by Pat Pattison
STAN SWINIARSKI
The land of the smokers’ last revenge
Lights flash, bells are ringing
Like a siren that calls my last dime to its death
Let me hear that temptress singing
My arm’s getting weary with every pull
Buttons have no hold on me
The lights flash and give me its promising thrill
I will have my victory
Blue-hairs and blue-collars standing in line
Hoping for a loose machine
I gallantly give up my space this time, so
Someone else could live this dream
SUSAN CATTANEO
She’s parked at the one armed bandit
Her quarters in a plastic cup
Sipping her fifth gin and tonic
Hoping for lady luck
Her hair’s a hornet’s nest of blue
Eyes rheumy with the smoke
She’s humming a dirty little tune
A cross gleaming at her throat
The jangle of the coins is heaven falling
And silence is hell on earth
She lives for the thrill that fortune’s calling
Her winnings define her worth
The carousel music enfolds her
She’s drunk on neon light
This jackpot hope will hold her
Till day runs into night
Both of these take me to the casino. I especially like Stan’s use of the organic (body) sense: “My arm’s getting weary with every pull.” Note also the consonance rhyme pull/thrill. Susan’s bandit/tonic is interesting—dit/ic is a weak syllable family rhyme, and ban/ton is a consonance rhyme. They also match shapes, moving stressed to unstressed.
You try.
5 minutes: Deep-Sea Diver
ADRIANA DUARTE
You’re a lonely deep sea diver
Always wanting more
Just another tipsy driver
Serve another pour
CHANELLE DAVIS
My flashlight is a lonely moon
Shining in the dark
The ocean sings a silent tune
A night without its stars
Maybe they are buried here
Somewhere in the sand
Slow your breathing, lose the fear
Underwater man
I love Adriana’s metaphor: a drunk, diving deep into a sea of alcohol. In second person, Chanelle puts you immediately underwater with “my flashlight is a lonely moon.” Metaphors abound. Her last two lines are commands, turning first person into second person—making it feel like he’s talking to himself.
Your turn.
DAY #11
TETRAMETER AND PENTAMETER
Today you’ll work in an extended form, in six-line units rhyming aabccb, with tetrameter couplets and pentameter following lines.
As you’ve already seen, tetrameter couplets subdivide into units of two, creating an unrelenting march of the smallest sections possible. This time, create a section that doesn’t end until the final line. It’ll feel better; more interesting.
Start here:
Tumbling and tumbling, boulders and rocks
Fallen away from the red mountain top
But now try throwing the tetrameter couplet off balance by inserting a five-stress (pentameter) line:
Tumbling and tumbling, boulders and rocks 4-stress
Fallen away from the red mountain top 4-stress
Dúst on the hórses, spréading all óver the town 5-stress
You can feel the IOU. The five-stress pentameter line creates a push forward, not only because it creates an odd number of lines, but because it doesn’t rhyme either. Now add another tetrameter couplet:
Tumbling and tumbling, boulders and rocks
Fallen away from the red mountain top
Dust on the horses, spreading all over the town
Color of blood, the color of pain
Some of these children won’t breathe again
You can feel the urgency. The structure is asking you to match line line 3, both in length (pentameter) and rhyme.
Like this:
Tumbling and tumbling, boulders and rocks
Fallen away from the red mountain top
Dust on the horses, spreading all over the town
Color of blood, the color of pain
Some of these children won’t breathe again
Dúst like a ghóst cloud swírling and púlling you dówn
Of course, there are rhyme variations possible. What if the tetrameter lines didn’t rhyme?
Tumbling and tumbling, boulders and shale
Fallen away from the red mountain top
Dust on the horses, spreading all over the town
Color of blood, the color of soot
Some of these children won’t breathe again
Dust like a ghost cloud swirling and pulling you down
Now the structure feels more relaxed. The push forward is milder, generated only by line length, since the first rhyme doesn’t occur until the very last syllable.
Today you’ll rhyme your ten-minute piece aabccb, and your five-minute piece xxaxxa, following the model:
Tetrameter a
Tetrameter a
Pentameter b
Tetrameter c
Tetrameter c
Pentameter b
Keep your writing sense-bound, and keep your eyes open for metaphor. As usual, set a timer and respond to the following prompts for exactly the time allotted. Use the whole time, whether or not you complete your final section. Don’t panic. It’ll be challenging, but fun.
Sight Sound Taste Touch Smell Body Motion
10 minutes: War Zone (aabccb)
SUSAN CATTANEO
Ravaged concrete lies in rubble
Sirens screaming, the town’s in trouble
Airplanes buzz like gnats through open skies
Duck and cover, hide your fear
Soldiers march, the tanks are near
Creeping over the pitted land like flies
Bombs sing through smoke and air
Dropping death with utmost care
The beast of war is here and on the prowl
Savage talons tear and claw
Wings of steel, a gaping maw
The fearful earth shudders as it howls
ROB GILES
Black and white pictures, darkening blood
Piles of mothers and babies in mud
Prints, they float like bodies face up in the fixer
CNN news crews laugh by their tents
Meters away, the dead broken and bent
Ghosts from a war zone crying thru 8x10 pictures
Note how Rob uses his cc lines to shift the focus to the reporters. It’s an effective use of form that takes advantage of the change in rhyme sound to support the change in perspective. Susan does the same thing in lines 4 and 5, introducing a command to shift the tone at the same time the new rhyme sound appears. Form is a road map. It tells you where to go.
