“Busy.” Busy was true—although the first word that came to mind was “lonely.”
“I know the feeling,” Mo said. “But I haven’t been so busy that I didn’t miss you.”
That was all Mo—sweet and honest. No pretenses. Kate hoped her face wouldn’t betray how the words touched her. “I missed you too.”
“Did you fly in this weekend? I heard a bunch of flights were cancelled with that storm in the Midwest.”
“Luckily I missed that.” Guilt tightened Kate’s chest. “I came back two weeks ago.”
“Oh, I thought…” Mo’s brow furrowed.
Kate wished then that she’d called Mo from the airport like she’d wanted. “I’ve been slammed with this new project and haven’t had time to meet up with anyone—”
“You don’t need to explain,” Mo interrupted. “I’m happy you made time to hang out with me tonight.”
A silence stretched between them. Kate crossed her ankles and then uncrossed them a moment later. Even if they weren’t as close as they once were, Mo was still her friend. She deserved the truth—or as much of it as Kate could tell her.
“I almost texted you the moment I stepped off the plane. I wanted to ask you to meet me at the dog park. Peeves missed you. But then I thought about your girlfriend…”
Kate looked at Mo’s folded hands, longing to reach across the table to caress the stretch of smooth skin on the back of her hand. But a friend wouldn’t do that. She looked up and met Mo’s gaze.
“I did a lot of thinking in Denver. I know it’s my fault we aren’t as close as we used to be, but I don’t want another one of your girlfriends blaming me for problems in your relationship.”
“That’s fair. But what happened with me and Tanya wasn’t your fault. I screwed up with her all on my own.”
Although Tanya had been the most outspoken, more than one of Mo’s girlfriends had complained about the closeness of their friendship. And Kate couldn’t in good conscience say that nothing was going on—at least on her end. For her part, Mo never crossed any lines.
“Anyway Chantal’s different. She’s used to doing her own thing and having her own friends. I know she’d want me to see you. And Peeves. I miss that little booger. How is my little man?”
“Ornery as ever. He got all excited when I mentioned I was meeting you and then refused to eat his dinner when I dropped him off at the apartment.”
“You should have brought him here. I can get him to do anything, you know.”
Kate knew Mo was right. Peeves might be her dog, but he loved Mo more. “Next time.”
“So…is work the only reason you didn’t tell me you were in town? I get the feeling something else is bothering you.”
Mo’s tone was gentle and Kate felt a fresh pang of guilt. “I’m just being weird. Like always.”
Mo studied her for a minute. Finally she said, “Okay, good. I was worried that six months in Denver would make you normal.”
“No chance.”
Kate wanted to tell her everything then—how nothing was right in her life without her, how their old apartment smelled like patchouli and that she’d lit a whole pack of matches trying to kill the scent of the hippies they’d sublet the place to, how she’d wanted so much more than a hello hug, and how she didn’t want to walk out of this restaurant alone. She was so tired of being alone. But she couldn’t say any of that.
Kate unrolled her napkin and pretended to be interested in setting out her utensils. “Are you excited about Cozumel? Chantal’s coming, right?”
“She can’t make it. Her boss scheduled some big meeting in London that same week and he’s insisting she go with him. I think she should learn how to say no, but she’s trying to move up in the company. Anyway, I don’t think she wanted to go to Cozumel.”
“Why not?”
“I don’t know… She doesn’t really do sand.”
“Seriously?”
Mo nodded and laughed. “She’s totally high maintenance.”
Kate squelched the hope that Mo and her girlfriend weren’t on solid footing. Even if they broke up, Mo wasn’t going to turn around and suddenly notice her.
“Well, I’m sorry she can’t go.” It wasn’t a lie. Now her decision on the trip was suddenly more complicated. If she went, she’d have more time with Mo. But how much time could she handle when she was stuck pretending their friendship was platonic?
“She said she’ll find a way to make it up to me.” Mo shrugged. “Julia mentioned that you still hadn’t decided if you’re going. Anything I can say to convince you?”
Kate felt her cheeks get hot. There was plenty Mo could say. “It’s not great timing for my work either. I’ve had a lot of things pile up while I was focused on the Denver project.”
