“Bushit,” Henry squealed.
“Pucker,” Audrey added, not to be outdone by her brother’s profanity. “Love Mamma.”
It was mortifying that the entire population of Assjacket knew that my kids had sewer mouths, but there wasn’t time to worry about that right now. They loved me and I loved them. Potty words were just a bunch of letters mixed together that someone decided were profane. I mean, elbow or cheesecake could have been a filthy word if someone had deemed it so, right? I’d send them to Roger for therapy when they got to be two or so. It would be fine.
Before I could utter a word in opposition of getting my babies involved, I felt a warm blast of soft magic wash over me. My body began to tingle and little pins and needles came alive in my blood, waking up my power. It wasn’t excruciating, but it wasn’t comfortable either. My body jerked and spasmed and I could literally feel the holes of my aura begin to mend. That definitely hurt a little, but I kept my lips closed tight. I had no intention of letting my kids know they were causing me pain. They were going to need years of therapy to get past this evening. I had no intention of adding to it with unnecessary guilt.
As quickly as it started, it was over. Slowly rolling my neck and popping my knuckles, I aimed away from everyone and threw a fireball. It detonated with an eerie scream on the wind and singed the air with so much enchantment the horizon appeared blood red. With a flick of my hand, I extinguished it but not until its effect was felt by all. It was precise. It was deadly. It was gorgeous.
“And there’s your proof, Endora,” I said with a smile that didn’t reach my eyes.
The Shifters of Assjacket hooted and hollered. It was a riotous sea of hideous plaid. I’d never heard or seen anything so beautiful.
A warm ball of white light glowed from within and warmed my soul. I felt the cooler fingers of my darkness wind around the light and settle in comfortably. A cool breeze began to blow and I laughed as I felt my power roll through my body with joy and strength.
“Just so you know,” Marge said to her mother with a wide grin. “She’s stronger than Carol and I put together.”
“By a long shot,” Baba added with pride.
Endora looked from daughter to daughter and then zeroed in on me. I waved and shot a little zap of hello. It landed right between her eyebrows and melted the bright green eye shadow right off her face.
“You want more?” I asked politely. “I’ve got plenty where that came from.”
“I concede,” Endora said, seething and shaking. “You win. Change me back and I will be gone.”
“You will stand before the Goddess and wait for her judgment as far as your destruction of Zelda’s aura goes and the denial of the challenge you made,” Baba Yaga said to her mother.
“You will finally face the consequences of your actions,” Marge said with satisfaction.
“Whatever,” Endora snapped. “I’ll stand before your worthless Goddess. There is nothing she can do to me. I don’t worship her. You will reverse this spell and I shall be gone.”
Marge gave me a tight-lipped smile and a quick nod. They knew her better than I did. I wasn’t really happy about restoring Endora, but if she was going to have to stand before the Goddess, I really didn’t want to explain how or why I’d turned her into a mammary.
With a wave of my hand, I restored Endora to her former self. It would be a stretch to say ‘former beauty’, but it was a vast improvement over the boob.
It couldn’t be this easy. Could it?
Nothing was ever this easy.
In the split second between life and death a whole lot can happen. And it did.
Chapter Nineteen
It was fast. It was ugly. It ended in death.
And not the death it should have ended in.
It seemed like a blur, but a hazy blur in rapid motion. I saw it unfold, but it was as if my brain was registering everything one second behind—and the person I’d least expected to save the day was registering one second ahead.
“Fine,” Endora said calmly, checking herself to make sure she was no longer a mammary. “You win.”
I heaved an internal sigh of relief. Outwardly though, I let my magic take over. Now that it was over, I grew furious. This horrid woman had come to my home—the place I loved—and hidden in time wrinkles. She’d drained my magic by piercing holes in my aura. She’d tried to steal my children.
Because of what she’d done, Assjacket was now full of craters, Roger had a pentagon of penii and my children had sewer mouths. Not to mention I’d come pretty close to seeing what the Next Adventure looked like.
