“Look, Rad,” Sassy said taking Henry into her arms and cuddling him. “Ol’ Cookie Witch doesn’t really like idiots all that much. I’m the exception since I have to take over her suck ass job eventually. You are kind of the King of Idiots. You feel me?”
“Umm…” Roy always seemed to be at a loss where conversing with his spawn was concerned. He definitely wasn’t the only one. We were just more used to Sassy’s convoluted train of thought.
“So I say you play hard to get,” she went on oblivious to her father’s bewilderment. “You know… start dating a few gals in town, walk around shirtless, flex a lot, take a shower with the door open. Make Marge see what she’s missing.”
“Umm… nope.” I shot that one down immediately. “First off, that’s a shitty idea. If you were listening to Marge’s list of Bermangoggledumbass’s transgressions, you’d recall she kneed his nuts because he cheated on her—which is very, very bad in case you didn’t know,” I told an embarrassed Bermangoggleshitz. “Second off, even though you’re improving in the looks department, you’re still pretty much half-buttass ugly. I think you’re gonna just have to go with your gut. What do you usually do to get a gal?”
“Umm…” Again Roy was at a loss.
“Dude,” I said with an eye roll. “You can’t tell me you haven’t dated since you screwed over Marge. That had to be hundreds of years ago.”
“Define date,” he requested, truly puzzled.
Blowing out a long put upon sigh, I eyed the enormous warlock with the bloody broken nose. What I was about to offer was redonkulous, but… if I couldn’t heal with magic, maybe I could heal in other ways.
“How about this…” I said slowly, wondering if I had gone insane. No wait. I was completely insane and about to prove it. Whatever. It felt right. “I’ll help you not be such a jackwad in the Marge department and you lay off the pushups when you train me.”
Roy stood and his eyes narrowed as he considered my offer. He appeared hopeful and terrified at the same time. He was smarter than he looked.
“Are those your only terms?” he inquired with a raised brow.
“Of course not,” I answered with a laugh. “I don’t have to call you Mr. Roy and you design a pair of boots similar to yours for me.”
“And me,” Sassy chimed in.
“And Sassy,” I amended.
“Roy designs shoes?” Fabio asked, surprised.
“For Prada, Jimmy Choo and Manalo Blahnik,” I told my dad.
Without missing a single beat, Fabio was on it. “I’d like a pair in black.”
Shaking his head, Roy chuckled. “Fine. Boots all around. You really think you can help me?”
“No clue, but I can certainly do better than you’re doing right now.”
“Zelda has a point, Rad,” Sassy said. “Your skills suck.”
“Fine. I accept,” Roy said, still looking petrified.
“Well, good luck to you,” Fabio told him. “However, I believe we should take care of that nose before you let Zelda become your Cyrano De Bergerac.”
“It’s Houston,” Sassy corrected Fabio. “Zelda changed her name to Houston, not Cerano De Buttcrack.”
“Right,” Fabio said, knowing far better than to try to correct Sassy or explain what he’d meant. “Sit down, Roy.”
Roy sat.
Fabio healed.
Kind of…
It was a known fact that female witch healers were far stronger than male warlock healers. I’d just never seen proof until now.
“Umm… Fabdudio,” I said, wincing as he hopped around the room groaning in pain and frantically searching for something to stem the blood now pouring from his own nose.
Bermangoggleshitz was completely fine—nose as good as new. My dad? Not so much.
“Is that supposed to happen?” Roy asked, shocked.
“No,” I replied, grabbing a clean burb cloth and shoving it into my dad’s hands. “What gives?”
“Not sure,” Fabio said as confused as Roy. “I normally take on the pain of what I heal—not the actual injury. This is odd.”
“Sit down and put your head back,” Sassy instructed. “I’m gonna go find some fucking Windex.”
“Do not let her use Windex on my face,” Fabio begged as he shoved the edges of the burb cloth up each nostril.
“It worked in My Big Fat Greek Wedding,” Roy pointed out.
“Oh my Goddess,” I grumbled. “She is so your daughter.”
