Peirs had a sly half grin on his face, stretching the sandy freckled skin, as he kneeled in front of Memory. “Your Majesty. The position suits you well. As does the new hair color.”
“Quit it.” Memory swung a foot playfully at him. “Can I make a no kneeling rule?”
Peirs remained kneeling and became solemn. “You are worth kneeling for even if it means breaking the rules. You will be a fine queen.”
A swell of pride and worry clogged Memory’s throat. She had so much to live up to. “Just a title so far. Speaking of titles, I want you back as captain of the guard. I need you, Erec, and the people you trust out there removing Hayes’s loyalists from positions of power in the military. Right away, please. We need everyone to know things have changed before any more damage is done.”
Peirs stood and he and his brother bowed and turned to leave. Memory grabbed him by the arm. “Any news of Maeve and the kids? How are they doing?”
Peirs shook his head. “I lost contact with them when they were found by the militia and forced to move again.”
Memory frowned, but patted Peirs on the shoulder and let him leave. She turned back to the others. Beside her on the table was a small tray of her favorite foods. Memory knew they were from Clara, but hadn’t even noticed her come in and leave them there. Her stomach grumbled. She smiled inside at how Clara mothered her and predicted her needs. Bedevere continued to read his behest and Isabeth and Brannon were already writing notes on who they wanted to see as candidates for the government.
Eloryn had a pained look on her face. “There’s one more thing we will be required to do.”
“What?” Memory asked. Her brain was starting to get fuzzy. She was too tired and had already put so much effort into trying to do things right and get everything under control. What had she missed?
“There will need to be a public announcement about the change in rule.”
Memory winced. “But do we really have to? There’s enough confusion and disrespect going around because of our age and how we came back, and now we go and play swapsies for who is queen. Can’t we just, you know?” Memory mimed picking up a mat and sweeping under it. “I’ll just pretend like I’m you and nothing has changed. No one will have to know, right?”
Eloryn fought a smile. “I somehow think people would notice, even if we change your hair again. There will be no harm from this announcement. The people of Avall love you. You are their hero. When they think of me, they think only of my connection to Hayes and everything he did. When they think of you they think of the person who defeated Thayl, who has shown such courage, compassion and ingenuity in helping the homeless and fighting for equality.”
Memory groaned. “Fine. Okay. I’ll make an announcement. Just enough with the compliments. And I’m not all that popular. I haven’t been making any friends amongst the noble crowd with my efforts.”
Roen leaned back in his chair and shrugged. “Some of your efforts challenge their traditions. But a tradition is only that until you don’t do it anymore. People will learn, and grow, and it will be for the better.”
The full impact of being who she was started settling on Memory. She had that power now, to make great changes to this world. She desperately wanted to use that power well, and realized how many plans and dreams she had to improve the land for the people she now ruled. A smile spread slowly on her lips. “Maybe it is time to break some traditions.”
A faint glow of morning light had begun to show through the glass ceiling of the Round Room by the time Memory had reestablished enough stability to leave affairs in her advisors’ hands.
Eloryn and Roen walked Memory back to her room, arms linked and shuffling along together. Clara had returned as well. Memory wasn’t sure when. She blinked often, trying to keep her eyes open. Exhaustion had set in, aching in her temples and burning her muscles where adrenaline had been keeping her going since the tower collapse. Since she’d tried to take her own life. It all seemed like a distant dream.
Memory wanted to go to the Ivy Room, or what was left of it, to try and find Will, to see if he’d come back yet.
When she explained where she wanted to go, Eloryn just shook her head.
“He will come to you when he can,” she said.
