“I’m sorry, Roen, for not doing everything in my power to be with you sooner. I doubted how you felt, I doubted my place in this kingdom, but I never doubted how I felt for you, and I should have acted on that. I’m sorry I’m so bad at the relationship I have with you, and that I’m not impulsive like Memory. I won’t object if you want to be with her, or leave, or do whatever you need to in order to be happy.”
“El,” Roen’s forehead creased but a smile sat on his lips. “I have tried to love others, but could only love you. I have tried to deny it, and only loved you more. I love you in a way that should make me a poet, but instead leaves me speechless. If you love me but a hundredth of how I love you, then I am happy.”
Eloryn’s hands reached for Roen’s collar, but she couldn’t feel the movement, could feel nothing but tingling nerves. Fingertips brushed his neck and sent a flush of warmth through her as she pulled him down to touch her mouth gently against hers.
She could feel his smile under her lips and kissed him again before letting go.
She blushed triumphantly as he looked down at her, shaking his head like he couldn’t believe what was happening.
“I hope that felt like a little more than one hundredth,” she said.
“Hard to say. I think I may just need to try...” His words became breath, disappearing to nothing as he walked into her, pressing his body against hers. Roen scooped the back of her head into both hands and kissed her cheek and neck.
Eloryn wrapped her hands around his shoulders, and he lifted her off her feet, spinning her in the air.
Chapter 26
The knife had warmed to body temperature in her hands. Memory wasn’t sure what she intended to do with it but couldn’t let it go.
Servants gave her worried looks as they saw her walk by, but Memory barely noticed. People always stared at her wherever she went. It came with the hair colors and piercings. They made people judge her on first glance and that was how she liked it. It meant people left her alone. She felt shut off from the world, too busy struggling with herself. She’d already made her decision, but the options kept rattling around like loose change, tempting her. Would taking Eloryn’s life solve her problems? No. Not even in her darkest fantasy. But she had to see her one more time.
Memory knew they would all be at the meeting Eloryn had called. The meeting didn’t matter to her, but she was surprised that she had been invited at all, or that they even remembered she existed. She felt like she was already gone and couldn’t understand that others didn’t think the same.
Memory heard giggling and slowed down. At the end of the hall, she saw Eloryn and Roen. They looked utterly happy, wrapped in each other’s arms, kissing again and again.
Memory looked away, squeezing her dry eyes closed, holding the image of them together like a snapshot in her mind.
Hope’s familiar voice whispered from behind her. “If you want Roen, then you can have him once Eloryn is gone. You can have everything you want.”
“No. I want Roen and Eloryn. I love them both. I love them and want them to be happy.” Memory turned and headed back the way she’d come. The knife dropped on the floor, tumbling into a dark corner behind an ornamental suit of armor.
Memory didn’t know if Hope still followed her, but she spoke aloud anyway. “I already know the problem that needs to be removed. It’s not them. It’s me.”
“What a fun trick we played.” Mina laughed, making a sound like tinkling chimes. She lay on top of Will in long, lush grass, spotted with wildflowers. The overwhelming fragrance of the blossoms added to the sick feeling in Will’s gut.
She’ll think I went home without her. I have to get back.
Mina had snatched Will away right at the worst moment. He’d been avoiding her, and this was how she punished him. He knew the more he wanted to go back, the less likely it would happen. He tried to seem relaxed, carefree.
Mina rolled over him into the grass, and the blades lit up from within where she touched them, glowing golden, and sprays of petals danced as she giggled. Even now, Will ached at her beauty, that dangerous beauty he wished he could deny, like being lured by poisoned honey.
Will stretched casually and carefully picked his words. “Wouldn’t it be a good trick if you sent me back now? She must think I’m gone. She’ll be surprised if I show up again.”
“No.” Mina flipped onto her stomach and put her elbows under her, lifting her chest up like a sphinx. “You’ll go back when I’m bored of you.”
It had already been all night and most of the day Mina had kept him with her. He wasn’t sure where they were. Somewhere deep in the hunting grounds, but he wasn’t as familiar with this forest as he was with his last home. The small meadow grew dim and shaded, and a pair of deer wandered in, grazing. Mina sprung up onto her knees, reached out a hand, and the deer cantered over to her.
Will shifted in the grass, off his back and into a crouch, eyeing the elegant creatures. Recognizing the look on his face, the form of his body, the deer changed course. He was a predator, and they knew it. They bounded off into the darkened woods.
Mina smacked her hands onto the ground, shrieking. “I wanted to play with them.”
“They’re gone now.” Will shrugged and lay down again. He yawned and closed his eyes. “You could probably catch them if you want. But I’m tired.”
Mina threw handfuls of torn-up grass at him. “Horrible boring boy.”
She floated up into the air, shimmering dust falling from her, and zipped away through the trees.
Will remained still for a few moments more, waiting to make sure she had gone, then pushed up to his feet and started running. He ran west, following the setting sun until he started to see familiar ground, then ran until he reached the palace walls.
Will climbed the vines to Memory’s bedroom. The window was locked, for the first time Will had ever known.
