“These photos are stunning.” Sarah turned to look at her. “Would you let me paint you?”
“Paint me?”
“Yes. I’d love to paint you in a ballet outfit like one of these. I mean, I could even do a painting from one of these pictures if it’s easier.”
Cara shrugged. “I’m not sure why I’d want a painting of myself. I don’t have anyone to give it to.”
“Your parents?”
Swallowing down another wave of grief, she said, “They’ve both passed away.”
“Oh, I’m so sorry.”
“Thank you.”
“If you’d be okay with letting me paint from one of these photos, I could change just enough so that you’re not recognizable, and then I could put it in the gallery.”
“I would be okay with that,” Cara said. “If you’re really sure you want to do that.”
“I’m sure. These are gorgeous.”
“We can talk more about it later.” Cara led the way to the stairs then up into her apartment.
“Wow,” Sarah said as she followed Cara inside. “This is also gorgeous. You brought some real class to Main Street, and we didn’t even realize it.”
“Oh, I think Main Street was doing just fine on class without my help.”
“Maybe, but this just brings it all up to a whole new level.”
“Can I get you something to drink? Coffee? Tea? Water?”
“A coffee would be nice.”
“Decaf or regular?”
“Guess I should go with decaf since I have to sleep tonight in order to be able to get up in the morning to help with cabin cleaning. Leah gets grumpy if she has to do it all by herself.”
“Is Anna away?”
“Yeah. She’s in LA for the week. Eli is going a little crazy without…her,” Sarah’s words seemed to fade as she realized that hearing that might be difficult for Cara.
And she wasn’t wrong. Tears threatened again as she realized that Kieran wasn’t going to ever go crazy because of missing her. He’d chosen to walk away. Knowing she wasn’t being fair to him, Cara tried to push aside her pain as she turned to pull down mugs to make coffee for her guest.
“I’m sorry, Cara.” Cara glanced over at Sarah and saw a rueful look on her face. “That was thoughtless of me.”
“You’re fine.” Cara tried to give her a reassuring smile, but she had a feeling she’d failed miserably. “I don’t want people to feel like they have to constantly watch what they say around me now. I have to get used to it. And I’m happy for Eli and Anna. They seem to really love each other.”
“They do.” This time Sarah’s tone was wistful.
“No one on the horizon for you?”
Sarah huffed out a laugh. “I wish. It’s hard in a town this small. I mean, I’ve known most the guys my age since we were kids. I can’t remember a time when I didn’t know them, really. Not that there are that many who have stuck around New Hope.”
“No new blood has come in?”
“A few, but none I’ve been interested in.”
“How about people who come to the lodge? That’s how Eli met Anna, right?”
Sarah nodded as she took the cup of coffee from Cara. “That was a bit different, though, because we got to know Anna really well since she also helped us out at the lodge. Most the people who come just do their own thing. We might see them for meals, but even then, we’re usually busy helping Mom.”
Cara led them to the small dining room table and motioned to one of the chairs. She found she didn’t really have the stomach to be discussing the subject of men.
“Anyway,” Sarah said, seeming adept at reading Cara’s silence. “How about you tell me what you’re looking for with regards to the backdrop you want for the Christmas recital.”
Cara was only too happy to leave the previous discussion behind, even though it was hard to pull up the excitement she’d been feeling towards the Christmas event. If not for her commitment to the event, she would happily have left town for at least a month or two. At least until she could see Kieran without feeling sick with the pain of her loss.
Sarah kept the conversation focused on the topic at hand, and when they finished, she didn’t linger. Cara had appreciated the company, but she was rapidly reaching the point where she needed to be alone.
“Take care of yourself,” Sara whispered as she hugged Cara at the door.
Cara nodded, but she couldn’t push any words past the emotion that had tightened her throat. She closed and locked the door after Sarah had left, then turned off the lights and headed back up to her apartment.
Once she was upstairs, she turned off those lights as well then made her way to her seat by the window. She stared off in the direction of Kieran’s house, wondering if he was hurting like she was. Or was he so angry at her that his anger eclipsed everything that had previously been between them?
She drew her legs up and wrapped her arms tightly around them, trying to keep the pain contained. It felt like the emotions were expanding in her chest, threatening to break the band of tightness there and tear through her.
Her breaths came in short pants as she struggled to keep herself under control, but the grief and loneliness were just too much. Ragged sobs burst from deep inside her, and there was no way she could stop them.
How much pain was she supposed to survive in her life? Her father had always told her she was the strongest person he knew, but even a strong person had a breaking point. And it seemed that she’d reached hers.
She didn’t want to face hurt after hurt after hurt. Loss after loss. It was just too much. And now she was well and truly alone.
When her mom had passed, her father had been there to help her grieve, and when her father’s time had come, Kieran had offered his strength and understanding. But now? Now she had no one to help her keep from falling completely apart. And there would be no one there to help her pick up the pieces afterward.
She didn’t feel strong at all. No, she felt weaker than she’d ever felt before in her life.
Feeling like she was going to be sick, Cara stumbled from her seat into the bathroom off her bedroom.
