I shake my head. I haven’t been trying to think too much about Ethan and the phone call. I keep trying to tell myself that he’s probably just having a hard time. I mean, it has to be hard seeing someone you care about who can’t remember you at all.
“I don’t want to talk about him either,” I tell her, stirring my drink.
Ella sucks the last of her drink down, gagging as she swallows the alcohol piling up in the bottom beneath the ice. “Why not? You never used to be so closed off about guys. In fact, you told me stuff about Parker that I really didn’t want to hear.”
“Ethan’s different from Parker.” I shrug as memories of what happened with Parker surface, but I swiftly shake them away. “Besides… I don’t know… I think that maybe Ethan and I should just be friends.”
Her forehead furrows as she props her elbow on the countertop. “Why?”
“I don’t know,” I say. “I worry he might not be as into me as I’m into him.”
Ella muses thoughtfully over this with a trace of a smile playing at her lips and a drunken look in her eyes. “You think so?”
I tilt my head to the side, studying the strange look on her face. “You know something, don’t you?”
“I know a lot of things.” She spins around in her stool so she’s facing the packed dance floor. “Like the fact that Ethan has never ever talked about a girl so excessively until you.”
I rotate around in my stool, too, leaving my empty glass on the counter. “When has he ever talked about me?”
She smiles, the glow of the lights on the dance floor shining across her face. “For, like, the last month. Micha says he hasn’t stopped talking about you.”
“He’s probably saying what a pain in the ass I am,” I say. “I’m sure I’m driving him crazy, living with him.” Plus all the drama I’ve brought into his life.
“He’s both complained and gushed,” she remarks, making an exaggeratedly swoony face and then rolls her eyes. “Would you quit worrying? Jesus. You’ve never been like this with guys before. Usually you don’t give a shit.”
“I don’t give a shit,” I lie, but it comes out so pathetic sounding that I give up and just say the truth. “All right, you know what, you’re right. I do worry about how Ethan feels about me, but I also haven’t felt this way about a guy before.”
“What way?” she asks with interest, leaning in so she can hear me over the music.
“I can’t tell you yet because I need to tell him first.” I give her a halfhearted smile. “Now can we please have a subject change, perhaps something that doesn’t have to do with me and my life?” I thrum my fingernails on the counter. “Like maybe you could tell me what had you all teary-eyed back at my house.”
Her expression falls as she takes a deep breath and then, shaking her head, she grabs my hand and tugs me toward the dance floor. “Come on, let’s dance and have some fun,” she says, steering us through the crowd.
She’s acting weird and I wonder why, but I decide to let go of both of our problems and have fun. I laugh as I trip in my heels and push my way to the center of the dance floor. I start shaking my hips and spinning in circles, enjoying the moment, but in the back of my head something is on my mind that I continue to grow restless over. Ethan. I can’t stop thinking about him. I’ve never been so consumed by a guy before. Not even with Sean. With Ethan it’s so much different. For one thing, I know him, more than I know any other guy who’s breezed in and out of my life. He’s a good guy, sweet, even though he pretends otherwise. He’s been there for me, more than anyone else in my life. What if he doesn’t want me how I want him? Will I turn to pills? I’m not sure what the answer is to that and it’s kind of scary. However, there is a thin spot of hope left. I haven’t run to the pills again, even when I was in my mother’s house and knew I had full access to them. It makes me feel sort of strong and confident.
Ella suddenly lets out a deafening squeal as a guy rushes up behind her and wraps his arms around her waist. When he swings her around I see it’s Micha, and he’s laughing as she works to catch her breath. It’s the first time I’ve seen him since he moved away. I remember how sexy I thought Micha was when I first met him. He had these striking aqua eyes and this really soft-looking sandy-blond hair. His lip was pierced, too, and I remember thinking how I’d never kissed a guy with a lip ring before and the idea of doing so felt like I would be doing something naughty, like I was slumming it with a bad boy. Then I saw how he looked at Ella, the love in both their eyes, although Ella wouldn’t admit it, and I knew there was no way I’d ever be able to even so much as hit on Micha. I remember how bummed out I was about it because I was heading home and I really did feel like doing something with a guy who was different from the other guys I hooked up with. Then I met Ethan and I remember thinking how hot he was and how much I wanted to hook up with him. I figured I’d get drunk, have sex with him, and return home feeling numb and content. The problem was Ethan wasn’t like the guys I normally hooked up with and he wouldn’t sleep with me. He insisted he’d only be friends with me.
