by Emily Forbes
But no matter what she thought about Charlie kissing Bella she knew he couldn’t have made her sick. She’d got sick much too soon afterwards for that. Evie didn’t blame Charlie for giving Bella an infection but she would certainly blame him if he broke Bella’s heart.
Although he’d seemed sincere when he’d said he wished there was something he could do for Bella, and Evie knew he meant it, it was just that there wasn’t anything practical either of them could do. They were both in the same situation, both useless.
Or was she? she wondered, as the lift doors opened, delivering her to the emergency department, and she saw Finn going into the doctors’ lounge. Was she useless or was there something she could do?
She’d been avoiding Finn as much as possible. She was still irritated with him over the disappearing trick he’d pulled, but now she needed to speak to him. Here was her chance.
She followed him into the lounge, hoping he was alone.
As she pushed open the door she saw Finn turn away and shove something into his pocket before he turned back to face her. She glanced around and noted there was no one else besides them in the room. ‘Do you have a moment?’ she asked.
‘What is it?’ he barked at her, but Evie chose to ignore his tone. She needed to speak to him and if he was going to bite her head off, that was a chance she was prepared to take.
‘I have a favour to ask, a professional favour,’ she added before he had a second to object. ‘Bella is back in hospital, she has another lung infection and she’s deteriorated badly. She’s in a critical condition and desperately needs a transplant.’ As quickly as she could she explained why she was there—she didn’t want Finn to have an opportunity to interrupt. She didn’t want him to have time to think of a reason to say no. ‘The other day you asked if there was anything you could do. I need to know if your offer still stands.’
‘What do you need?’
He was rubbing the outside of his right upper arm while he was speaking to her. His movement was distracting but he didn’t seem to be aware of it. She’d noticed this habit on a few occasions, usually when he was in a bad mood, and although his tone wasn’t quite as angry as before it was still hardly what she’d call pleasant. But she wasn’t going to let him dissuade her and she pushed ahead with her request.
‘If—when,’ she corrected herself, ‘a donor becomes available for Bella, would you assist Sam with the surgery?’
‘Why? Sam is more than capable.’
‘I know, but I’d feel better if you were both in the theatre. I couldn’t think of two better people to have operating.’
‘Joe Minnillo would normally assist,’ Finn argued. ‘What do you plan on telling him? That he’s not required?’
Evie shook her head. ‘No. He could be there as well. I’d just prefer it if you were there too.’
‘It’s not all about you, princess.’
She hated it when he called her that but she wasn’t about to have that discussion with him now. There were far more important things on her agenda. ‘I know that,’ she retorted. She felt like stamping her foot or shaking him. Why did he have to be so pig-headed? ‘It’s about my little sister. Organ transplant is a massive undertaking. You and Sam together are the best in the business. Wouldn’t you want to give your sibling every chance if you were in my situation?’
Finn’s heart had been so badly damaged a long time ago that he was amazed it could still beat, let alone still be wounded by old memories, but Evie’s words were like a knife through his heart and he could feel the air being knocked from his chest. Evie knew he’d lost his brother. How dare she use that against him like this?
The memories flooded back into his consciousness, accompanied by the sensations of a time he’d rather forget. He could almost feel the hot desert wind on his face and taste the gritty sand in his mouth, the sand that had managed to make its way into every crevice, making life uncomfortable, making working conditions even more difficult. But the heat, the noise and the sand had been the least of his problems.
Isaac’s face erupted from his subconscious. He closed his eyes but that just made the memories more vivid.
He could hear the whistling of the bombs raining down onto the army base. The deafening explosions as they thudded into the buildings and the ground and the people unlucky enough to be in their way. He could feel the sensation of the earth shuddering as bombs detonated. The screams of the injured, the moans of the dying.
He could smell the scent of death, the sweet, distinctive smell of blood, the putrid, foul scent of torn intestines. He could feel the warm stickiness of fresh blood, his own blood mingling with the blood of others. He could see devastation everywhere he looked. Buildings were reduced to rubble and protruding from that rubble were the limbs of the dead and the dying.
He remembered how it felt to hold someone he loved in his arms and watch as they died. He could recall his final words, begging, pleading, for Isaac to hang on just a little bit longer, until help was at hand.
But it had all been in vain. He’d had to watch as Isaac breathed his final breath, watch as his eyes stared vacantly, seeing nothing. He remembered the awful feeling of helplessness and hopelessness, knowing there was nothing he could do.
At the time his anguish had been so all-consuming it had obliterated his physical pain. He hadn’t even registered until much later that he too had been injured.
And even though his injuries had been extensive, his physical pain severe, it had been nothing compared to the pain of losing his brother.
‘Finn? Are you okay?’
CHAPTER EIGHT
HE OPENED his eyes to find Evie watching him closely. She was staring at him, a worried expression in her hazel eyes, a narrow crease between her eyebrows as she frowned. She was probably wondering what on earth had got into him. Isaac had died a long time ago but Finn still felt his loss just as keenly today.
