by L A Cotton
“Maybe later.” I closed my eyes and tried to shut it all out. The pain I felt every time I thought of that day, the heartache I felt thinking of Enzo, the utter despair I felt about the future.
“This isn’t you, Nora.” Concern coated Arianne’s words. “I know you’re hurting, and I know you need time, but don’t let this break you. You’re so strong.”
“I think I’m going to sleep now,” I whispered, refusing to look at her.
“Okay, you know where I am if you need me.”
But it wasn’t Arianne I needed.
It was Enzo.
And he’d left me.
Cool hands slipped over my hips and dragged my body backward. My eyes fluttered open as Enzo got comfortable behind me. The digital clock on the nightstand read a little after one. His lips hovered against the nape of my neck, whispering Italian words I couldn’t quite distinguish, save for one phrase.
Perdonami.
Forgive me.
I don’t know how I knew, but I knew this was the last time he would climb into bed with me. Deep down in my soul, I knew this was goodbye.
Tears stung my eyes as my body began to tremble.
“Nora?” It was a whispered slur, a faint trace of liquor on his breath.
Of course he’d been out drinking. Because that’s what guys like Enzo did. They drank and fought and fucked their problems away.
Damn you, Enzo.
The silence was deafening, the distance between us cavernous.
His breathing slowed and I knew he was falling to sleep. But I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t pretend for a second longer.
“Were you even going to tell me?” I whispered. “Or were you going to slip out as if you were never here?”
“You’re awake.” He tensed behind me.
“You didn’t answer my question.”
“I… Fuck, I don’t know what to say.”
I turned in his arms, staring up at him. “You can’t even look at me, can you?”
“Fuck, Gattina, that’s not what this is.” His eyes glittered in the dark, darting around my face, but never fully meeting my eyes.
“So what is it? Because I’ve spent the last two days in hell, waiting for you to come to me… and you didn’t.”
“I tried…”
“But you couldn’t.” I let out a resigned sigh.
“I’m so fucking sorry, Gattina.”
“Yeah, me too.” The words shattered my heart. But it was only what I already knew.
Enzo had given up.
He was so lost to his own demons that he couldn’t see what was staring him in the eyes. I didn’t want to beg, I wouldn’t.
I had too much self-respect for that.
I wanted to be someone’s sun. The center of someone’s universe. Instead, I was a burden. And now I was tarnished.
Broken.
“I think you should leave,” my voice shook.
“Nora, please don’t do this.”
“I’ve given you everything.” Tears dripped down my cheeks. “But it still isn’t good enough…” I’m not good enough.
“It isn’t you, Gattina. You have to know that.” Enzo cupped my face, running his thumb along the line of my jaw. He touched me like I was fragile glass, about to shatter at any second.
The irony of the sentiment wasn’t lost on me.
“You are so fucking good, so fucking strong. You deserve someone who can protect you, someone who will keep you safe. I’m not that guy, Nora.” Regret clouded his eyes. “I don’t know how to be that guy.”
Try, I wanted to scream. Just try.
But I didn’t want Enzo to try for me, I wanted him to try because he wanted to.
Enzo wasn’t done though. He closed the distance between us, letting his mouth ghost over mine. “I’m going to go away for a while.”
“W-what?” Panic flooded my veins.
He nodded. “I think it’s best we get some distance. I need to deal with shit, and it’ll be easier on you if I’m not around all the time.”
“When will you leave?” He was ripping my heart out of my chest cavity and he was too blinded by anger to see it.
“As soon as Uncle Toni is home, which should be a couple of days.”
“I see.” Ice began freezing around my heart.
“For what it’s worth, I am sorry. The last thing I ever wanted was for you to get hurt. You deserve the world, Gattina, and one day, you’ll find someone worthy of you.”
Enzo sealed his mouth over mine, kissing me slow and deep, tracing the shape of my lips with his tongue. I kissed him back, imprinting the taste of him, the slight scratch of his stubble against my skin, the way his tongue expertly curled around my own. For as much as I hated him in this moment, I never wanted to forget him.
I never wanted to forget that for a small moment in time, Enzo Marchetti had been mine.
“Go,” tears trickled down my lips, “go, before I ask you to stay.” I kissed him harder, never wanting to let go.
But eventually I broke away, inhaling a ragged breath. “You know you can keep running from life, Enzo, but one day, you’re going to look back and realize you had everything, and you tossed it away, and you’ll have to live with that.”
He climbed out of bed and pulled on his clothes. Without another word, he went to the door, lingering for a second. In another life he would have declared his undying love for me.
In another life, he would have stayed.
But this wasn’t a fairy tale.
And Enzo wasn’t the hero.
It took me another four days until I finally left Nicco and Arianne’s guest room. My body had finally begun to heal, but my heart… that would take a while longer. You didn’t just forget about someone like Enzo. But Ari was right, I couldn’t let this—or him—break me.
So I showered, pulled on some clean clothes, and joined Nicco and Arianne for breakfast.
“This is a surprise,” my best friend said.
“I figured it’s time to enter the real world again.” My shoulders lifted in a small shrug.
“I’ll get you a plate.” Nicco got up.
