“Follow you to the Next Adventure and yank your ass back where you belong.”
My smile was sad. “Mac. What would you really do?”
He paused and stared hard at me and then he glanced over at our babies. Sighing, he ran his hands through his hair and let his chin drop to his chest. “I would raise our children and make sure they knew how much their mother loved them. I would miss you everyday. Because if you died, my heart would die with you.”
I wasn’t strong enough to leave and I wasn’t strong enough to stay. The only thing that made my feet move toward the door was the thought of harming or killing the people I loved—the people I couldn’t live without.
“Roger will be stuck with his peens for a while,” I muttered.
“He’ll be fine,” Marge assured me. “However, I’m in agreement with Mac. Leaving could be more dangerous than staying. I’m beginning to think someone wants you to leave.”
I stopped pacing. Well, that was certainly a new puzzle piece.
“Roy, how many enemies do you have?” Mac asked, turning his laser focus to Bermangoggleshitz.
“Metaphorically or literally?” Roy questioned, completely serious.
“Literally,” Mac growled.
“Ahhh, I’d have to guess that would be most of the individuals I’ve crossed paths within the last three to four hundred years or so,” he replied tightly, looking embarrassed.
Mac turned away, walked to the wall and put his fist through it. The kids thought it was hilarious. The rest of us? Not so much.
“I’ll leave at once,” Roy said in a toneless voice. “However, if it was me someone was after, why would they be harming Zelda?”
I put my hand on Mac’s chest to calm him. His heart raced and I knew he was ready to put his fists into Bermangoggleshitz. That course of action would have ended badly for both men and most likely our house. “He has a point,” I said, standing in front of him so I was the only person in his sightline. “Plus, if it is an enemy of Roy’s, we need him to help defend us with dark magic. Sassy is strong, I’m a loose cannon, but Roy is the real deal.”
Closing his eyes and getting his fury in check with effort, Mac put his hands over mine. “You will stay.”
I nodded. “I will stay.”
“Fine. We need a plan of action for a threat that is invisible at the moment,” Mac said with a grunt of frustration. “We can’t rule out Endora and we can’t rule out Roy’s colorful past coming back to destroy him—and us.”
Roy cleared his throat. “May I?”
“Be my guest,” Mac said, warily.
“Sassy do you really speak and understand baby?” Roy inquired as Mac shook his head and looked for another spot on the wall to punch.
“I do,” she said.
“No, I mean really,” Bermangoggleshitz pressed.
Sassy paused and glanced down at her hands. “No,” she whispered as her eyes filled with tears. “I’m trying so hard, but I’m not really that smart. You already know that, Rad. Why are you being so mean?”
“Dear Goddess,” Bermangoggleshitz choked out, looking mortified. Crossing the room and dropping to his knees in front of Sassy, he took her trembling hands in his. “That’s not what I meant, my child. I think you’re brilliant and loving and beautiful. I thank the Goddess many times everyday for you and I’m doing my best to deserve you in my life. Apparently I’m doing a shitty job, but I’m trying. I only ask, because I want to know if Endora truly came to the children. It can help us rule her out if they know nothing.”
“Why didn’t you say that?” she asked, tilting her head and narrowing her eyes at him. “Were you speaking German?”
“Umm… ” Bermangoggleshitz glanced around the room in terror, fearing hurting his daughter’s feelings again. He was at a total loss of how to answer.
I wasn’t. “Yes, it was German.”
“Zelda?” Sassy questioned, looking at me expectantly.
Dropping my head, I stared at the floor. I wanted to scream or crawl out of my skin. Sassy could read minds like Marge—only different. Sassy actually went into minds and could see past memories. It had come in handy when we had needed to cross examine Baba Yaga’s bobbleheaded warlock posse to find the traitor last year. However, there had been a chance that she might have blown up their brains.
She didn’t, but if there was even the slightest possibility there was no way in hell she was crawling into Henry and Audrey’s minds.
“What’s going on?” Marge asked, concerned.