“Hello, Lila.” Micha grins at me and then kisses Ella’s neck. “How have you been?” he asks between peppering Ella with kisses.
She shivers into his touch. “Stop, that tickles,” she protests through laughs, but I can tell by her expression that she likes it.
Micha bites at her neck and laughs when her eyes close and she protests more. He gives her a soft, loving kiss on the cheek, and then his eyes focus on me. “You look good, Lila, especially the hair. I like it.” Micha has always had this charming way about him. Ella said that before her he slept with a lot of girls and I can see why. Still, so has Ethan and he is anything but charming. In fact, he’s very blunt most of the time and I guess that can be sexy, too, since it worked on me.
“Thanks,” I shout out over the music as I touch the tips of my hair. “It was an impulse cut.”
He winks at me. “A good impulse cut. It works on you.”
I smile, glancing at Ella as she gets this weird look on her face, not looking at me but over my shoulder.
“Could you tone down the dazzling, man.” Ethan’s voice rises over my shoulder and the second the sound touches my ears heat, want, self-doubt, and excitement rush through my body. “Seriously, can’t you turn it off for, like, two seconds? It’s fucking ridiculous.”
“I’m not doing anything,” Micha replies in an innocent tone. “Besides giving her a compliment.”
“Whatever,” Ethan says and then his hands touch my waist.
I pretty much die of a heart attack. My heart is acting insane, crashing against my chest, like it wants to flee. I tilt my head back and look over my shoulder at Ethan. “I thought you weren’t coming here until tomorrow?”
His expression is unreadable, his eyes dark, his hair all messy, and he’s starting to get a five o’clock shadow. I love the look on him, but the reluctance in his eyes makes me wary. “Can we go somewhere and talk?” he asks.
“I…” I look back at Ella, who nods and motions at me to go ahead. I turn back to Ethan, who’s trying to smooth the wrinkles out of his gray shirt. “I guess I can.”
He smiles, but there’s worry behind it, and suddenly my mind flips on, running about a thousand miles a minute. He’s just seen his ex-girlfriend. What if it turns out he still loves her? What if he’s come to tell me this? What will I do? Break? The idea of going back to pills seems so easy and yet at the same time so hard. The idea of going back to that girl who relied on medication and sex to make her feel better almost makes me sick. I don’t want to be her. I want to be the Lila who’s been developing over the last month: the pill free, clear-headed one, who can live without money or fancy clothes. The one who felt every part of the experience with Ethan and didn’t feel ashamed or worthless.
I don’t want to die all over on the inside. I don’t want beauty and money to define me. I want to thrive. And that’s what I’m going to choose to do.
Chapter Nineteen
Lila<
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It’s been a while since I’ve been this nervous. Right after the thing with Sean happened, one of the Precious Bells told the entire school. I remember sitting in my room the day it happened, dreading going to class, fearing what everyone would say. I was actually sick to my stomach. In the end I had to go to school and everyone started calling me a whore. It was all a big joke to them. They cut me apart, ripped me to shreds, but nothing hurt as much as the fact that Sean had never called afterward. He’d simply untied the ropes, zipped up his pants, grabbed his jacket, and muttered a “That was great,” before slipping out the hotel room door.
As Ethan and I sit on the bed in Ella and Micha’s quaint little guestroom, I feel like I’m headed to that same place, but I’m not sure why. Ethan hasn’t really said anything. He was being standoffish on the phone. I need to stop overanalyzing.
