“I’ll get breakfast,” he murmured before trudging to the kitchen, leaving Eric and Camden to relish in the power of karma.
***
Shane pulled his truck into the small medical complex. Camden was in her usual spot, tucked under his arm, but he could feel the tension in her muscles. She was scared, and if he admitted it to himself, so was he. He was absolutely terrified. Shane stepped out of the truck and turned back to lift Camden from the seat and set her on the ground next to him. He intertwined their fingers and slowly walked toward the front of the building.
Neither one said a word as he opened the door and they entered the lobby. They walked in silence until they reached the door to Dr. Stevens’ office. Shane turned to look deeply into Camden’s eyes.
“We’ll be fine,” he whispered. “No matter what he says, we’ve got this,” he encouraged. He just wished he could believe his own words.
Camden smiled weakly at Shane, and followed him into the waiting room. Dr. Stevens’ receptionist greeted them immediately since they were the only people in the office at eight o’clock in the morning.
"Dr. Stevens and Dr. Hyler are waiting for you,” she smiled. “You can go right on in,” she instructed.
The dark office seemed ominous to Shane, as if only bad news could be given in it. The two doctors stood when they saw Shane and Camden entering the room. Dr. Stevens walked to a small sofa in the corner of his office and indicated Shane and Camden should take a seat. Shane struggled to swallow when he observed the men’s solemn expressions. The doctors took the two seats across from the couch, and Dr. Hyler began speaking.
“Camden, Shane, we received the outcomes of Camden’s most recent tests, and the results are concerning. Dr. Stevens brought me in today to discuss options with you.”
Shane slid his arms around Camden’s shoulder and pulled her closer to him. Her back was completely stiff and straight as she listened to the doctor.
“So far, the baby seems to be developing well. Her markers show she is right on track for development and growth. That being said, it is still vital for her to remain in utero as long as possible. On the other hand, Camden’s tests and her most recent PET scans indicate the current chemo treatment is only holding the progression of her cancer at bay. It’s slowing down the advancement of the disease, but the cancer is still becoming more prominent in her scans.”
Shane forced himself to swallow. His voice sounded weak when he spoke. “What does this mean for Camden and Lauren?”
“I don’t think we can wait until Camden is thirty-six weeks to deliver,” he informed them. Camden’s hands flew to her stomach, shielding her baby from danger.
“She needs to stay until she’s fully developed,” she argued. Shane squeezed her encouragingly, but inside, he was just as worried as she was.
"Camden,” Dr. Hyler spoke grimly, “if we wait until you are thirty-six weeks to deliver, I fear it will be too late for the high-dose chemo to make a difference.”
“What do you mean?” Shane’s voice cracked.
“If we wait, Camden’s cancer will progress too far for us to save her.”
The sharp intake of Shane’s breath filled the silent room. He fought the shaking of his hands, but he knew he wasn’t hiding the blow he felt from Dr. Hyler’s words. Camden’s tear-filled gaze looked into his eyes.
“I won’t risk Lauren,” she whispered.
“Miss Shepherd,” Dr. Stevens interrupted. “What if we delivered in four weeks instead of eight? At thirty-two weeks, Lauren would have strong chance of surviving, and we would be able to start you on a stronger treatment a whole month sooner. It’s not ideal, but it is better than the alternative.”
“I will not risk my baby,” Camden stated angrily. “I would choose her life over mine no matter how you present your possibilities.”
Shane stared blankly at the doctors for a moment, imagining his life without Camden. The scene was heart wrenching. He shook the vision from his head and stared determinedly at Dr. Hyler.
“So, what do we do? If moving up the delivery date isn’t an option, what choices do we have?”
Both doctors looked disappointed that Shane wasn’t trying to convince Camden to change her mind. They looked at each other, and when Dr. Stevens nodded, Dr. Hyler spoke again.
“We can increase the intensity of the chemotherapy. Not by much, obviously. We don’t want to cause the baby any problems, but a slightly higher dosage might help.”
