He thought about calling her to see if she was home so he could drop the USB drive off, but honestly, he was feeling a little raw, and he had no doubt that she was as well. He’d try again the next day. In the meantime, he tucked the memory of those moments he’d watched Cara dance into his heart, knowing that it had been a precious gift that she hadn’t intended for him, but one that he would forever cherish regardless.
When he got back to home, Kieran felt an unusual restlessness. He roamed the house, looking for things to do. Laundry. Dishes. He even cleaned the bathroom. When he couldn’t find anything else to do, he dropped down into his recliner and stared blankly at the show playing on his television. He’d turned it on to help break up the silence in the house, but he really wasn’t interested in watching it.
Truthfully, he wasn’t interested in much of anything but Cara right then. Needing a distraction from the thoughts that had followed him from the doorway of Cara’s studio, Kieran pulled out his phone and opened up his Facebook app. It wasn’t often that he went on his account, but occasionally he posted pictures of the scenery around New Hope.
He’d barely begun to skim his timeline when it felt as if he’d been hit in the heart for the second time that day. Though he’d known that this day would come, he hadn’t expected to feel the impact of it the way he just had.
He wasn’t connected to his ex-fiancée on any of his social media accounts anymore, but they still had mutual friends, and the congratulations of those friends to Toni on her recent engagement were bleeding all over his timeline. It was actually something of a surprise to Kieran that it had taken her so long to get to this point again. He’d assumed awhile ago that she’d probably moved on to another relationship, but now it was there for his own eyes to see.
The ache in his chest intensified as he dropped his head back against the recliner. He closed his eyes and let out a long breath. It wasn’t that he still loved her. Those feelings had faded over the past few years until they’d finally disappeared altogether. It was rare that she entered his thoughts unless his mom mentioned her.
What hurt was that getting engaged to her hadn’t just been about making a statement that they were going to get married, it had been about moving on to the next part of his life. The part where he’d have a wife and kids. It was what he’d wanted. He’d hoped to fill the roles of husband and father better than his own dad had.
So when she’d ended their engagement, she hadn’t just shut down their relationship but had also robbed him of the dream he’d had for them. He’d asked her so many times before they’d gotten serious—and even right before they’d gotten engaged—if she really could handle being a cop’s wife. She’d assured him over and over that she could. That she loved him enough that she’d accept his job even with its dangers.
But then his father had been killed in the line of duty, and the reality of it had been brought home in a harsh way. She’d seen his grief, but more than that, she’d seen his mother grieve the loss of her husband. At some point in all of that, Toni had apparently put herself into his mom’s shoes and decided that wasn’t a journey she wanted to take with him.
Kieran had no idea what the man she was now going to marry did for a living, but he was willing to bet it was a safe job. One where she’d never get a call saying he’d taken a bullet during an armed stand-off with some gang members. Or one where she’d never hear that her husband had died a hero trying to rescue a child from a burning building. No, her husband-to-be was probably someone who sat behind a desk for eight hours a day, then went home at the end of the day with nothing more serious than a paper cut.
Not everyone was cut out to be the spouse of the people who served in dangerous professions, Kieran knew that. He just wished that Toni had figured that out before they had gotten so deeply involved with each other. Before they’d begun to plan a future together.
He still didn’t know how to find a woman who’d be willing to accept the risks that came with his job. Things were safer in New Hope Falls than they’d been in New York, but that didn’t mean that some of the crime wouldn’t spill over from the larger cities around them.
Kieran pushed up out of his recliner and went to his room to change into his running clothes. Though it was already dark, he knew his running route well enough that it didn’t matter. There was a bit of a chill that late in the day, so he pulled on a windbreaker with reflective strips on it before leaving his house.
As he ran down the familiar streets, passing in and out of puddles of light cast by the overhead streetlamps, Kieran tried to blank out his thoughts. Tried to mask the pain in his chest by pushing himself to the point where the ache could be passed off as the strain of trying to draw breath while exerting himself.
Normally, he kept his runs to around forty-five minutes in length, but he passed his usual turning point and kept going. He ran like the past was chasing him, or maybe he was trying to catch an elusive future that he wasn’t sure would ever be his.
When he finally dragged himself back through his door, he had been through sixty minutes of intense exertion, and he barely had the strength left in his legs to get through his shower. Thankfully, the run achieved what he’d hoped, and when he fell into bed a short time later, his body’s exhaustion overrode his brain and pulled him into sleep quite quickly.
Unfortunately, he didn’t stay asleep. Several times during the night, he woke with a start, the ache in his chest still there. In between full wakings had been plenty of tossing and turning. It was the worst night he’d had in quite some time.
When his alarm finally went off, Kieran knew he was going to pay the price for his hard workout and his restless night. His legs ached as he got out of bed, and he felt a general weakness in his body, but that was nothing compared to the ache that still pulsed in his heart.
“You look like you should be home in bed,” Lisa said with an assessing look when he walked into the office a short time later. “You sick?”
“No, not sick. Just overdid it on my workout and didn’t sleep very well.”
