by Vera Quinn
“I’m talking to Susan today about getting you in to see a doctor. Whether you want to face it or not, there is a problem, and if you would just take the damn pregnancy test it might relieve some of the worry. It’s not the end of the world if you are pregnant, but if this is something else it needs to be found. I can’t lose you.” I look at Faith and I see the worry. I know if she was in this situation I would be worried out of my mind. She’s right. I just need to be an adult about this and face my fears.
“I’ll take the pregnancy test we have here and go from there. I am sorry I worried you. I have been trying to hide my head in the clouds and it stops now.” I get up and walk to the sink and bend down and take the bag that has the pregnancy tests. I place the bag on top of the cabinet and only then do I look at myself in the mirror. I look tired. I grab my toothbrush and hope this works better than it did yesterday. Yesterday I brushed my teeth three times before I quit getting sick, something about the taste of the toothpaste set me off. I brush my teeth with no reoccurrence of nausea. Faith is sitting on the side of the tub watching me. I take the two pregnancy tests out of the bag and throw the bag away. I hand one of the tests to Faith. Her eyes bug out. “If I do this, then you are helping, so read that one and tell me what I need to do, it’s not like I have ever seen one of these things before.” Faith shakes her head yes and then turns the box over and starts reading, I do the same with the other one. Seems simple. I look at Faith and wait for her answer.
“This one is a digital one and it takes three minutes and the pregnant or not pregnant will show. You just need to take care of your part.” Faith gives me a weak smile.
“This one is two minutes and a plus sign or straight line. Out you go Sis, I think the next part is all on me.” Faith gets up and hands me the box she is holding.
“You sure you don’t want me to stay.” I want to laugh. She has such a mother hen look on her face.
“I have been going potty all by myself for years now.” I laugh trying to lessen the tension. “Just go in the bedroom and wait. I’ll come out as soon as I get these things done, then you can hold my hand for whatever the outcome is.” Faith gets up and walks to the door and looks back at me. I know this can change my life, and Faith’s. I have known from the night that Brody and I were together that there was a possibility that I could be pregnant, and in the back of my mind I have thought about it. Who am I kidding, it has plagued my thoughts. Now to face the fear. I take care of the process, so I can get the answer I need. I wash my hands and walk out of the bathroom into the bedroom and I go over and sit on the bed. It seems like it’s taking forever. Faith and I don’t say a word. I hand one test to Faith. The seconds tick by. I look at my test and there is a plus sign. I take a deep breath and it feels like my world is tilting. I feel the tears slide down my face and I don’t know if they are sad tears or happy tears. I’m pregnant. I will always have a small part of Brody with me and then my mind goes crazy with the thought of letting him know. Can I do that? Or is it best to just leave it the way it is? I feel Faith tense up beside me. Faith looks at me and our eyes meet, and I see she has tears in her eyes, but she has a smile on her face.
“I’m going to be an aunt and you are going to be an amazing mom.” I hand her the test in my hand and she hands me the one that she is holding. I look at the word, pregnant. I am going to be a mom. I have a little life inside me growing, half me and half Brody. I know I told Brody that I wouldn’t contact him, but I need to find a way to let him know he is going to be a father. He has a right to know but would he try to take my child away from me. Of course, he wouldn’t. His solution was to take the morning-after pill. My mind is muddled again. I have time to figure this out, I just need to get dressed and get to work. “I am going to find out what we need to do for you to see a doctor. I am also going to download books about being pregnant. Neither of us has any experience with pregnancy. Knowledge about this subject can be useful.” I laugh. I don’t know if it’s all tension or hysterics, but I can’t stop the laughter and then it turns to tears. How did life become so difficult? How can I deal with anymore? Faith and I have never had your typical family or even lifestyle, but we had what we called normal and then my pop traded me to a motorcycle club and turned everything upside down. I get used to one thing and everything is turned upside down again. I can’t get my footing. I just need to catch a break. The tears finally stop, and Faith is looking at me like she doesn’t know what to do.
