Drive

by Stephanie Fournet

  And then she froze.

  Rainey listened to the inhale and exhale of three steady breaths. Desperately, she wanted to shift the car into drive and take off. Instead, she wiped her thumb across her upper lip, which was now dotted with perspiration, and she swallowed a noisy gulp.

  Then her phone rang.

  The sound startled her so that her foot slipped off the brake, and she jolted backward for a jarring half second before she stomped down on it again.

  “Holy crap!”

  Her phone rested next to her purse on the seat beside her, and, blessedly, the name across the screen read Jacques. She swiped at the screen and stabbed the speakerphone icon.

  “J-Jacques?” she called, her voice shaking.

  “Hey, baby, you there? It’s hard to hear you.”

  She grabbed the phone and held it, shaking, in front of her. “I-I’m here. Are you in L.A.?”

  “Yeah, we made it,” he said. Then there was a short pause. “You okay? You sound funny.”

  She hesitated. “Um…” The sound of his voice eased something inside her, but she had no idea how she would explain what she was doing. She wasn’t even a hundred percent sure what she was doing.

  Was she planning to drive all the way to the jewelers? Granted, the whole distance round-trip was less than three miles. And when she thought about — pictured maneuvering the car up Oakview, making a left turn onto Johnston Street, crossing the two intersections between her neighborhood and the South College Shopping Center, and pulling into the parking lot — Rainey knew deep in her soul that she would make the trip safely.

  And, yet, the act of drawing down the gearshift into drive and pressing the gas pedal seemed as hard as base-jumping with a sketchy parachute.

  “Rainey?” Jacques asked, breaking through the silence. “Where are you?”

  Rainey gripped the steering wheel in her left hand and cradled the phone in her right. “I-I’m in Holi’s car.”

  He paused, and the silence that followed seemed almost prescient. “Rainey, are you driving?”

  A nervous laugh left her. How could he tell? Was it just the tremor in her voice? The logic that Holi wouldn’t be driving? Or was it something else entirely?

  “Um… I don’t know if you could call it driving… I’m behind the wheel,” she offered. “I started the car and reversed out of the driveway, and now I’m just idling in the middle of the road in front of my house.”

  “Wh-what?!” His startled chuckle sounded almost giddy. “Are you serious?”

  “Yes,” she said, the corners of her mouth turning up just a little at his laugh.

  “Who’s with you? Are you driving Holi? Is she okay?”

  “U-uh,” she stammered. “Um… Holi’s in the house. It’s just me.”

  “Rainey…” Awe replaced humor, and his voice came out hushed. “Oh, my God.”

  Her chest quaked, her breath coming out choppy. She was torn between the sound of his admiration and her own sense of paralysis. Rainey knew if she gave up now, Jacques would look at the step she’d taken as nothing less than triumph.

  But she would be disappointed.

  “I want to do this.” Her voice came out raw and uneven. “I just don’t know if I can.”

  “You can, baby. You can do anything.” The warmth and conviction in his voice wrapped around her like an embrace.

  But its comfort couldn’t lift her limbs into action. Rainey let go a shaky sigh.

  “Talk to me,” he urged.

  She bit her lip. “It’s like I’m frozen… or… I don’t know. Maybe I’m afraid I’ll be frozen,” she said, the words coming out in a rush.

  “Like you’ll pull into traffic and just stop?” he asked gently.

  Rainey nodded and then spoke aloud. “Yes, like that.”

  “And you want to do this? Right now?”

  She gritted her teeth against the swell of emotion. “Yes. My God, yes!” Tears blurred her vision. She dashed them away with a flick of her wrist, and she swallowed the unwelcome thickness in her throat. “I’m so tired of being stuck in one place. I’m so tired of being this… this… victim of my own life.”

  “Rainey—”

  She interrupted his consoling tone. “No, I’m twenty-three years old, and I don’t even know what I want to do with my life. I have no goals. No plans. The only thing I’ve allowed myself to excel at is avoiding pain. Avoiding life. I need to do this right now.”