There are effective metaphor and simile in each one, too, as well as provocative sense-bound language.
Note how much content their rhymes contain:
Rubble Blood
Trouble Mud
Skies Fixer
Fear Tents
Near Bent
Flies Pictures
Air
Care
Prowl
Claw
Maw
Howls
You get so much of the story just from the rhyme positions! The rhyming positions are in the spotlights. Use them. (See my Essential Guide to Rhyming on this point.)
Try it out.
5 minutes: Wildflowers (xxaxxa)
CHANELLE DAVIS
Wildflowers growing in the neighbour’s field
Cupcake sprinkles in the summer green
Bees hover and roll in their sticky pollen
Jump the fence to pick a few
Bunch them up in my old shirt
<
br /> Quickly home before they know I stole ’em
SUSAN CATTANEO
Clover droops its purple head
Daisies dancing in the breeze
Clouds are skipping through an ocean sky
The meadow dappled emerald green
Bees hover like helicopters
Summer gives a small contented sigh
Whatever motion there is comes from line lengths matching and unmatching, not from rhyme. These sections feel like they float with only rhythm driving the bus, since we don’t hear a rhyme until the end. It seems appropriate for the dreamy subject, wildflowers. Chanelle’s consonance rhyme pollen/stole ’em refuses to close the dreaming down. Even Susan’s perfect rhyme just barely gets the screen door closed. Both create wonderful pictures and buttress them with metaphor.
Again, note how much of the story is told from the end-line positions.
Your turn.
DAY #12
COMMON METER
AND PENTAMETER
One thing you’ll notice about rhyming aabccb: The couplets still produce a stop sign, especially the first couplet (aa). Rather than letting your section subdivide at the end of line 2, try creating a section that doesn’t end until the final line.
Start with the two unequal first lines of common meter:
Tumbling and tumbling, boulders and rocks
The color of blood and pain
Now, instead of continuing the common meter, insert a pentameter line:
Tumbling and tumbling, boulders and rocks
The color of blood and pain
Dust on the horses, spreading all over the town
Though there are no rhymes (yet), you can feel the instability and the need to keep moving forward. Try a tetrameter line, rhyming with line 1:
STRESSES RHYME SCHEME
Tumbling and tumbling, boulders and rocks 4 a
The color of blood and pain 3 b
Dust on the horses, spreading all over the town 5 c
Fallen away from the red mountaintop 4 a
You’ve matched line 1, so now you’ve raised expectations that the sequence will continue, will push forward:
STRESSES RHYME SCHEME
Tumbling and tumbling, boulders and rocks 4 a
The color of blood and pain 3 b
Dust on the horses, spreading all over the town 5 c
Fallen away from the red mountaintop 4 a
On children who won’t breathe again 3 b
Now you’ve got to complete the series:
STRESSES RHYME SCHEME
Tumbling and tumbling, boulders and rocks 4 a
The color of blood and pain 3 b
Dust on the horses, spreading all over the town 5 c
Fallen away from the red mountaintop 4 a
On children who won’t breathe again 3 b
Dust like a ghost cloud swirling and pulling them down 5 c
Again, you have options with the rhyme scheme. Here are two, the first, unrhyming lines 1, 2, 4, and 5 to create an xxaxxa rhyme scheme:
STRESSES RHYME SCHEME
Tumbling and tumbling, boulders and rocks 4 x
The color of blood and shale 3 x
Dust on the horses, spreading all over the town 5 a
Fallen away from the red mountainside 4 x
On children who won’t breathe again 3 x
Dust like a ghost cloud swirling and pulling them down 5 a
Now the long third and sixth pentameter lines provide the main glue, creating a six-line section that keeps moving all the way to the end.
Of course, you can use more rhymes, too. You can rhyme the second and fourth common meter lines, creating an xabxab rhyme scheme:
STRESSES RHYME SCHEME
Tumbling and tumbling, boulders and rocks 4 x
The color of blood and pain 3 a
Dust on the horses, spreading all over the town 5 b
Fallen away from the red mountainside 4 x
On children who won’t breathe again 3 a
Dust like a ghost cloud swirling and pulling them down 5 b
I like options. They allow you to match the mood of the section—tight or loose.
Today you’ll work with common meter and pentameter, creating six-line sections that move forward until the end.
Keep your writing sense-bound, and keep your eyes open for metaphor. As usual, set a timer and respond to the following prompts for exactly the time allotted. Use the whole time, whether or not you complete your final section.