The huge gorgeous Great Room in my house now felt small and claustrophobic. Everything was going wildly wrong. I should have just written a dang note and left in the middle of the night. But that was the weenie way out. I was many things, but I was not a weenie.
“I read minds,” Sassy said.
“Oh crap,” Marge hissed and clapped her hands over her ears reminiscent of Sassy when she learned Marge read minds as well.
“Not like you,” Sassy said. “I can crawl in and see the past. But I’ve only done it a few times. Not sure this is a good idea.”
“What could go wrong?” Roy asked.
“Well… umm, I suppose if I screwed up the brain could potentially explode,” she confessed with a wince.
Mac’s growl of displeasure echoed my own. This was not the way to get to the bottom of what was happening. I wasn’t even sure if knowing Endora had actually been here would help. The knowledge of the threat did not equal the potential damage.
“Practice on me,” Roy said, stepping forward to the shock of all present. “I have vowed to defend Henry and Audrey with my life. If it’s a rehearsal you need, I’m your man—or guinea pig—or Rad.”
“You’d risk me blowing up your grey matter?” Sassy asked, surprised and humbled.
“I love you, Sassy. I believe in you. And if anyone is going to detonate my brain I want it to be you.”
Sassy threw her arms around her Rad and sobbed into his massive chest. “I wish I’d had you my whole life. If you’d let me blow your head off your body by accident that means you would have never dumped me at an orphanage. And by the way, that was the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me. Well, there was the time Jeeves said he really enjoyed when I …”
“TMI,” I cut in before she ruined a bizarrely disquieting yet strangely touching moment with scandalous sex-capade info.
“My bad,” she said, wiping her nose with her father’s sleeve.
“I will volunteer as well,” Marge said. “You may enter my mind.”
“Seriously?” I shouted. “This is a bad farking idea and potentially messy. Marge, can’t you just read Henry and Audrey’s minds?”
She nodded. “I can, but I can’t go back. I only hear what’s in the moment. I wouldn’t be able to tell if they’d seen Endora or what she might have said to them.”
There was silence in the room as we all digested the distasteful plan of action.
“No,” Mac said, breaking the silence. “Not happening.”
I agreed with him. There had to be another way that didn’t risk the lives of our children. My Goddess, I was ready to go to Oklahoma to keep them safe. There was no way I was letting Sassy crawl into their minds.
Wait, would I have really gone to Oklahoma? I had been thinking more about Alaska or the Yukon or Antarctica. However, I was definitely going to check into the population of Oklahoma. On the very outside chance that Fat Bastard hadn’t been lying to Roger about the men wearing skirts, it might truly be an under populated state. And it was a lot closer to Assjacket, West Virginia than Alaska. Even though I’d promised to stay, it was smart to have options.
“I agree with Mac,” Sassy said. “As confident as I feel with my magic, I won’t risk the babies. It was a dumb idea.”
“No, it wasn’t dumb,” I told her. “It’s just too risky. They’re babies—my babies.”
“I still volunteer,” Roy said. “And I think we should do it now. If there’s an emergency and it has to be done, I’d feel b
etter if Sassy got in a little brain crawling time. But Sassy, I will warn you now, what you see may not be pleasant.”
“I’ll only go toward the happier thoughts, Rad.”
Marge stepped up next to Roy. “I volunteer too.”
“Are you guys sure?” Sassy asked.
“Positive,” Marge answered for both of them as if it were the most natural thing for her to do so.
Putting down her design slash To-do notebook, Sassy centered herself and slowly approached her father. Gone was the flighty idiot and in her place was a powerful, beautiful witch. Her blonde hair floated around her head and her skin glowed. Placing her hands on Bermangoggleshitz’s temples, she leaned in and kissed his forehead.
“Relax, Rad,” she whispered in a voice full of confidence and love. “Let me in.”
The enchantment that floated around the room was golden in color and laced with hints of pink. It tickled my nose and calmed my soul. Roy smiled as Sassy wandered around his memories. She was as still as if she was in a trance and her brow was wrinkled in deep thought.
As quickly as she’d gone in, she came out.
“Are you okay, Rad?” she asked in a strange tone.
