by Amy Daws
“Mom, you can’t. You can’t take that from her.”
“It’s already done, Leo,” she snapped, her brown eyes darkening. “The ballet world is unforgiving. She was lucky to be in it as long as she was. It was just a matter of time before her pedigree showed through.”
“Enough!” I hollered and the hordes of people moving around us backed away nervously. “God damn it! I can’t take any more of this shit!” I raked my hands through my hair in utter agony.
“Leonardo. You will not speak to me this way. I am still your mother. You need to remember where you come from.”
“I can’t forget.” I groaned, feeling suddenly weak, like my legs could give out any second. “I am constantly reminded and all of it…all of it…makes me sick to my stomach.”
A moment of hesitation flitted over my mother’s face and for a second, I thought she might have finally cracked.
Just as quickly as her emotional shield went down, it flew right back up. “Go back to your brothers, Leonardo. It’s where you belong.” She touched her pearls and twirled on her shoes.
“I don’t know where I belong,” I whispered as I watched my mother stride quickly away from me.
CHAPTER 25 ~ Adeline
My dance partner and I had been featured in the New York Times, the bonus being a headline that my parents would be proud of. A full page photo in the publication—it was proof that I was as strong and as talented as people claimed me to be. My persistent determination to be the best had finally paid off when one of the most prestigious ballet companies on the east coast offered me a gig…
So why was I trapped in a never-ending nightmare?
Every dream I’d ever prayed for came true, but at an outlandish price. A tabloid corrupted the headlines I only wished of. My heart had to break for me to find love. And my career that was being dangled overhead cost me too dearly to accept.
After the audition with Focal Pointe, I slammed my apartment door shut with my back and dug out my phone. My fingers flew over the numbers. I released a breath of air that I’d been holding when Leo answered. The show he’d put on was unacceptable; it could have cost me everything!
But it didn’t.
Now, when I closed my eyes, all I could see was his tormented face. The ache in my chest suffocated me the longer I dwelled on whatever it was that was bothering him. I wanted to wipe away all that pain. I could be that person for him. I knew it. He just needed to trust me enough to open up. He was holding onto something big, something that plagued him.
“Adeline.” My name fled from his lips like it was a goodbye.
“Don’t,” I begged. The one word came out as a gasp.
“We can’t be together.”
“In what world?” I couldn’t believe that he’d throw this all away. It couldn’t just have been Ivan’s lingering hands and that kiss after our dance. It had to be more! “Please, just listen to me! It’s not like this with anyone else. It’s just you!”
The line was silent for so long, I glanced at my phone to ensure the call hadn’t disconnected.
“It’s over…”
My world drowned in a flood of tears. A high-pitched ring blocked out Leo’s confession of it being over. Exhaustion consumed my body. I didn’t know how long he’d talked for. The length of time he spoke didn’t matter. He refused to listen. He was adamant that I meant nothing to him.
Desperate to convince him otherwise, I scrambled inside my heart to find the braveness that I lost after the Blake disaster. Before I had a chance to reach my bravado and utter those important words that I had already been feeling from the moment I danced for him…
The call ended.
“I love you,” I whispered too late.
The phone slipped from my hand. In a matter of days, I understood what it meant to love and to break. All day, I’d been pushed to my breaking point. I thought when I finally broke; it would be on the dance floor, not curled on the floor of my apartment. Never in my wildest dreams did I think the fall would hurt so badly.
I dug my nails in further, wishing that the physical pain would overshadow the hurt in my heart. I pounded my fists against the door, wishing the slivers would cut deeper. Yet, my hands didn’t bleed prolifically enough to overcast the splinters in my heart. My body betrayed me, giving out before the door. I slipped to the floor and thought about everything and nothing at the same time.
Yesterday, I understood what it felt to cherish.
Today, I was consumed with misery.
