by Libby Doyle
“I think maybe that’s why I’m confused now, by you. I have no idea what to do, how to act. I can only guess at what’s normal.” She snorted at how ridiculous it was.
“I’ve had heavy-duty therapy, and I’ve tried. It’s not like I’ve stayed away from men, but it’s always been bad. Now I realize it was because I didn’t feel anything. I was just going through the motions. After a while, I told myself I could never have a healthy relationship. That it was too late. But you, um, you make me feel things.” She squeezed his hand.
“So I wanted to keep you at a distance, to see if I would feel a little less out of control. I’ve been imagining things. To be honest, I feel like I’m going nuts. The weekend we spent together was amazing, but it scared me.” She withdrew her hand from his. When she spoke, her voice was small and weak. “It still scares me. I’m a wounded person, Rainer.”
He made a sound, something like a moan, then he reached for her. He tipped her chin so she would look at him and placed his hand gently on her neck. She felt its warmth, somehow bigger than the gesture, like he could shield her from all harm so long as he was touching the slightest part of her. He drew her head to his chest.
“I will heal you,” he said.
Zan rested against him, savoring how he felt, his reassuring solidity. Her whole life, she had rarely leaned, but now she let herself be cradled.
In the office Monday morning, Zan was hoping Mel would not ask about Rainer, given that she hadn’t followed her friend’s advice. After the revelations about Zan’s miserable, drunken past, Rainer had cherished her so completely that nothing could have pried her away from him before that morning. She wondered how she would explain it.
I don’t understand what’s happening to me at all, but I don’t care as long as I can be near him.
“Morning, Mel,” Zan said. “Check this out. Those clowns Jamal arrested might not have told us anything, but we might be close to getting ourselves a surveillance target anyway.” She held out a lab report.
“Lemme see.” Mel snatched the report and squinted at it. “They raised the serial numbers? How great is that?”
“Yep. The ATF can help us trace the guns, and hopefully, we can stake out whoever sold them. And just when we thought our straw-purchasing investigation was going nowhere.”
“We owe Jamal a bottle of Johnnie Walker.”
“We do. So you want me to fill out that ATF request?”
“I’ll do it. I’ll call my friend over there and email it right to her. Might be faster. I know it’s tedious, but you should really keep looking through the files for known associates of convicted straw purchasers, see if there’s anyone we have the means to squeeze. It could pay off. You never know.”
“All right, but most of these bastards are so ugly, I have to keep picturing Rainer to cleanse myself.”
Oh shit. Why did I mention Rainer? It’s like I can’t help it.
“Speaking of Rainer, how’s it going with the plan to keep things casual?”
Zan offered Mel the kind of smile a little kid gives to a mall photographer because her mother told her to. “Um, no, not so good.”
“What do you mean?”
Leaning to the side in her chair, Zan contemplated the ceiling for a moment before she told Mel that, far from keeping her distance, she had opened up to Rainer about the days when she was at her worst.
“What can I say, Mel?” Zan smiled so hard her cheeks hurt. “He saw right through me. He pushed me, and at first, it made me angry, but then he made me feel more supported than I’ve ever felt in my life.”
Mel gaped at her. Zan tried to remember the last time Mel had been left speechless. She couldn’t think of one.
“That’s wonderful. I mean, you deserve it.” Mel mustered some enthusiasm in her voice, but her eyes still had the quality of a stare. “So, now what? A serious relationship?”
“Who knows?” Zan shrugged. “All I know is, I’ve admitted it to myself. I want to be with him as much as I can. We’re both busy, though, and he travels a lot, so I’ll probably have plenty of time to get some perspective, even if I failed to do it on purpose.” She shook her head at the situation. “He’s leaving town early tomorrow morning and he’ll be gone all week, so I’ll have time to think.”
“Good. I mean, I’m happy for you, but you need to watch your ass. Hot men are dangerous. Any more signs of craziness from him?” Mel looked like she was bracing for a negative reaction, but Zan laughed.
