“You want to make it another day?”
Cady stared at her shoes. It was silent all around them. From somewhere else in the station, Cady could hear the moderated tones of a newsreader.
She shook her head slowly.
“You’re not here for a raincheck, are you?”
“No.” She took a deep breath, needing all her strength to tell him. “We have to end it. We can’t see each other anymore. I mean, we’ll see each other at The Drop Zone, of course, and, you know, maybe at the post office. But—”
Dex was silent.
“The thing is, I’m settled here. I have a business. I’m part of Glacier Creek. Memories of my mom and gran are in every step I take up and down Main Street. Whenever I used to look up at those mountains, I would think about hiking with them both and all the amazing things they showed me. But you know what? Now, when I look up at the mountains and that big Montana sky, I don’t think of sunshine and wildflowers and clouds and rain and snow. I think about you jumping out of a plane. And not making it.” Cady looked around the room and everything in it was a reminder of what Dex did for a living. “You’re too much of a risk. I’m not cut out to be with a guy like you, Dex. I’ve lost too much and I’m just not strong enough to lose someone else.”
Dex breathed hard, rubbed a hand over his hair.
“C’mon, Cady. Don’t do this. I’m safe. I’m here, aren’t I? Unless I prick myself while I’m sewing.”
Cady held up a hand. “Stop it. This isn’t a joke.”
He came closer, rested a hand on her arm.
God, she would never feel his touch again. The thought was agony.
“Cady. Let’s talk about this tonight. Not here.”
“No, this is it. I can’t feel this scared one more minute. That’s why I had to come tell you know. I’m sorry, Dex.”
His grip on her arm became a caress. She half wanted to rip his fingers away, half wanted to hold them forever.
“You know what I see when I jump out of a plane?” His words were quiet, soothing, plaintive. “In those first few seconds after I jump, it’s quiet. It’s like there’s just me and the wind and the clouds. In that moment, before I have to think about the drop zone and where the clearing is, I try to find Glacier Creek. If we’re on the other side of the mountains, I look east. If we’re on this side, I search my way around Flathead Lake and I pick out Main Street and I try to see Cady’s Cakes. Because knowing you’re down here, waiting for me when I get back? That’s always been my dream, Cady.”
No, no, no. “Don’t make this harder for me than it already is. I can’t cope with the nightmares anymore.”
The muscles in Dex’s jaw moved as he clenched it. “Nightmares?”
Her voice caught on a sob. “Every night I dream about your dying.”
“For fuck’s sake, Cady.” Dex moved in, wrapped his arms around her tight and, oh, so loving.
Her tears spilled, drizzling down her cheeks and on to his uniform. “It’s too dangerous to be with you, McCoy.”
“I don’t want to hurt you, Cady. Ever.”
“I know.” Cady wrenched herself from Dex’s arms, turned, and left Dex standing stoic and alone. She drove home to Glacier Creek, sobbing more with every mile.
Chapter Fifteen
Dex was on-call for the next five days and he slept at base in the bunk room. He didn’t go home, didn’t walk into his apartment, which now felt strangely empty now that Cady was gone from his life. Every spare moment, doing chores around base, sitting in training sessions in which he tried to concentrate on what Captain Sam Gaskill was saying, and every night as he listened to one of his crew mates snore like a freight train, he thought about what Cady had told him.
And the realization he’d made her scared and frightened, that he’d brought on her nightmares, that she’d dreamt about him being killed on the job, gutted him. It felt like his insides were being ripped out and sewn back together with a chainsaw. Whenever he remembered her tears, her sobs into his shirt, he felt a new urge to drive right over to Cady’s Cakes and tell her she was wrong.
He’d spent ten years without Cady and didn’t want to add one more day to that tally of loneliness. So every spare minute he had was consumed with working on a plan to win Cady back.
He needed to show her life had to be lived in the moment. His mother’s death—so young—and Russ’s death had convinced him of that. So had Lila’s accident. And the old couple with the dog that lost their lives in the burnt-out cabin? He wondered if they’d had unfulfilled dreams, too, things they’d put off for the rainy day they never got to have.
