by Force, Marie
The last thing she wanted was to ruin Jenny’s first Christmas with her new husband and family with reminders about a past they’d both sooner forget than dwell on, especially on a holiday.
Life is for the living. That was what Toby would say if he were here to see her melting down over him more than fourteen years after his death. They’d lost their grandmother a few years before he died, and when Erin said she felt guilty for rarely visiting her gravesite, that had been Toby’s reply. He’d said their grandmother wouldn’t want them to feel guilty about not going to the cemetery, because they’d been devoted to her in life, which was what really mattered.
Erin reached for a tissue from the box on the counter and dabbed at her eyes, hoping she could get this situation under control so she wouldn’t have to reappear with red eyes. She took a deep breath, held it for a long count and then released it. Earlier in the day, she’d talked to her parents, who were visiting with her other grandmother for Christmas.
Over the years, they’d gotten out of the habit of making a big deal of holidays, because it was just too painful. They preferred to spend time together on regular days that weren’t so fraught with memories and regrets and family expectations.
A soft knock sounded on the door. “Er? You okay?”
Erin checked her appearance in the mirror and took another deep breath before she opened the door to Jenny, forcing a smile for her friend’s benefit. “Hey, sorry. I’m fine.”
Jenny took a careful look at Erin, tilting her head. “No, you’re not. What is it?”
“Oh, the usual holiday thing,” she said, affecting nonchalance. “I just had a little moment, but I’m fine now.”
“You don’t have to pretend with me,” Jenny said softly.
“I don’t want to ruin our lovely day.”
“You’re not ruining anything. It sneaks up sometimes when we least expect it. Happened to me last night.”
“Really?” Erin was ashamed to realize she’d assumed Jenny was so happy with Alex that she rarely thought of Toby anymore.
Jenny stepped into the room and closed the door. “I think of him every single day,” she said softly in response to Erin’s unspoken thought. “Nothing could ever change that.”
“I didn’t mean to imply—”
“Erin, honey, I know you didn’t. It’s only natural for people to think I’ve moved on with Alex. I’m happy again, so why would I dwell on the grief of the past? But you and I both know it’s not that simple.” As she rested her hand over her heart, her eyes filled with tears. “He will always be with me. Always.” Jenny cleared her throat and took the tissue Erin handed her. “Do you remember at our wedding when Alex and I lit three candles and then the unity candle?”
“I can’t say I noticed that.”
“Well, we did, and the third candle was for Toby. Alex suggested it. He never loses sight of the fact that he got his happy ending because someone else died.”
“That’s… That’s a wonderful tribute.”
“His picture is still on the bedside table in the room I share with my husband.” She took a small step closer to Erin. “And you, my dear, darling friend, will always be my sister, no matter how many new sisters I may acquire along the way.”
“I’m a jealous cow,” Erin said, sniffing through her tears. She should’ve known Jenny would tune in to what had set her off.
Jenny laughed. “No, you’re the loyal and wonderful sister of my heart who understands my journey better than just about anyone else ever could.”
“I love Hope. She’s awesome.”
“Yes, she is, and I couldn’t be happier for her and Paul and Ethan. She’s going to be a wonderful addition to my family, but she could never take your place in my family or my heart. You’re right there next to Toby, two of the most important people in my life.”
Erin hugged her, and they clung to each other the way they had during the horrible days, weeks, months and years that followed Toby’s death. “I’m sorry to rain on your first Christmas with Alex. I’ve been a bit of a basket case lately.”
“You’re not raining on anything, and you’re not a basket case. You’re falling in love with a wonderful man, and if I know you at all, you’re fighting it tooth and nail.”
“I’m not falling in love. I’m in lust. That’s all it is.”
“Funny, that’s what I said about Alex, and now here I am with his ring on my finger and knocked up with his kid.”
Erin gasped. “Oh my God! You are? You’re pregnant?”
Smiling at her reaction, Jenny said, “Three months.”
“You didn’t tell me!”
“We haven’t told anyone, but I wanted you to know.”
Erin hugged her again. “This is such amazing news. I’m so happy for you guys.”
“Thanks, we’re thrilled. But don’t think my news gets you off the hook on falling in love. I see the way you look at him and the way he looks at you. I’ve never seen you look at anyone else the way you look at him, not even Mitch.”
“This… He… We…” Erin groaned in frustration while Jenny laughed.
“He’s got you stuttering.”
“Among other things,” Erin muttered.
“Can I give you one teeny, tiny piece of advice?”
“Can I stop you?”
Laughing, Jenny put her hands on Erin’s shoulders, compelling Erin to look at her. “When Alex and I were first together, I was a disaster. All I did was try to deny what was happening because it was too much too soon. I’d learned the hard way not to take chances, you know?”
“I know all too well.”
“But there was something about him. Something different. And he refused to let me cop out of what was happening between us.”
“Sounds like Slim.”
“Letting it happen with Alex is the best thing I’ve done since I lost Toby. I want you to find your happily ever after, too, Er. And I think he could be it.”