“Why, God? What did I ever do to deserve this pain? Why have You taken away every person I’ve ever loved?” Anguish drew the words from her as she bent forward, hands braced on the cool tile of the bathroom floor.
When her arms began to tremble, she leaned against the cabinet and took shaky breaths, trying to draw enough air into her lungs to calm her emotions. She didn’t want to be in New Hope anymore. She didn’t want to see judgment or pity on the faces of the people in the town.
She wanted to go where no one knew she was so broken inside that she knew she’d never be whole again. And she would never love again. Never again. Loving had only brought her pain.
New Hope had finally felt like home, but it was more Kieran’s home than hers, and she knew that he wouldn’t be leaving. And someday, he’d find another woman to love.
The thought sent Cara scrambling to the toilet to empty her stomach. She couldn’t be around when that happened. She definitely wasn’t strong enough for that, and she doubted she ever would be.
When her stomach was no longer endeavoring to empty itself of its contents, Cara slumped against the wall and stared blankly at the floor. With that horrible scenario stuck in her head, the only thing she could do was begin to plan her exit from New Hope.
She’d stay through the Christmas recital because she owed it to her students, but then she would leave. She wasn’t sure where she’d go, but she had a few weeks to figure that out. And this time, she wouldn’t be telling Doug Anders where she was going. She was as done trusting people as she was done loving them.
Cara wasn’t sure how long she’d been sitting on the bathroom floor, but when her swollen eyes began to droop, she dragged herself to bed. She didn’t bother to change before crawling beneath her comforter. Thankfully, her emotional exhaustion gave way to physical exhaustion, and she welcomed sleep when it came
.
CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO
The next morning when her alarm went, Cara lay there for a moment, wondering if she was coming down with something. Her eyes felt puffy and gritty. Her head ached like she’d had way too much to drink the night before.
Her one and only experience with excessive alcohol consumption had been when she’d celebrated turning twenty-one, and that had been more than enough. The memory of that feeling still lingered all these years later. But she couldn’t figure out why she would have been drinking because she knew Kieran didn’t drink. They’d never gone to a bar, and she didn’t keep alcohol in her apartment.
Swinging her legs over the bed, she leaned forward and held her head for a moment before reaching for her phone. Maybe something there would jog her memory.
Peering at the display, she saw that she had no new text messages, so she opened her app to see her last conversation with Kieran. It was only when she saw their last exchange that things began to come back to her.
“Oh no,” she whispered, wishing then that she hadn’t woken up.
Before anything else, she sent out a quick message to the classes she had scheduled that day to let them know she was feeling sick and apologizing for having to cancel again. It wasn’t a lie either. She felt wretched, and the last thing she wanted was a lot of questions about what was wrong.
When that was done, she took a deep breath, knowing that she needed to pull herself together to face the day. She had to deal with Doug and Giovanni first, then she had to start planning her new future.
Was she a coward for running? Sure. But honestly, she didn’t have it in her to be strong anymore. At least not yet.
After a long shower where she shed a few more tears, Cara pulled on a pair of jeans and a sweater, then smoothed her hair back into a bun and applied enough makeup to cover most of the damage her crying episodes had created. Feeling slightly more human—but nowhere near her normal self—she made herself a mug of tea, afraid that coffee would do nothing to calm her upset stomach.
With the mug cupped in her hands, she made her way back to the window. The view that she’d enjoyed so much since moving there brought her no joy at that moment, but she couldn’t seem to stop looking at it. In fact, the sight of Norma’s caused even more pain. She’d come to appreciate the restaurant and its owner. Norma had always had a ready smile and an encouraging word for her.
Her heart ached at the thought of leaving it all behind, but for her sake, she had to. And no doubt Kieran would be glad to see the last of her too. She’d always be a reminder of what had happened to his father and brother. The last thing she wanted was to be a negative reminder for someone.
Before all of this had happened, she’d brought a smile to Kieran’s face whenever he’d seen her. She didn’t think she could stomach seeing his features tighten in anger or pain whenever he saw her.
Resolutely, she took the stairs down to the garage and was soon backing out into the alley, then heading toward the road that would take her to the hotel where Doug and Giovanni were staying. It was closer to Everett than New Hope, and it was a fairly nice place.
Uncertain of their room numbers, she texted Doug as she walked into the reception area to let him know that she was there and that she wanted to talk to them. As she waited for a response, she fought the urge to look through her pictures or read her text messages from Kieran. She needed to keep her emotions under control for this conversation.
“Cara?”
She swung around and saw Doug coming toward her. He was dressed casually in a pair of jeans and a long sleeve Henley shirt.
“I need to talk to you and Giovanni.”
He gave a quick nod. “We’re just having some breakfast in the restaurant.” He gestured toward the direction from which he’d come. “Would you like to join us?”
She wasn’t hungry in the slightest, but she wasn’t going to just hang around the reception area waiting while they finished eating. At her nod, he waited for her to reach his side before he turned to walk with her to the restaurant.
Gio stood as they reached the table. “Good morning.”