Well, to be honest, the potty mouths of my children were my fault, but right now I was blaming everything on Endora.
A ball of fury simmered in my gut as I glared at her. Shimmering gold fire laced with glittering black covered my arms and chest. I heard the gasps of my friends and even Endora appeared uneasy.
“If you ever try anything like this again, I will end you,” I warned through clenched teeth as I held back the desire to blast her into oblivion. “You’re lucky the Goddess will choose your punishment because mine would have been far worse than anything she could do to you.”
Endora said nothing—just glared back at me with eyes full of raw hatred. Goddess, if this was how Baba Yaga and Marge had been raised, my heart was sick for them. Endora was spiteful and freakin’ mean.
“At your bidding,” something on the wind called out.
I glanced around to see if anyone else had heard it, but no one noticed. Maybe I wasn’t completely healed. Had the trauma of my aura being damaged made me hear voices? I would swear it was the freakin’ trees, but that was impossible.
“Why?” I asked Endora, ignoring my hallucinations. “Why did you do this?”
She shrugged and laughed. The sound was oily and deranged. It made me want to headbutt her or turn her back into a boob, but instead I simply waited. I deserved an answer and I would get it.
“I was bored and I wanted power. I deserve power and respect,” she hissed coming unhinged, finally revealing something awful, but truthful for her. “You don’t deserve those children. I am the one who created greatness before and I am the one to create it again. You,” she sneered, staring at me with a dead expression, “even with your fancy bells and whistles are still nothing… and you know it.”
“Dang, someone sure is a sore loser,” Sassy muttered.
Endora snapped her focus to Sassy and began to raise her hand to do her harm. With a quick slice of my arm through the air, I zapped Endora so hard she shrieked in pain and swore. She swore pathetically. I could have so kicked her ass in a cuss off…
“If you ever so much as look at anyone here today again in your lifetime, I will make it so you won’t gaze upon anything ever again. I love every single person here. Do you understand me, old woman?” I said in a tone so filled with rage she blanched.
Waving my hand, I pointed at all my people behind me—every single one.
“Wait,” Bermangoggleshitz said, clearly unsure if he was included in my blanket statement. “You love me?”
“Figure of speech,” I said to him while keeping my eyes glued to Endora. “You’re here right now, therefore my responsibility—hence I have to love you for the sake of the argument. Capisce?”
“That’s German,” Sassy explained. “And it means she loves you but doesn’t want to admit it because you’re still a partial jackhole.”
Roy laughed and nodded. It was actually charming even though half of him was still ugly. He’d grown on me the same way Sassy had—like a sweet smelling fungus that you could deal with most of the time and never completely get rid of.
“Sassy, you’re correct, but I’d like to amend my statement. I do love you, Roy Bermangoggleshitz. When you make me do pushups, I hate you with the fire of a million suns, but other than that I love you. You’re like the drunk uncle who doesn’t help with dishes after dinner and tells off-color jokes, but we can’t help but keep inviting you because every fo
urth joke is actually funny. Just don’t spread my newfound feelings for you around. My reputation is already fucked. You feel me?”
“Umm, Houston?” Sassy said with her hand raised.
“Yes, Sassy?”
“Your rep is a goner. Everyone in town just heard you tell my dad you loved him. I’m gonna have to say you’re no longer an uncaring materialistic witch.”
“That’s a really shitty thing to say,” I pointed out.
“Wait,” Sassy said, clearly rethinking her insulting description. “I take back the materialistic part. You are totally still materialistic.”
“Thank you.”
“You’re welcome,” she replied with a thumbs up. “And just for the record, I love my dad too—a lot.”
“And I love my daughter and her insane friend,” Roy announced, getting into the lovefest.
“And I love Roy Bermangoggleshitz as well,” Marge called out in a loud voice. “I always have and I always will.”
“Nows dis is gettin’ good,” Fat Bastard said. “Howsevers, Sugar Bottom, I think you shoulda left dat old crusty snot licker a boob. Just sayin’”
My cat was never one to hold his opinion back…
“You love me?” Roy asked Marge as all of the Shifters of Assjacket began to sigh, swoon and giggle.