“What, like on the boat? No, he’s not crazy. He just doesn’t put up with asshole frat boys. I like that in a man.”
Mel frowned, but Zan could tell she was softening. “We’re having dinner tonight. I’m meeting him out front. Do you want to come down with me? I’ll introduce you.”
“Okay. I guess it’s time for Rainer to meet the family. And to find out that FBI agents are scarier than overprotective dads.”
Zan could not stop smiling. “Especially you, mighty Mel.”
The two agents worked hard for the rest of the day. There was no better way to take Zan’s mind off Rainer. Around 6:30 p.m., she and Mel left the office to wait for him near the stairs leading to the side entrance. A few minutes later he came gliding down the street wearing a tailored, light wool suit and a pale blue tie. Zan’s body shifted into a higher gear at the sight of him.
As if I ever stood a chance to resist someone so beautiful.
Rainer kept his eyes on Zan as he approached. When he reached her, he took her hands in his and bent to softly kiss her. He nuzzled her cheek for a moment.
“Mmmmm. Hello, Zan.”
“Hi,” she said, a little breathless. The way he looked at her made her forget everything, including Mel’s presence. After a few seconds of dewy-eyed gazing, Mel cleared her throat. Rainer glanced down at her with an imperious look, but Zan snapped out of it and remembered to introduce her.
“Oh, sorry, Mel. Rainer Barakiel, this is Melissa Romani, my FBI partner extraordinaire.”
“Mel!” A megawatt smile spread across his face as he shook her hand. “Zan told me all about you. She said you taught her everything she knows.” Mel seemed mesmerized. Zan almost laughed.
Even Mel falls before the power of a full-on Rainer smile.
In a few beats, her friend recovered. “Zan has taught me a few things, too.”
“No doubt,” Rainer said. The three of them made small talk for a few minutes. Rainer said they should get together some time, he and Zan and Mel and her husband. Mel said she would love that.
“Oh, the time,” Zan said, checking her watch. “When’s the reservation for, Rainer?”
“7:00.”
“We’d better head off then. I’ll see you tomorrow, Mel,” Zan said, raising her hand in a half wave.
“See you tomorrow. It was great to meet you, Rainer.”
“Wonderful to meet you, Mel.” Rainer gave her a parting dose of his dazzling smile and took Zan’s hand. They walked off.
CHAPTER 15
ZAN AND RAINER WANDERED through Reading Terminal Market acting like giddy children. They walked among the crowd beneath brightly painted wooden signs, interrupted here and there by a vivid slash of neon. Zan liked to watch the Mennonite women as they wrapped cuts of meat in brown paper, and the wisecracking men at the roast pork stand who churned out sandwiches with unbelievable speed.
Rainer liked the market, too. He behaved like he had never done anything as wonderful as the simple act of shopping for dinner. It made Zan misty-eyed just to look at him. She felt like she was basking in his light.
They paused in front of a stall so filled to bursting with flowers that their fragrance overwhelmed the thousands of other smells in the market. Rainer bought her a dozen ivory blush roses.
“They remind me of your skin,” he said. He stroked a soft petal then placed the flowers in her hands. Wistfully, he suggested they relax after dinner like a nice, normal couple. He leaned to her ear and said they should abstain from sex. She laughed and poked him.
“An
d what if I don’t accept that plan?”
He put his hand on her cheek to trail his thumb along her lips.
“Then I will love you after we have gone to bed, and we will fall asleep wrapped in our warm pleasure.”
His touch was too much for Zan. She had to look away.
Jesus, I’m going to blubber like a fool.
She grabbed his wrist and said they needed produce, using this as an excuse to pull him toward a stand heaping with fruits and vegetables. Zan inspected every bunch of spinach before she managed to make eye contact with Rainer again. He squeezed her hand.
You are the sweetest man.
Fortunately for Zan, the flurry of activity that came with their purchases rescued her from her high-strung state. When they got back to her apartment, the cooking kept her busy and she started to think about work.