She shook her head. “You need to remember you aren’t as young as you used to be. I mean, you’re still younger than me, but since everyone in this office is, that doesn’t say much.”
“Gotta stay in shape,” Kieran told her. “I don’t want to be the one left behind if we have to chase down a perp.”
Lisa laughed. “Please make sure I’m around if that ever happens.”
“It’s too early for this.” Kieran ran a hand down his face. “I need the coffee pot.”
“Lucky for you, I made the coffee this morning, so it’s not going to taste like that swill the boys like.”
“Thank you, Lisa. You know I appreciate your fine touch with the coffee machine even if the other guys don’t.”
“You’re welcome.” He was heading for the door leading to the back of the building when she called after him. “Don’t forget that detective is coming in this morning to interview Pete.”
Kieran groaned. He’d completely forgotten, or maybe he’d pushed it from his mind on purpose. All he knew was that the last thing he wanted was to have to sit next to that guy again and listen while he grilled a man who had had to endure too much over the past few weeks as it was.
“Buzz me when he gets here.”
“I wouldn’t be too upset if the coffee pot was completely empty by the time he shows,” Lisa said.
“I’ll see what I can do,” Kieran replied with a laugh.
He detoured into his office and snagged his travel mug, which held more coffee than his usual mug, then headed for their small break room. The pot was half gone already, so he was able to almost drain it by filling his travel mug as well as a normal mug. Lucky for him, the travel mug would keep the coffee warm, so if the guys made more coffee to suit their taste, he would still have the better tasting stuff to tide him over.
It looked like it would be lunchtime before he’d be able to head over to Cara’s. While he waited for the detective to show up, he chec
ked her website to see what her schedule was that day. It looked like she had a morning and an afternoon class, so hopefully she’d be available around lunch time.
He wanted to say something to her about what he’d seen the day before, but it had looked like such an intensely personal moment, he figured she might get upset if he mentioned it. And the last thing he wanted was for her to be upset by his revelation. Hopefully, just seeing her would reassure him that she was okay. That whatever emotions had overflowed for her hadn’t continued to plague her the way they had him.
He just wanted to make sure she was all right.
CHAPTER NINE
Cara said goodbye to the last of the moms who’d been there with their babies for her postpartum stretch class. One of the ladies from her prenatal class had delivered a few weeks ago and had shown up for the first time with her baby that morning. Cara had spent a few minutes cuddling the newborn, listening as the mom had shared how her labor and delivery had gone.
She still carried a melancholy ache within her from her emotional meltdown and holding the baby didn’t help to ease it at all. If anything, it had deepened the ache. Some days she wondered if she’d ever have a baby of her own, but right then, her sadness was tied to the realization that even if she did have a baby, her dad wouldn’t get to see it. Her baby wouldn’t know either of its grandparents on her side.
As she stood watching the moms walk down the sidewalk, some pushing strollers, others carrying car seats to nearby cars, another figure came into view. Through the glass of the front window, her gaze met and held Kieran’s. For the first time, a smile didn’t readily appear on his face, and she wondered if something bad had happened.
She hadn’t had time to lock the door, so he was able to pull it open and step inside. As he came closer, she could see dark smudges beneath his eyes, and his jaw was tensely set.
“Is everything all right?” she asked before she could stop herself.
Kieran’s look darkened further as he frowned. “What?”
“You just look…tense. Unhappy about something.”
He took his hat off and ran his hand over his closely cropped hair. Rather than put his hat back on, he just held it in his hands. “Yeah, I’m a bit unhappy. Just had another interview about Sheila Thompson’s disappearance. This one with her father.”
“Oh. I’m sure that was difficult.”
“It was, and not just because the detective asked questions that made it seem like he thought Pete had something to do with his daughter’s disappearance, but also because of everything that’s gone down with Coral.”
For some reason, seeing him so weighed down called to something within Cara. “Did you want to come into the office and sit for a minute?”
His eyebrows rose as if he was surprised by her invitation. Well, considering it surprised her too, his response made sense. She figured she was already in for a penny, so she might as well go for the pound.
“I was just going to run to Norma’s to get some lunch. Can I pick you up something as well?”
Kieran turned in a full circle before facing her again. “Just looking for the flying pigs.”
“What?”
“Oh, I just figured pigs would fly before you’d initiate sharing lunch.”
There was a spark of humor in his eyes that was gratifying, and she found she wanted to see more of it. The tense set of his face earlier hadn’t sat well with her.
“Well, hell hasn’t frozen over either, but the offer still stands.”
“Sure. A roast beef sandwich would go a long way to improving this day.”
“Let me just grab my stuff, and I’ll go get it.” She went into her office and pulled on the sweatpants and jacket she’d been wearing over her leotard and tights earlier. Unlocking her desk drawer, she pulled out her wallet then returned to the waiting area. “You can wait in my office, if you want. I’ll be back in a few minutes.”
Kieran nodded, then headed for her office. She supposed that they could have just gone to Norma’s together, but it seemed that he was just as happy to eat in her office. And honestly, appearing together in public would surely start rumors that she didn’t want, and likely, he didn’t either.
