but Emi stays planted on her corner, and I don’t realize she’s not coming toward me until it’s too late. I look both ways, but traffic is coming, so I remain on the curb, waiting for the next light.
“Are you coming across?” I holler to her.
“No!” she says quickly.
“Okay, well, wait there.” She starts to shake her head, slowly at first, then faster. She starts to turn away from me. “No, wait! Emi!” I call out. Her gait is bewildered as she stumbles away from the street. I start running as soon as the light signals me to.
“Go get her!” a woman shouts from behind me. I do feel like I’m suddenly in a movie. Only when I get to the other side, Emi’s not waiting for me with open arms. They’re actually crossed in front of her chest as she continues walking in the other direction.
I’m short of breath when I get to her. “Wait,” I breathe. “Please.”
“Why?” she says as she glares angrily at me.
“Because I’m trying to tell you something. I’ve been wanting to tell you this for– well, forever.”
She laughs– laughs– at me.
“Whatever, Nate.” She rolls her eyes and walks ahead. “Save your breath.”
“What? No!”
“When did you say you and Sam broke up?”
“Today. Just an hour or so ago.”
“And you’re telling me this now, why?”
“Because it couldn’t wait!”
“More like you couldn’t wait. You just can’t stand to be alone, can you, Nate? So you go to the next woman you think you have a chance with, right? Have you run out of women, Nate? Have you fucked the whole city already, and I’m the only one left?”
“God, Emi, no.”
“I’m not a placeholder, Nate. I’m not the bookmark that waits for the next chapter of your life to come along. I’m a human being. I thought I was your friend.”
I swallow hard, disbelieving how this conversation has turned out. “You are. I just… I just want you to be more. I thought you might feel the same way.”
She slants her eyes at me in disgust. “I’m not interested, thank you. I’m not desperate.”
“Is it Colin? I’m a better man than him, Emi. I’ll prove it to you, every fucking day. I am a better man,” I plead with her, holding her hand in mine.
“That’s debatable. But no, it’s not him. It’s me. I have my dignity, Nate, and your fear of being alone isn’t going to take that from me.”
“That’s not what this is at all, Emi!”
“We kissed, Nate. So the fuck what? People kiss every day and live to regret it, just like I do. You said it meant nothing to you. You told me that–”
“I was trying to protect my feelings–”
“By hurting mine?”
“I didn’t mean to. Did it? Did it hurt your feelings, because if it did, you must have felt something for me, too.”
“No,” she says, her posture steeled and her eyes mean. “You are so arrogant. You think the whole world revolves around you, don’t you?”
“Actually, no. I feel like it revolves around you.”
I can hear the surprised sigh escape her lips as her cheeks blush. She swallows hard. “Well, you know I didn’t feel anything. So you’re wasting your time.”
“It’s bullshit, Emi.”
“No, it’s not.”
“Then why have you been acting like this?”
“Like what? Depressed? Withdrawn? Colin and I broke up, that’s why. Thanks for asking.”