He’d been a drifter because he had nothing of his own in Montana. But those days were over. He was serious about staying in one place and it was going to be Glacier Creek because of Mitch and Sarah and Lila—and Cady.
Words weren’t his strength. He’d never hit the books in high school with any great enthusiasm, unlike people like Cady. She’d worked damn hard then—and now—to make her dreams come true.
Every job he’d ever done used his hands and his strength. He didn’t talk the talk. He walked the walk.
Actions spoke louder than words, his mother had always told him.
And that was what he was going to do to win Cady Adams back.
He was going to prove he was a safe bet. That he was someone who would stay. That he was worth risking her heart on.
The only thing he had to figure out was how the fuck he was going to do it.
*
If Cady thought breaking up with Dex would stop her nightmares, she’d badly mistaken. In the week after the heart-wrenching conversation, she’d dreamt a wildfire had ravaged the mountain tops above Flathead Lake, swept down into Glacier Creek, and she was the only survivor. The next night, she was running down Main Street naked as a jaybird and Dex had driven by in his truck, leapt out, and covered her with a black and white cow hide. In another, she was back at the culinary institute in the middle of a practical exam and she’d opened one of the drawers under the workbench in the test kitchen and there had been no cooking utensils in it.
After every dream, she woke sweating and breathless, disoriented, the images so vivid behind her eyes she was frightened in the dark quiet of her bedroom. After every dream, she reached out a hand to the empty side of her bed, knowing Dex wasn’t there but wishing he was. The sheets were cold. The scent of him had already gone.
She knew this was for the best. After all she’d lost, she couldn’t put her heart at risk again. When her mother and grandmother had died, she’d almost flunked out of the culinary institute, almost lost the dream they’d all worked so hard to help her achieve. She couldn’t let them down by failing.
But why were her dreams worse not better?
She’d dragged herself up the stairs and flopped on the sofa. She tried to summon up the energy to stick a frozen meal in the oven but decided she wasn’t hungry. She just wanted to sleep, needed to close her eyes and drift away and not endure another nightmare.
As she kicked off her chef clogs and rested her feet on the coffee table, her phone rang. She almost didn’t answer it. But it was Jacqui and Cady needed to talk to a friend.
“Hey, Jacqui.” She tried to find an enthusiastic tone.
“Cady.” There was a long pause. “How are things?”
“Oh, you know. Busy. Getting by.”
“How was business today?”
Cady yawned. “Good.”
“I’ve been wondering how you are. You kind of ran off when you were at base the other day. If you need to talk, you know where I am. Do you want me to come around with some wine?”
“No, it’s okay. That’s really kind but I’m beat. I’d be moderately good company for about an hour before I nod off in the middle of a conversation.”
“Cady, it’s okay to feel sad.”
Just the word had Cady’s chest hammering with hurt. “I feel sad and heartbroken and alone. I know what I’ve done is for the best but…”
“If t
here’s a ‘but’, there’s hope.”
“I love him, Jac. Pretty stupid, huh?”
“No. It’s not stupid. Being in love is wonderful.”
“Not when it makes you feel this way.”
“I’ll tell you what I’m going to do,” Jacqui said. “I’m going to round up Laurel and Lina and Callie. Let’s do something Saturday night.”
“That sounds great,” Cady said, trying desperately to feel it.
But inside, she felt hard as stone.
Chapter Sixteen
On Saturday morning, Mitch lifted Lila up into the front seat of Dex’s truck, which was parked out the front of the house on North Fork, and the little girl waited while her father fastened her seat belt. Behind the wheel, Dex fastened his too and waited a moment to savor the expression on Lila’s face. He was about to take her on her long promised uncle date to Cady’s Cakes and she looked happy as a clam. She wore a green sweater with unicorns on it, denim jeans, and green sneakers with sparkling silver laces. Her hair was pulled back into a single braid that was halfway down her back.
