‘Are you out of your mind? Do you have any idea how dangerous that shit can be for kids?’
‘I told you, it’s not for me.’
‘I know that. I’m not talking about you. I’m talking about her fucking baby.’
‘What do you mean? Whose baby?’
‘Don’t play dumb, Sam. You know who I mean.’
‘I don’t.’
‘Sam, stop. I know Sarah has sent you out here. It’s not happening.’
‘No she hasn’t. What do you mean about her baby?’
‘I mean it can cause all sorts of problems. That’s why Steve cut her off, mate. He doesn’t want his kid born addicted to that shit, or with fucking defects. I’d do exactly the same thing. And I am sure as shit not going behind his back.’
It took a moment to take in what he was saying.
‘She’s pregnant?’
‘Wait, they didn’t tell you yet? Fuck, mate, I thought you knew. She found out a few weeks ago. Sorry.’
‘What?’
‘Yeah, you’re gonna have a little brother or sister. Well, providing she can do the right fucking thing and stay off the drink and the pills. I warned them when Steve first did his back. I told them that shit is no joke, and now she’s going through it. It’s a nightmare. I never thought she’d actually send you out here, though. Jesus Christ.’
It was quiet in the van, but it was noisy in my head. Everything came at once. I was queasy and I was angry and I was shocked and I was jealous and I was devastated. I wanted to vomit. I was shaking. I was going to be replaced. There was no room for me in her life. They were going to be a family, and I would never be a part of it. She didn’t love me. She didn’t want me. She was ashamed of me. She regretted me. She was going to love this baby more than she ever loved me. I had lost her.
‘You okay?’
I flinched, as though he had woken me up.
‘It’s not for her. It’s for a friend.’
‘Sam, I know that’s bullshit, okay? Stop trying. And even if it was, I’m still not selling you that shit. I’m happy to sort you out with weed or whatever else, but this is fucking different.’
‘You don’t have to worry about me. I just need it. I don’t have the money right now, but I’ll pay whatever you want. Just tell me and I’ll get it for you.’
‘I’m not changing my mind.’
‘I’ll tell the police,’ I said.
I hadn’t planned to say it. It just came out. Whippy twisted in his seat to face me. He looked disgusted.
‘What did you just fucking say?’
‘I’ll tell the police about what you do.’
‘You don’t want to do that.’
‘I will. I’ll do it. I’ll tell them about everything, like all your other businesses and how you clean your money.’
I looked him straight in the eye.
We stared at each other for a moment, then he ran his tongue over his teeth and shook his head.
‘Bullshit.’
‘I will. I don’t care.’
‘Steve said you were a conniving little cunt. I never saw it, but I guess he’s right.’
I was getting desperate. I took the watch off my wrist.
‘I’ll trade you this.’
He took it and inspected it.
‘It’s a fake.’
‘It’s not.’
He frowned and looked more closely.
‘Where did you get this?’
‘I found it.’
‘Oh, I bet you did.’
He typed something on his phone and scrolled. He looked at the screen, then the watch, then the screen, then at me, then back to the screen. Then he put the watch in his pocket and got out of the van. I stayed in the front and waited.
A few seconds later he opened the back door and got inside. He rummaged around the stacks of parcels and boxes, then I heard him unzip a bag.
The back door slammed shut and he came back to the front and got into the driver’s seat. He tossed a small box at me. It was Fentanyl.
‘Thank you,’ I said.
‘That’s it. No more. We don’t speak again. I walk into a room, you leave it. And you tell your mother if she ever tries this shit again she had better think twice about swallowing anything I give her, because I don’t give a fuck if that bitch lives or dies. And if you ever think about opening your mouth about me to anyone, I’ll fuck you up worse than Steve ever did.’
‘I’m not scared of you.’
‘That’s because we’ve never been properly introduced. I’ve been polite out of loyalty to my mate, but if you threaten me again, you’ll find out what I’m about. Now get the fuck out of my van.’