Will he? Memory still wasn’t sure what their relationship was, or of how Will felt about her. He’d said he loved her, loved her so much he chased her off a balcony. How could he? How could anyone love me that much? Doubt settled like an uneasy sickness in her, its voice sounding like the voice of Hope. Not just the dark manipulations of the creature that had pretended to be her, but the voice of her past self, a self that was now part of her again. With her memories returned, Memory knew she used to be the kind of person who had no love for herself, and no concept that anyone could love her. Even she could see how much she had changed since coming to Avall, but the old, painful feelings remained. She was too tired then to process the discord of her past memories conflicting with her new identity. It wasn’t long ago that her affection for herself was so low she’d almost ended her life, but the spark of life remained, and she could feel it now wanting to grow. She didn’t want to doubt any more that anyone could love her. She wanted to allow herself to be loved and accept that she could be loved.
Memory’s heart rushed and she bit her lip hard at the thought that overwhelmed her. I don’t just want anyone to love me. I want Will to love me.
Eloryn and Roen had escorted Memory all the way to her bedroom before she blinked her vision clear again and saw where she was. Clara turned the bed down for her, fluffing the pillows more than a few times each as though she’d become stuck in some sort of loop.
Memory shook her head and her vision and speech blurred. “Can’t sleep yet. Still have talking about to do, about Provi-Hope.”
Roen locked Memory’s bedroom bi-fold doors into their fully open position. Yawning, he undid his top shirt button and slumped down into an armchair in the adjoining sitting room. “You can’t even talk straight anymore. You need to rest. Don’t you think we’ve done enough for one day?”
Eloryn picked up a purple velvet cushion from the lounge and curled up in an armchair beside Roen’s, cuddling the cushion under her chin like a teddy bear. “We’ll be right here.”
Memory was about to tell them to go back to their rooms and sleep themselves, but knew exactly why her friends were here, and why they weren’t giving her any privacy.
I tried to kill myself. The thought now felt surreal to Memory. She ached when wondering how it made her friends feel, to have almost lost her that way.
She smiled at how protective they were. If they weren’t a reason to keep living, she didn’t know what was. So many of the negative thoughts she’d been having had been whispered to her by Hope, and now she knew that Hope was just an imposter, everything seemed different, and better. Sunrise had broken fully and the new day looked glorious through Memory’s bedroom window. She kept smiling as her head hit the pillow and she instantly passed out.
When her eyelids rolled open again it was still daylight. Memory felt disoriented, with no idea how much time had passed. She was groggy, and so hungry it could have been a week later. At the end of her bed, Will sat cross-legged, staring through the diamond glass of the closed balcony windows.
He came back. Memory’s heart back-flipped.
Will had found a shirt somewhere, warm grey with a wide poet’s collar, but his feet were still bare. Memory moved to sit up and he turned to her. His eyebrows were low over his light blue eyes, his dark hair a wild mess the way she liked it.
He put a finger to his lips. Memory looked behind him. The doors between her bedroom and sitting room were still open, and she saw Roen and Eloryn, heads bowed, both fast asleep in their chairs.
“As much as I feel like I did, I’m guessing I haven’t slept for a century. What time is it? What day is it?” Memory whispered. She sat up on her pillow, leaning against the headboard while she stretched her arms up and arched her back.
&
nbsp; “Afternoon. Same day.” Will’s voice was also hushed. Even in a murmur it was a beautiful voice, always deep and strong, reminding Memory of how he used to sing when he was a boy. With all her past returned to her, the man that sat in front of her was now also so much the boy she used to know. Always ready to hide his fear to show off for her, take up her dares and challenges, and get into trouble with her. She’d been unkind to him back then, in the way a big sister would be to a weakly younger brother. The way he used to look up to her, idolize her, made Memory blush now. She felt their roles had been reversed. Will was her constant point of reference, always patient and loyal. She wanted to be like him; be with him.
Will shifted uncomfortably and Memory realized she’d been staring at him for way too long.
“I’m sorry I left with Mina,” he said.
“I’m sorry I tried to kill myself. Boom. I win the Sorry Game.”
Will’s smile was more of a frown.
“Too soon? Yeah, you’re right. Sorry… and that’s a Sorry Game DOUBLE VICTORY!” Memory whispered a crackling sound like applauding crowds.
Will gave her a patient look.