Once at Norma’s, Cara greeted the woman then went to the counter to place her order with Missy.
“To go?” Missy asked once Cara had recited what she wanted.
“Yep. And could you add a couple of milkshakes? One chocolate and one vanilla?”
Missy’s brows lifted at that. “I happen to know his favorite is the chocolate mint.”
“Whose?” Cara asked, realizing that maybe her original order could be passed off as being for one person, but two milkshakes? Yeah, that was kind of a giveaway that she was buying for more than one person.
Missy leaned over the counter toward her and whispered, “Kieran’s.” She drew back and grinned. “So should I make one of those a chocolate mint?”
Considering how stressed he’d looked, it seemed wrong to not get him his favorite milkshake. She sighed and gave an exasperated shake of her head. “Yeah. Okay. One chocolate mint and one chocolate.”
“I can add some oatmeal chocolate chip cookies onto that as well. We just took a batch out of the oven.”
With a laugh, Cara waved her hand. “Sure. And if you’ve got his favorite soup, you might as well throw that in too.”
“Perfect,” Missy said with a nod.
“It’s a working lunch,” Cara said, though she wasn’t sure that was entirely true. However, he hadn’t just shown up out of the blue for no reason yet.
“Oh, you can call it whatever you want, but you might as well eat what you enjoy while you work.”
Cara hoped that this wasn’t going to start a rumor and create issues for Kieran. She didn’t care much what people said about her, but her position in the town wasn’t as important as Kieran’s.
It didn’t take too long for Missy to come back with their food. Cara took it along with the bill to the front where Norma rang her up. Thankfully, it was busy enough that Norma didn’t make any comments aside from a friendly greeting.
Back in the studio, Cara locked the front door before making her way into the office. Kieran was seated in the chair he’d used before, his legs stretched out in front of him. He was leaning back, his chin pressed to his chest. It looked like he was asleep.
She quietly moved around the desk and set the bag and drink tray down. As she settled in her chair, his head came up, and his eyes opened. He stared at her for a moment before blinking.
“Did you really fall asleep in the short time I was gone?” Cara asked. She normally struggled to fall asleep, so she was a bit jealous that he could drop off so quickly.
He gave a huff of laughter as he pulled his legs in and straightened in the chair, reaching for his hat where he’d left it on her desk, then leaning to put it on the floor. “Yeah. I guess I did.”
“Lucky you,” she said as she pulled one of the milkshakes free of the drink tray.
When she set it down in front of him, Kieran looked at it then up at her. “A milkshake?”
“Yeah. Seemed like maybe you could use it.” She hesitated then confessed, “Missy seemed to know I was getting food for you, too, so we ended up with quite the order.”
“Really?” Kieran didn’t look upset by her revelation. “Not a shock, I suppose. If you placed basically the same order that I did when I was in last week, I’m not surprised she put two and two together. Some of the people in this town put clues together faster than a detective.”
“Well, in addition to your sandwich, you’ve got a bowl of soup and cookies.”
“Can’t say I’m upset by this news,” Kieran said, a full smile finally spreading across his face.
Cara separated out their food then watched as he bowed his head for a moment. She knew he was saying thanks for his food, and she bowed her head as well. There were days she went back and forth on how she felt about her faith, which had been the case since she was a teen.
/> Part of her confusion over her faith had come from her mom. When it was just the two of them, they’d attended church regularly. It was a large church, and they’d never gotten overly involved, but her mom had insisted they go and had been persistent in teaching Cara about the faith she’d been raised with.
What Cara hadn’t been able to grasp, once she’d understood the situation with her dad, was how her mom could continue to be with him when they weren’t married, especially given who her father was. It was only later, as an adult, that she’d come to realize that some people clung to their sin. Despite wanting to live a life pleasing to God, there were things they still gave greater importance in their life than Him. Justifying their reasons for allowing that sin to continue. For her mom, that was her love for Cara’s father.
So while she’d become a Christian at a young age, her relationship with the church and her own personal faith had been slow to grow, really only flourishing in the past few years. Not that she hadn’t continued to have ups and downs in her spiritual walk. The downs usually came about because of her past and the conflict she still felt within her heart over who her father was and the relationship her mother had had with him.
On the one hand, she longed to feel the peace and security that the pastor’s messages seemed to promise to those who trusted in God. Yet there was a part of her that wondered about trusting in a God who hadn’t kept her mother safe from those who had wanted to harm them, and who was now allowing her father to die of a painful disease which would leave her all alone in the world.
She knew her father was where he belonged—she’d heard enough about his crimes to know that. So it wasn’t that she thought God should have spared him from prison, but losing both parents made it feel like she was the one being punished for her father’s sins.
In spite of feeling confused at times, she still read her Bible like her mother had taught her, and she still went to church—or watched the livestream if she couldn’t make it in person. But a lot of the time, she struggled to feel at peace about the whole situation with her parents.
Because of Him: A Christian Romance (New Hope Falls Book 2) Page 8