I got out, and before I could close the door Whippy was revving the van loudly. He drove away fast. Once he was down the street, I ran in the other direction. I turned down an alley next to a Korean restaurant and hid behind a skip bin.
From my pocket I took out the wallet that I had stolen from his glovebox while he was in the back of the van. There was five hundred and eighty dollars in there. I took out the money and dropped the wallet in the bin.
Then I opened the box of pills. They were small and white and in two silver sheets. There were twelve in the pack.
It was enough for both of us.
I walked back to the main road and waved down a taxi. When I got in the back seat I showed the driver all the money I had. He drove me to the hospital.
I remembered the way to the respiratory ward. I checked the corridors in case I saw Peter. I found Vic’s room and I went inside, but Vic wasn’t in the bed. Instead there was an old lady eating jelly from a cup and watching television.
I backed out of the room. My chest started to tighten again. I worried that Vic had died here alone during the night and I had let him down. I checked every room in the ward, but I couldn’t find him anywhere.
There was a lady sitting at a desk in front of the office I had sat in with Peter. I asked where Vic was and she opened a drawer and pulled out a file.
‘He was discharged two hours ago.’
‘How did he get home? Is he okay?’
‘I’m not sure, I think … one moment, is your name Sam?’
‘Why?’
‘There’s a note here addressed to Sam. Is it you?’
I nodded.
She gave me the sheet of paper. It was a handwritten letter.
Sam,
I came in early as I promised. Vic opted not to take the advice of his doctor and requested to be discharged. He has no next of kin, so I am taking him home. I’ll get him settled and I’ll stay with him until my shift starts at three. I’m sure he could do with a friend.
Peter x
I looked at my wrist to check the time, then I remembered I didn’t have my watch anymore. I got my phone out, and the box of Fentanyl fell out of my pocket. I quickly squatted down to pick it up.
It was two-thirty. I stuffed the note and the box and my phone in my pocket and I left.
I took a taxi to Vic’s house.
There was no car in the driveway. I looked around before I got out of the taxi to make sure nobody was watching.
The front door was unlocked.
It was dark inside the house. It smelled familiar.
‘Vic? I’m here. Vic?’
I found him in the spare room. Two boxes of medication and a glass of water were on a chair near the bed. He was propped up on a couple of pillows and his legs were covered by a tartan fleece blanket. His breathing was raspy and his eyes were closed. The first time I had met him he was so big and powerful that he could lift me easily. He didn’t look like the same person.
I rushed over and kneeled down beside him.
‘Vic, I’m here.’
He opened his eyes, turned to me and smiled.
‘Hello mate.’
He closed his eyes again. He didn’t look afraid anymore.
I sat with him for a while, listening to him breathing.
‘I think Peter left medicine for you,’
I said.
Vic shook his head.
‘I don’t want it, mate.’
‘Okay.’
I sat for a while longer. I was fighting with myself. I didn’t want to say it, but at last I did.
‘Vic,’ I whispered, ‘I have something.’
My hands were shaking. I took the box of Fentanyl out of my pocket and gave it to him.
‘They give it to people who are in lots of pain, but if you have too much it kills you. I read about it. They say that it doesn’t hurt. It’s like going to sleep and never waking up. Like you wanted.’
He looked at me and he started to tear up.
‘Is that true?’
‘I think so. I read it.’
He held the box and squinted at it. Then he closed his eyes and breathed in as deep as he could.
‘Vic? Is it really what you want?’
He opened his eyes and he nodded.
‘Yes. I’ve wanted it for a very long time.’
‘Are you sure?’ I asked.
‘I am.’
Vic opened the box. I put my hand over his.
‘Wait, Vic. It shouldn’t be in here.’
He thought about it. Then he nodded.
I helped him stand up and he clung to me. There was so much less of him.
‘You got bigger,’ he said.
I took the glass of water and Vic held the box. We shuffled out of the room and down the hallway. Vic opened the door to his bedroom. It was just as I left it. He stood in the doorway and looked around.