“It’s alright Faith, I think I just needed to let off a little pressure and the laughter and the tears helped. Now I’m going to get dressed and get to work.” I am determined to get back to life as usual, or as best I can.
“Do you really think all those fumes are good for the baby? Don’t you need to take that into account. I am sure Paul and Bubba can get you another place to work, plus all the lifting you do and the hours on your feet.” I guess this might take a little bit to adapt to. Faith is only seventeen, but her mind is working better than mine right now. “I may have googled a few things.”
“Plan B then, I’ll call Bubba and tell him I need today off to see a doctor and then call Susan, so she can get me an appointment. Bubba has heard me getting sick in the restroom at the shop, so it shouldn’t be a surprise, plus today is Friday and we’re only open half a day. Then I will make a list of questions to ask the doctor. I’m not telling Bubba anything yet, but if Susan asks, then I’ll tell her. I’ll tell Bubba, Paul, and Uncle Hem after the doctor appointment.” That’s all I have. It’s a start.
“I’ll go to the office and get my paperwork done and put everything in the computer, so I can go with you.” Faith is showing me her support and she just doesn’t know how important it is to me.
“Sounds like Plan B is ready to go.” I try to sound cheerful.
“You want me to make you some breakfast before I go?” I know Faith is trying to be helpful.
“No, thank you. If I eat anything now I’ll be running back to the toilet. I’ll grab a granola bar when I feel better. You do what you need to do, and I’ll make my phone calls. Don’t worry, I am fine.” I don’t want Faith’s mind as muddled as mine is. I hear Faith walking into the bathroom and it isn’t long before I hear the shower start. I call Bubba and leave a message on his cell phone and then both his house phone and the shop phone. I decide to go ahead and text him as well and then I look at the clock. It’s early but I know that Susan gets up at five every morning and it is after six, so I go ahead and call her. She picks on the second ring.
Susan: “Hello, is everything alright? You have never called me this early. Are you feeling sick again?”
Me: “Good morning to you too. I do need a doctor appointment for today, but if you will, please, would you keep this between us until after the appointment? I don’t want to worry anyone for nothing.”
Susan: “I don’t like keeping things from Paul and if you’re sick, he would only want to help. I don’t know if I’m comfortable with this or not.”
Me: “I am not asking you to lie. You know what never mind, I just didn’t want anyone worrying about me. If you think that this is something you need to share, then do. I would never want to cause a problem. If you can give me the number I can call for myself. I just didn’t get the doctor’s number that Faith went to. I’ll just ask her for it.”
Susan: “I didn’t mean for that to come out catty. I just haven’t had enough caffeine yet and you know I don’t mind helping you. I won’t lie to Paul, but if he doesn’t ask then I won’t tell. I don’t think that you need to see a regular doctor. Don’t you need to see an ob-gyn?”
Me: “Why would you ask that?”
Susan: “Are you denying it? Come on, I am your friend just let me in, so I can be a better friend. We just want to help, and it’s no secret how sick you have been in the mornings, just the mornings. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to put two and two together.”
Me: “Alright, yes, I need to see a doctor to find out if I am pregnant. I do trust all of you
, but it’s hard after the things that have happened. I am sorry, I know this sounds like I am ungrateful, but nothing could be further from the truth. I have been denying the possibility and today Faith kicked me in the butt to find an answer.”
Susan: “About damn time, I thought I was going to need to do it, but I think Bubba was ready to sit you down and talk to you. I’ll get the doctor appointment for you and then text you the time and place. Do you need me to go with you? I will gladly do it.”
Me: “Thank you, Susan, for all your help but Faith is getting her work done early so she can go with me. I don’t want to pull you both away from work and Faith is determined to go with me. I did take two home pregnancy tests this morning and they were both positive.