“So how’s everything been for the last few days?” Ethan asks, leaning against the headboard. He looks tired, bags under his eyes, like he hasn’t slept in a while.
I shrug, kneeling on the bed near where his knees are. “It’s been going good… Although I did go to my house and ran into my mother.”
He straightens up a little, his muscles tightening. “Why the hell did you go there? You should stay away from them. Your parents are fucking douche bags.” He pauses, assessing me like he’s afraid they physically broke me or something. “Are you okay?”
I nod. “As okay as I ever am.”
“What did they say to you?”
“They didn’t say anything to me. My father wasn’t there.”
“What did your mother say to you then?” he asks, looking unhappy.
I shrug, unable to keep a frown on my face from forming. “Nothing she hasn’t said before.”
He presses his lips together and shakes his head. “You need to stay away from them… the things you told me they’ve said to you… they don’t deserve you.”
I love you. God, I do. I sit down, crossing my legs, my dress riding up a little. “I know, but I didn’t go there to see them. I went there to steal a dress out of the closet.”
He arches an eyebrow. “A dress?”
I shrug and then tell him about the dress and what happened with my mom, surprised by how easy it is to tell him the truth, down to how I felt about knowing the pills were so close. I wanted to rip them out of her purse and devour them. I wanted to make myself feel better, but I didn’t do it. I know now they don’t make me feel better. They just make me not feel.
“It’s normal,” he says when I’m done. He sits up and turns to the side so he’s facing me. “To want them when you know they’re near. What’s important is that you didn’t take them.”
I nod, trying to pick up his vibe, but he’s stoic and it’s frustrating me. “How about you? How was…” God, this is so hard. “How was seeing London?”
He waits a moment to respond, looking me over with his eyebrows furrowed as if he’s perplexed. “It wasn’t like how I thought it would be.”
I take a deep breath, fearing the answer, fearing the worst, but ultimately telling myself that I have to handle it because I won’t go back to being what I was. “And how did you think it would be?”
He keeps staring at me, not saying anything and it drives me crazy, to the point that I feel like I’m going to explode.
“Ethan, would you please tell me what you’re thinking?” I kneel up in front of him as I wince at the neediness in my tone.
A breath eases out of his lips as he reaches for my hips, surprising me when he folds his fingers around me and brings me to his lap so I’m straddling him. “I’m thinking that I missed you.” His forehead creases as he says it. “In fact, I was kind of surprised how much I was thinking about you the entire time.”
I’m not sure whether to be happy or offended. “You weren’t planning to think about me at all?”
He shakes his head, staring at me like he’s lost. “I honestly thought I’d go there and be completely focused on saying goodbye and letting London go, but it turns out I think I already had in a way… I think it might have happened the moment I decided to be with you.” He pauses, contemplating, his lips quirking. “I’m kind of sounding cheesy right now, huh?”
I try not to smile, but I’m failing. “Cheesy can be good, though. Like in the movies. Everyone always ends up happy.”
“You think we’re going to end up happy?” He seems wary.
“I honestly don’t know, but…” I gather my breath and my courage as I place my hands on his shoulders. “But I’d kind of like to find out.” I hold my breath while I wait for him to say something.
He plays with a strand of my hair, twirling it around his finger and then tucking it behind my ear. “I don’t want to turn out like my parents… I don’t want to hurt you.”
“I don’t either,” I say. “I want us to be happy.”
“Relationships can be ugly. I’ve seen it.”
“So have I.” I pause, not wanting to ask but needing to know. “But, Ethan, I don’t get it. You say you don’t want to be in a relationship, yet you were in one with this girl… London.”
He keeps looking into my eyes, really looking at me as he cups my cheek and grazes his thumb across my cheekbone. “Things with London were always intense and easy because we never talked about anything, really. She made me feel free in a strange way, because she never made me feel like I had to give her anything. We just kind of coexisted.”
I frown. “It sounds like your dream.”