“Morning.” It was so far from good that Cara couldn’t even pair the two words.
She took one of the two seats that didn’t have food in front of it. A waitress appeared almost immediately, but Cara only ordered tea. She was still not sure how her stomach would tolerate coffee.
Once they were left alone, Cara turned to face Doug. “Do you know Kieran Sutherland?”
Shock crossed the man’s face before he nodded. “How do you know that name?”
“Until last night, I was dating him.”
“Oh man,” Gio muttered.
“Yeah. Apparently he saw the two of you in town and did a little research before putting the pieces together and figuring out who I was.”
“He always was a stellar detective,” Doug said. “Just like his father.”
“He broke up with you?” Gio asked, his dark brown gaze soft as he regarded her.
“Do you think it would have been possible for him to stay with me once he realized who my father was?” Cara swallowed against the tightening in her throat. “I don’t blame him. He told me what your family did to his brother and his father.”
Gio nodded slowly. “But you are not our father. You’re not responsible for the things that he and others in the organization did.”
The waitress returned and placed a small silver teapot and a teacup on the table in front of her. Cara waited until she’d left before saying anything more. As she prepared her tea, she said, “But see, the thing is, I’d told him all about my father. Not his name. Not that he was in prison. Not that he was responsible for a criminal organization. No, I told him all about the man I knew. The man I loved. How could he reconcile the fact that the man I loved and mourned was the one responsible for the deaths of his brother and father?”
“I see.” Gio lifted his coffee and took a sip. “You and I will both have to live with the fact that the man we knew as father was different from the man others saw. The father I knew was also very different from the one my brothers knew. To many, he was a monster. To me, he was simply Papa.”
Cara blinked back tears at the name Gio gave to their father. He’d been her papa too. “I had hoped that with Papa’s death, I’d be able to leave our past behind and fully embrace the identity I have now.”
“Had you planned to tell Kieran about your past?” Doug asked.
“I had been feeling torn about it because I’d promised Papa I wouldn’t tell anyone. And because he was a cop, I thought maybe it was better he didn’t know.” Except she had a feeling that if they’d reached a certain point of intimacy in their relationship, she would have wanted him to know everything. And if the hurt was this powerful after only a few months of being together, she couldn’t imagine what it would have been like a year or two down the road.
“Is there anything we can do?” Gio asked. “Do you want us to talk to him? Explain what’s going on?”
If she’d thought it would make any difference, Cara would have jumped at the offer, but she knew it wouldn’t, so she shook her head. “He said he won’t say anything to anyone about what he knows about me, or that he saw you and Gio here.”
“That’s good,” Doug said. “I know he still has friends in the department, and I’d hate for word to get back to them. The last thing we need is the wrong person finding out where you are or jeopardizing the case we’re building.”
“I trust that he’ll be true to his word and won’t say anything.” She was completely certain of that. Regardless of what was going on between them, he’d given his word, and she believed him.
“I hope you’re right.” Doug sighed. “So what are you going to do now?”
Cara looked at him, knowing he was probably wondering if she planned to leave New Hope, but even though she did, she didn’t plan to let him know that.
“I have a Christmas recital I’m planning for my students at the studio, so I’ll be f
ocusing on that.”
“Have you thought anymore about what your father asked in his letter?”
“No. The bombshell that Kieran dropped last night sort of distracted me from that.”
“I’ll understand if you need more time,” Gio said. “I just want you to know that you aren’t alone. That I understand what it’s like to try to reconcile the man we loved with the things he did. At least we can take comfort that in the end, he did try to do the right thing. I don’t see that happening with my brothers.”
Cara allowed herself to really look at the man across from her. There was hurt and grief there that she recognized. She’d never had to face the consequences of her father’s actions until the previous night, but Gio had had to live with them his whole life. And not just the actions of his father, but those of his brothers as well.
She found herself a little curious about how he’d managed to not become just like her brothers. But she wasn’t going to ask.
She hoped that Gio was able to see justice meted out for his brothers, and that he would one day be free to live the life he wanted. She’d had a brief taste of that in New Hope, and she wanted it again. Running might not be the answer, but it was the only way she’d get to live a life free from the stigma she faced now.
“We won’t bother you about this again,” Gio said, his expression stoic. “I will leave you with the information to contact me if you should wish, but I won’t be bothering you. I can see now how much being associated with my family has hurt you, and I have no wish to add to your pain.”
“You only have to call if you need anything,” Doug added. “Your father extracted a promise from me as well. I know that it seems unlikely, but I considered him a friend. I saw the weight he carried because of his actions. I know he loved your mother deeply, Cara. It was his wish that I continue to care for you as I would my own daughter, and I will do just that.”
Cara’s chest tightened at the emotion in the man’s words. If only Kieran had been able to see the change in her father, maybe he would have been more accepting of him. But she could hardly expect him to take her word for that. She might be moving on, but she’d never forget Kieran in the same way she’d never forget the man she knew her father to be. Because of them, she’d learned about love, and she’d carry the memory of her love for each of them with her forever.
Because of Him: A Christian Romance (New Hope Falls Book 2) Page 23