  “So do it.” Jacques’s voice carried a gentle insistence. “You’re ready.”

  Rainey blinked. She hadn’t expected him to urge her on — though Rainey should have known he would.

  “Wh-what if I freeze up and stall in the middle of traffic?”

  “Cars stall on the roads all the time. It’s no big deal,” he soothed. “Besides, I’ll stay on the line with you. If you stall, I’ll talk you through it. Do you have me on speakerphone?”

  Love — all-encompassing, all eclipsing — poured from the center of her soul.

  “Yes… Jacques—” she breathed, emotion swallowing her voice. Rainey placed the phone in her lap and gripped the steering wheel.

  “Is the car in drive?”

  At his question, she swallowed, and with hands still shaking, she shifted into gear. At this achievement, she gave a great, shuddering sigh of relief.

  “It is now,” she said, laughing and feeling slightly hysterical.

  “Okay… What’s your destination? How far do you need to go?”

  “I-I’m going to Buttross Jewelers on Johnston.”

  “Oh, that’s not far at all,” he encouraged. “You got this.”

  Rainey rolled her eyes. “I feel like an idiot.”

  “You’re a survivor. A warrior,” Jacques countered with feeling. “You blow my mind every day. Now, step on the gas.”

  Without a thought, Rainey stepped on the gas — perhaps with just a little more force than necessary because the Cooper lunged forward, and Rainey slammed on the brakes with squeak.

  “What happened?”

  Rainey pressed her lips together and breathed in her nose for three seconds. “I just got excited,” she said on the exhale.

  “Well, that’s understandable,” Jacques said with a smile in his rumbly voice. “This is exciting.”

  She snorted a laugh at his ridiculous statement, but she lifted her foot off the brake. “Trying again,” she muttered, and then she pressed lightly onto the gas, and the car rolled forward at what could only be described as a geriatric pace.

  “You driving?” Jacques asked.

  “I’m moving,” she responded. “At about six miles per hour.”

  This time Jacques laughed. “You’re driving, Rainey. You’re doing it!”

  Rainey sat up straight. He was right. After six years, she was, in fact, doing it. She released a shaky laugh and pressed the gas a little harder, bringing the needle of the speedometer up to fifteen miles per hour.

  “How’s it feel?” he asked, and all she could picture was his adorable lopsided grin.

  “Terrifying… a-and exhilarating. Though I think a granny with a walker just passed me up.”

  The sound of Jacques’s laughter burst from her phone.

  “And, since Holi doesn’t know what I’m doing, technically this is grand theft auto.”

  His continued laughter made her shoulders loosen. She scanned the length of the street and saw the traffic zipping by on Johnston. In a moment of clarity, she realized it would be easier to make a left onto the busy street one block over at the light on Twin Oaks. At the break in the median, Rainey made a slow U-turn and gave thanks none of her neighbors were coming or going today. They certainly wouldn’t get anywhere in a hurry.

  “Where are you now?” Jacques asked after his laughter eased.

  “I’m heading to the light on Twin Oaks where there’s a left arrow.”

  “Smart woman,” Jacques murmured.

  She rounded the bend at the bottom of the hairpin turn that separated Oakview from Twin
Oaks. “How was the trip?”

  “Not bad. I slept most of the way. When Kate would shut up, that is,” he said dryly.

  “Oh, and by the way—” Rainey leveled, frowning. “—you left without waking me up to say goodbye. Not cool, Gilchrist.”

  “Hey, now, I explained my rationale,” Jacques defended before his voice softened. “You looked too perfect. I couldn’t wake you. Like I said, I kissed you goodbye.”

  “Yeah, but I don’t remember it,” she grumbled.

  He gave a low chuckle. “It was a good kiss,” his deep voice purred. “Take my word for it.”

  Rainey realized with some surprise that she’d approached the intersection and come to a full stop. All without incident. Talking to Jacques was definitely helping.

  “What’s L.A. like?”

  “Well, I can tell you what LAX is like.”

  “You haven’t left the airport?” she asked. The light turned green, and with a flutter of nerves, Rainey pressed the gas and followed the car in front of her. It was, admittedly, very easy.