“You okay?” Dex asked her. “Done up tight there?”
She nodded seriously and Dex thought she might be shivering with cold, before realising it was excitement.
Mitch leaned in to the cabin. “You okay there, pancakes?”
“Daddy,” Lila admonished, “I’ll be fine.”
Mitch glanced past Lila at Dex.
“You’ve really got to do something about this old rust bucket. You sure it’s safe?”
“ ’Course it is.” Dex laughed. “Think I’d take Lila anywhere if I thought this old truck was going to fall to pieces on the way there?”
Dex knew what his brother was really saying—look after my baby girl—and Dex didn’t need to reassure his big brother Dex would take a bullet for her.
“Let’s go, Uncle Dex. Bye, Daddy!”
Dex started the car, its old engine rumbling, echoing across the front yard at North Fork, and they waved goodbye as they rounded the drive and headed out to the front gate. It was a quiet Saturday morning on the road to Glacier Creek. The fall sun was shining through the front window, warming Dex’s cheeks and shining on Lila’s curls, but Sarah had made sure to send a coat for Lila in case it got cold.
As they drove away from North Fork, Lila was speechless for a full sixty seconds. And then the questions started.
“How long will it take to get there, Uncle Dex? Do you think they’ll have hot chocolate? I love hot chocolate. I was looking for Cady’s Cakes on the internet and there’s not even a website. Why isn’t there a website? There’s a Facebook page but there’s no menu. How can I decide what kind of cupcake I want? Doesn’t Cady like computers, Uncle Dex?”
Dex felt like he was being cross-examined by one of the suits from a TV crime show. “Whoa,” he said with a chuckle, checking the rear view mirror. “When did you get to know all this stuff about computers?”
“Uncle Dex.” Lila giggled, clearly feeling so sophisticated about the way she navigated the world. “Mommy’s taught me everything about computers. We look up stuff all the time.”
“You’ve got the best teacher in the world, you know that?”
“She’s not a teacher, she’s my mom.”
“Doesn’t she teach you stuff?”
Lila nodded. “Of course. But I don’t get to call her Mrs. McCoy or anything.”
“No, you wouldn’t, I guess.” They drove for a mile or two, looking out over lush green paddocks and fields, the sky cloudy in the distance, a portent of winter on its way.
Dex was struggling to find the right way to ask Lila about her life. Did she miss school? Did she miss her friends and playing in the schoolyard at lunchtime? And the hardest question, the one that tore at his heart—was she scared about what people would say?
In the end, he approached it the Uncle Dex way. “Hey, Lila.”
“Yes, Uncle Dex?”
“You know in that movie you like so much, the one with all the ice?”
Lila rolled her eyes and his heart melted for the thousandth time in her company. If she had sass she might just be able to handle what the world was going to throw at her. Because shit would get thrown. People could be cruel and misguided and total asshats.
“Of course I do. It’s my favorite movie forever.”
“Well, you know how Elsa sings that song when she figures out that she doesn’t care what people say about her?”
“Uh huh.”
“I reckon she’s really clever.”
“Me, too. I never care what anyone else says, except for Mommy and Daddy and you.”
Lila stared straight ahead at the open road, Dex turned his head to look out his side window so she wouldn’t be able to see the tears streaming down his face.
*
Cady glanced up, past the Saturday morning crowd, at the very moment Dex pulled up into a parking spot right out the front. She sighed. So what if he was sexy and gorgeous and kind—none of those things meant he could park in a spot reserved for people with a disability parking permit. She took a deep breath, not particularly wanting to pick a fight with Dex over something some people considered trivial. To her wheelchair-using customers, it was anything but.
She pushed open the door.
Dex was already out of the car and around at the passenger side of his truck. The red door was swung open wide and just as Cady was about to call out to him, suggest he unload whatever he was unloading somewhere else, she saw a little girl with a mop of curls. They stepped back out of the way as Dex closed the door.