Anything to bring me back to Earth, before I ask him to marry me or something.
As they ate at her tiny kitchen table, she brought Rainer up to date on the spleen case, trying to keep the frustration out of her voice as she explained that the victim’s identity would probably lead nowhere.
“We’ve contacted the Salvadoran consulate. At least they can find Mani’s family back home. Mr. Hernan said he used to send money.”
“You should be happy you accomplished that much. It’s important they know what happened to him.”
“I know, but I really want to get these pieces of shit. I’ve been thinking about it. I think I should revisit the daggers.”
Rainer fixed his eyes on his plate. “Won’t your boss be displeased?”
“Yeah. Maybe I’ll beg.” Zan got lost in thought for a moment. “Hey, you know what? You can help me. If I go to him with some good information it will help with the begging.”
When Rainer looked up, his face was completely devoid of expression. “How can I help?”
“Um, it’s all right,” Zan mumbled. “I know you’re busy.”
Rainer’s face twisted in a way Zan had never seen from him. She couldn’t tell what he was feeling. He looked like he was feeling everything.
“No! I’m never too busy for you!” he exclaimed.
Why is he acting so wacky?
“Okay, um, thanks. Look, I know your contacts haven’t been able to find out where the daggers came from, but if you could give me a short list of dealers or auction houses, or whatever, that handle similar items, I can take it from there. Sometimes a seemingly unimportant bit of information can turn into your best lead.”
Another series of extraordinary expressions crossed Rainer’s face. “I’ll do it,” he pronounced with an air of finality. “I’ll give you the names of the people most likely to lead you to the origin of those daggers. I inquired only with Europeans. Perhaps I was wrong.”
Shaking her head at his behavior, Zan reached over and took his hand. “Thank you. You’re too good to me.”
Rainer expelled a rough breath. He spoke in a voice so intense you would think he was discussing plans for war. “I can never be as good to you as I want to be.”
Is he still angry with himself because he couldn’t find out where those knives came from?
Touched by his reaction, Zan stroked his forearm. “No one has ever been so good to me.”
He covered his mouth with his hand and stared at the floor. Zan wondered what was going on in his head. She decided they should forget about it for now. She shouldn’t have let work intrude upon their evening. Clearing the dishes, she said, “You know what? It’s time for that fancy gelato we bought. Gourmet gelato makes everything better.”
When Rainer looked up, he had regained his composure. He gave her a sunny smile. “Yes, it does.”
After dessert, they did exactly what Rainer wanted to do, which was not much of anything. They plunked down on the couch and stared at the television. Zan leaned on Rainer’s chest and he circled her with his arms. They barely spoke. Every now and then Rainer would nuzzle her cheek, shrouding her in tenderness. She didn’t really watch the movie. She kept still, her hands lightly resting on Rainer’s arms. She felt weak, but she didn’t care. Through the sweet haze she recognized that for her, this was astounding.
When the movie was over they got ready for bed. In the bathroom, Zan stared at herself in the mirror, wondering at her imagination and thankful for it.
I can feel him, waiting for me in my bed.
As she slipped under the covers she could see Rainer watching her in the light from the street lamps outside. “Come here,” he said, spooning her. “Mmmmm, this feels good.”
With one hand he cupped her breast, resting the other on the curve of her knee. Zan wanted every single one of her days to end like this.
He’s mine. He’ll always be mine.
She rolled to face him. He kissed her and caressed her thigh as she ran her hands through his hair. He shifted to dance his fingers along her the contours of her lips, the curve of her jaw, the hollow of her neck, the mound of her breast. He slid one arm beneath her as his gentle touch ran down her belly and her leg. Everywhere he touched her, she felt a trace of current, warm and inviting. A current that chased away all her pain.
I didn’t know I could feel like this.
Tears seeped from her eyes. Rainer wiped them from her face with soft kisses before he locked his arms around her.
“Oh, Zan. I was alone for so long I’d grown used to it,” he whispered, “but now I realize I was only half alive. You brought me back to life, Zan.”