Memory gave him a cheesy grin in return. “Fine. Moving right along. What happened with Mina? I wasn’t a big fan of her jealous girlfae act,” Memory said.
“It’s not as simple as that.”
Swallowing away her embarrassment, Memory asked, “Do you… love her?”
Will remained quiet for some time, too long for the answer to be a clear no. “She saved my life, just like you did. But Mina doesn't do things selflessly.”
Memory remembered the time he meant about her, when she’d saved him from a bad fight with some bullies. “I didn't really save your life, you know. I probably just saved a few baby teeth.”
Will shrugged. “Either way, from then on, I was yours.”
Memory blushed so hard all over she felt ready to self-combust. The recollection of that day was so clear to Memory now. She hadn’t thought anything of the kid back then. Being honest with herself, she wasn’t sure if she’d stepped in to help Will or just because she wanted to get into a fight. When she’d chased the bullies off, young Will had looked up at her with those startling blue eyes, wide and grateful, like she was a hero. He really did think she’d saved his life, and even at that age he had these romantic and childish notions of repaying that debt. He became her shadow. He had been hers, from that moment on.
Memory looked at Will now, grown and having lived and suffered through so much. She didn’t know how she could ever repay Will, or live up to that. Maybe the only way was to become the hero he saw in her.
“Do you remember when Mr. Hindmarsh came out and found us together after the fight, after the others had run off?” Memory had a chuckle in her voice as she spoke. “He totally thought I was the one that whaled on you. When you denied it, he thought you were just embarrassed about getting thrashed by a girl.”
Will smiled and dropped his head bashfully. “You saved me, and got detention for it.” Looking up at her, his eyes searched her face. “You really have it back? All your memories?”
Memory tapped the side of her head. “Every last one. It’s massively screwed up. It’s not like just remembering a life normally. It’s like I just watched my whole life again on fast forward. I can even remember being a baby in hospital, recovering from the cut on my chest from the ritual. So vividly. I can remember… All sorts of things.” Memory put a hand to her chest, running her thumb over the ugly bumps of the old scar. “But I’m whole now. I feel like all of me again, the good and the bad. The only thing I need to do now is keep adding good into my life to balance the contents out a bit.”
“I hope I can help add to the good,” Will said.
“You already have.”
The way Will smiled then filled Memory with happiness even more.
The entrance door opened and Clara walked in, balancing a silver tray full of food.
Clara placed the tray down on a table in the living room, and the sound of jostling plates piled in hamburgers woke Roen and Eloryn. Memory didn’t ever remember discussing breakfast burgers with the chef, but there they were, neat little buns with bacon and eggs and a thick, chunky ketchup. She wondered whether it was the chef or Clara who’d been experimenting. Memory’s hunger returned and she smiled at Clara gratefully.
Memory threw her legs out of bed, and caught a foot on the covers as she tried to stand up. Before she could wobble or fall, Will caught her wrist to balance her.
He let go quickly. “Sorry.”
Memory reached out and squeezed his hand. “It’s okay. Don’t worry, it’s all about breaking rules these days. Those rules were Hope’s rules, anyway. Consider them gone.”
Taking quick stock of her appearance, Memory realized she was still in her old broken heart t-shirt and long skirt she’d changed into the day before. It felt like so long ago. She knew she probably stank, and was still covered in any dust that didn’t rub off in bed, but she needed to talk things out with her friends and didn’t want to take time out for a bath first. She also wanted to eat. Now.
She wandered into the living room. “Thanks for reading my mind, Clara.”
“Well, I know it’s well into the afternoon, but I thought you would all be in need of some comforting breakfast foods,” Clara said, with a neat curtsey. She’d been somewhat more proper and formal since their ordeal, and Memory worried she’d offended her somehow. “I’ve also seen to re-assigning the queen’s guard from Eloryn to yourself. Erec and his finest men are already outside.”
Memory groaned and rolled her eyes in a wide dramatic loop. “You of all people should know I don’t want guards trailing around behind me all the time.”