Shane looked at Camden expectantly, his eyes begging her to make this one concession. She wrestled with the thought, but she knew that her body had protected Lauren from the chemotherapy this far. She could only hope it would continue to do so, because she wouldn’t risk the complications that Lauren could suffer because of an early delivery.
“Okay,” Camden whispered. “You can increase the chemo intensity, but I stand by the delivery date. You will not induce me until I am thirty-six weeks. I want Lauren to have the best start possible.”
The doctors nodded, and Shane sighed. He was relieved that she still wanted to fight the disease, but he was torn at the decision to hold off delivery of Lauren. If Lauren were anything like her mother, she would be an immensely strong little girl, and he believed she would survive an early arrival. If he were wrong, though, Camden would never forgive him. For now, he decided he would just watch and wait. And he would take Eric’s words to heart. He would show Camden that he needed her. He would give her a reason to fight for what they could have together.
***
Javier was unloading beer into the ice chest at the bar when he heard the phone ring. The bar was still dark, and he was the only one there so early in the morning. Setting the last case onto the shelf, he hurried to get the phone that hung on the wall of the kitchen.
“Cam’s Bar and Grill, Javier speaking.”
“Javi? Is that you?”
Javier would know that cowboy twang anywhere. He chuckled.
“Captain Hawke, what are you calling for?”
“Glad to see the respect you learned in the Army stayed with you,” the Captain answered sarcastically.
“Sorry, sir. Just surprised to hear your voice is all.” Javier grinned.
“Heard Shane Hunt has got himself tied down. The wife wanted me to send her congratulations.”
“Yep,” Javi grinned. “He came home and found his childhood sweetheart. They’re having a baby girl in a few months.”
Captain Hawke chuckled. “That’s what my boys told me. When I told Irene, she told me I needed to call. She always loved that boy like he was our own. She’s already knit three baby blankets and the tiniest little sock things I’ve ever seen. I don’t even think my boys had feet that little.”
Javi laughed. “I’m sure Camden will appreciate it. You need their address?”
“I’d be thrilled if you could give it to me. It’d get Irene off my back.”
“Sure thing. Let me grab it really quickly.” Javier began rifling through the Rolodex on the table. “Shane is staying with Camden in Milton these days. She’s got cancer, so she’s going through chemo right now.”
“And she’s pregnant?!” Captain Hawke whistled. “Must be one tough girl.”
“Very tough,” Javi confirmed. He found the address of Camden’s apartment and gave it to Captain Hawke.
“Thanks again, Javi. And tell Shane and Brody I send my best.”
“Yes, sir, Captain. You and Irene take care of yourselves.” He smiled as he thought of the captain’s wife. She’d been like a surrogate mother to a lot of the guys in their company - Javi’s squad in particular, as one of her sons was on a squad with Javi, Brody, and Shane.
“Oh, Javi, before I let you go…” the captain started.
“Yeah, Cap?”
“I wanted to ask you if you’d heard from Daphne Cruz.”
Javier stilled at the captain’s words.
“Yes, sir. She was in this area a few months ago.” He paused, questions racing through his mind. “So
mething going on, Captain?”
“If you see her again, Javi, give me a call. She took a two week leave three and a half months ago and never reported back for duty. We’ve checked with her family on several occasions, but she’s not staying near home.”
“She’s AWOL?!” Javier exclaimed.
“Yeah. It’s not looking too good for her, Javier. You’ll let me know if she comes around again?”
“Absolutely, Cap. I’ll have Brody and Shane keep an eye out, too.”
“Thanks again, Javier. You take care of yourself.”
“You, too, Captain Hawke.”
Javier disconnected the call. His hands were shaking as he began dialing Brody’s number.
***
Chapter 37
Two weeks. For two weeks, Camden had watched Shane toil endlessly to make her comfortable. He left her side only to get her food or blankets or pillows. He waited on her hand and foot. He rubbed her back when the chemo drugs made her sick. He held her when she became overcome with emotion, shaking uncontrollably as sobs wracked her body. He suffered through romance movies. He sang to Lauren. He told Camden she was beautiful when she felt emaciated and ugly. He told her that he loved her a thousand times a day. In other words, he was perfect. And it was sheer torture.