Will knocked hard on the paneled glass, and a figure rushed to open the doors for him.
The red-headed maid stood in front of him, worry all over her features.
“Where is Memory?” Will asked, stepping into the room. It was still a mess from his fight with Dylan.
“Will, I’m so glad you’re here. I don’t know what to do.” Clara handed him an open letter, written on the same cream-colored paper as the one Memory had left for him in the Ivy Room.
Clara rambled, almost hysterical. “She locked herself in her room earlier. I could hear her talking to herself. And now this.”
Will only needed to read the first word. Goodbye.
“How can we find her?” Will roared.
Clara squeaked, “Maybe her sister, or—”
“Take me. Now.”
A fear Will hadn’t known since he was a boy in the other world gripped him. Back there he’d often worried, often thought it could happen. But he hoped here Memory had found a new life, had escaped her past. Something must have changed.
Clara led Will at a run through the palace. Will didn’t care what he wore or the looks he got. He only cared about reaching Memory in time.
They found both Eloryn and Roen together, smiling despite the turmoil of wizards and messengers rushing about them. Will didn’t understand what was happening. The castle seemed to be in chaos.
“We have to help Memory,” Will said.
“Where is she?” Eloryn asked, her expression of joy slipping away to concern.
“We hoped you could find her,” Clara said. “She may be planning to do something awful.”
“She has no one with her? No guards or servants?” Eloryn asked.
Roen shook his head. “You know what she’s like. She’ll be alone.”
Clara nodded and began to cry. “She only has me, and I wasn’t there for her. It’s my fault. I shouldn’t have left her like that. The things she was saying, things she was doing. I’m so worried.”
“It wasn’t just your responsibility. If she’s in danger, it’s all our faults,” Roen said.
Will’s breath
grew rough, each exhalation a growl. “We have to hurry.”
They started moving, and a handful of guards that had their eyes on Eloryn followed. Will stopped. “Just us. It has to just be us, no one else.”
Eloryn gave the guards a signal. One in particular nodded.
The guards remained where they were and Will, Clara, Eloryn, and Roen ran to find Memory.
What am I doing?
Memory felt more broken than ever. Regaining her memories had made things worse, not better. She hurt in a way that she didn’t know how things could ever be better again.
She found solitude in Thayl’s old quarters. The whole wing was still closed up, and she could wander freely without anyone staring at her. Only Hope was with her, ever by her side, as Memory wound her way around the tower stairs, up and up.
Memory paused along the way, drifting through the piles of junk in storage in the tower. She ran her hands over the stack of mattresses and their moth-eaten covers. A rolled tapestry on the floor showed burn marks. Paintings with cracked frames were stacked haphazardly. Splintered pieces of the round table had been piled in a corner.
This is the place for broken things.
She didn’t belong in Avall with Eloryn and Roen. Maybe they thought so at first, but as the jigsaw of their lives came together, it became clear that Memory was a spare, broken piece that didn’t fit. No one really knew her. No one accepted her for who she really was. Not even herself. Now she remembered her past, she knew she’d always been trying to be something she wasn’t, someone different, running from herself.
Memory wondered whether Thayl felt like this as he made his way up this same tower, that there was no place in the puzzle for them.
Memory stood at the balcony and looked down.
Hope pulled her away by the arm. “What do you think you’re doing? I’ve told you how to solve your problems. Why won’t you believe me and just get it done?”
Memory looked out the window into the distance. “My own screwed-up brain is telling me to kill my sister. I don’t deserve to live.”
Hope shook her. “I’m not your brain. I’m real.”
“Prove it.”
“I knew things that you didn’t. I knew you killed that guy before I showed it to you.”
Memory snatched her arm from Hope’s grasp. “Yeah, thanks for that.”
“I just wanted to prove what you were capable of doing.”
“And now I know.” Memory headed again toward the edge.
Hope grabbed her roughly, dragging her back into the room and slamming the balcony doors closed behind her. “I’m sorry if your memories weren’t all puppy dogs and picnics, but you have to snap out of it, we have things to do.”
Memory faced Hope. She snarled and the room shook.
Hope smiled uneasily. “I thought you’d gotten yourself under control?”
“I have.” The tower shook, and Hope was knocked to the floor.
Hope looked at Memory with genuine fear in her eyes. “I know it’s a lot to ask, to kill your own sister, but it will work, I promise. If you want I can do it for you. Let me do it for you, and you can owe me a favor in return. Just give me the all clear.”
Memory turned her back. “Shut up, Hope. Whatever you’ve got to say, whatever experience you think you’re calling on for this advice you’re giving me, it’s all in me again now too. There’s nothing anymore you can offer me. You’ve given me everything I needed to end up here.”
Memory pulled the balcony doors open again, a soft breeze rushing in past her. The last sliver of orange sun kissed the horizon. She watched until it dropped from sight then stepped up onto the balustrade, balancing on the thin marble edge. “Later, Hope.”
Chapter 27
“Memory?” Eloryn’s voice reached her. “What are you doing?”
Eloryn, Roen, Clara, and Will ran up into the room, and the sight of them almost made Memory slip and fall. Her heart thundered and feet tingled until she steadied herself.