“I think I’m going to start classes up on Monday.”
“I think that sounds like a great idea.”
“Here,” Nicco offered me a plate. “If you need anything, you only have to ask.”
“Actually, I was hoping you might take me to Maurice’s grave.” I hadn’t attended the funeral. I couldn’t.
“Of course. Just say when.”
“Thank you.” A smile traced my lips. “How’s your father?”
“He’s finding being on bed rest hard. I think Genevieve is ready to throw in the towel.”
“She loves him.” Ari gazed up at him. “She’ll stick by him because that’s what you do when you lov—gosh, me and my big mouth.”
“You don’t need to do that, babe. It’s okay. I’m okay.”
I didn’t ask about Enzo. It was dangerous territory for me. But I knew he had left Verona since Antonio was home.
I locked down my unresolved feelings about him and tried to force down some pancakes.
“If it’s okay, I’d like to stay here, just a few more days.”
“Actually,” Ari said, laying her hand on Nicco’s hand. “We’ve been talking, and we’d like you to move in here.”
“Ari, that’s kind and all, but I can’t—”
“Hear me out,” she added. “We don’t mean live with us, but there’s an apartment up for rent right down the hall.”
“There is?”
She nodded. “It’s only a one bed but we checked it out and think it would be per—”
“Yes,” I rushed out, relief seeping into me. “If you’re sure you don’t mind, I would actually love that.” I wasn’t sure I could return to La Stella without Maurice. It would be a permanent reminder of what had happened. Not to mention that I wasn’t ready to see Luca. He’d been texting me, but it was still too raw. Part of me was relieved to discover he was moving back to
Pawtucket.
Nicco had filled me in on the truth; explained how Vinnie blackmailed Luca to do his bidding. But it didn’t diminish the fact that he’d drugged and kidnapped me. I could forgive eventually, but I would never ever forget.
“Of course. We’ll take care of everything. You can stay here until it’s ready.”
“Thank you.”
“We just want you to be happy, Nor, and to feel safe.”
“I’ll get there.” Heartache wasn’t something you could get over. You had to feel it, embrace it. You had to go through it to get to the other side. But every day, I was beginning to feel a little more of the old me push to the surface. I was a fighter. A survivor. And I would get through this. A sense of resolve washed over me, and I tipped my head to the ceiling, inhaling deeply.
I was going to be okay.
My heart would forever carry the scars of Enzo, but it was slowly piecing itself back together. Because I was resilient.
I was strong.
And I would get through this.
It was Saturday night and Matteo and Alessia had come over to hang out at the apartment. The rental wasn’t going to be ready for another week, so I planned to stay with Nicco and Ari until it was.
“Don’t start without me,” I said, getting up. “I need to pee and then I’m going to make a fresh bowl of popcorn.”
We were halfway through a movie marathon, and surprisingly, I was having fun. It was the first day I felt like myself. My cheeks hurt from all the laughter and smiling but it felt so damn good.
It didn’t stop the hole in my heart aching, but I was here and I was okay, and that was enough.
It had to be.
After washing my hands, I dried them on the towel and slipped back into the hall, but the low rumble of hushed voices gave me pause.
“Should tell her.”
“No, she’s been doing better. Knowing will only confuse her,” Ari said.
“I think she should know,” Alessia added. “She’s in love with him. It isn’t fair to keep it—”
“Keep what from me?” I stepped into the room taking the air with me.
“Fuck,” Matteo grumbled, while Arianne looked as guilty as sin.
“What aren’t you telling me?”
“Enzo isn’t—”
“Matt!” Nicco shook his head. “It doesn’t matter, Nora. It won’t change anything, and Ari is right, you’ve been doing so well. Don’t let—”
“Will someone please just tell me what’s going on?”
“Enzo didn’t leave,” Sia blurted out.
Nicco buried his face in his hand with a heavy groan.
“Guess the cat’s out of the bag.” Matteo smiled weakly.
“What do you mean, he didn’t leave? He said—”
“We know, Nor.” Arianne stood up and came to me. “But he couldn’t do it. He couldn’t leave.”
“W-why couldn’t he do it?”
“Why do you think?”
Pain lashed my insides. “Where is he then?” I cried. Because he hadn’t been around and no one so much as mentioned him around me.
Nicco made a derisive noise in the back of his throat.
“He’s in a bad place, Nor.” Ari took my hand. “It’s better you don’t—”
“He really didn’t leave?” It wasn’t supposed to matter. Part of me knew it didn’t. But the other part clung onto Alessia’s words, letting them grow into something else entirely.
He stayed.
He stayed… for me?
But he was still punishing himself.
“I need to see him.” The words spilled from my lips without thought.
“Nor, I don’t think that’s a good idea.”
“You’re probably right, but I need to see him, babe.” There was still so much left unsaid between us. Things I should have told him. Things I should have made him hear.
“Arianne is right, now is probably not—”
“Will you help me?” I asked Matteo.
“Oh, come on, Nora, don’t put me in this position.”
“Weren’t you the one who said not to give up?”
“Fuck,” he muttered. “I really need to learn not to open my big mouth.”
“Will you help me or not?”