  “We’re walking to baggage claim,” he said. “But for an airport, there’s lots of natural light, it’s very crowded, and rather modern.”

  “Somehow, that doesn’t surprise me,” she muttered.

  “Are you still waiting for the light to change?” he asked.

  Rainey found herself smiling. “No, I turned. I’m on Johnston.”

  “Alright!” he cheered. “Just keep going. You’re doing great.”

  She couldn’t help her blush. “Do you have any idea how weird and embarrassing it is to have your boyfriend cheer for you for driving down the road?”

  Jacques’s response was as dry as paper. “Nope. I’ve never had a boyfriend.”

  To her horror, Rainey snorted a laugh, and this made Jacques laugh in return.

  “Seriously, babe, don’t be embarrassed. This is huge.” His voice softened again. “I’m so proud of you.”

  Rainey braked at the intersection of Johnston and South College. Just one more block and a left turn, and she’d be at the jewelry store. The excitement of the prospect and the feeling behind Jacques’s words set her heart beating a little faster.

  She inhaled deeply and let out her breath. “Thank you.”

  The light turned green, and as though she’d driven every day for the last six years, Rainey hit the gas.

  Could it really be that simple? Had it always been just that simple?

  She crossed the intersection and immediately signaled to make a left. Waiting for a break in traffic should have been the scariest part. She couldn’t just rely on a traffic signal to tell her what to do. She’d have to use her own judgment and wait for a safe opportunity to cross.

  But when the time came, a gap opened up so wide, she could have crawled across it with time to spare. Rainey turned and found a parking spot in front of the jeweler’s.

  “I’m here,” she said, the truth of what she’d done settling over her. “I did it.”

  “You did it,” Jacques echoed, pride stoking his voice.

  Rainey laughed, her eyes tearing as she did. “I-it was easy.”

  Jacques laughed too. “You sound surprised.”

  “I am surprised… and maybe…” She struggled for words. “…maybe a little mad at myself. I mean, would it have been this easy six years ago?”

  Jacques’s tone changed completely. He almost scolded. “Clearly not. It was easy because you were ready.” Then his voice gentled. “You weren’t ready six years ago.”

  She could accept that, but surely she’d lost time. Wasted years stuck in this one circumstance of her life.

  “But what about two years ago or last year?” she asked, desperate to find the answer.

  Jacques cleared his throat. “Well, I don’t know. Are you the same person today as you were a year ago?”

  Rainey spluttered a laugh, the truth hitting her like a 2 X 4. “No. No, I’m not.”

  Indeed, she wasn’t the same person she’d been six months ago. Looking back now, she saw a series of circumstances that had forced her to outgrow the fear that had ruled her life. Her mother and Kendall had moved to Galveston at the end of November, taking with them half of Rainey’s social circle and the better part of her safety net.

  And then Holi had fallen ill just weeks later. They hadn’t known her diagnosis then, of course, but even little things in the household had to change, though neither sister really noticed at the time. Rainey had to go to the store more — on foot or on bicycle — for things like ibuprofen, the ingredients for chicken soup, prescription antibiotics.

  Of course, learning Holi’s diagnosis and meeting Jacques, which had happened almost simultaneously, were the two greatest agents of change in Rainey’s life. For the first time in six years, she wanted. She wanted to help her sister, and she wanted Jacques.

  Both of those desires — no, those needs — had propelled her far outside her comfort zone. First loving Holi and then loving Jacques had led her to where she was now. Literally and figuratively.

  “I’m not the same person… or if I am, then I know myself better,” she said, speaking her understanding as it came to her.

  “And what do you know?” His gentle question took away any self-consciousness.

  “That I’m stronger. I’m either stronger than I was before or I’m stronger than I realized.”

  Jacques’s voice was a low rumble. “My money’s on the second one.”

  His response made her smile, but she also knew her progress wasn’t just about strength. “And I’ve learned some things about myself. Some things I didn’t like.”

  Jacques tsked. “What’s not to like?”