While I pondered what in the ever-loving hell to do, Sassy arrived with the Windex, which my father promptly conjured into a Birkin bag. Sassy was so taken with the purse, she forgot all about spraying my dad’s face with window cleaner.
“I’m no good at this,” Fabio said. “We could be in big trouble here if someone gets seriously injured.”
“Buwsit Crapass,” Henry said, standing up on his chunky baby legs and pointing his finger at his defeated grandfather.
“Buzzhit Kapass,” Audrey joined in.
She, too pointed at Fabio. Both of my children were grinning from ear to ear and I let my head fall in defeat. I was fairly sure their first words were definitely profane.
It was now official. I sucked ass as a mom.
“What did they say?” Bermangoggleshitz asked.
“I speak baby,” Sassy announced. “They said, ‘bullshit I crapped my pants’ or they might have said, ‘Krampas is a bullshit movie’ or most likely they said, ‘bullshit Grandpa’. The only word I’m sure of is bullshit.”
Before I could cry or admonish my gorgeous babies for swearing, they crawled over to Fabio and onto his lap. Gently touching his face and whispering nonsensical loving words they closed their eyes and hummed.
The atmosphere of the room went from normal to magical in a split second. Tiny golden sparks danced around my children’s red curls like miniature sparkling halos. Their giggles produced more sparkles in pinks, teals and silver. Fabio was covered from head to toe in an enchantment like I’d never witnessed. As the magic drifted away, Fabio sighed with contented relief.
“Busssit Crapass,” Audrey said, planting a wet kiss on Fabio’s perfectly healed nose.
“I’m thinking they just named you Crapass,” Sassy said with a laugh.
“They can call me whatever they want,” Fabio said, cuddling my children close and showering them with kisses. “Anything their little hearts desire and I will answer to it.”
“My Goddess,” Bermangoggleshitz gasped out. “They shift and heal? What else can they do?”
My head whipped around so fast, Roy jumped back to avoid ending up crispy. Black sparks flew from my fingertips and I was this close to blasting Roy to the Next Adventure.
“You. Saw. Nothing,” I ground out through clenched teeth. “Do you feel me? I don’t care how powerful you are or how semi-evil, I will take you to hell and drop you off if you tell anyone about my children.”
Bermangoggleshitz observed me with a small smile playing on his lips. “Do you love your dark magic right now?”
His question threw me.
“I love that I could end you if you wanted to harm my children,” I growled.
“So you do love it?” he pressed.
Inhaling deeply through my nose, I got a handle on my fury. The black magic receded and I stared him right in the eye. “Yes, I love it right now.”
“Do you think fate wanted you to have this particular gift to protect what is yours?” Bermangoggleshitz asked.
“Fate is as crazy as a motherhumpin’ loon. And the answer is… I don’t know,” I snapped, getting more confused. “So fine… maybe I can learn to love my dark side, but I still don’t know how to control it.”
“I’d say you’re doing pretty good, Houston,” Sassy chimed in. “Rad, do you have more than one badoinkadoink at the moment?”
Fabio’s bark of laughter and Roy’s gasp of horror would have been hilarious if all of this wasn’t so farked up.
Quickly turning his back to us, Bermangoggleshitz check
ed his man bits and sighed dramatically in relief. “Only one,” he said.
“See?” Sassy squealed, grabbing me and hugging me tight. “You were furious at my Rad, but you didn’t multiply his knob even though your dark magic was on full display. You’ve so got this, dude.”
“That’s a bit premature—no genital pun intended,” Roy said. “But we’ve made progress. And Zelda, you have my word that I will never reveal anything about your children.”
“Your word means nothing to me,” I told him flatly. “You come with a really bad track record.”
Bermangoggleshitz bowed his head in shame and understanding. “What can I do to assure you?”
I didn’t have to think at all. The most binding oath we had was Witches Honor—or in a male’s case—Warlock’s Honor. However, I had a little extra twist.
“You will swear on your honor, promising the Goddess to give up all your power and become human if you should break your vow.”
Fabio’s sharp intake of breath and Sassy’s gasp made me very aware of the gauntlet I’d just thrown down, but I stood by it. I would die for my children and no one was going to harm them on my clock.