Susan: “You are welcome, sweetie. Don’t overwhelm yourself. One step at a time. I need to go, Paul is yelling at me. Later.”
Me: “Alright, goodbye.”
Before I can get the words out she has already disconnected the call. I thought once I was forced to share this with someone else that I would be tied up in knots, but I am not. I feel bad for not asking for help earlier. Everyone has been worried about me. That is not cool with me to let others worry on my behalf. It seems like everyone already figured this out before I would face the facts. I get up off the bed and gather my clothes and go the bathroom to take a shower. I look at the clock and I know Bubba will be texting or calling before long. He’s never late for work and it is seven-fifteen. We open at seven-thirty, so he will be getting my messages soon. Some mornings he goes on long runs and he keeps his phone on silent until he is ready for work.
I get in the shower and take care of my business. I feel much better. The nausea has subsided, and the hot shower relaxed my muscles. I dry off after the shower and then brush my teeth one more time. I dress, moisturize my face, brush my hair out and dry it. I don’t wear makeup except on special occasions, so I am ready to go. I open the door of the bathroom and walk back into the bedroom. I go to check my phone and there are three messages waiting for me. I listen to all three; first one is Bubba letting me know the shop will be fine without me today and to let him know what I find out, the second is Susan letting me know the time of my appointment and address, and the last one is from Faith letting me know she is ready when I am. She’s just staying in the office until it’s time to leave. I put the phone in my purse along with my gun, I never leave home without it, and some extra cash out of our stash. I turn and leave the room and go to the kitchen and grab a couple of waters and a few granola bars, I stuff them in my purse. I look around at the apartment and I feel at home and safe. I wish I could bottle that feeling up. I would have tried if I had known what was right around the corner for us. If I had known that our days in this apartment was numbered. I feel a shiver go up my spine, but I think I am being ridiculous. What is that old saying, I feel like a ghost just stepped over my grave. I turn and leave the apartment and go to find Faith.
It doesn’t take long for Faith to get her things together and for us to get to the jeep. Bubba helped me install a GPS system and then instructed me on how to use it. I still mess up sometimes, but it has been a lifesaver. If I didn’t have it, then there would be no way that I could get around Dallas and Ft. Worth. These cities are huge compared to the small town we grew up near and I was not experienced at driving there. I have learned to do what I must to get around this monstrous place. I think all the people, close living, and the traffic has been the hardest to adapt to. Faith turns the radio on and I know she is trying to keep me calm. She knows not to talk to me while I am driving. I might have experienced road rage once or twice. I see my exit and get in the lane to take it. Fortunately, the office building the doctor is in, is not far. I know I am going to be made to park in a parking garage. I hate these damn things. They are right out of a horror movie. The ones where it’s busy until you park and then everyone disappears and all you can hear is the bottom of your shoe hitting on the concrete and you see shadows on every wall. I always hold my breath until I get in the elevator and the doors close. I think Faith and I have binge watched every horror movie made since we moved here. We don’t want to splurge on cable so we either go to the store and buy used movies or go to the library and check them out. Both have limited movies and it seems horror is one of the most popular. Why we can’t find a rom/com is beyond me. It was seldom we were able to watch anything but family movies or cartoons at home, so we are seeing another side of life this way, but it doesn’t need to scare me so much. I park and get out of the jeep and Faith meets me on my side. We look around for signs and finally see the elevator sign.
“There it is.” Faith tells me. I think we noticed it about the same time. “Are you nervous?” We walk towards the elevator.
“I thought I would be and I was to begin with, but I think I have caught my second wind and I am just ready to get it over with.” I tell Faith honestly. “I just want to get on with my life. I have accepted what the pregnancy tests have told me. I’m excited about being pregnant. I want you to know Faith that I understand if you don’t want to be a part of this. I’m not married or even in a relationship and people frown on unwed mothers. I don’t want to embarrass you.” I didn’t realize how worried I was about that part until I said it out loud.