  “Before you — before our trip together — I was choosing fear over love. I think that’s something I learned from my dad… and I don’t want to live like that.”

  She heard his intake of breath. “May I say how glad I am to hear that?”

  Rainey laughed her answer, but then she sobered, needing to tell him the rest. “It’s because of you. Being with you made me see myself clearly.”

  “Rainey, that’s—” She heard him clear his voice. “—that’s probably the best thing anyone’s ever told me. Thank you.”

  “No, thank you,” she said, her throat tightening. “No matter what happens between us, you’ve given me an incredible gift.”

  “Rainey,” his voice hardened. “I’ll be back in two weeks. Don’t you dare talk like this is goodbye.”

  “I’m not,” she denied. But Rainey knew that the coming months for him would be a whirlwind like nothing he could imagine. If there was going to be a goodbye, she needed him to know what he’d done for her. And now might be her best chance. “I just needed you to know that. Besides… if one of us is going to say goodbye, it won’t be me.”

  She swallowed hard, the truth of her words burning all the way down.

  “Well, it sure as hell won’t be me,” Jacques growled, his voice tight and angry.

  Rainey brushed sudden tears from her eyes with the heel of her hand, his vehement words making her absurdly happy.

  “Well,” she echoed, forcing the words past the lump in her throat. “May I say how glad I am to hear that?”

  His chuckle rumbled through the speaker, and Rainey could almost see him shaking his head. “Baby, I need to help the girls with our stuff, but it should only take a few minutes. Can I call you right back?”

  Everything about his statement made her smile. She could picture him in the airport, dealing with bags, an instrument or two, and his three band members, one of whom was sure to be grousing. Jacques was at the cusp of the greatest adventure of his life, and he was on the phone with her.

  “I’m going to head into the jewelry store and take care of Holi’s errand.”

  A few seconds passed before he responded. “What about your return trip?”

  Her smile grew. “I’ll see how I feel. If I need help, I’ll call you.”

  A few more seconds of silence stretched between
them. “You won’t need help,” he said, conviction clear in his relaxed tone. “But call if you want company.”

  “Okay,” she said. “Send me pictures of L.A.”

  “Only if you send me pictures of you.”

  “Wh-what?!” she stammered.

  “You heard me.” His voice touched her middle. “Pictures of you. I didn’t take enough on the trip, and I want more.”

  “Okay, well, then let me clarify. I want pictures of you in L.A.”

  She heard his gentle laugh. “Deal.” Then his voice lowered to a soft caress. “I love you, Rainey.”

  She blinked a slow blink, soaking up the words. “I love you, Jacques.”

  “I’ll call you tonight. But do me a favor?”

  “What?” she asked.

  “Just shoot me a text when you get home.”

  He could probably see her grin all way from California. “I will.”

  “Bye, babe.”

  “Bye, Jacques.”

  Rainey hung up and gave herself a minute. She needed to absorb the triumph of the drive and drink in Jacques’s soul-stirring words, his commitment to be there for her, even from two thousand miles away.

  When she left the Cooper, she was still smiling, and the sight she found in the jewelry store only made her smile grow.

  A golden-haired little boy — he couldn’t have been more than three years old — sat on one of the display cases. Next to him, with his arm draped over his shoulder was a tall man whom Rainey assumed was the boy’s father. Even though their backs were to her, they made an adorable picture.

  “What do you think, Oscar?” the man asked, peering down into the glass case. “Which one would Mama like best?”

  The boy jabbed a chubby finger against the glass. “Dat one!”

  From the distance across the store, Rainey thought the boy pointed to a selection of engagement rings, but she couldn’t be sure.

  “Which one?” This came from the young store clerk on the other side of the case. She was smiling, obviously charmed by the little boy. The clerk looked up at Rainey as she took the key fob from around her neck. “Someone will be right with you.”

  At the clerk’s greeting, both the boy and the man turned in her direction, and Rainey’s breath caught. Gray Blakewood, the famous Louisiana crime writer, was standing across from her in the jewelry store. His sixth novel had come out in March, and Rainey had finished it in two days.