Shane would hold her at night, caressing her pregnant belly, while he shared his dreams of their future. He painted such a lovely picture of the house they would own, of Lauren and the other children they would have, trips they would take to Europe and to Mexican beaches and to exotic islands. Sometimes, his stories would grow intensely sexual, his fantasies of their lovemaking hot and arousing. The visions he shared were as wonderful as the man telling them.
She couldn’t tell him that every time he shared his dreams, she couldn’t seem to imagine herself in the picture. She had chosen to wait to deliver Lauren to give her the best start to a healthy life, and in doing so, Camden felt like she was giving up herself. She would still fight the cancer, of course, but she knew that choosing to wait had been like sentencing herself to death. And in thinking about this, she began to worry about Shane.
The last few days, Camden had been plagued by things Shane’s ex had said to her a couple of months prior. Sure, Camden knew that most of what the woman said was shit, but she couldn’t help but wonder what would happen to Shane if he watched her slowly die. Was she being selfish? Would he shut down? Would he be able to care for their daughter? Would he always be broken?
The thought of that future horrified her. Shane was too alive, too vital to shut down that way. Camden loved him too much to break him. She had decided that she couldn’t let him watch her die slowly and in constant pain. She couldn’t traumatize him like that. She wanted to spare him the pain of watching her wither to nothing. She wanted to keep him in one piece – mentally, physically, AND emotionally – for Lauren. And she wanted to preserve his chances of finding love again.
***
“No!” Eric hissed. “There is no fucking way that I will help you destroy the best thing that has ever happened to you!”
“Eric!” Camden growled. “This is what is best for him. Watching me die will kill him!”
Eric flinched at her blunt comment.
“Watching THIS train wreck will kill ME!” he yelled. Camden shoved her hand over his mouth, panicking at his volume. When she removed it, Eric whisper yelled, “And I’m not going to do it, Camicake, because you aren’t going to die,” he declared.
“Eric, the doctors said that by waiting…” Eric spoke over her, cutting off her words.
“I don’t care what those idiot doctors said, Camden. You are not going to die. And we are not going to talk about you breaking Shane’s heart right now, while he slaves over your dinner in the kitchen,” he commanded.
Camden scoffed. “He’s making soup, Eric…not a seven course meal.”
“That is not the point, Camden. The point is that the man in that kitchen is doing everything in his power to show you how much he loves you. He is bending over backwards and rearranging his whole life to take care of you, and you are throwing it all back in his face as if it isn’t good enough.”
“That’s exactly what my problem is, Eric. He is rearranging his whole life. His ENTIRE focus is me. When I die…”
“You’re not going to die,” he growled.
"When I die,” she stated deliberately,” will he even be able to recover? He won’t have a life to go back to! He’ll have no anchor.”
Eric lunged forward aggressively, but his touch was gentle as his hand rested on Camden’s belly. “LAUREN will keep him anchored.”
Camden’s eyes watered and she gasped at the sudden pain in her heart. “Eric, I can’t break him. I can’t be the reason he dies inside,” she whispered.
“If you leave him, Camden, you WILL break him.” Eric suddenly stood and began pacing the room. “I swear the two of you are the most misguided idiots I’ve ever met.”
Camden glared at Eric as he continued to walk and talk.
“First, he doesn’t want to hurt you by asking you to wait for him, in case he doesn’t make it home from Afghanistan. Instead of being a grown up and talking to him, you run away. When you finally find each other again, you sleep with the poor bastard as some twisted form of closure, planning to abandon him to spare him the pain of seeing you with cancer. Now, you plan to leave him to spare him the trauma of watching you die – which, by the way, I refuse to let you die.” Eric threw his hands into the air in frustration. “Don’t you see, Cami? You two keep pushing each other away to protect one another from pain, but you only hurt each other more by doing that!”
