“I’m never going to live this one down, am I?” I said.
“Nope,” Fabio confirmed with a grin on his handsome face. “You want me to watch the little ones?”
“Are you going to teach them anything illegal?” I countered.
“Umm… no?”
“Yes, I want you to watch them, and no, you will not teach them anything illegal. They need a nap soon anyway.”
“Do you have Windex?” Sassy asked, hopping up and down in excitement.
“What’s Windex?” I asked.
“She does,” Fabio said with a chuckle. “Under the sink. Why?”
“Didn’t any of you people see My Big Fat Greek Wedding?” Sassy demanded, trying to open the cabinet. “What in the Goddess’s name is wrong with your cabinet?”
“Child guards,” I said, flicking the latch so Sassy could find this Windex she was so fixated on.
“Those are awesome,” she said, ransacking the cleaning stuff I didn’t know I had under my sink. “I’m gonna have to get some for my house to lock up my vibrators. My kids think they’re back massagers. So did you see the movie?”
“No,” Fabio and I answered in unison and then a matching gag at Sassy’s overshare.
“Oh my Goddess,” she screeched so loud I was sure my eardrum was damaged. “You have to see it. Anyhoo, Windex is magic human liquid. Heals all kinds of shit.”
“Seriously?”
“Totally.”
Maybe today was looking up…
Or maybe not.
Chapter Five
“Okay, hold still,” I said to Fat Bastard as I prepared to spray his ass with Windex.
I wasn’t sure I believed Sassy, but since I was working at a disadvantage I figured it couldn’t hurt… much.
“Jeeze,” Fat Bastard yelled as he winced, jumped three feet in the air, and then fell off the examining table with a thud. “What are youse trying to do here? Remove my ass?”
“Youse gots a huge ass,” Jango commented, enjoying the show immensely. “Youse could use a reduction.”
“Say dat again,” Fat Bastard hissed.
“I said, youse gots a…”
And that was all Jango got out before Fat Bastard launched his corpulent carcass at his partner in crime. The hissing and swearing was outrageous. If it wasn’t so destructive to my pretty office space, I would have laughed at my pudgy felines having a smackdown.
“Enough,” I shouted coming this close to using my forbidden magic.
The fat fuckers ignored me. Not happening. They didn’t want to listen? Fine.
Not. A. Problem.
Brandishing my Windex, I found an opening and went in. I pumped that trigger like I was a freakin’ gunslinger in the old west.
And it worked. It really was human magic juice.
“Motherhumper in a fuckin’ jockstrap with jock itch,” Fat Bastard shrieked. “Youse made me blind.”
“I’m squeakin’” Jango shouted. “What the ever lovin’ jackhole is dat shit?”
“Windex,” I replied with my finger still on the trigger. “And I’ll use it again if you two asshats keep fighting.”
“Weeze are done,” Jango confirmed as he dragged his squeaky body to the exit. “Dat shit is evil.”
“Smells like Boba’s ass in August,” Fat Bastard commented as he went to town on his nuts to remove the offending scent.
“I present dat,” Boba Fett grunted as he sharpened his claws in preparation for a brawl. “Youse gots an ass that smells like a garbage truck full of dead bodies.”
“Don’t you mean resent?” I asked, slightly confused.
“S’what I said,” Boba shot back.
“Say dat again, youse atomic turd fungus,” Fat Bastard snarled.
“Wit pleasure, youse moist knob buccaneer.”
“Nope,” I shouted, aiming the blue bottle at them. “Do not ever say moist again. I will make you drink this shit if you do. I hate that word—I mean the rest of it was gross too, but the M word is not okay.” I was not going to break up another cat smackdown with magic human juice. Besides the cats were correct. It did smell funky. “All of you jackwads are leaving. Bermangoggleshitz is arriving soon. I don’t want you to beat the hell out of each other unnecessarily. You feel me?”
“Youse got it Sugar Socks,” Fat Bastard grumbled, flipping his kitty middle figure at his two buddies. “Weeze will get cleaned up and be back.”
“What about his butt?” Sassy asked, pointed at the Bastard’s still injured ass.