Surrounded by all my worldly possessions, I never felt as poor as I did in that moment. It had nothing to do with things, but rather the matters of the heart. My fingers were numb. My legs were limp. Exhaustion threatened to overtake me.
I didn’t remember pushing myself up from the floor or walking into my bathroom. I didn’t recognize my reflection—even before I beat my fists into the glass. I didn’t remember turning on my bathtub. I didn’t remember getting in.
I didn’t know how much time passed before Ivan came racing in. His mouth was moving, but I couldn’t hear him over the ringing in my ears. He turned off the faucet. Water was slipping over the sides, pooling on the floor. He threw a handful of towels on the floor and then pulled me from the tub. My soaked clothes hung to my frame. Nothing registered. Everything I’d fought for no longer mattered.
“Fuck, the water is freezing!” Ivan grabbed me under my legs and shouted at me. I just stared forward. He slapped me.
“Did you take something?” he yelled.
I shook my head. How could I be so gutted after a handful of days? Why was everything so raw? I leaned against his chest as he rocked me in his arms. When feeling returned, I shook.
My voice was raw like I’d been screaming. “Why is it so hard to love me?”
Ivan tightened his grip on me. “You aren’t the problem, Addy girl… I love you.”
“He doesn’t.”
***
That night, I fell asleep in Ivan’s arms, curled on his bed because I couldn’t bear to lay on my futon—it smelled too much of Leo. The next morning I woke in Ivan’s apartment. He was already awake, making coffee. The brew reminded me of when Leo took me to the Manhattan Diner; of him blowing on his cup. I couldn’t have been happier in that moment.
That Adeline was naive. She should have put a little more distance between her and Leo. This Adeline knew better. Love was sinister and would stab you in the heart when you least expected it.
I joined Ivan at his table and stared at the coffee cup he’d placed in front of me. “Ivan, you need to talk to Higgins and let her know you’re stayin—”
“No,” he said without waver. “You’re the best thing for me and I for you, Addy girl. I’m sorry that things…that I got out of hand after our Nickleback performance, but I do love you and we are a team.”
Unable to hold his intense gaze, I stared at my hands and wished someone would have told me that misery was love’s evil twin. It wasn’t hate. Love and hate were mirror images of each other. Misery was much more destructive.
“I can’t afford the life I want to live, Ivan.”
“Yes, you can.” He sat down beside me. “Stay here with me. Sublet your apartment.”
Math was impossible to do right now. My head wasn’t on straight. Paying half the rent, I’d barely be able to get groceries. I was certain the super would find out about the water damage from the tenant below me. With as much that had spilled over, it had to be dripping from their ceiling.
“That’s not a permanent solution.” I wished I could take Ivan up on his offer. I needed the help, and while I wasn’t opposed to it, the idea of living with my dance partner day in and day out…seeing him before, during, and after practices, it would destroy our relationship. There had to be another way. “I’ll think of something.”
“Thank God, because I make a terrible roommate,” Ivan joked, tucking my hair behind my ear. “You’re going to amount to great things.”
Distantly, I heard pounding on a door in
the hallway. It wasn’t Ivan’s. It was mine. Leo! I wished that I hadn’t raced to the door…because I didn’t see the man I’d fallen for…
…well, not the latest one.
I said, “Good morning, Blake.”
CHAPTER 26 ~ Leo
“Hey man, you coming to class?” Chase asked from somewhere in my bedroom.
I couldn’t see him because I was face down on my bed taking warm, short breaths through the pillow. It was suffocating, but a welcome change to ache I felt everywhere else.
I pressed my hands against the mattress and pushed myself up so I was facing him. “Yeah. Gym after?”
He flopped himself down onto the leather chair by my window. “Um…sure. Dude, didn’t you work out this morning too? You’ve been working out a shit ton lately.”
I shot him a hard look. He lifted his hands up in surrender just as my phone vibrated. My hands trembled as I grabbed it off my bedside table. Adeline’s name illuminated the screen. I pressed silence and harshly tossed it back onto the end table.