A sharp, hot pain burned into his right biceps, shooting from his neck down his arm. This pain was a daily reminder of everything he’d lost. He could feel his thumb going numb and he opened and closed his hand rapidly, trying to encourage his circulation, even though he knew it was a wasted exercise. The numbness wasn’t caused by poor circulation—it was all related to a damaged cervical disc—but although the physical pain was coming from his neck, the emotional pain was coming from deep inside him. Rubbing his arm and clenching his fist would do nothing for his discomfort.
‘I’m fine,’ he lied.
He thought he’d done such a good job of burying his grief. He was surprised to feel the pain of events from years ago resurfacing and shocked by its intensity. He knew he would react just as Evie had in the same situation. He knew he’d try his hardest, try anything, to save his sibling.
He’d been there too. He couldn’t blame her for wanting the best.
‘There’s no point discussing this now, not until a suitable donor is found. I’ll talk to Sam then,’ he said. He would speak to Sam about assisting him for Bella’s operation and, if Sam was agreeable, he would help, but he couldn’t see the point in making arrangements until there were lungs for Bella. The pain in his arm—and in his heart—was starting to overwhelm him.
He knew his tone was dismissive but he wanted Evie out of the room. His painkilling tablets were burning a hole in the pocket of his white coat and he needed to take them soon, before his pain worsened, before he developed a headache, but he wasn’t about to take them in front of anyone. Especially not Evie. She was bound to ask questions. She didn’t seem to know when to leave well enough alone.
Charlie’s day had been long and exhausting. He’d had a complicated hip replacement op, which had required total concentration, but he’d found his mind had kept drifting to Bella and fighting to keep his attention focussed in Theatre had only added to his exhaustion. He was looking forward to calling into Pete’s Bar for a beer before heading home but he wasn’t leaving the hospital without seeing Bella first. If he had to sit beside her and wait for her to wake up
, he would. Being with her gave him some respite from the madness of his days. She was always so calm and composed and he found that refreshing. He had a habit of being constantly on the go and Bella made him stop.
Usually he got his downtime in the water. Swimming laps gave him a chance to clear his head. He loved that solitary sensation, the fact that no one could talk to him or expect a conversation as he swam lengths of a pool or dived through the waves, but recently he’d found that Bella’s company gave him that sense of peace as well.
He made his way to her room. Through the window he could see Evie sitting with her. A surgical mask covered the lower half of Evie’s face but her eyes were puffy and her cheeks, what he could see of them, were tear-stained. She was holding Bella’s hand but Bella was very still and very pale and for a moment Charlie thought the worst before he realised all the monitors were still attached and he could see her pulse and blood pressure registering on the screen.
Evie looked up and saw him standing on the other side of the glass. She stood and came to meet him, pulling the mask from her face as she came out of Bella’s room.
‘What’s going on? Why are you crying?’ he asked as the worry he’d been battling with all day came flooding back.
‘She’s gone downhill, I don’t know what the matter is, it’s almost like she’s giving up.’ Evie’s voice caught in her throat and Charlie knew she was holding back tears.
‘Why would she do that?’
‘I have no idea.’
‘Has Sam been to see her?’
Evie nodded. ‘But he didn’t have any answers. Physically he says her condition is unchanged.’
‘What else has happened today? Has anything happened to upset her?’
‘Miranda came to see her.’
‘Your mother? Why?’ Charlie knew Miranda’s presence was always enough to upset any of the Lockheart sisters.
‘Apparently Bella asked her to come.’
‘What on earth for?’
‘I don’t know, she wouldn’t tell me. She hasn’t said anything else. The nurses told me Bella asked them to call Miranda. And now Bella’s just lying there. Not speaking.’
‘She’s awake?’
Evie nodded. ‘Would you talk to her, see if you can find out what’s going on? She can’t give up, she has to keep fighting.’
Charlie agreed with Evie. Bella couldn’t give up. ‘Bella seems to think your mother left because of her. Because she isn’t perfect enough. Is she right?’ he asked.
‘She told you that?’ Evie’s voice was incredulous.
Charlie nodded.
‘We’ve never had an explanation as to why she left so I couldn’t say if Bella’s illness contributed to Miranda’s problems, none of us can say, but Bella has always felt it was tied to her. I’m not so sure.’ Evie was frowning. ‘I can remember, even when I was small, being told she was lying down with a headache and I wasn’t to disturb her. That probably started when I was five, around the time Bella was born, and I have wondered whether that was when she started drinking, but I couldn’t say for certain because I don’t remember anything from a younger age. I do know things escalated when I was nine. That’s when Miranda left for the first time. Bella was four, Lexi was two and I was nine.
‘I’m really not sure who even made the decision that Miranda would move out,’ she continued. ‘It could have been our father. He bought her an apartment and he still makes sure she’s okay but from then on we were never allowed to spend any time alone with her, not while we were little. Any time she spent with us was always supervised by nannies. Sometimes I wonder whether that was the right decision—children need a mother—but I guess Miranda wasn’t the sort of mother Richard wanted for us. Whether it was him or her who decided she’d move out, I know it was Richard who organised the supervision and none of us has an easy or normal relationship with our mother.’ Evie shrugged. ‘Miranda suffers from depression and an addiction to alcohol. If you want my opinion, I think Miranda would have had problems even without Bella’s illness. I think she’s one of those people who just finds life itself hard to cope with. Her behaviour has affected us all but in time you learn to ignore it or accept it.’