“Have you bumped your head. Of course, you don’t embarrass me, and I am excited about being an aunt. You and I are going to get through this together and then we are going to raise my niece or nephew together. It may not be easy, and we may need to google everything, but we will love and protect this child together. Sisters together, going through ups and downs of life. One day it will be my time.” Faith smiles but I think she realizes what she has said. “Many years in the future, very many years. Besides we are in the modern world where single women have babies all the time, every day. You don’t need a husband or a man in your life to be able to raise your child in a happy home. You do need to reconsider your choice of contacting this Brody guy, but I will stand beside you with any choice you make. He deserves to know, but I’m not the one who will be living with that decision and that’s the last time I will give you my opinion on the matter.” We make it to the elevator and I hit the call button to get the doors to open.
“I have heard your opinion and I have thought about it and I am going to contact Kaden. There is a less chance to get caught calling. I will just call and ask for Sheriff Samms and then give the message and hang up. Not giving him a chance to do or say anything. When we leave here, I’ll go get one of the cheapest prepaid phones with the fewest minutes, activate it and then when the call is finished I’ll throw it away without the battery, so no one can use it even if it’s found.” The doors to the elevator open and we walk inside. I hold the doors open and look back out at the parking garage. For some reason the hairs on the back of my neck are standing up. Twice in one day. Faith pulls me back and I let the doors close on us.
The next two hours are full of paperwork and answering a list of questions that I have no way of knowing. I don’t know anything about our family medical history except Faith has asthma and the fact I can’t remember the last time I was sick. I have been healthy throughout my life. The typical ear aches and sore throats but nothing else except a few seasonal allergies. At the end of the visit I have a picture of my child and two prescriptions. I don’t know whose head is in the clouds about this more, Faith’s or mine. I text Susan, so she knows what is going on and she can pass the word around. I think I just want everyone to get the idea in their heads before I see them. I hate to disappoint people. The trip back through the parking garage to the jeep is without the eerie feeling I felt earlier. I don’t know if that is because I am so happy or if the threat I felt is not here anymore.
“Let’s go to the mall and get that phone, drop off your prescriptions, and look at some baby clothes. They have a sandwich shop in there that has free Wi-Fi and we can activate the phone and get some lunch. I am starving.” Faith is enthusiastic and to tell the truth, so am I. I need to get the phone c
all to Kaden taken care of before I lose my courage. I don’t know why I am so nervous, it’s not like I am going to be talking to Brody. I will leave it up to Kaden if he tells Brody. It’s not like I have Brody’s phone number or anything. I can always get in touch with Kaden at the sheriff’s office. I am losing my courage, no, I can’t do that. I just need to do it and quit second guessing.
“Alright, I am starving too. We’re getting the phone first before I lose my nerve.” I start the jeep and find my way out of the damn garage. I have said I hate parking garages. It’s like a damn maze. Finally, the exit. I take out my parking stub and pay the machine and then head straight for the mall. It takes us over an hour to drive fifteen minutes away because of all the traffic at lunch time. I find a parking space close to the front of the mall.
“It’s been a while since we have been here. We need to start treating ourselves a little more often. We’re making our own money and I think we can afford an afternoon of window shopping and lunch.” I know I have held our purse strings tightly, but we still owe people and I would prefer to repay what I owe than to have lunch at the mall. Faith shouldn’t be worrying about money at her age. I should be able to take care of us both. One day at a time. We will get there. We walk through the heavy doors of the mall and I see an electronics store but before we go in I pull Faith to the side, so I can talk to her.
“Faith, any time you need to get away and come to the mall then do it. I don’t want you concentrating on just what I need to pay back but remember to always watch your back. I don’t want to come off sounding like an ass or a harping older sister, but we can never take enough precautions. I have been getting weird feelings like something is off or someone is close to finding us and I know I sound irrational. The feelings are just getting stronger and it’s hard to ignore them anymore.” I see Faith’s eyes get larger.