“She’s still calling?” Chase asked, concern cast over his face.
I nodded silently.
Chase flinched. “You’re still not gonna pick up?” His face was somber, like he thought I was going to break down bawling at any second.
“Chase…”
“This is dumb, Leo. At least listen to her voice mails. Damn!” He chuckled sadly to himself. “The girl is a fighter, I’ll give her that.”
He has no idea.
“Look man,” Chase sighed, “The fraternity is throwing a kegger tonight and you need to come. It’ll help get your mind off of her. I don’t understand why you’re doing this to yourself, but can you at least come out of your room, or not go to the gym and have a beer with your buddy?”
His somber expression meant I must have looked like death. I nodded subtly and his shoulders relaxed with a big sigh.
“Another thing… I didn’t want to show you this…but you’ll see it eventually. I figured it would be better coming from me.”
Pulling something out of his back pocket, he eyed me sadly and placed a copy of the New York Post on my bed beside me. He walked out of my room and I grabbed the paper. My heart lurched at the photo of Adeline and Ivan on the cover. Damn she looked good. I squinted to read the small caption below.
Former Joffrey students, Adeline Parker and Ivan Sceeter, signed on as principal dancers with NYC dance company, Focal Pointe. Their debut performance is said to be a military tribute piece.
I read further and saw that Focal Pointe was some contemporary ballet Dance Company that specialized in modern infusion, blending different styles with the disciplined practices of ballet. They were apparently breaking all the rules of classical ballet companies.
It sounded fucking perfect for Adeline.
Seeing this headline just reinforced everything I’d done. For over a week now, I had been ignoring Adeline’s calls. She called me every day since I last spoke to her on the phone on that awful day where everything in my life just went to shit.
I couldn’t believe she wanted anything to do with me after the scene I caused at Joffrey. The fact that my actions could affect her career and her livelihood. It broke me. Someone like me…someone like Blake…could ruin someone like her with very little effort.
Once upon a time, I wanted to believe I was nothing like Blake. I wanted to believe I was better than him. Better than the Brotherhood of the Gold. I wanted to believe I would never hurt her. But I wasn’t.
She didn’t see that. When it came to her heart, she had blinders on. She gifted that part of her so easily to me because it came naturally to her. Every time she put on those pointes, she left it all out on the dance floor. I wasn’t going to let her leave it with me. It was too much. She deserved better. So much fucking better. If she let me back in her life…it’d only be a matter of time before my lifestyle, and my world ruined everything she fought so hard to get.
I nearly lost all my resolve when I called her and told her we were nothing. It pained me to say those words, but I had to. I wanted to run back to her the second I heard her breath hitch on a stifled sob. Her hoarse sob reverberated over and over in my dreams, in my head, in my heart.
In what world?
No three words could have crippled me more. It killed me to hang up on her, but I had to. If I listened to her cry a minute more, I would have crumbled with her.
She didn’t understand. Blake and I were one and the same. Cut from the same cloth. Brothers…above any other.
As sadistic as I was, I actually looked forward to her daily calls. The voicemail notification would ping and it made me feel connected to her still somehow…even if I never could bring myself to listen to them. They were all a part of my new routine. Every day I went through the motions of going to class. But really, I only went to class so I could work out afterwards. Often times my workouts would stretch out for two to three hours, and I would puke from over exertion. The days that class started late, I would pick up two-a-day work outs. The ache I felt in my muscles walking to class annoyingly reminded me of how hard I was pushing myself away from what I wanted. But I couldn’t stop.
Every push up, every lap, every bench press, every sit up…I told myself that Adeline Parker was better off without me and my fucked up shit with the Gold.