My brain raced to find a solution. This was not the way things were supposed to be. As much as I didn’t want to deal with Bermangoggleshitz, I knew I needed him. I had a job to do and I couldn’t do it. Crap.
“I don’t know,” I admitted in a small voice.
“I have an idea,” Sassy announced.
The cats froze in fear and I inched my way toward the exit just incase her idea included an explosion.
“Will we survive it?” I asked, keeping my voice as neutral as possible.
“Yessssssss,” she said with a giggle. “Your dad is a healer warlock. All you gorgeous redheaded witches are healers. So, I say until you’re able to do magic that doesn’t include bestowing multiple dongs, your dad can heal the Shifters.”
Sassy was brilliant—simply brilliant. Even my cats were impressed.
All redheaded witches were healers and we were rare. The witches were stronger than the warlocks in the healing department, but my dad could definitely take care of our people until I got a grip on my dark magic.
Sassy was the walking definition of idiotic brilliance and I adored her for it.
“You can pick three things from my closet,” I told my BFF.
“And I can keep them?” she squealed.
“Yes,” I said, not even caring if she took the Birkin bag.
I was maturing… kind of… plus I had every intention of hiding my newest Birkin.
Chapter Six
Well, he looked a little better than the last time I’d seen him, although that wasn’t really saying much. The horns were still there. Half of his face was otherworldly beautiful and the other half was still kind of the stuff nightmares were made of. I did have to admit his looks had improved somewhat in the months since I’d last seen him at Sassy’s wedding to Jeeves.
Bermangoggleshitz was enormous and built like a brick shithouse. He had one crystal clear blue eye and the other was still beady black. His hair was blond like Sassy’s and the good half of him looked like her.
The bad half? Not so much.
However, it did appear that the good half was winning out. At least I prayed to the Goddess it was. I didn’t need anymore trouble than I already had.
“Those are harsh terms, considering you people need me,” Bermangoggleshitz said, leaning back in his chair and eyeing the occupants in the office.
No one moved a muscle—not Sassy, Mac, Marge or me. Baba Yaga was running the show at the moment and she was kicking some witchy ass. I was a little concerned that her outfit would negate her upper hand, but thankfully I was wrong. She was dressed head to toe in silver lamé and was even wearing a freakin’ rhinestone crown. I decided not to look at her. It was be all kinds of stupid for me to laugh at a time like this.
We’d decided to hold the gathering in my office on the far side of our property as opposed to our house. I wanted to keep my children as far from Roy Bermangoggleshitz as possible at the moment. He didn’t need to know anything about my babies and their Goddess given powers at the moment.
In fact, I wanted to keep them a secret from the magical world as long as possible. They could in no way defend themselves yet. Once the word got out there would be unwelcome interest from every corner of the Universe.
“The terms stand, Roy,” Baba Yaga said in a cool tone as she filed her nails. “If you want to stay, you will play by them.”
“And if I don’t, Carol?” he inquired, staring daggers at the leader of the magical world as he laughed at her.
The use of her name was disrespectful, but his laugh made her eyes narrow to slits.
Baba dropped her file to the ground and slowly crossed the room to stand right in front of Barmangoggleshtz’s chair. Looking down at him she smiled. It wasn’t pretty and it scared the shit out of me and everyone else in attendance.
“If you don’t, you can say goodbye to your daughter for good—not to mention everyone else in the room,” she purred in a voice so icy even Bermangoggleshitz shivered.
Baba had him by the balls. Bermangoggleshitz had made it abundantly clear that he wanted to be in Sassy’s life. The only reason he looked as good as he did—good being a very relative word—was that he’d made some major fucking changes to deserve Sassy’s love.
Not to mention he had it really bad for Marge…
“Fine,” he snapped. “I’ll abide by your terms, but I have some of my own—and they’re non- negotiable.”
Baba circled the room sparkling like a freaking disco ball as she considered Roy’s ultimatum. She didn’t like backtalk. I knew this first hand. However, we needed Bermangoggleshitz.
She knew it and he knew it.
“State them,” she said flatly.
“When I train the girls in dark magic, I’m in charge. No questions asked.”
