by Katie Dowe
*****
John downed the fiery liquid in one gulp and felt it burning a path through his gut. He had reached the office at seven thirty and there was hardly anyone there, that had suited him fine. He had not bothered to shave and had hightailed it out of the suite before she woke up.
He had spent the night staring up at the ornately decorated ceiling the entire night. At one point, he had almost gotten up and gone back into the room with her and just taken her into his arms and made sweet mindless love to her but he had stood his ground.
He wanted marriage and there was no point changing who he was, then he would end up being unhappy and resenting her. He kept torturing himself and wondering if maybe he should have given her more time and just waited. He knew the longer he waited the worse he would become, it was marriage or nothing! Only it sounded so hollow in his ears and his gut. His heart was twisting so much that he felt like he wanted to throw up. He had not eaten breakfast and had tried to drink some strong black coffee but the liquid had not gone down too well.
How could she not see that he was so in love with her that he would do anything for her, help her get through what she had gone through for years. He would have faced it with her but she did not even want to talk to him about it. He had waited for her to bring it up but she had not.
There was a discreet knock on the door and for one crazy moment he thought it was her coming to tell him that she had made a mistake and she wanted them to get married. But it was only his secretary and he forced himself to look alert as she came inside the room. He had a company to run and he was going to do so.
*****
“You look like hell,” Simoniel made the observation as soon as she walked into the office. She got there late because she was trying to repair her face. From the look that her friend gave her, she hadn't done a very good job. “Did somebody died?”
“Very funny,” Leonie said darkly heading into her office. “What do we have today?”
“We have some people coming in for interviews but you won’t be able to handle anything like that. I really think you should go home honey. Take the day and see if you feel better tomorrow.” Simoniel suggested.
“Life goes on if and when a relationship is broken and I have a company to run,” she said grimly.
“Did you say a relationship is broken?” Simoniel closed the door and rounded on her. “You broke up with that absolutely wonderful sexy heartbreakingly handsome man?”
“Thanks for all the adjectives that remind me of what I have lost,” Leonie thought she was all cried out but apparently not as she felt the tears starting again. “He wants to get married and I don’t so we have parted ways.”
“Oh Lord we need to call the church elders! The man is totally insane and deranged and he wants to marry you. How dared he?” Simoniel had her hands on her hips as she stared at her friend.
“Will you cut it out?” Leonie went and sat behind her desk hoping that she would leave.
“I am your best friend. Trust me when I tell you that you are the most fool hardy, stubborn one track minded person I have ever known! That man loves you and you are miserable without him. You are sitting there and telling me about a relationship being broken. Are you freaking kidding me girl?” she had never seen her friend so angry before and she stared at her in stupefaction. The girl was positively vibrating. “You are such an idiot!” she added and stormed out of the office slamming the door behind her.
*****
“You expect us to find someone for you that is perfect. You have been married two times before; doesn’t it prove to you that marriage has not worked so far?” Leonie asked the woman sitting before them. She was a very vibrant and preppy fifty-three year old and she was quite attractive in a matronly kind of way.
“I don’t understand,” the woman’s smile slipped a notch and she looked at the two women in the room. “I lost my fist husband in a car accident and then I married his best friend to compensate for the grief. I made a mistake there and we discovered it soon after, fortunately we have remained friends still. I just need to find someone whom I can talk to and be friends with and share a life with, that’s why I am here.”
“We do not work miracles Mrs. Vickers, we are a matchmaking service and we don’t guarantee-“
“What my friend is trying to say,” Simoniel interrupted her with a bright smile. “Is that we will take your file and try to match you with someone who has something in common. We will do our very best to find someone for you. Won’t we Leonie?” she turned to look at her friend closely.
“Of course,” she said forcing herself to smile at the woman who was looking at her uncertain.
“We will give you a call as soon as possible Mrs. Vickers and we are very good at what we do.” Simoniel gave the woman an encouraging smile and closed the door behind her.
“What was that?” she rounded on her friend.
“I was just telling her the facts of life,” Leonie said getting up wearily. “She needed to know.”
“No, she does not and you don’t know if the third time around is not going to be it for her. You need to go home and get your act together and stop projecting your bias on everyone else. You are a coward. I never thought I would say it and I am surprised I never saw it before. You are a coward Leonie, you are running away because somehow you might just find happiness and what else would put that chip on your shoulders? Nothing because you would have nothing left to put up as a shield or to make up as an excuse as to why your life is so full of crap!” Without waiting for an answer she stormed out of the interview room and slammed the door behind her.
*****
She took Simoniel’s advice and went home early. She was a mess and she knew it. Her friend was right, she was no good at work and she stood the chance of running off every one of their clients that walked through the door.