Clara raised her chin, looking more at the ceiling than at Memory. “You will simply have to tolerate it as best you can, Majesty. Who knows what threats there are to you out there? Dylan is still unaccounted for. That Hope creature is who knows what or where. We can’t have you wandering around unprotected. We can’t have you—”
Clara’s voice broke, and she turned away, but not fast enough to hide the tear on her cheek.
Memory dashed across the room and drew Clara into a tight hug. “I’m so sorry. You’re right. I’ll keep the guard. I won’t let anything happen to me, okay?”
Clara sniffled. “You’d better not.”
Roen stood up and stretched. “Indeed. I, for one, expect a written apology, and perhaps some form of ritualistic dance of penance.”
Eloryn smirked at him from her chair then addressed Memory seriously. “You did give us all a fright. We only want for you to be happy and well. And to know you can talk to us, if you need to, about anything.”
Memory tried to think of something absurd to talk to Eloryn about then and there, but knew it wasn’t the time to be flippant. She paused a moment, gathering together how she really felt, right then in time, how she felt about what she’d almost done, and how she felt about the future.
“There’s still a lot of pain inside me,” she said. “Enough that I know it’s going at be hard at times to keep going. But I’m not planning on doing anything rash. I know now that I’m whole. I’m not missing my memories. I’m not missing any part of my soul. This is me. It’s all I have to work with and for the first time in my life I want to work. I have so much in my life now to be grateful for. When I first got my old life back, I forgot all the good in my new life. It’s my turn now to work hard and be better.”
Memory looked around at all her friends. The pride she saw so clearly from them was everything she needed to stay strong. “So, let’s eat already!”
Memory picked up a burger and handed it to Will before taking one for herself. She took a seat on the floor between Eloryn and Roen’s armchairs. Clara began tidying the room, which was still in disarray after the fight between Will and Dylan, and Memory’s magical tremors. Memory scolded Clara until she came and joined the picnic on the floor. They each chewed their food silently for a while, until a
thought that had been plaguing Memory had to be voiced.
“Lory, is the Maellan family cursed at all? Have there ever been any mentions of a curse?” she asked.
“Not that I’ve heard of or read in my studies. Why?”
“It’s just that I’ve seen our family tree, and it seems to me that all Maellan die young. A lot of them before they even have children, which is why we’re pretty much the last of them, right? I mean, isn’t that a bit weird?”
“It’s true. I know some of the deaths have seemed suspicious, but there’s never been evidence to prove more than simple ill-fate, I’m afraid. It’s been that way since Arthur’s time, maybe even before, but since Arthur was a commoner there is no record of our family tree before him.”
“But what if there was something, or someone, out there, taking out some wicked huge grudge on all Maellan?”
“Only a fae could live long enough to be the sole cause. Which I admit isn’t unlikely. There were many fae who were in opposition to the Pact, especially in opposition to Arthur when he pushed to include Branding into the agreement.”
Memory nodded, her theories confirmed. “Providence. Providence was a fae, and I also think Providence was Hope. It was like everything she told me, everything she encouraged me to do was to punish me. She told me to be with Roen, which almost ruined our friendships. It was like she knew Dylan was using me and encouraged it to happen. She told me all the time that everyone hated me, and did everything she could to prove it.”
Eloryn reached out for Memory’s hand. “She was just trying to separate us, drive you against us so you had nothing left but her.”
Memory took her twin’s hand. “I think it was more than that. She wanted things from me, wanted me to do things, horrible things. She…” Memory winced at her sister, but it had to be said. Everyone had to know the full story. “She wanted me to kill you so I could become queen.”
“Queen, like you are now?” Roen asked. “Is that going to be a problem?”
“I don’t know. Maybe she just wanted to screw with my life as much as possible. Maybe she’s been doing it to all Maellan all this time.”
Memory's Wake Omnibus: The Complete Illustrated YA Fantasy Series Page 55