“I’m here for you,” Harry whispered in the dream, holding me tight in his arms. I woke up shaking and crying, while Tristan rose from his bed and walked over to mine with a worried frown etched on his face. He took me in his arms and held me tight, like Harry had just done in my dream.
“What’s the matter, sweetheart?” he whispered softly, fear flashing in his eyes.
“It . . . it was a bad dream. You were there, but . . . but then you were gone. You left me. I was so sad,” I said between sobs.
“Shhh, it’s all right. I’m here. I’m not going anywhere,” he whispered softly in my ears.
I woke up the next day still in Tristan’s arms, and I breathed a sigh of relief that he was still there with me. But there was a hint of worry and sadness weighing down on my chest. As soon as I started to shift under the covers, Tristan’s eyes snapped open with a start. He looked worriedly at me as I sat on the bed. I cupped his face gently with both hands and gave him a soft kiss on the lips. His expression softened and relaxed when he saw I was all right.
“I’m okay, Tris. Thank you for staying with me during the night,” I whispered with a thankful smile.
“Joe . . . Last night, was it something to do with Vigil?” Tristan asked me.
“No, Tris. Not Vigil. I told you, I haven’t seen him any more. It was just a bad dream this time,” I said.
He eyed me warily for a moment but then sighed, watching me silently from under his long eyelashes. I tried to disguise my heartache and headed for the bathroom to wash up. I hoped my daily routine would put me back on track. When I left the bathroom I was feeling a little better. While Tristan and Seth had their turns in the bathroom, I took the opportunity to get ready fast, and grabbed my backpack.
I was just finishing stuffing my books inside my bag when Tristan walked out of the bathroom.
“I have to go, Tris, I forgot a book in my locker and I need it for my class today, okay? I’ll see you guys at lunch.”
I wanted some time alone for myself, and maybe getting an early start when the school hallways weren’t so crowded would help me feel a little better. I needed some peace and quiet right now.
“Okay, Joe. I’ll see you at lunch.”
“Thanks. See you later,” I said and darted outside before he could offer to walk me to my first class. I was glad that he had stayed behind – I couldn’t bear Tristan’s worried glances my way all day long today. I knew he meant well, and he was only trying to protect me from hurting, but some things you just can’t avoid in life. Pain was one of them.
I went to my first class in a kind of a haze. I sat in my usual spot, right at the back next to the window, because I liked looking at the beautiful view outside, even though the sky wasn’t very inviting today. It was gray, dull and chilling, matching my mood perfectly. The teacher was handing out some test papers when Harry walked in late, his spiked red hair wilder than ever. He apologized to the teacher and hurried over to the only chair left, far away up in the front row.
For a brief second, his eyes wandered to the back, where I was sitting, but he didn’t wink or wave at me. Maybe he didn’t see me? I thought he had. He’d looked right at me. But I wasn’t sure, it had all happened so fast and then his eyes flickered away and he was already slouching on his seat. Was he avoiding me, then?
I felt horrible after that. I tried to do concentrate on the exam but I kept thinking how badly I had screwed things up with Harry. Why had I kissed him like that? What had I been thinking? Even if Tristan hadn’t felt jealous, it had affected my relationship with Harry. The thought of never seeing his spiked hair or hearing his laughter again destroyed me inside. And it was all my fault. After what I had done, we were always going to feel awkward and uncomfortable around each other. Of course he would want to be as far away from me as possible. The weight on my chest intensified, making it hard for me to breath.
The bell rang, announcing the end of class. I jumped, startled, because I was so deeply lost in my thoughts of guilt and sorrow that I hadn’t realized class had ended. I couldn’t bear to look at Harry’s way. I grabbed my things and ran off without looking back, my eyes starting to fill with tears.
I walked outside, roaming through the school grounds alone. It wasn’t as chilly as I expected. I walked aimlessly until I found my favorite tree, and stopped there to rest a little. I lay down on the grass, staring at gray clouds in a gray sky. It made me think of Vigil. I don’t know why. Maybe it was all the gray. It was his favorite color, after all . . .
I didn’t know how long I lay there; I completely lost track of time. I just fixed my gaze on the moving clouds and tried to empty my mind. After a while, all I could hear was the sound of the wind brushing the leaves on the trees. And then light footsteps. Someone was walking nearby, coming closer until he was sitting by my side. I didn’t need to look to know it was Harry, his red hair registering in my peripheral vision.
He sat at my side and contemplated the view with a peaceful expression on his face. He was in his quiet mode. Harry had two modes, Quiet and Happy.. When he was in a rare Quiet mode, he was calm, centered and shy.
“Joey, are you all right?”
It took me a couple of minutes to gather the courage to respond. “Do you hate me now, Harry?”
“Of course not! Why would I hate you?”
“Because I ruined our friendship, kissing you yesterday. I won’t blame if you’re uncomfortable and don’t feel like hanging out with me any more,” I said miserably.
He stopped to think about it. I didn’t want to cry in front of Harry. He stretched his arms and lay by my side on the grass, really close to me. I could feel the warmth radiating from him where our arms touched.