‘Are you okay?’ I asked.
Vic didn’t answer. He stepped into the room without my help. He opened Edie’s wardrobe and went through her clothes. Then he took one of her white nightgowns off a hanger. He held it to his face and he breathed it in.
Then he leaned over and laid it out flat on Edie’s side of the bed. He handled the fabric delicately, like she was inside it. He sat on his side of the bed and he looked across to hers. There was a lump in my throat so big I couldn’t swallow.
Vic looked up and beckoned me in. His eyes were wet.
I sat on the stool beside Edie’s vanity table.
‘Have you been alright?’ he asked me.
I shrugged. It was hard to speak.
Vic smiled.
‘I think you foxed those coppers,’ he said.
‘They didn’t ask you about the bank either?’
‘Not once.’
He laughed to himself, but it made him cough. It was awful to hear it.
‘I know why you did it,’ he said. ‘You stuck your neck out for me like nobody ever did. But promise me you won’t do anything that stupid again.’
‘I fixed a motorbike all on my own,’ I said.
‘Oh yeah?’
‘The air filter was blocked. I got it working. Like you showed me.’
He nodded and smiled, and I hoped he was proud.
Vic lay down. I pulled the stool closer to him and put the glass of water on the nightstand next to the white box. We were quiet for a long time.
‘She’s here,’ he said quietly. ‘Feels like she’s here. She would have loved you.’
‘Vic, I have to tell you something. I read Edie’s diaries. I read all of them. I’m sorry.’
Vic closed his eyes and smiled.
‘I didn’t know you kept a diary.’
At first I thought he hadn’t heard me properly, but then I realised he was talking to her out loud.
‘Yes,’ I said. ‘For like, twenty years. You didn’t know? They’re all in suitcases in the wardrobe.’
‘Last place I’d look. I hope you weren’t too rough on me, love.’ It really did feel like she was here. There was a strange tingling on my neck, like someone was blowing on it. My mouth went tight.
‘She loved you,’ I whispered. ‘She said you were her favourite person in the world. She said you were a rock of a man. She said that all the time. You were a rock. There wasn’t a day in her life she didn’t love you.’
Vic’s eyes were still closed. He shook his head slowly.
‘I should have told you more. I should have told you every day. I didn’t put things into words as much as I should’ve. Tried to tell you in different ways, I suppose. But I know you wanted to hear it. And I’m sorry for that. You were more than love. You were my life. I wish I said it more.’
I held Vic’s hand. He squeezed it back.
‘She knew,’ I said. ‘She knew it.’
We sat together for a long time without talking.
Then Vic opened his eyes.
‘I’m ready,’ he said.
I felt dread when he said that. It got noisy in my head, but Vic was so calm. He took the two silver sheets out of the box and sat up a bit.
‘How many?’ he asked.
‘I think six will be enough.’
He popped the pills out of one sheet and put them next to the water. His hands were steady. I picked up the other sheet.
‘Vic, I want to go with you,’ I whispered. ‘I want to go together.’
He took the pills from my hand and he shook his head.
‘No,’ he said. ‘No. No. Not you. Not you. I’ve lived my life. I have lived it. A lot of it was hard, especially the last ten years, but it was worth it, because it came to this. I was supposed to meet you. I was supposed to have you in my life. I never had money. I couldn’t have kids. I never amounted to much. But I want to leave some hope for you. Don’t give up. Don’t give up, Sam. Sometimes it feels like there’s no fixing it, but you got to give it a rip, mate. You got to give it a fighting chance. Find out who you are, and live that life.’
‘I can’t, Vic. I can’t ever do it.’
He reached out and grabbed my shoulder firmly.
‘You can. You can find a way. You have to. You have to.’
I had never seen him like this. I could see veins on his forehead and his eyes were wide. He was staring at me.
‘You’ve got to make it,’ he said. ‘You’ve got to make it—for me.’