Rhyme your ten-minute piece abcabc, and your five-minute piece xxaxxa.
Sight Sound Taste Touch Smell Body Motion
10 minutes: Morning Walk (abcabc)
STAN SWINIARSKI
Sneakers that patter on fresh morning sidewalks
The rhythm starts the day
Smells of wet grass, sprinklers wetting the greens
Peaceful as dreaming, the morning bird’s talks
Lead me on my way
Feeling the sky’s welcoming yawn to me
Ladies pass by with their gossip and iPods
The colors that I see
Bright-colored sweatsuits in their full morning bloom
Men in their khakis being led by their dogs
Greeting every tree
They will be off to their workday very soon
ANDREA STOLPE
Walking alone down the matted path
I weave a trail through the wood
Listening closely to the sound of my breath, exhaling
Bundled and warm in a fleece jacket
I gently untie my hood
As the sweet scent of poplars takes me away, sailing
As opposed to yesterday’s tetrameter/pentameter pieces, see how the shorter second line pushes forward without the help of rhyme. If fact, you don’t hear the first rhyme until the end of line 4. In Andrea’s piece, path/jacket is a partial rhyme—only the stressed syllables (path/jack) rhyme while an unstressed syllable (et) hangs over.
Both pieces take you on a nice walk with their sense-bound language.
Now, you do it.
5 minutes: Traffic Cop (xxaxxa)
SUSAN CATTANEO
At the intersection of Bow and First
He’s Moses parting seas
A prophet of the asphalt, shining black with tar
In orange vest and polished boots
He preens and strikes a pose
His hand conducts a symphony of cars
CHANELLE DAVIS
He waves his arms left and right
Blasts his whistle and frowns
The morning traffic slowly stops and starts
Each car like a drop of blood
Pumped down the plastic tube
Into the city, into its beating heart
Even without rhymes in the tetrameter and trimeter lines, the line lengths push forward pretty strongly. For a deeper look, see chapter sixteen, “Understanding Motion,” in Writing Better Lyrics. It’s true, however, that without the xxaxxa rhyme scheme relaxes the forward push.
Check out the metaphors in Susan’s piece, and the simile in Chanelle’s.
Your turn.
DAY #13
COMMON METER
AND PENTAMETER
Again today you’ll work with common meter and pentameter, creating six-line sections that move forward until the end.
Keep your writing sense-bound, and keep your eyes open for metaphor. As usual, set a timer and respond to the following prompts for exactly the time allotted. Use the whole time, whether or not you complete your final section.
Rhyme your ten-minute piece abcabc, and your five-minute piece xabxab.
Sight Sound Taste Touch Smell Body Motion
10 minutes: Trash Collector (abcabc)
STAN SWINIARSKI
Rancid old salads and musty wine bottles
He don’t mind the stuff
He’s got a pension that many folks would kill for
Waterlogged cans weigh him down as he toddle
s
Toward the waiting truck
Just ten more years and he’s heading for the shore
Some yearn for pride and some work for status
That don’t light his fire
He’s got two kids in college, doing well
The flies buzz and they swarm but it doesn’t matter
’Cause time is on his side
In the end he knows his time will tell
Being a surgeon was not in the cards
He puts his family first
Seeing them happy quenches this man’s thirst
Some folks may say that his life is too hard
Covered in grime and dirt
But this man know’s what it all is worth
SUSAN CATTANEO
Rumbling, lumbering down the street
Brakes squealing loud
A metal armored tank that’s stuffed with trash
Smelling, sweltering, summer heat
Gunk, rancid and foul
Dripping on the asphalt like a rash
Bottles, cans, jelly jars
Newspapers stacked like towers
Last night’s chicken bones and totems
A headless doll, crayon-scarred
A torn skirt of flowers
A letter swearing promises now broken
Everybody’s got their secrets
Toss them in the can
Neighbors hide behind their shuttered shades
It can’t be fixed, so just don’t keep it
Hearts and hope be damned
Throw them out and watch the memories fade
In Stan’s third stanza, notice how the duplication of the rhyme sounds first/thirst/dirt/worth works against the motion created by the line lengths, somewhat confusing the issue with conflicting road signs.
I like Stan’s portrait of the trash collector and Susan’s lists, especially: “A torn skirt of flowers” and “A letter swearing promises now broken.”
Both pieces use sense-bound language effectively, provoking images of the weekly trash collection. I can hear the garbage truck coming.
Your turn.
5 minutes: Mowing the Lawn (xabxab)
CHANELLE DAVIS
Up and down my little lawn
I push for even lines
In my tight black singlet, cut-off denim jeans
A deafening buzz fills the air
Snowfreeze clouds melt in the sky
Slashing through the clumps of luscious green
SUSAN CATTANEO
His broad, brown back is stooped
A war of work in his eyes
Fighting the mower with taut and angled shoulders
Carving green in pretty rows
Perfectly aligned
Machine machete, fallen green soldiers