“I don’t know if I’m ready for all the things he could be.”
“You’re never ready for something like this, but I’d hate to see you have regrets if you wimp out and let him get away.”
“Wimp out?”
“Isn’t that what you’d be doing if you don’t at least try to make it work with him?”
“You don’t pull any punches.”
“When have I ever pulled punches? I want you to be happy, and in order for that to happen, you have to take a chance. You have to. Isn’t that what you’re always telling the women who write to you?”
“Don’t throw my own words back in my face,” Erin said, smiling.
“You know I’m right.”
They were interrupted by another knock.
“Your guy or mine?” Jenny asked. “What do you think?”
“Probably yours.”
“I say yours, but let’s find out.” Jenny opened the door to Slim and sent Erin a smug look.
“Everything all right in there, ladies?” he asked, his eyes laser focused on Erin.
“Yes, we’re good,” she said.
“Take a minute.” Jenny kissed her cheek before she left the room, patting Slim’s arm on the way by.
“Sorry,” Erin said. “I just needed a minute. I’m okay now.”
“You’re sure?”
“Yeah.”
With his hands propped on the doorframe, he said, “When Jenny said that to Hope about being sisters… I’ve only seen that expression on your face once before, the day Jenny married Alex at the lighthouse.”
Unnerved by his assessment, she crossed her arms. “You’re awfully insightful.”
He flashed the irrepressible grin that she found so sexy. “Pilots and bartenders, sweetheart. I’ve been telling you that for months now.”
Erin went to him, put her hands on his chest and kissed him. “Thank you for coming to check on me. Let’s go finish dinner.”
“You want to skip the McCarthys’ later?”
“Not at all. I’m fine. I promise.”
She thought he would step back to let her pass, but instead, he wrapped his arms around her. Snuggled into his warm embrace, breathing in his appealing scent, Erin relaxed ever so slightly. He made her feel like nothing bad would happen if he continued to hold her this way. “Let’s go finish dinner.”
He kissed the top of her head and released her, but kept his hand on her back as they returned to the dining room, where the others carried on as if nothing had happened, which was exactly what she needed.
Erin loved these people. She truly did. And she was beginning to love Slim, too.
Chapter 13
Kevin cooked a turkey that turned out sort of dry. His sons would eat anything, so he wasn’t too worried about impressing them. No, he was far more concerned about making sure Chelsea had a nice dinner.
She brought mashed potatoes and apple pie and wore a pale pink sweater that clung to her breasts. Her long blonde hair, which was usually braided for work, was loose around her shoulders. What in the world was a goddess like her doing with a schlep like him?
“Nice apron,” she said, her eyes taking a slow, lazy trip down the front of him, making him thankful for the apron.
“You’re not allowed to look at me like that today.”
“My apologies.”
“Ah, fuck it.” He put his arm around her and was kissing her senseless when Riley walked into the kitchen, clearing his throat to let them know he was there. Kevin withdrew from the kiss, noting the way she diverted her eyes as her face flushed with embarrassment.
“Sorry.” Riley got a beer from the fridge, cracked it open and went into the living room.
Chelsea glared at him. “You’re not allowed to do that,” she hissed. “Not here.”
“Sorry.”
“You are not.”
“No, I’m really not. They need to get used to seeing me kiss you.”
“Baby steps, Kev.”
“Which one of us is the shrink, anyway?”
Chelsea stirred the gravy he had simmering on the stovetop. “Sometimes I wonder.”
Placing his hands on her hips, he leaned into her to check the other pans.
“Get that thing off me.”
“You like that thing.”
“Kevin!”
“What time are we eating, Dad?” Finn asked as he made his first appearance of the day. Neither of his sons had been there when he got home last night. He had no idea what time they’d rolled in. Finn’s dark hair was standing on end, and his blue eyes were rimmed with red, signs of a hangover.
“Half an hour or so. Rough night?”
“Fun night.”
“You remember Chelsea, right?”
“Sure,” Finn said. “How you doing?”
“I’m good,” Chelsea said. “Merry Christmas.”
“Yeah, same to you.” He escaped to the living room with his brother.
“Awkward,” Chelsea whispered.
Kevin began to question the wisdom of inviting Chelsea to join them for their first Christmas since he and Deb had split up. Maybe it was too soon to expect his sons to welcome his girlfriend, or whatever she was, into their home away from home for a holiday.
Since it was far too late to turn back, he decided to make the most of it. “Everything’s ready.” He gestured to the table he’d set earlier.
“It looks really nice,” Chelsea said, taking in the table and the tree he’d put up to try to make the holiday festive.
His sons weren’t feeling the Christmas spirit, but Kevin was determined to get through the day as best they could. They sat down to dinner, and the boys dove into the food, eating like they hadn’t been fed in a month. Chelsea picked at the food on her plate, pushing the turkey around in the gravy.
“Did you get a chance to talk to your family today?” he asked her.