“I am,” he said, watching her warily. “Are you?”
She nodded and lovingly stroked his cheek. “I am,” she said quietly.
Marge stepped up and waited her turn. She had no fear on her face at all. She seemed quite delighted that the one who had been chosen to eventually replace her was as uniquely as powerful as she was herself.
Sassy repeated what she’d done with her father, including the kiss on the forehead. Marge smiled while Sassy poked around in her mind and sighed with contentment. The magic continued to float around the room weaving in and out and leaving a glittering pink dust in its wake. Henry and Audrey were happily swatting at it and giggling up a storm.
As Sassy finished and stepped back, she eyed her father and Marge. “You two really need to talk. I mean really.”
I was dying to know what Sassy had seen, but also knew it wasn’t my business. However, she wasn’t done.
“Misunderstandings can ruin lives. I mean, when I met Zelda in the pokey I thought she was a materialistic butthole jackoff to the max. I was wrong. She is definitely materialistic, but she’s not a butthole jackoff—at all. Well, she can be a slight butthole when I borrow or pilfer her shit. Pilfer is a Canadian word—not shit. Shit is American. But that’s not important,” she informed her confused audience. “Here’s what is… if I hadn’t bothered to stalk her butt to Assjacket, I wouldn’t have known that. My life would have been sad and lonely and I would have eventually moved on the Next Adventure thinking Zelda was a gaping hat of ass. I wouldn’t have met Jeeves and I wouldn’t have four grown chipmunk sons. Who, by the way, are like freakin’ a hundred years older than me. I told them to all just say they were twelve and call it a day—they’re short—it works. I don’t need to be aged needlessly by kids old enough to be my fucking grandfathers. You feel me?”
“Umm, Sassy,” I said. “Is there a point to this?”
“Yes… I think so. Maybe. Let me talk a little more. I’m sure I’ll find it.”
“You go girl,” I replied with a smile. She was an insane motherhumper, but she was my insane motherhumper.
“So since we could all bite it tomorrow, I’d like to suggest you two have a heart to heart and leave the pink frosting and Twister out of it. You both have the story wrong. Just sayin’.”
“If I may,” I said to Sassy.
“Absolutely,” she said, handing it over to me.
“I’d like to propose leaving all desires of bloody dismemberment out as well. Peeling skin off and tearing the limbs off people isn’t conducive to solving centuries old issues.”
“Excellent point.” Sassy congratulated me. “And another thing. Your mother is a fuc-arking chunky bulge spasm. If she’s been here, it’s a very bad thing,” she added to Marge.
“Has anyone reached Baba Yaga and Fabio?” Marge asked. “We need my sister.”
“No,” Jeeves said. “I’ve sent out a crew Shifter albatross and Shifter moles to track them.”
“Seriously? Moles and albatross?” Bermangoggleshitz asked with sarcasm dripping off the words.
Sassy rolled her eyes and smacked her Rad on the head with her notebook. “Don’t you doubt my Jeeves. He can go at least eight times every night.”
“While that’s wildly unnecessary information, I find his methods in tracking embarrassingly laughable,” Roy said, standing his ground.
“Really?” Sassy asked, narrowing her eyes at her father.
“Really,” he shot back, trying not to smirk at what he considered absurd Shifter behavior.
Jeeves simply smiled.
“Shall I handle this, my love,” he asked Sassy.
“Nope, I’ve got it, babe,” she replied.
Oh shit. Unsure if Sassy was going to have a go at her dad for insulting her husband or if she was just going to talk, I moved the babies to a safer spot and stood in front of them, just in case.
Sassy took a deep breath and let it rip. “The Eastern American mole smells in stereo. Because the little fuckers are blind and have little use for hearing, the hairy, stinky rats use stereoscopic smell to determine their location and the location of their prey—in this case Baba Yaga and Fabio. And since that crazy motherhumpin’ witch uses more hairspray than anyone should be legally allowed to do, this should work. As for the albatross, those flying shit buckets can smell fish from the air. Men in white coats with horn rimmed glasses—also known as scientists, which is a Jamaican word—have found that an albatross will alter its course toward prey located well out of visual range. Again Baba Yobighair’s use of Aqua Net will help matters. The winged douchebags can monitor miles-wide swaths even when they fly in a single direction or are inebriated—which they usually are.”