Mac growled deep in his throat. He wasn’t happy about that, and to be honest it made me a bit uncomfortable as well, but Baba didn’t seem fazed.
“Fine. What else?” she questioned.
“I shall need a keeper here. It will make all of you people more comfortable… and it will please me.”
“And who would that keeper be?” Baba Yaga inquired as she picked up her file and began shaping her nails again as if our lives and future weren’t on the line.
His pause was dramatic and I had a very bad feeling I knew exactly what he was about to say.
“Marge shall be my keeper,” Bermangoggleshitz said with a shrug of his shoulders and a grin that almost made him look attractive.
“No,” Marge hissed. “Absolutely not.”
Her eyes narrowed, her long blonde hair blew wildly around her head and her fingers began to spark. She was magnificent and pretty damned scary.
“My terms are non-negotiable,” he said calmly, staring at her with very little emotion on his face. “Take them or leave them. I have other things that could be occupying my time and I’d be delighted to leave. Your choice… Marge.”
Without even a glance at Marge, Baba Yaga nodded her head. “We accept your terms.”
“Are you insane?” Marge yelled at her sister.
“That’s kind of a given,” I muttered under my breath. “The outfit is a dead giveaway.”
“Heard that,” Baba said, flicking her fingers and zapping my ass.
“Shit,” I shouted as I smacked out the fire on my butt. Now my dad was going to have to heal Fat Bastard and me.
“This is a bad plan,” Marge insisted, avoiding all eye contact with Bermangoggleshitz and getting right up in her sister’s face. “I don’t have time for this foolishness.”
“Time becomes meaningless when you live as long as we do. And foolishness is a very relative word,” Baba Yaga told Marge as she gently touched her sister’s flushed cheek. “Time marches on and there is very little we can do about it except live in the moment—and those, too are fleeting, my sister. You have hidden yourself away for far too long. If you don’t grow some goddessdamned balls and live your life, I shall have to force you to do so.”
“Zelda could whip her up some balls,” Sassy volunteered.
“I was speaking metaphorically, Sassy,” Baba Yaga said with her eyes still focused on Marge.
“Is that Chinese?” Sassy inquired, getting annoyed.
“Yes,” I inserted quickly before Sassy gave up her ban on using magic and blew up my beautiful office with all of us in it.
“So Marge, darling,” Bermangoggleshitz said in a horridly self-satisfied tone, knowing he’d won. “We shall stay at your place.”
“I don’t have one,” she snapped, giving him such a withering glare, I wondered how long it would take old Roy to regret his demand.
“She lives with me and it’s kinda tight,” Sassy announced. “It’s me, Jeeves, Marge and the boys—Chad, Chip, Chunk and Chutney. But since you are my dad, I can make you a bed up in the kitchen. However, you should know that my boys wake up at dawn’s buttcrack and watching them eat is like sitting through a horror movie. The only saving grace is that they don’t eat meat—hence no blood… unless you take their gum and nuts away. And by nuts, I don’t mean testicles. If they can’t chew on something, they’ll cannibalize their own faces. Very unappetizing.
“Is there an inn in town?” Bermangoggleshitz asked, looking dazed and confused from his daughter’s monologue.
“Nope,” I said. “I have a tree house, but it’s my floating nookie hut. Not sure how weird that would get. You feel me?”
“No, I actually didn’t understand a word of that,” Bermangoggleshitz replied, appearing even more dazed. “Maybe it would be fine at Sassy’s.”
“Don’t forget Marge, Jeeves and the boys,” Sassy reminded him.
Sassy had adopted four grown chipmunk Shifters who’d tried to kill me. Well, actually they were vegetarians and couldn’t hurt a flea. They would have never harmed me. The gum-smacking weirdos had been in big trouble and in the end I’d forgiven them for attempted murder and welcomed them into the Assjacket fold.
Of course, Sassy had one upped me and adopted the wiry haired little freaks.
“So I guess it’s not going to work out,” Marge said, with over exaggerated sadness. “Sorry, Charlie.”
“His name is Roy,” Sassy whispered to Marge.
“I know, I was just… never mind,” Marge said. “I was speaking Chinese.”
“I thought so,” Sassy said, nodded her blonde curls.