Charlie didn’t think any of the sisters had accepted it and he wasn’t sure how successfully they ignored it either. Particularly Bella. ‘Bella’s made a few references to your mother and I think it’s something she hasn’t learnt to ignore or accept yet. You and Lexi might have been able to do that but I don’t think Bella has. I’ll talk to her but there’s no guarantee she’ll tell me anything.’
‘I know, but she’s told you a lot of things lately that have surprised me and I don’t have any other ideas,’ Evie said as she stripped off her gown and threw it into the linen basket as Charlie started to scrub.
Scrubbed and gowned, he hesitated in the doorway of Bella’s room. The room looked wrong but it took him a second or two to work out why. There was none of Bella’s personality on display. There was no sketch book, no laptop, no DVDs.
Bella’s eyes were still closed but some sixth sense must have alerted her to his presence because she opened her eyes as he crossed the room. The expression in them made his heart shrink in his chest. He felt it shrivel with fear. She looked crushed, exhausted, and he realised he’d hoped Evie had been wrong. But she knew Bella better than anyone so of course she’d pick up on her sister’s emotions.
Bella looked defeated and his immediate thought was that he had to find a way to restore her spirit. He’d come to rely on her strength and courage and to see this expression of resignation in her eyes was frightening. He was not going to watch her give up. Not without a fight.
He mustered up his courage, striving to sound positive as he picked up her hand and brought it to his lips. ‘Ciao, Bella.’
She had so many leads coming off her it was impossible to get near her, and her hand was the only part of her he could get to. He kissed her fingers through his mask. As far as kisses went it was rather unsatisfactory but it was better than nothing.
He got a faint smile in response to his greeting. Her usual warmth was lacking and her smile didn’t reach her eyes but he refused to give up. He sat beside her in the chair Evie had recently vacated. He didn’t let go of her hand. It was silly but he felt by holding onto her he could anchor her to his world.
‘I missed you while I was in Brisbane.’
‘You did?’ Her voice was hoarse. It sounded like her throat was hurting, which wasn’t surprising given the nasogastric tube she had running into her stomach.
‘You would have loved it. There was more food than even you would have known what to do with; the drug companies are very generous with their sponsorship of those conferences. I’ll take you with me next time.’
‘Next time?’
‘Unless you’ve changed your mind. Is all this …’ he gestured around the room ‘… an elaborate ruse to get out of our deal?’
She was shaking her head but even that slight movement seemed like an effort. ‘I don’t think there’s going to be a next time.’
‘What do you mean?’
There was a cup filled with ice chips on the table over her bed and she reached out and picked up the spoon, slipping an ice cube into her mouth. Sucking on it, moistening her throat before she answered. Charlie waited, still holding her hand.
‘I’m tired. I’ve had enough.’
His heart, which was already sitting in his chest like a lump of stone, sank to his stomach. ‘What? Why? What about all the things you wanted to do?’
‘It’s too late.’
‘No, it’s not. You were going to fight. What’s happened? Why would you give up now?’
Bella turned her head away from Charlie but not before he saw tears in her eyes. First Evie, now Bella. What was going on? Miranda. It had to be.
He wasn’t going to let her ignore him. He wasn’t going to let her keep her problems bottled up inside her. That wouldn’t do her any good. He needed to know what had happened. He needed t
o understand what was going on if he was going to be able to help. And there was no other option. He knew that keeping things bottled up allowed the hurt to fester, allowed it to feed on itself until it could take over a person’s soul until you couldn’t see a way out.
‘Evie told me Miranda came to see you today. How did that go?’
She turned her head to face him. ‘It was good.’
Charlie felt his eyebrows lift. That wasn’t the answer he’d expected. ‘Good?’
‘I asked my mother to come,’ Bella explained. ‘There were questions I wanted answered, questions I’ve never been brave enough to ask. I told her I wanted to know some things before I die.’
‘You’re not—’
‘Don’t.’ She lifted a hand as she interrupted him. ‘I’m struggling, Charlie. I don’t want to keep fighting for every breath.’
Charlie couldn’t find the words he needed. Why couldn’t he think of something to say? He should have some words of inspiration, words of encouragement, but he had nothing. Bella continued speaking as Charlie sat, mute and confused. ‘I got the answers I’d been looking for. It’s not my mother’s fault they weren’t the answers I wanted. I’ve only got myself to blame.’
‘What was it you wanted to know?’ he asked, even though he was pretty sure he knew the answer.
‘I asked her why she left us.’
Bella pulled her hand from his hold to pick up the cup of ice chips. He thought she was using the cup as an excuse to break the contact but there wasn’t much he could do about it.
‘And?’ Surely she was going to tell him the rest of the story? He could understand why she might not have shared this with Evie, particularly if the tale was unpleasant, but she couldn’t leave it here. He had to know more.