He ran a hand down his face and blew out a steady breath. “I will. But I warn you now.” His expression dropped, making my chest constrict. “You might not like what you find.”
Chapter 31
Enzo
“I’ll have another one.” I slammed my glass down on the bar, and the bartender, a guy named Billy, shook his head.
“I should cut you off.”
“But we both know you won’t.” My brow arched and he shrugged.
“Suit yourself man, but you’re going to feel like an ass when I have to call Matteo or Nicco to drag your drunk ass out of here.”
Here was L’Anello’s. It was Saturday and the bar was crammed full of people looking for a good time. But I wasn’t here for anything other than to find solace at the bottom of a glass.
It had been days since I’d seen her.
I couldn’t even think about Nora without a huge pit carving through my stomach.
I should have left. I should have gotten in my car and driven far, far away from Verona County. But when it came down to it, I couldn’t do it.
I needed to be here, just in case she needed me. Just in case—
Fuck!
My fist curled against the sleek chrome counter. Nora didn’t need me. She probably hated me. I didn’t blame her. I was a fucking mess.
After the shitshow with Vinnie, I’d spent a couple of nights avoiding her in the day only to sneak into her bed at night to hold her. I think I’d always known she wasn’t really sleeping, but I hadn’t wanted to talk, and she seemed content in lying there in silence.
I knew it couldn’t last though. She would eventually want answers, answers I didn’t have. So I’d taken the coward’s way out.
And now I felt like a boat adrift without an anchor. Because that’s what Nora was to me, my anchor. She was my North fucking Star in dark, dismal skies, and I’d walked away.
Again.
I could imagine my old man and my brother looking down on me, reveling in my misery. I’d killed them both, exterminated them like the vermin they were, but somehow, I was the one still here suffering.
I just needed it to stop. I needed them to get the fuck out of my head.
“Hey, Enzo.” A brunette stepped into my line of sight, laying her hand on my thigh. “You’re looking good.”
For a second, I had to blink through the liquor haze clouding my thoughts. It wasn’t Nora, I knew that. But if I squinted a little and didn’t focus too hard, she bore some resemblance.
“You look lonely, you should buy me a drink and I’ll keep you company.” She batted her eyelashes, smirking suggestively.
“Not tonight.” I removed her hand from my thigh. “Take a walk.”
She pouted, twirling a finger around a lock of hair. It was longer than Nora’s, and a lighter shade of brown.
Upon closer inspection she wasn’t anything like my Gattina.
Her pet name on my tongue slayed me. I hadn’t even spoken the word, but it was right there. Taunting me. Reminding me of everything I wanted and could never have.
“Another.” I flagged Billy down, ignoring the girl. Eventually, she took off, moving onto the next available guy.
“Not your type?” he asked.
“Nah.”
“More of a blonde and fake tits kinda guy?”
“Something like that.”
Or at least, I used to be. Until Nora had swept in and blown everything I thought I knew to shreds.
“I need to piss.” I drained my fresh drink in one and wiped my mouth with the back of my hand. The second I stood though, the room spun.
“Whoa, there, Enzo, take it easy.”
“I’m good.” I waved him off, stalking across the crowded room to the bar. Guys stopped
to greet me, and girls tried to get my attention, but I didn’t feel like socializing.
In fact, it was a bad fucking idea that I was here in the first place. But it beat being back at my apartment, alone and miserable, wondering what Nora was doing, and whether she missed me as much as I missed her.
Fuck, I missed her.
I missed her smile and sass and those stupid fucking t-shirts she liked to wear.
I just missed her.
But I wasn’t good for her. I’d proved that one too many times.
I managed to stumble my way to the restrooms, staggering into a stall to do my thing. When I was done, I washed my hands. My reflection stared back at me. The dark circles around my eyes were haunting.
His eyes.
My fist flew out before I could stop it, colliding with the glass. It shattered, slicing open my knuckles.
“Fuck.” Blood dripped down my hand and I grabbed a bunch of paper towels out of the dispenser and wrapped it around the cut, trying to stem the flow.
A couple of guys burst into the bathroom, took one look at me and immediately backtracked. Everything was still spinning as I staggered out of there.
“Oh my God, Enzo,” the girl from a second ago came rushing over. “What did you do?”
“Doesn’t matter,” I grunted, trying to shake her off. But she wrapped her hand around my arm in a vice grip and steered me back toward the bar.
“Whisky on the rocks.” She signaled Billy. “And a bucket of ice and a first aid kit.”
“I’m fine.”
“You’re getting blood everywhere.” Her eyes went to the wet soggy paper towel stained red.
Billy came back with her order. “You might want to do this somewhere a little quieter,” he suggested.
“Good thinking. Come on.” She tugged me back through the crowd, slipping into a door marked ‘private.’ A security guy nodded at me, or maybe he was nodding at her. Everything was starting to get really fucked up in my head. But then she was pulling me into a small room with a crushed velvet couch. “Sit,” she ordered.
“What’s your name?” I slurred as I dropped onto the plush couch.
“Natalia. Now let me look at your hand.” Gently unwrapping my hand, she flinched. “You made quite a mess of this.”