“You will stay here,” Baba Yaga announced.
“In my office?” I asked, shocked. I loved my office and it was mine.
“Seeing as you have little use for it at the moment,” Baba said with a raised brow. “I would think you would offer up the hospitality—especially since you’d like to be able to use it again. You feel me? Plus, it’s on your property. It will be quick to get to for training.”
Goddess, I hated it when the crazy old bag was correct. Unless I got a grip on my dark magic, I wasn’t going to be able to heal people—hence no need for the gorgeous office that Mac had built for me.
Shit.
“Yes,” I said slowly and somewhat ungraciously. “I’d be delighted to let Bermangoggleshitmypants stay here.”
“What did you just call me?” Bermangoggleshitz asked, clearly displeased.
“I’m not sure.”
“It was Chinese,” Sassy informed her father.
Bermangoggleshitz stared at me until I felt itchy. Maybe I would be a bit more subtle in the future.
“No worries,” Bermangoggleshitz said with a chuckle that was all kinds of scary. “Zelda will pay for her impertinence.”
“Don’t be a dick,” Sassy warned her dad.
Bermangoggleshitz paused and pressed his temples dramatically. “Darling,” he said to his daughter. “I’m trying here—for you. But dick is fairly second nature to me, so I can’t guarantee outstanding behavior.”
“How about acceptable behavior?” Sassy countered.
“Define acceptable,” he countered back in all seriousness.
“I don’t care if you’re a dick,” I said calmly. I refused to let the skanky warlock know he unnerved me. “It gives me free rein to be a dick right back.”
Bermangoggleshitz raised his brow and then grinned. “You are truly refreshing.”
“However,” I added not wanting to be too refreshing… that grin was kind of nightmare inducing. “If you’re extremely dickish, I’ll be compelled to use my out of control magical pentagonal mojo on you.”
“What language are you speaking?” Bermangoggleshitz ask
ed with an eye roll.
“Chinese,” Sassy informed him. “I’m learning it, so don’t worry your partially hideous head about it. I figure in a few weeks, months or years I’ll be fluent—which is a Spanish word in case you were wondering—and I can interpret for you. Cool?”
After that the semi-evil warlock went mute. Sassy was actually one of the most powerful weapons we had—magic or no magic.
“Oh,” Sassy continued, oblivious to her father’s utter bewilderment. “Zelda or Houston as she sometimes goes by because of Apollo 13—which I haven’t seen—gave Roger five wanks. So I’d suggest that unless you want to risk having your pants full of peens, you should watch your mouth. And just so we’re clear… Five badoinkadoinks would mean you couldn’t wear pants. You’re already working at a very unpopular disadvantage here and I would think streaking with multiple dongs would make you seriously friendless.”
“I’m so confused,” Bermangoggleshitz whispered.
“Join the club,” Baba Yaga said. “She’s your daughter.”
“So what’s the plan?” Sassy asked, completely unaware of the head scratching discombobulating mess she’d caused.
“You will start your training tomorrow,” Baba Yaga announced. “Roy and Marge will stay here and I will go home.”
I gaped at our leader and slapped my hands on my hips. “You’re shitting me.”
“Do you eat with that mouth?” Baba asked with a raised brow.
“She does,” Sassy confirmed.
“Sassy’s correct,” I added. “You can’t just leave.”
Baba Yaga paused and stared at me. Slowly an evil slash delighted little grin spread across her glittery lips. “So you’re ready to take over my job?”
“Absofuckinglutely not,” I snapped.
“Well then, until you are, you’re not the boss of me. Am I clear?” she asked, beginning to spark like a firework.
“As mud,” I mumbled.
“Excellent,” Baba Yaga trilled, deciding to give me a pass on my rude comment. “There’s a little wrinkle problem that needs my attention at the moment.”
“I’d offer to iron it, but I blasted that motherhumpin’ piece of metal straight to hell,” Sassy announced. “I was ironing the boy’s underpants and my phone rang. I went to answer it because Jeeves usually calls during his lunch break and we have phone sex. Well, wouldn’t you just fucking know, I answered the iron and singed off half the hair on my head.”
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