“I do,” she admitted with a blush. “But I will still make your life hell.”
“I wouldn’t have it any other way,” Roy said, sounding several hundred years younger than he did only seconds ago.
His joy was unmistakable and I grinned. At least something good had happened tonight.
Endora gagged and rolled her eyes in disgust. “Give me a break. The filthy warlock stole your potion,” she snapped at Marge. “And he used it to do horrible things. The world almost ended because you let that cretin into your life. And you,” she snarled, turning her attention to Bermangoggleshitz. “I’d think after the letter she wrote you about all the other warlocks she was entertaining and how you meant nothing to her, you wouldn’t be so quick to forgive. She told you she’d faked it every time and that your tiny equipment had never satisfied. She wasn’t even sure you could call what you filthy people did fornication. It was that bad.”
Well, that certainly shut everyone up—everyone except Roy and Marge. Roy swore and growled in fury as Marge gasped in confused shock.
“And that’s exactly what I was talking about,” Sassy said with a grunt of disgust and a very pronounced middle finger aimed at Endora. “Misunderstandings suck ass. Hang on for a second.”
While everyone was still digesting what Endora had revealed, Sassy walked right over to her, grabbed her by the hair and dove into her brain. Endora screamed and tried to get away, but Sassy was on a mission. And when Sassy was on a mission, no one could stop her. She wasn’t careful. She wasn’t gentle. Endora’s screams were earsplitting, but I felt no compassion. I was beginning to put the story together and clearly Sassy already had. For someone lacking in the brains department, my BFF was kicking some major crainial ass this week.
With a grunt of revulsion, Sassy let go of Endora. The old evil witch fell to the ground and clutched her head in agony. She was lucky Sassy hadn’t blown her grey matter up on purpose.
“Just as I suspected,” Sassy said, going all Law and Order on us as she paced back and forth like she was making her closing statements in a court case. “The plaintiff is clearly insane. She is a rusty knob humper and a liar. Her victims are too many to name, but pertaining to this case being heard by the court, the victims are Cookie Witch and Roy Bermangoggleshitz.”
Sassy then did the staccato bomp bomp sound effect from the TV show. I almost laughed but bit it back. She was on a roll and I wasn’t about to stop her.
Sassy glanced down at the witch in the dirt and pulled her back up by her hair. “You will answer the questions. You will tell the truth or I will dive back in and scramble your brains so hard that you’ll beg Zelda to kill your sorry ass. You feel me?”
Endora nodded her head and stared at the ground. Her magic vibrated around her, but I kept a close eye on that. Certainly she wasn’t stupid enough to try anything with all of us here….
“Who wrote the breakup letter to Roy Bermangoggleshitz and signed it from Cookie Witch aka Marge?” Sassy demanded.
With her eyes still downward cast, Endora muttered inaudibly.
“I can’t hear you, Mother,” Marge said, stepping forward and beginning to spark like a small inferno.
“I did,” Endora growled.
“And who tried to steal that green smelly shit and do evil with it, then blame it all on Roy Bermangoggleshitz?” Sassy continued.
“I did,” Endora admitted.
“Why?” Sassy pressed, going for the jugular.
“Because it was fun,” Endora hissed and the crowd booed.
“Sooooo… I present to you, my heinously dressed, kilt wearing jury, the following facts. Hundreds of years were wasted in misery because Enjackoffora messed with her daughter’s happiness. If she wasn’t happy, she was going to make damned well sure no one else was either. The facts clearly state she has been a shitty mother and I know shitty mothers. Trust me on that. However, I do owe that nasty assmower a small debt of gratitude. If Cookie Witch and Roy had always been together, my dad wouldn’t have been a manwhore. Hence he wouldn’t have popped my egg donor—whom, by the way, he can’t remember—and I wouldn’t be standing before you today presenting my findings and making the world a better place. I rest my case.”
“You didn’t write the letter?” Roy asked Marge.