“Eric!” Camden finally yelled, her anger boiling over. “This is different. I. Am. Dying. Either help me or leave my room. I’m going to do this, whether you like it or not.”
Eric’s eyes filled with sorrow. “Camden, I love you, but if those are your terms, I’m out. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.” Camden could only stare in shock as her closest confidant turned and fled her room. She heard the front door slam, and she suddenly felt very alone.
Moments later, Camden’s bedroom door opened, and Shane poked his head inside the room.
“Everything okay, baby? Eric just stormed out the front door. I was worried you guys had a fight. I know they’re rare, but I thought I’d check.”
Camden shook her head, struggling to find her voice. “Everything’s fine,” she assured Shane, but her voice sounded hollow. Her heart tightened.
“Could you come in here for a minute?” she asked softly.
“Sure,” Shane murmured. He sat on the bed and looked into Camden’s eyes. When he saw her pained expression, he grew worried. “What’s up, baby?”
“I can’t do this anymore,” Camden whispered. Shane’s eyebrows lifted.
“Do what, Sunshine?” He lifted his hand to caress her cheek, but Camden jerked away from him. Shane didn’t know what was happening, and his stomach twisted with uncertainty.
“This, Shane.” Camden motioned between the two of them. “I don’t want to be with you anymore.”
“What?! Where is this coming from?” He was beginning to panic, and Camden struggled not to take him into her arms and tell him to forget what she’d said. Her heart was breaking as she continued her lie.
“I thought I was in love with you, Shane. My crush had been so strong in high school, but the doctors telling me my chances of survival…well, that has made me really look at my life. The last two weeks, you’ve been everywhere, and I’m feeling smothered.”
“I’ll give you space, Camden. Whatever you need.”
“I need you to leave, Shane.”
His eyes grew fiery. “I’m not going anywhere, Camden. I don’t know what is happening with you, but I’m not leaving. We’ll work through it.”
Camden was struggling. Shane was fighting her more than she expected. She decided to tell him the truth…sort of. It was the closest he would get, at least.
“Shane, you tell these stories,
” she exclaimed. “You paint these beautiful pictures of our life together. But the diagnosis made me look at my own mortality and what I see for my future. Whether I live or not, I don’t want to be with you.” She almost choked on the lie, but sprinkled truth back into it. Her eyes brimmed with tears as she continued. “When you paint a picture of that future, I don’t see myself in it. I see a different future for me, and you are not a part of it.”
“What about Lauren?!” His tone was pleading.
“You’ll always be a father to Lauren, Shane, but you and I…you and I will never have a happy ending.” She paused as a tear ran down Shane’s face. “You and I just aren’t meant to be,” she murmured.
Shane grasped her arms, careful not to bruise her. “Camden, what’s going on? This isn’t you talking!”
She wrenched herself from his grip and stood to cross the room. Once she had put distance between them, she spoke the only words left that could make him leave. She didn’t realize that she had found his number one fear, but the impact was just as devastating to his heart as if she had carefully crafted the emotional attack.
“It IS me talking, Shane. I know what I want, and I know what I need. And I don’t need you.”
Shane’s heart shattered into a million pieces and the single tear Camden had seen was joined by an unending trail of others. It took all her strength not to fall to her knees sobbing at the hurt she was causing him or the heartbreak she felt.
“Just leave, Shane,” she whispered.
His beautiful, broken blue gaze met hers, and she felt that she could see into his soul. “I will always love you, Camden Elisabeth Shepherd,” he whispered before stumbling from the room. She heard the front door close, and she realized the loneliness she felt when Eric left her was nothing compared to the loneliness she felt when half her heart and soul walked out the door.
***
Chapter 38
Daphne watched Shane from her dark corner booth in Cam's Bar and Grill. He'd been back in Jackson for an entire week, and she knew something big must have happened. Today was a chemotherapy day for Camden, and he'd never missed one before today. Brody and Javier had gone as the usually did, but the tiny brunette bitch had stayed to help Shane around the bar.
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