Seeing her in the paper made my stomach roil. I wanted to tear this damn paper to shreds. But at the same time, I wanted to keep it forever. The picture on the front page was of Adeline and Ivan on stage. She was in his hands above his head as they posed in some ridiculously complex ballerina maneuver. In another shot, Ivan’s arm was draped casually over Adeline’s shoulders as they smiled happily at the director of the studio. Her brown hair was soft and loose down her back, so different from the prima buns you’d see at Joffrey rehearsals. She looked good, a little thinner but good. Her clear eyes were just the tiniest bit sad, but that was probably just wishful thinking on my part.
I wanted her hurt to show as painfully as mine did.
Since leaving Joffrey, I’d been attempting to minimize what we had and convince myself that it was all in my head. Answering her calls would just prolong the inevitable. We were hardly together, so what was there to discuss?
Who was I kidding?
Images of her dance with Ivan flashed in my mind and ached with a depth I had never experienced. She appeared so connected to him, so into him, so in love with him. It made me crazy thinking about all the shit I had gotten in my head about how special we were. Waking up on that park bench with her, watching her sleep on her futon. I had actually fooled myself in to believing we might be more. Was I that fucking crazy?
Maybe so. Maybe it didn’t even matter. Being with Adeline Parker was going to be too hard. Our worlds were too different and we had too many people working against us. My family, Blake, the Gold. This was for the best. For everyone.
I just wish it didn’t hurt so fucking much.
***
Music thumped loudly from downstairs. The latest Gamma Phi party was in full swing. I had snagged a six-pack and was drinking by my awesome self in my bedroom for the last two hours. I’d promised Chase I’d come down, but the idea of facing everyone made me sick. So I figured, the foggier my gaze was, the more likely I could make good on my promise.
I just finished my sixth beer when someone knocked on my door.
“Leo! You in there?” Chase cracked my door and peeked inside.
He found me flopped comfortably down in my armchair. I squeezed the empty beer can and tossed it onto the floor to join the others. He followed the path to my little beer cemetery.
“Drinking without me, huh?” Chase asked.
“I needed reinforcements to face the motley crew that is Gamma Phi.”
“Hey, we’re not all bad.” He sat down at the foot of my bed. “You sure you’ve just had the beers?”
“I may have had some pulls,” I mumbled, pulling out my gold flask from the pocket of my jeans. With a dopey smile
on my face, I flashed it at him.
He took it from me and smelled it. “Oof, whiskey. Nice choice. You ready to go down?”
“Yep. I’m ready. Do I look good?” I hauled myself out of the chair and stumbled. I straightened my olive green long sleeve t-shirt. It buttoned part way down the chest, and I left it open a few buttons, revealing some of my chest. “Trying to show off my new physique.”
“Yeah dude, you look good. You on the rebound already?” Chase asked, putting a hand on my shoulder to steady me.
I frowned. The idea of touching another woman shot pains throughout my body. “No, not rebound. Just being realistic about where I belong.”
His eyes squinted. “You belong wherever the fuck you want to belong, Richards. Beside me, for one.”
“You single and ready to mingle?”
He chuckled. “Hey man, I love you…but you don’t want me. I’m a terrible dancer.”
My heart constricted at his mention of dancing and instantly a pair of fishnet covered legs flashed in my mind’s eye.
“Come on bro, you need some air.” He put his arm around my back and led me downstairs to join the throngs of people already in full party mode. Maybe this wouldn’t be so bad after all. The more people I was around, the less likely I was to think of…
Nope. Not going there.
As we descended the last few steps, a large crowd of people hung out in the foyer, dancing to the club-like music. It was the only place in the fraternity not covered with furniture so it was our makeshift dance floor at these types of parties. The lights were dimmed and a spinning ball shot colored beams all over as the dancers lost themselves to the music. I felt a pang as I thought about the fact that I had still never had a chance to dance with Adeline.
I hit the bottom step and my heart fell when a familiar female figure filled the doorway. My heart clenched as I squinted my eyes and wished for the figure I wanted to see instead of the one I knew it was. When we finally stopped and I opened my eyes fully, I was pummeled by the sight of Sasha and Felicia strolling toward us.