She thought she would do some laundry but her heart was not into housework so instead she reached for a bottle of red wine he had left there before he knew she was not particularly fond of it. She took the bottle with her and a wine glass and went to sit on the sofa and turned the television on, switching channels until she came to the soap station.
She binged on soap operas for the day and drank down the bottle of wine, trying to numb her hurt and pain. She had also planned on calling her mother but she knew what she was going to say to her. She was an idiot! Maybe she would not say it in those exact words but it would mean the same.
Simoniel had called her a coward and she was beginning to wonder if she was really one. What was she afraid of? Why couldn’t she move past the fact that her father had left? Her mother had moved on so long ago and it was not like she was not in love with John! She loved him so much that she felt as if all of the major organs in her body had been removed by his leaving. Why was she bent on this suffering and pain?
A current scene on the particular soap she was watching caught her eyes and she became absorbed in it. The beautiful blonde was telling her best friend, an attractive brunette that she was pregnant and she did not know if it was her husband's or his best friend's.
“You are in a tight spot girlfriend,” Leonie said lifting her wine glass in a slightly drunken toast. “Love sure does hurt,” she said with a hiccup and then without warning she burst into tears.
She finally slept and when she woke up it was dark out and she realized that she was hungry and also suffering from a pounding headache. She had not eaten since this morning, when she had forced herself to have a slightly cold toast and some lukewarm coffee at the office.
She was feeling a little bit better and with a determined straightening of her spine she decided to get up and go get something to eat. The situation was this: John wanted marriage and she did not and she just has to learn to deal with it. She was a strong black woman and she had never heard of someone dying of a broken heart yet and it was certainly not going to start with her. She would go on with her life as usual and she would concentrate on doing the best she knew how. It did not
matter that she would never be able to love like this again, because the point was there would never be anyone for her but him.
Chapter 11
It took a week for her to realize that no amount of convincing talk she gave herself was not working. She missed him and instead of getting better the feeling was getting worse. She kept seeing him wherever she went. She had gone into a coffee shop just two days ago and had seen a dark haired man in a business suit standing in the line and had started to go over. The man had turned around just then and she realized that it was not John.
He had not called her and it had been two weeks. She had not seen or heard from him. She tortured herself into wondering if he was seeing someone else and she found herself visualizing him with his arms around her neck and his body on hers and she would go into a murderous and jealous rage.
Simoniel refused to say anything to her on the subject and she did not bring it up either but she could feel the girl’s gaze on her often. She could not sleep and when she did she did not sleep on the bed, it brought back too many memories of him. He had left a couple of shirts there and she took them out at night and inhaled his scent, she had it bad and it was not getting better.
She was at home Saturday afternoon when her phone rang and for one moment her heartbeat quickened as she wondered whether it was him. It was her mother.
“Mom!” she sat down on the sofa and cradled the phone to her ear, her eyes closed.
“Baby girl, are you okay? You sound strange and I have not heard from you in a week.” Leonora said in a concerned voice.
“Mom, I screwed up,” Leonie’s voice trembled and she took a deep breath.
“Tell your mother what is happening honey.” It was her soothing voice that did it and Leonie felt the tears tracking down her cheeks.
“John left me,” she said, her voice shaky. “He wants to get married and I suggested we live together instead and he said he won’t accept anything less.”
“Oh baby girl,” Leonora said with a sigh. “I should have talked to you more about your dad leaving. There are some things I did not tell you that I should have and I am sorry. Your father and I were not getting along for years. I saw it and saw that he was unhappy but I ignored it and we fell out of love with each other years before he left. We only stayed together for your sake. He did what I was too cowardly to do honey, he left a marriage that had died a slow death a long time ago. I find myself wondering if I was ever in love with him because things I can say to Lorenzo now I could not talk to him about it. We were not meant to be and we made the mistake of thinking that if we stayed together over the years then it might work. We were wrong and I want you to go to that young man of yours and talk to him, unburden yourself and even though it is not going to be easy tell him what you are feeling, you’ll be surprised at how much better you will feel.”
Leonie felt herself growing calmer by the minute and for the first time in years she felt at peace with herself. “Thanks Mom,” she said quietly.
“You are most welcome honey and I will be calling back tomorrow for you to tell me that you went to him and you guys are talking at least. Not a lot of people find the love that you told me you and that young man share and you cannot afford to lose that.” Leonora told her gently. “Go get your man honey.”
*****
She waited until Sunday and she called Asami to ask her if John was there before she went over. She had spent the night thinking about what her mother had told her and she had come to a decision. She was still wary about the marriage part but one thing she knew for sure; she was not going to lose him. She was not doing well without him, he had become an important part of her and she needed him with her. She was willing to take the risk and she did not care if later down the line they were not together, she cared about now and who knew they might just last.