“I talked to my mom and stepfather this morning and my brother this afternoon. My niece and nephew told me every present Santa brought them.”
Kevin was ashamed to realize he hadn’t known she had a brother, niece or nephew. He wanted to know if her father was still alive, but he couldn’t ask that now. “How old are the kids?”
“Three and five.”
“I remember those days,” he said, glancing at Riley and Finn.
“Mom called,” Finn said.
“Oh. Good. How’s she doing?”
“Fine. She’s home by herself today.”
Kevin had to bite his tongue to keep from saying that was what she’d wanted when she ended their marriage. “So she’s at the house?”
“Uh-huh.”
That was news to Kevin, who’d been told on her way out the door that he could have the house she never wanted to see again.
Riley polished off a second plate and stood. “I’ll do the dishes.”
“I don’t mind doing them, son. Take the day off.” They’d been working long hours to help Mac finish the addition at Seamus and Carolina’s house in time for the holidays.
“Are you sure?”
“Yep.”
“Okay. I’m going to go meet some friends for a beer.”
“I’ll come with you.” Finn rose, plate in hand, to follow his brother.
“I’ll see you at Uncle Mac’s later?” Kevin asked.
“Yeah, I’ll be there,” Riley said.
“Me, too,” Finn added.
The front door closed behind them, and silence fell upon the house. Kevin released a deep breath that he’d been holding and noted Chelsea watching him from across the table, wineglass dangling between her fingers. “Sorry about that.”
“Nothing to apologize for.”
“They’re not usually so… quiet.”
“Doesn’t matter how old you are when your parents split up. It’s always hard.”
Kevin topped off her glass with more wine. “How old were you?”
“Seventeen.”
“Ouch. Senior year?”
She nodded. “And to make it even better, my dad hooked up with the mother of one of my best friends, breaking up two marriages for the price of one affair. It was a huge scandal. We were the talk of the high school.” Looking over at him, she added, “I get how your sons are feeling. Even if your breakup wasn’t a scandal, it was the end of life as they knew it.”
“I suppose so.”
“It’s hard to see your parents moving on with other people, even if you like the other people. I adore my stepfather, but I didn’t at first. To me, he was part of the problem.”
“What changed?”
“He makes my mom really happy, happier than she’s ever been.”
“That counts for something.”
“It counts for a lot.”
“What about your dad? Is he still with the other woman?”
“Yep, they’re married and have more kids together.”
“So everyone is happy. Do you see your father?”
“Occasionally. I didn’t see him for years after it first happened. I couldn’t bear to be in the same room with him. About five years later, he had a massive heart attack, and we thought he was going to die. Since then, my brother and I have tried to be a little more forgiving, but we can never forget what he did to our family.”
After a long pause, Kevin said, “You know what kind of bums me out about my situation?”
“What’s that?”
“I feel like they’re blaming me, when she’s the one who had the affair. She’s the one who left me and wanted out of the marriage.”
“They know that. Why do you think they’re here with you rather than there with her today?”
“Hmm, I figured it was because they’re working here for the winter and it was easier to stay.”
“You sell yourself short, Kevin. They’re here because they want to be. They’ve probably known for some time that she’s back home, but they chose to stay—with you and the rest of their family.”
“It’ll be interesting to see what happens when this job at Seamus’s is done. Mac has told them he wants them to stay, but
I’m not sure they will.”
“What were they doing before they came out here?”
“They work for a big construction company in Connecticut. They’re both engineers, and when things happened with Deb and me, they took leaves of absence from work to come out here for a while.”
“And it never occurred to you that they did that so they could help you through a rough time?”
“Not really,” he said with a sheepish grin. “You sure you didn’t go to medical school?”
“Nah, I’m a graduate of the school of hard knocks—and I’m a bartender. I get people, and I’ve seen them with you before we were together. It’s obvious they think the world of you.”
“Is it?” he asked, touched by her assessment.
“Yes, Kevin,” she said, laughing. “They adore you. Just give them some time and space to get used to the new reality. They’ll be fine and so will you.”
“That’s good to know.” Before he could lose his nerve, he said, “Come to my brother’s with me. You know everyone, and it’ll be fun.”
“It’s a family thing.”
“It’s a Gansett thing. Everyone is welcome. My brother loves you. He’d want you to come.”
“Your brother loves everyone.”
“True, but he’s got a soft spot for you, as you well know.”
“He’s adorable.”
“Don’t make me jealous.”
“Now you’re being ridiculous.”
“So you’ll come?”
“Sure, I’d love to.” She took a sip of her wine. “But only because he’s going to be there.”
It took Kevin a second to realize she was joking, and then he laughed. Today hadn’t gone as smoothly as he’d hoped, but she’d made him see that it was the first step in what would be a long journey for him and his sons as they adjusted to their new normal.
* * *
On the drive home from Alex and Jenny’s, David Lawrence relived the last six months of utter bliss with Daisy. After a couple of years spent putting his life back together from the mess he’d made of it, Daisy had come along right when he was beginning to feel normal again.