She shook her head. “No. You didn’t steal the goop?”
“No,” he said, crossing swiftly to her. “I love you and I always will.” He took Marge’s trembling hand in his and his kissed it reverently. “Always.”
“And they all lived happily ever after,” Baba Yaga said, smiling at a blushing Marge and delighted Roy. “My princess sister finally got her prince. The power was rightly restored to the Baba Yaga in training and her miracle children are unharmed—slightly profane, but that’s to be expected. The deductive skills of the one known as Sassy Louise Bermangoggleshitz Pants will forever be celebrated and remembered. Never again shall you think of yourself as daft—a French word meaning not smart, in case you were wondering,” she told Sassy with an amused chuckle. “And the bad, evil, wicked witch was defeated. She will be punished by our beloved Goddess and all will be balanced and right with our world. So mote it be.”
“Over my dead body,” Endora shrieked as she pulled on her power and shot the largest bolt of magic I’d ever seen. “If I can’t have those children, no one can.”
The streak flew so fast and with such force, even at full magic I couldn’t deflect it. My cats dove to take the hit but fell to the ground with thuds as the deadly enchantment whizzed past, headed right for the most precious things in my life. Mac’s roar of agony hurt my ears as he too tried to take the hit. But the magic was so intense it blew him back and his effort was in vain.
Baba Yaga and Marge almost disappeared to the human eye they moved so quickly, but again in vain. Sassy’s scream of terror echoed in my ears as everything went into slow motion and my heart shattered into a million pieces.
But someone was ahead of all us… including Endora.
With a roar that had to have been heard in the Next Adventure, Bermangoggleshitz appeared to leave his body and jettison his soul across the yard in front of my children. He flung every part of himself with an enchantment so powerful it left me breathless. The move was so abstract I couldn’t tell what was happening. A riot of dark colors swirled and crackled. His aura was glittering black mixed with swirls of blood red and smoky burnt silver. It surrounded my children and pillowed them in a dark impenetrable magic that nothing could pierce.
His body, aura and soul had protected my children from the death magic Endora had shot, but he couldn’t save himself. As the magic was deflected and exploded with a sickening explosion in the sky, Roy Bermangoggl
eshitz fell lifeless to the ground at the feet of my babies.
Sassy and Marge’s screams floated eerily on the wind and Fabio dropped to the ground next to Roy. My father began to chant and pray to the Goddess in a desperate voice, begging for the power to heal him. I watched in horror as Bermangoggleshitz’s soul rose out of his body and looked down at the scene below. He smiled with satisfaction when he saw Henry and Audrey were in Mac’s arms alive—shaken but breathing, their eyes as big as saucers. Then his gaze traveled to Marge. His pain was so visceral, my breath caught in my throat. His ascension halted and his hand reached for her. She couldn’t see it as she was prostrate over his fallen body and sobbing.
Then the wind spoke… again.
“At your bidding,” it whispered.
Whipping around to figure out who was speaking, I saw Baba Yaga with her mother pinned to the ground beneath her. For the moment Baba Yaga was winning, but Endora was glowing a putrid, vicious green and looked like she could detonate any second. We’d already lost Bermangoggleshitz. I wasn’t about to let his death have been in vain.
At my bidding… At my bidding…
At my bidding?
They wanted me to bid? Fine. I was gonna bid.
At this point what did I have to lose? A whole heck of a lot. I was going to call on all the help I could get even if it was imaginary.
“I bid you come to me,” I shouted to the wind. “I bid you to bind the evil and hold it fast. I bid you to come to me. NOW.”
The rumble sounded like an earthquake. The wind picked up blowing my hair across my eyes, which was why I thought I was seeing things—like trees uprooting themselves from the forest and sprinting toward me.
Nope, not hallucinating. I had apparently called on the trees and they were heeding my call.
Flicking my hair away from my face, I raised my arms high and welcomed the insanity barreling my way. It felt right and I was going with it. I just really prayed I wasn’t delirious.
I bid you to come.
I bid you to stay.
I bid you to help take the evil away.
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