“I will swear,” Bermangoggleshitz said without a beat of hesitation.
His immediate response surprised me, but a lot of things about Bermangoggleshitz were beginning to surprise me.
“Let’s do this outside,” Fabio suggested. “The Goddess will most certainly have something to add to the conversation and I’d think lightning in the house wouldn’t go over too well with Mac.”
“Excellent idea,” Bermangoggleshitz concurred as he walked to the front door and opened it.
“You’re probably gonna get an ass zapping from the Goddess. I get one at least once a week and I’m way better behaved than you are,” Sassy said, skipping out of the house after her father.
Fabio stood up with a baby in each arm. “You’re a good mother, my child.”
“Their first word was bullshit. That’s not really great parenting,” I said, mortified. “Don’t know how I’m gonna explain that one to Mac.”
Fabio laughed and planted a kiss on the top of my head. “Mac will be fine. He loves you and your potty mouth. I promise. You really ready to force Bermangoggleshitz’s hand?”
“Yep. That doesn’t faze me at all. Henry and Audrey will always come first.”
“As I said… you are a wonderful mother.”
“You’re actually a pretty good dad and Crapass, too,” I shot back.
“Crapass,” Henry and Audrey sang as we walked out the front door together.
I suppose his name could have been worse, but I couldn’t for the life of me figure out how.
Chapter Eleven
“How do we do this?” Bermangoggleshitz asked, unsure of the procedure. “I’m not exactly on good terms with the Goddess at the moment.”
The day was winding down and the sun sat low and blazing orange on the horizon. A gentle breeze blew through the long grasses surrounding our property. The trees rustled and the birds sang. I sighed and smiled. The Goddess had created such a beautiful world.
“You promise on Warlock’s Honor and we see what she does,” I told him. “Sit down and feel the earth beneath you. You need to get back in touch with your earth magic, dude. It misses you.”
He looked at me strangely but followed my directions. “Pretty sure it doesn’t like me,” Roy muttered as his hands sunk into the grass and he breathed in a huge cleansing breath.
“Feels good, doesn’t it?” I asked, feeling superior to him for once. He might have the edge on dark magic, but I was pretty dang good at the light stuff.
Bermangoggleshitz nodded and closed his eyes. “Goddess, if you are listening to an old man with much to regret, I have something to say.”
The wind stopped and the birds went silent. The sun shimmered so brightly that I had to shield my eyes. Holy crap on a sharp stick, this was bizarre. Fabdudio was definitely right to take this potential shit storm outside.
The air sizzled with enchantment and purple sparks began to rain down from the sky. Bermangoggleshitz stood slowly and stared in wonder. He lifted his hands to catch the glimmering magic as a child would to catch the first few flakes of winter’s earliest snowstorm.
His voice started in a whisper and then grew stronger as he spoke.
“I swear on Warlock’s Honor, to never reveal my knowledge of Henry or Audrey. If I break my oath, I forfeit my magic and will take on a human life. I choose to go further and pledge to protect the children from the darkness and when the time comes, I shall teach them how to wield their own dark magic. Hear me, Goddess… and give an undeserving man your blessing.”
A strong gust of rain scented wind blew through the yard knocking Sassy, Roy, Fabio and me to the ground, but not my babies. The current gently lifted them and they floated above us with babbling joy. The Goddess had wrapped them in her loving grace and cuddled them with nature.
Bursts of blissful magic surrounded Henry and Audrey and they swatted at it gleefully. I knew I wasn’t quite right in the head, but I would swear the wind was laughing with delight.
Then the wind spoke.
And I realized as crazy as I was, I wasn’t crazy at all. The Goddess created nature and she communicated through it as well. I’d just never heard her so clearly—or maybe I hadn’t listened hard enough. The words were melodic and airy. I’d honestly never known the Goddess to speak. I’d always taken the wrath of her anger for my impertinence right on my ass. She could say a whole freakin’ hell of a lot with a well-placed bolt of magic.
But this was surreal. My heart felt full and tears filled my eyes.