More tears. She gripped him tightly and crushed her face to his neck. “I love you, Rainer. I love you.”
The pressure of his embrace subsided. He leaned back to look in her eyes.
“I love you, too.”
He swept her beneath him then fell into her, kissing and pressing as if he wanted to disappear within her. She welcomed him and let her barriers fall away.
As soon as Zan opened her eyes the next morning, Rainer ran his hands down her back and cupped her ass, bringing her against him. She savored the sensation of her skin joined with his.
We belong to each other.
“Good morning, my love,” he said.
Zan chirped with satisfaction as she stretched within his grasp. She kissed him.
“Call me that again.”
“All right, my love. Do you feel as good as I do?”
“I feel fantastic.” She rolled on top of him, smoothed back his hair and traced her fingers along his cheek.
“You like my face,” he said.
“Your face makes me feel like everything is right with the world.”
“Mmmmm, so romantic.”
Zan kissed him again. “I’ll have to practice my romantic phrases a lot more before I catch up to you.” She yawned and rubbed her eyes. “Hey, do you want some coffee? I bought some of that coffee you like. And a grinder. I know you like it fresh-ground.”
Rainer ran his hand along her silky hair. “Already your love spoils me.”
They got up and went into the kitchen, where the strong May sun poured in through the French doors. They made coffee and the aroma filled the room. After it brewed, they went out on the balcony.
“On the weekend, it’s quiet even here,” Zan said.
“I love the city on a morning like this,” Rainer said. “To know there are so many people right around you, all subdued at the same time. The fragility of the quiet somehow makes it more palpable.”
Zan tilted her head to look at him. “I know what you mean.”
They sat on the balcony for almost an hour. Zan told Rainer what she knew about her neighbors. They laughed about their noisy chin-up bar sex.
“I guess now they’re aware I have a boyfriend who knows how to please a woman.”
“They’re aware I have a girlfriend who elicits the diligent application of my skill.”
She tried to hide her pleasure at the compliment. He stroked her upper arm, seemingly entranced. “The sun has touched your skin with color, like an ivory blush rose,” he murmured.
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Zan stood behind him and kissed his neck.
“Well, if I want to keep my skin nice for you, I better get out of this sun.”
They went inside. Rainer spied her acoustic guitar on its stand in the living room. He asked her if she would give him another lesson.
“I think you should bring one of your violins here,” Zan said. “There’s a lot of great music for guitar and violin.”
“All right, next time I will. You know what we should do? We should try to write a piece of music. I’ve been trying my hand at it lately.”
“Yes, I think this morning I’m definitely feeling something that should be expressed.” Zan stroked his cheek. He leaned into it like a cat.
“I think we could come up with something good, as long as it’s simple,” Zan added. “I write songs for my band, and some acoustic stuff, ballads mostly.” She got her guitar and brought it into the kitchen. She began to tune up.
“You know what, Rainer, we need a notebook.” She moved to set down her guitar but Rainer said he would get it. She told him to look in the drawer of the sideboard in the living room. He came back in holding a black leather box with a vertical gold-leaf stripe down one side. It said, “United States of America.” He opened it to reveal a gold, star-shaped medal with a smaller silver star at its center.
“Zan, is this a Silver Star?” he asked.
She scowled at him. “You looked in the wrong drawer.”
“This is a Silver Star, isn’t it? Why didn’t you tell me you had been honored for your valor?”
“Because it’s none of your business.”
“Oh, ah, I’m sorry. I’ve offended you. I’ve violated your privacy.”
He left the kitchen to put the medal back in the drawer. He stayed in the living room. Zan figured he didn’t know what else to do. She put down her guitar and went to him.
“I’m sorry, Rainer. That was harsh. I didn’t mean it. I was just surprised.”
“No. I’m the one who should be sorry. I had no right to open that case.”
“Maybe not, but I think a lot of people would have opened it. You’re supposed to be proud of your medals, after all.”