What am I doing? What the hell am I doing?
Memory simply looked at Will, confused.
“Will?” Memory asked. She sounded inebriated and didn’t know if it was her voice or hearing that was faulty. The whole world seemed to swim in her senses. “I thought you left me.”
Will edged toward her. “Why would I leave?”
Because of all the horrible things I said, and do, and am.
Will shook his head as though she’d said the words aloud. Did I?
“Mina took me away. I didn’t go through the door.”
A small fire of jealousy lit in Memory, a spark of passion in a body she’d thought had already lost all life. “You stayed for her.”
“Mem, please get down. What are you doing?” Eloryn pleaded.
Clara just watched with her hand over her mouth.
Memory couldn’t look them in the eyes, so she looked down at the ground so far below. “I’m removing a problem.”
“You’re not a problem.” Roen said, moving closer to her. “You’ve done so much good, inspired so much good, in me, in Eloryn, in Avall.”
Clara nodded. “And the lives of the poor in the city. I’ve never seen such caring.”
“You’re both wrong. I’m a bad person. I don’t belong – not here, not anywhere. Any good you’ve seen me do? Fake. I’m just trying to fit in but all that isn’t the real me. The kids at the shelter only like me because I give them money. Why do you think you like me, Roen? It’s because I look like Eloryn. Clara’s only around because looking after me is her job. The Council just wants to study me. Dylan was just following orders.” Memory ran her hands up through her hair, tugging at the purple strands. “The real me? I hurt people. I… kill people. My soul is broken. I might as well die. I know I murdered someone, and that was before Thayl’s ritual stole my soul. How much of a monster does that make me now?”
Eloryn seemed confused. “Your soul isn’t broken, Mem.” She smiled like that solved everything. “If it were, I would have known when I joined spirits with you. How do you think that was even possible? Thayl was wrong – he never understood magic. He just assumed the power he stole was your soul. It was just magic he stole, just pure magic tangled with your memories. Not your soul.”
Memory’s shoulders fell. She felt thin as paper. “This is what I am with a soul?” No.
If this was all there was to her – the complete package – her actions were always hers. The way people reacted to her, the wrongness of her, she had nothing to blame but herself. There were no excuses, no get-out clauses. No getting better.
Memory’s legs gave way beneath her. Her skirt billowing out behind her like a parachute trying to hold her in place. She could hear footsteps like thunder behind her as she fell into the wind.
Hands clutched at her, but she was already falling.
She could still feel arms around her and opened her eyes. The ground rushed up toward her, and dark brown hair blew into her face. Will tangled his limbs around her, trying to protect her from the fall, as though his own body would be shield enough to save her. His ice blue eyes remained fixed on her face.
Will. My Will.
Adrenaline flamed through Memory’s limbs, making her gasp. The deadly ground flew at them. She ripped a hole into the Veil. The two of them fell through.
Will landed first, still holding Memory above him. They crashed down hard on the stack of old mattresses. The top three mattresses split and burst on impact, spraying dust and downy feathers into the air.
The stuffing fell around them like snow, and Memory cried out as she tried to sit up. Her hand stung like fingers were broken. Will lay still beneath her, and she put her good hand on his chest, trying to stir him. The second she touched him, he opened his eyes and pulled himself up, dragging her into his lap and holding so tight her bruised limbs ached more.
“You’re an idiot to think I’d leave you. I would always be with you, if I could.” Will’s voice trembled, stopped and started, like each sentence was a strug
gle. “You make me so angry, but… but I could just die I love you so much. I’ve always wanted to be with you, when things are good or bad, no matter what color your hair is or where we are. My home is where you are.”
Memory clung back to Will, sobbing. The only person who knew her, that knew Hope and Memory, before and after, good and bad, and still accepted her.
He whispered into her neck. “I know you’re hurting. It would be insane if you weren’t after everything you’ve been through. There’s no quick fix, but I’ll be there for you. And you will be there for me, too, like you always have. You can’t take yourself away from me.”
And if he could accept her as is, maybe someday she could too.
“Will, I got my memories back. I remember it all. Everything.”
He shifted back to look into her eyes, searching. “Are you… okay?”
Memory giggled softly, shaking her head. She pointed to the balcony. “See exhibit A.”
“You will be. You will be okay.” Will brought her back into his arms.
Roen, Eloryn, and Clara stood watching them. Roen held Eloryn as she stared at Memory, crying. Memory tilted her head back as a welcoming gesture and they came to join the embrace.
Memory let the warmth of her friends bodies soak into her, bringing her back to life.
She’d failed them by refusing to believe they could care for her. She knew how wrong she’d been when she could feel it now in every tear that fell on her.
Even Hope, in her own way, cared so much.
Memory shook her head. Hope.
“Hope,” she whispered then spoke louder through the muffle of her friend’s embrace. “Then who is Hope?”
Eloryn, Will, Roen, and Clara let her go.
Memory wobbled her way off the mattresses, her legs shaky and sore. “Hope, come out. I know you’re out there!”
Clara looked at the others, confused. “Aren’t you Hope?”
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