“I accept your oath and shall forever hold you to your promise, Roy Bermangoggleshitz. You have much to atone for and you shall begin now.”
And with a crack of silver blue lightning that landed squarely on Bermangoggleshitz’s ass, the world went right back to normal. The birds resumed singing and the trees continued to rustle and sway.
My babies floated back down and crawled straight to Bermangoggleshitz who was rolling in the grass to extinguish the fire on his ass. His language was all sorts of appalling, but I really couldn’t blame him. Those ass cracks of lightning hurt like a motherhumper.
“Watch your mouth, Rad,” Sassy admonished her father. “Henry and Audrey already say bullshit, they don’t need to learn any more bad words from you.”
Bermangoggleshitz grunted his agreement and lay on the ground in exhaustion. He’d been nailed by a chair and blasted by the Goddess. Not to mention he’d had no sleep due to Marge’s desire to become the next Ringo Starr.
“Houston, do you mind if I use a little magic and put out my Rad’s ass fire?”
“Be my guest,” I told her, getting unfortunately used to her calling me by the name of a city. “You have a handle on your dark magic. You’re not a genital risk.”
“Thanks, dude,” Sassy said as she waved her hand and created a brief mini rain shower over her dad’s smoldering butt.”
“Look at me, Roy,” Fabio said, squatting down next to him and helping him to a seated position. “Goddess, I can’t believe it.”
“Believe what?” I asked, running over.
“Holy schnikes!” Sassy yelled, gaping at her dad. “Rad, you’re prettier. I mean you’ve still got some butt ass ugly going, but you’re getting pretty hot.”
And she was correct. Bermangoggleshitz was going from the Beast to Beauty. Not completely. He still had horns. I did wonder if he would ever truly go back to his original visage, but… he was getting closer.
“Dude,” I said with a grin. “Your good is showing.”
“Yes, well… being good is extremely painful and tiring,” he said with a grimace as he got to his feet.
“Are you hungry?” Sassy asked her dad.
“Are you offering to cook for me?”
“Goddess no!” she shouted. “You’d die of food poisoning. However, Jeeves is cooking at the Assjacket Diner tonight and I’d
like to treat my semi-heinous dad to a delicious meal.”
“I could go for that as well,” Fabio said. “Shall we take my car?”
“How about we take our brooms?” Sassy suggested.
Fabio and Bermangoggleshitz gaped at her in horrified shock.
“Sassy,” I said with an eye roll and a laugh. “Broomsticks and testicles are not friends. Your dad and mine have been through enough today and I’m quite sure Fabdudio doesn’t want to heal Roy’s nuts or his own. You feel me?”
“I could put cushioned seats on the brooms,” she argued her case.
“No,” Bermangoggleshitz said firmly. “But thank you, darling. And umm… you do realize we don’t need brooms to fly, right?”
“I know that,” she said with a giggle. “I just think it’s so cool and it’s awfully terrifying to see a bunch of witches flying into town on bushy sticks.”
Fabio and Bermangoggleshitz exchanged looks and then shrugged. Sassy took that as a yes and conjured up three seated brooms before they could change their minds.
“You want one Zelda? I could make a three seater for you and the kids.”
“No. Never. Definitely not. I’m going to wait for Mac to get home and we’ll meet you flying idiots at the diner.”
“Good plan,” Sassy yelled as she hopped on her broom and made ridiculous revving noises with her mouth.
I stood and watched the three of them blast into the air. Bermangoggleshitz screamed and ended up riding upside down—something I was sadly familiar with. Fabio faired only slightly better as he listed to the right and pretty much won the screaming contest. For two of the most powerful warlocks in existence, they were pretty wimpy.
“Crapass,” Audrey yelled with delight as she pointed to the sky.
“Buwsit,” Henry added with a belly laugh.
Scooping the little giggle monsters up into my arm, I had to agree with my son. Riding a broom was total bullshit. I just hoped Roy and Fabio had more graceful landings than I’d had.
Somehow, I doubted it. The thought made me grin.
“Let’s get you guys changed and wait for daddy. Okay?”
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