“I don’t think a small kiss like that can ever ruin our friendship, Joey. Or even a big kiss, for that matter,” he said, gazing at the sky. “I’m not dissing your kissing skills, mind you, it was a good kiss. Worthy of an A plus. But you’re being silly thinking that I could hate you because of that. I could never hate you, Joey. Never,” he said firmly.
I looked at the sky. Somehow it looked less clouded, less gray. We stayed quiet for a few more minutes. Harry put his hands over mine and held them softly.
“You know, you taste like tangerines,” he mused with a smile.
“It’s my lip-gloss,” I said and glanced at him. “You’re a good kisser,” I confessed.
“I know,” he stated smugly.
“Conceited, much?”
“You’re not half-bad either,” he replied, laughing when I hit him lightly. I loved hearing Harry’s laughter. It was so open and sincere.
When he spoke again his voice was low and cautious. “The guys said you had a rough night – bad dream?”
I nodded. “Yeah.”
“They’re all worried. You didn’t show up at lunch break. Tristan went to look for you, but you weren’t anywhere. He was really bummed when the bell rang ending lunch break and you still hadn’t shown up. So I came looking for you. I knew you’d be here.”
“What? Lunch break is over already? Talk about completely losing track of time,” I muttered. “How did you know I was here?” I asked him.
“This is the place you go when you’re sad.”
I’d never realized I did that. Harry was very observant. “Thanks for coming talk to me, Harry.” I smiled at him.
He pulled himself up, sitting next to me. “Did I make you feel better?” he asked, smiling too.
“Yeah. Tons better, Harry. Thanks,” I said, hugging him tight.
“Okay. Can’t. Breathe. Joey,” he said, wheezing loudly.
I let go of him, ruffled his hair and stood up. We ran back to school and were walking silently through the deserted corridors when Harry made his I-have-an-idea face. He grabbed my hand and pulled me briskly in the opposite direction, putting a finger to his lips, signaling me to be quiet. His eyes were glinting with mischief. That was his Happy mode all right. Unexpected and exciting. I smiled while he led the way. Then we stopped in fron
t of a classroom and he pushed himself flat against the wall, to stay out of sight, and peeked inside through the small rectangular glass window on the door. I couldn’t resist and peeked around him to look. A teacher was explaining something inside the classroom while everybody stared with bored, glazed eyes.
That’s when I saw Tristan, at the far side of the room. He liked sitting by the window to look at the view outside, just like me. He had a troubled expression on his face, and wasn’t paying any attention to the teacher. He looked worried. That was why Harry had brought me here. To let Tristan know I was all right now.
The teacher went to the back of the room, to explain something to some kid that was having trouble with the lesson. Harry jumped up and down in front of the door, trying to get Tristan’s attention. The whole class turned to look at us and Tristan noticed the sudden stir and glanced over. Harry waved and made funny faces, making a few students start giggling, while I waved at Tristan, smiling happily.
Tristan’s whole face lit up, his eyes sparkling bright with the light coming from the window. Or was it a light of its own? Tiff had said once that Tristan’s eyes lit up from inside every time he looked at me. He smiled and waved back, relief crossing his handsome face.
I felt guilty for thinking only of my misery today, and forgetting about how worried Tristan must have been feeling this whole time too. I had been very selfish and moody. It was time to put a stop to that, once and for all!
The teacher noticed the giggles throughout class and turned to look around. Harry and I darted out of view just in time, and ran for our lives. As soon as we managed to turn a corner, we stopped gasping for air and laughing at the same time. After we had recomposed ourselves, I thanked Harry and kissed him on the cheek before heading for my next class.
But I kept thinking about Tristan and the boys. Their friendship meant the world to me. I didn’t know what I would do without them in my life. And Tristan. My dear, sweet, adoring love. As the last class of the day ended, I had this epic idea for a new song. I scribbled fast on my notepad, trying to put down all my feelings in the lyrics. Then I had to make a quick stop at the Music classroom, to get a hold of a guitar, to work on the melody and tunes of the song. This was the perfect way to show them my gratitude, to show how much their love meant to me. Harry’s friendship had inspired me.
It was a song about how lonely and lost we can feel without true friends in our lives, how harder life is if you don’t have friends by your side. About happy times and sad times together. About sharing experiences. About not being alone. And I knew I wasn’t alone. I had my Lost Boys always with me, in my heart now.
I waited for what felt like a hundred years. When I finally played it to them later they watched me with wide grins spreading all over their faces.
“So, do you guys like it?” I asked, jumping up and down. The suspense was killing me. “It’s my gift to you all.”
“It’s awesome, Joey! We love it!” they all cheered together. We spent the rest of the afternoon rehearsing it and, as we honed the song, I had no sense of foreboding any more. Only love and friendship had a place in that room.
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Published in the UK in 2013 by Ebury Press, an imprint of Ebury Publishing
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Copyright © 2013 Lilian Carmine
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The Lost Boys Page 46