“That must be Lila,” Cady murmured to herself.
When Dex put out his hand to Lila and she put her left one in his, Cady held her breath at the sight of the happy young girl and her smitten uncle. And when Lila limped towards the sidewalk, Cady gulped in a lungful of air, whispering, “Oh no.” Her heart twisted, but Cady swallowed the sympathy she felt and knew from talking to her wheelchair-using customers wasn’t needed, and smiled.
“Hey there,” Cady called out. She lifted a hand to shield her eyes from the morning sun and propped the other on her left hip.
Dex looked up, careful to help Lila negotiate the gutter and then he gave Cady a serious expression. “Good morning, Cady.”
“Good morning, Cady.” Lila looked up at Cady, her face a mix of what Cady sensed was apprehension mixed with a good dollop of excitement.
“Well, now. You must be Lila McCoy. I’m so very pleased to meet you.” Cady held out her left arm to shake Lila’s left. She steadied herself, let go of her uncle’s hand, shook firmly, then held on tight again.
“We’ve come for a hot chocolate and a cupcake,” Dex said. “If that’s okay.”
They exchanged a loaded glance. Of course he was welcome. They were adults. Just because they weren’t seeing each other anymore didn’t mean they had to be strangers.
God, it was so good to see him. “Of course, it is. Please, follow me. I have the perfect table for my very special guests.” Cady ushered them inside to a table for two right in the front window. Not only was it warm with the sun shining in, but from this position, Lila could look out on to the street to observe all the passers-by and activity on Main Street.
“Uncle Dex. Look! I can see the flower shop. Can we go and get some flowers for Mommy and Daddy after this?”
Dex helped Lila sit and moved her chair closer to the table before sitting opposite her. “Sure we can. But, I don’t know anything about flowers. You’ll have to choose something nice.”
“I can help you with that. I used to work in that shop,” Cady added.
Dex glanced at her. Cady knew he remembered she’d made up the bouquet when his mother died.
“It must smell beautiful in there,” Lila said, lifting her chin.
Cady’s heart melted at the little girl’s attempt at being sophisticated and worldly. “It did, but you know what? I used to prick myself with the rose thorns all the time.”
Lila laughed and De
x looked seriously at her, which she found unsettling.
“So what can I get you today?”
Dex stood. “Cady, can I come and look at what you’ve got in your cake display over there? I’d like to surprise Lila. Will you be alright, Miss Lila?”
“Of course I’ll be all right. I’m not a baby, you know, Uncle Dex. You’ll just be over there.”
Cady smiled, remembering what it felt like to be eight-years-old with a desperate desire to be an older, more sophisticated girl. Life was simple when you were eight. She could have kicked herself at thinking that. It might have been for her, but life wasn’t so simple for Lila, would perhaps never be without its complications and its accommodations.
“We’ll be right back with the best cupcake Cady’s Cakes has.”
Dex followed Cady past crowded tables to the counter.
She stopped, looked back at the little girl. “God, she’s adorable.”
Dex smirked. “She’s eight years old going on twenty one.”
“I’ve never seen her here, with her mom or dad.”
“No.” Dex stood tall, keeping a careful eye on his niece across the shop full of people.
Cady eyes welled. “I didn’t know about her disability.”
He turned to her, his gaze direct. “I know. Not many people do.”
“Sarah and Mitch have kept her hidden away up there at North Fork, haven’t they?”
“Her rehab’s been slow. There have been ups and downs and Mitch and Sarah want to keep a close eye on her. They’ve built a wall around her. They want to protect her from people, what they might say and do. You think kids would be the worst, but, you know? Adults can be cruel. And stupid. Full of bullshit advice, too.”
Cady could hear his fiercely protective instinct in every syllable. And while it was great to have him as a protector now, Lila would grow up one day. Uncle Dex wouldn’t always be around to shepherd her and watch over her.
“They should be really proud of her.” Cady had never had the urge to have children.
Flame (Firefighters of Montana Book 5) Page 11