He shakes his head. “I thought so, but I was wrong. I never really knew anything about her. It was easy and fun to be with her, but I think that was because we were high all the time. I think I liked the idea of her, but with you…” He trails off, his eyelids lowering as he chooses his words carefully. “God, half the time you drive me crazy. You challenge my patience. Piss me off. Make me feel things… That’s the thing, Lila. You make me feel things for you, even when I’m fighting it. No one has ever done that to me.”
“So you want to be with me?” I’m so confused. “Even though we sometimes clash?”
“I told you I did a long time ago,” he says, brushing my hair from my eyes.
“When?”
“In the desert. Back when I told you we should go on a road trip together.”
“I thought you were kidding about that.”
He slowly shakes his head, never taking his eyes off me. “At the time I told myself I was, but deep down I’ve known for a while that there’s no way I could leave you behind.” His chest rises and falls as he takes a deep breath. “I… I love you, Lila.”
My heart stops in my chest. I’ve heard the words uttered many times in the heat of the moment, from guy after guy wanting to get into my pants, but never like this. I’ve never known someone like this before we had sex. I’ve never been friends first.
Tears start to form in my eyes as the last six years pour through me. All those years of feeling worthless, unloved, unworthy of love. God, it hurt more than I let on. I can still feel the pain inside my body, haunting me, along with every choice I’ve ever made in life. But the thing is, they’re in the past, and moving forward I need to stop being so fixated on the things that have happened and focus on what I want to happen.
“I love you, too,” I blurt out, overly excited but not caring. “I really do.”
He releases a breath and then smiles. “Jesus, for a second there I thought you were going to reject me or something.”
“Never,” I say and kiss him softly on the lips, feeling the connection I’ve never felt with any other guy. “I could never reject you.”
I start to move back, but he cups his hand around the back of my head and kisses me forcefully. Our lips melt together as we kiss each other passionately, his hands wandering all over my body, across my bare back, tracing a line down my spine. He tastes me, steals my breath away as I press closer to him, wishing that we could stay this way forever.
My heart knocks in my chest as he slips the strap
s of my dress down my shoulders. I can feel every single aspect of his touch and I embrace it. All those years I was dead inside, locked in a coffin I built myself, and I’m finally free. The contact of our skin sends a rush through my body and a hunger surges through me. I want to feel what I felt the night we had sex. I need to right now. I pull away and he watches me with confusion as I slip my dress down my body, unable to wait any longer. I need him close to me more than I need air.
After I kick my dress to the floor, I return to his lap and straddle him. Before I reconnect my lips to his, I slip his shirt over his head and he watches me the entire time, his expression unreadable. I throw his shirt onto the floor and then trace my fingers along the lines of his muscles and the tattoos that brand them. Each one I’m sure tells a story and one day in the future—our future—I’ll have to get him to tell them to me. I splay my palm flat across his chest, feeling his heart beat against my hand. It thumps hard, erratically, nervously like my own.
“What are you thinking?” I whisper, lifting my gaze from his chest to his eyes.
His tongue slips out as he wets his lips. Then he places his hand over mine and brings it away from his chest and to his lips. “I was thinking about how badly I missed you.” He touches the bottom of my wrist with his lips and places a kiss delicately on my skin.
“You already said that.”
“I know, but it felt like something that needed to be said twice.”
I can’t help but smile at the nice, sweet side of Ethan Gregory that I’ve always loved. I’d tell him, but he’d probably argue, so instead I just kiss him. At first, the kiss starts off sweet, but then suddenly the pace quickens as he undoes the clasp of my bra, tosses it aside, and flips me on my back. I let out a blissful moan as his lips travel from my lips, to my jawline, collarbone, finally resting on my breast. He kisses my nipple, hard, nipping and tugging in a way that almost instantaneously pushes my body to the edge. My back bows up into him and I bite my lip, suppressing a scream as I thread my fingers through his hair, pushing his face closer, wanting more. I’m still not used to it, feeling everything without being medicated. I wish it would always stay this way. I wish we’d want each other as much as we do now. And who knows, maybe we’ll turn out to be one of the lucky ones. Either way it’s worth the risk.
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