“He is in his suite my dear and I am sure he has no plans on going anywhere.” Asami told her. “He has become practically a recluse since you two have not been together, just going to the office and coming back home. I am glad one of you has come to your senses.”
“I will be there shortly and I would appreciate you not telling him.” Leonie told her.
“My lips are sealed.” Asami said with a smile in her voice.
She got there twenty minutes later and she had packed an overnight bag, hopeful that she was not coming back to her apartment tonight.
Asami met her at the door with a smile and a hug. It was almost eleven o’clock and she was dressed as if she was going somewhere.
“He is in his study my dear, I just checked on him. Lucas and I are going for brunch with some friends and the household staff are gone for the weekend. You have the whole place entirely to yourselves.” She told Leonie with a smile. “I expect to hear some good news when I get back.”
“Thanks Asami,” she gave the woman’s arm a grateful squeeze as she headed for the door.
“Let him eat something my dear, his appetite has been non-existent.” She called out softly and with a wave she was gone.
The door of his study was open and she saw him sitting around the desk with his head leaned back and his eyes closed. She made her way quietly towards him and it was when she was within arm’s length of him that his dark eyes flew open. He sat there staring at her as if she was an apparition. His eyes took in her attire in one sweeping look. She had dressed in a thick red sweater and black denims and her hair was curled softly around her shoulders. She had no make-up on except for the lip gloss she had applied.
He did not say anything to her and Leonie realized that it was going to be entirely up to her. “I never thought it possible to suffer as I have suffered over the last two weeks and I don’t want to have to go through that again.” She took a deep breath and continued, her eyes holding his. He still had not moved but waited for her to continue. “I cannot sleep or eat and I am no use at work. I love you John and whatever it takes to be with you, I am up for it.”
He still continued to stare at her without saying anything and for a moment she felt the panic raced through her and she wondered if she had left it too late. “Can you talk to me please?” she whispered.
“Whatever it takes?” he asked her, his voice cool and detached and Leonie felt her heart sinking to the bottom of her boots. “What does that mean?”
“It means that I am here on your terms.” She told him tremulously.
“You mean marriage?” he asked her his eyebrows raised.
She nodded.
“You can’t even say it can you?” he finally moved but not to her. He pushed back his chair and moved towards the liquor cabinet to pour himself what looked like whiskey in a glass and drained it in one gulp.
“I am here! What more do you want from me?” she cried out in frustration, feeling the despair rise up inside her.
“I want you to actually say the words and mean it dammit!” He slammed down the glass on the polished wood of the table and turned to face her. He had lost weight she thought tragically and his face looked drawn and pale. He had suffered from what she had done and she knew he was not going to take her back so easily, he had suffered too much.
“I love you John,” she abandoned every inch of pride and walked over to him. He stepped back and she was determined not to let that affect her way of thinking or what she had set out to do. “For a long time, I resolved within myself that there was no way I was ever going to get married. I had seen what the breaking up of a marriage does to people, especially where children were involved. I vowed never to let that happen to me. You came into my life and I fought with everything I had not to fall in love with you but I did. I thought I could deal with loving you and maybe living with you without the benefit of marriage. When you asked me to marry you, I panicked and every unreasonable feeling I had towards the topic resurfaced and I ran because I could not deal with it.”
“What’s different now?” he still had not softened.
“The difference is I am still scared out of my wits but I prefer to be scar
ed with you than to be scared and lonely and miserable without you.” She admitted, biting her lip to stop it from trembling. “I don’t want to be without you, it’s too hard.”
He stood there staring at her and just when she thought that her argument had not swayed him, he reached out and pulled her roughly into his arms. She sagged against him and felt the tears start until she could not control them. He held her to him as she sobbed into his white T-shirt and then with an oath he lifted her up and took her into the bedroom cradling her in his arms as he sat on one of the long curving sofas in the room. He held her gently to him, running his hand over her hair and down her back as she cried into his chest. Without saying a word he waited until she had stopped crying before he spoke. He put her away from him only to go into the bathroom to get a cold rag to wipe her face and he knelt before her as he did it, his touch gentle.
“You broke me,” he murmured, touching her cheek softly. “I never thought I could suffer so much and I swore that I never wanted to feel that way again. I went through a period where I could not function and that has never happened to me before. I was scared. I saw the future stretching before me without you in it and I wanted to die. I cannot go through that again Lee.” He had come back to sit with her and he took her hands in his. “I want marriage and that’s it Lee, I want to marry you and be with you for the rest of my life so you have to be certain because I cannot go through that again.”