He pulled himself up further and starting speaking faster and louder.
‘You don’t understand, Sam. Listen to me now. Reuben Martin, the kid with the glasses, he stayed with the patrol. Glued to them, he was that frightened. It was me. It was me who came off the back. Just me. I was on my own mate. I was lost. I couldn’t find a way out. I was on my own and I was terrified. And I saw … I saw through the trees … Sam, I shot that poor girl. I killed her. I killed her. Just a girl. Just a girl your age. And I killed her. I tried to save her, but she was gone. I couldn’t save her. And I ran. I didn’t bury her. I ran away. Her blood all over me. The patrol heard the shot and they found me. I lied. I told them I killed a lookout. They gave me a medal. I threw it away. Nobody ever knew. Nobody ever knew.’
Vic put his hands over his face and he started to sob.
I reached out and hugged him and he gripped me and held me tight.
‘Edie, I’m sorry. Edie, Edie, I’m sorry. It’s my fault. It poisoned me. Edie, I’m sorry.’
I didn’t know what to say.
Vic pulled back and held my face between his hands. His eyes were red.
‘I met you for a reason. Sam, please. I couldn’t save her. Help me go in peace. But not you. Promise me. Please. Promise me you’ll make it.’
My lips were trembling and it was hard to talk.
‘It’s hard, Vic. It’s so hard. You don’t know. You don’t know what it’s like.’
‘Promise you will try for me.’
‘I’ll try,’ I said, because I wanted Vic to feel better. ‘I promise.’
He looked at me, then he nodded and lay back down.
‘Thank you. Thank you, Sam.’
I sat with him in silence again. The sun was setting outside. Orange light came into the room through the gap in the curtains.
‘There’s a pencil and a pad next to the phone,’ Vic said. ‘Can you get them for me?’
I went down the hall and got them and brought them back to Vic.
He flipped the pad to a fresh page. He wrote on it, then he tore the page loose and gave it to me.
I read it.
I am choosing to end my life.
It was signed and dated.
I put the sheet of paper on the nightstand, and I saw that the glass of water was empty and the pills next to it were gone. Then I saw that he had taken the pills from both silver sheets. He had swallowed them all.
I started to cry.
‘It’s alright, mate,’ Vic said. ‘It’s alright.’
‘I don’t want you to die.’
‘It’s time. It’s time.’
He reached out and took my hand.
‘I’m scared,’ I said.
He smiled. His eyes were bright again.
‘Don’t be scared,’ he whispered to me. ‘This is right. It’s the right thing. It’s what I want. You’re a beautiful kid. You’re going to have a big life. You’re going to see the world. Be who you want to be. You’ll see.’
‘I’ll try.’
‘You saved me,’ he said.
‘I love you, Vic.’
‘I love you too, mate.’
He grimaced and lay back. He closed his eyes. I squeezed his hand.
Vic put his other hand on Edie’s nightgown.
‘She’s here,’ he whispered. ‘She’s here. She’s beautiful.’
I couldn’t watch him. I put my head down and closed my eyes tight and held Vic’s hand for a long time.
Then suddenly he tensed up and squeezed my hand hard. He made very small, fast gasps. Then he let out a long breath, but when he tried to breathe in again he couldn’t. He twisted and his back arched, like he was being grabbed by the collar and lifted off the bed by his chest. His struggle seemed far away, like it wasn’t happening in the room, like it was deep inside him. His eyes were closed. His expression didn’t change. It looked like he was having a bad dream. He had Edie’s white gown in his fist. He made small desperate gurgling sounds and there was a thin creamy foam coming from his mouth.
‘Vic? Vic? Vic?’
But he couldn’t hear me. I couldn’t do anything but watch and hold his hand. I kneeled next to the bed and held him down, like I was keeping him here, like I was stopping him from being lifted up. He bucked and he thrashed and he made awful noises. I was frightened and I was sobbing. I bowed my head because I couldn’t watch anymore.
Honeybee Page 22