And that certainly shut Bermangoggleshitz up. Jeeves grinned proudly at his wife and Sassy gave her dad a look. She then turned to her kangaroo and laid one on him that should have definitely taken place behind closed doors. I was glad I was blocking the babies view.
“How do you know that?” I asked, blown away.
“Animal Planet. I love that shit.”
“Fine,” Marge said with a nod of approval to Jeeves and Sassy. “Hopefully they find them quickly. If it is Endora, she doesn’t fight fair.”
“Dooora,” Audrey yelled.
“Yes, my baby,” I said picking her up. “Marge is talking about Endora.”
“Buzzshit,” Henry squealed with a giggle, pointing at the ceiling. “Dooora.”
We all glanced up at the same time.
We all froze horror at the same time.
I was glad we hadn’t risked Sassy crawling into the babies’ minds because now we had our answer. She was perched on the banister watching the chaos below with great interest. I waited for a brief moment to see if she would say Durwood, but that was fiction. This was real—very real and very bad.
“I’ve come for my babies,” she purred, examining her blood red nails with detached interest.
Her likeness to the character on Bewitched was uncanny… Wait, it should be uncanny. She was the character from Bewitched. Right down to the royal blue eye shadow and piles of red curls atop her head. However, I could see the black roots and heaved a quick sigh of relief. There was no way someone like Endora was a healer witch.
Her silk robe was a blinding bluish green and spilled over the banister like ripples of diseased water. Her expression was sour and her bright blue eyes were cold and mean. She zoned in on my babies and the sides of her lips curled into what I could only guess was a smile. It was hideous.
She was clearly very powerful. A hazy glowing green enchantment vibrated around her and pulsed in rhythm as she breathed. I’d never seen anything quite like it, but I’d never seen a witch like her either. She was scary, but she was fucking with the wrong witch.
I could be very scary too.
My anger bubbled within my chest and my fingers spit black sparkles. I didn’t care who the hell she was. She was wrong. Dead wrong.
Handing Audrey to Mac, I saw Bermangoggleshitz scoop Henry up and hold him close. They were safe for now and I was farking pissed.
“They’re not your babies. They’re mine,” I hissed.
She threw her head back and laughed. It made my skin crawl.
“You’re unfit and I challenge you for them. They are the next leaders of our mystical world and as I raised the two in power at the moment… I call dibs on these.”
“Can she do that?” I demanded of Marge.
Nodding helplessly, she confirmed yet another bullshit rule I’d never heard.
“Any witch can challenge for young. It hasn’t happened in centuries. It was popular and became law during the Salem Witch Trials when so many of us were burned at the stake. Many witch babies were left motherless and there were fights to the death for them.”
“I’m not dead,” I snapped.
“Yet,” Endora corrected me. “You’re not dead… yet. However, you’ve almost killed many in your precious little town. You are—as I said—unfit. You may as well be dead, insignificant little witch.”
“Dude, give her ten boobs and eighteen vag-jay jays with your dark doodoo and then I’ll call in the Hooch sisters to Brazilian the livin’ daylights out of her muffins,” Sassy yelled. “She’s a farking crusty ass spasm. Don’t take that crap.”
I loved Sassy like a sister. She was disgusting and every kind of fabulous. Endora looked alarmed and completely confused.
“Is she right in the head?” Endora demanded, narrowing her eyes dangerously and glaring at Sassy.
“Not even a little bit,” I said with an evil little smile. “And she’s my second.”
“Your second?” Endora snapped. “What on earth are you speaking of?”
“As the Baba Yaga in training, I make the fucking rules, you old bag. And since Carol isn’t here at the moment, I’m in charge. You feel me?”
“Can she do that?” Endora inquired, staring daggers at her daughter.
Marge stood tall. Her hands were shaking and she quickly hid them behind her back. “She can.”
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