“I heard vacations make you more productive. Don’t make me cite the source, but I’m sure it’s true.” Before Kate could argue that she didn’t have time to be more productive, Mo continued, “I was up in Davis last weekend, and Carly and Bryn said I had to find a way to get you to say yes cause they wanted both of their aunties in Mexico. Julia told me she was planning on guilting you into it by bringing up the fact that you missed Thanksgiving and Christmas with them.”
“She’s such a mom.” Kate needed a minute to think. Could she say yes to Cozumel and not cross any lines?
“How’s your mom by the way? Eileen still complaining about how San Francisco made you bi?”
“She wasn’t exactly upset that I moved to Denver. I think she hoped I’d suddenly fall for a cowboy. When I told her I was taking a break from dating men she got all upset and sent me tickets to Vegas to go see ‘Thunder from Down Under’ with her.”
Mo chuckled. “Tell me you have pictures of that.”
“I didn’t go. I told her if she wanted to see a bunch of naked men dancing she should come to a Pride parade with me.”
“Oh, man, can you imagine? Eileen’s mind would be blown.”
“I keep telling her that she’d love a drag show.” Kate knew she’d never get her mom to a gay hairdresser let alone a drag show but that didn’t stop her. “What good is it being gay if you can’t mess with your conservative parents?”
“You’re calling yourself gay now?”
“You know I hate labels.”
“I love labels. I even bought myself one of those label makers for work. I label the shit out of everything.” Mo winked. “You didn’t exactly answer the question about Cozumel.”
“You’re right.” And she still wasn’t ready. “How’s your mom?”
“I told her we were having dinner tonight and she said I had to give you a hug.”
Mo had lucked out in the mom department. Not only was Shirley okay with Mo being gay, she was supportive and loving to nearly everyone who crossed her path. Early on, Kate had talked to her about her eating issues. She’d never been brave enough to talk to Mo about it and Shirley had promised not to say anything. She’d kept her word all these years.
“She also wanted me to tell you that her offer still stands for a Spades rematch,” Mo added.
“She kicked my butt last time. Both of you did.” Kate laughed, remembering the last game that they’d played. Having to learn the three-person variation on the usual game had been her excuse for why she’d lost miserably. “So was that hug that you gave me when you came in from your mom or from you?”
Mo seemed momentarily taken aback. She stumbled for an answer. “Both?”
“I don’t know if you can count that hug as one of Shirley’s hugs…they’re pretty amazing. She makes you feel like you’re loved all the way down to your pinky toes.”
“You saying my hug was wussy in comparison?”
Kate rocked her head side to side. “A little.”
Mo laughed. “For that, you get another hug before we leave.”
“Maybe you should call your mom for pointers first.” At least she’d be prepared for the second hug. Hopefully her body would behave.
“Don’t think I hav
en’t already sent Mom a text.”
Kate wanted a picture of Mo’s smile in that moment. The mischievous look was so reminiscent of old times that it was almost as if the past year hadn’t happened. Maybe they could get back to where they’d been before she’d started thinking there was a chance for something more. As long as she kept her head screwed on right and didn’t pay any attention to how sexy Mo was when her tongue slipped across her lips…
Mo reached for her water glass again. “Why are we drinking water when they have your favorite Cabernet here?”
Because I didn’t want to need wine to face you. Kate wondered what Mo’s reaction would be if she voiced her thought aloud. Not willing to find out, she said, “It’s a new health fad I’m trying. Don’t worry. It won’t last.”
Mo chuckled. “Now tell me how Denver was—really.”
Kate could admit that she’d been lonely and miserable. Or she could go with a partial truth. “Exhausting. Thank God the work was rewarding.”
“Most of us just want to make a difference in this world. But you actually do it.”
“Look who’s talking. That’s what HeroToday is all about.”
“I’m only a computer nerd.”
Kate raised an eyebrow. “Like I said, we seriously need to work on you accepting compliments.” Instead of arguing that all she did was convince rich people to part with their money so others could do the real work, she said, “People want to make a difference. Some days I feel like humanity has hope.”
“There’s a chance for us,” Mo said, nodding.
Kate reached for her water glass, hoping Mo wouldn’t see her reaction. A chance for humanity—not for the two of them sitting at a small cafe with her aching to reach across the table—was what she’d clearly meant. “I like to think so.”
She thought then of all the questions she’d stopped herself from asking Mo over the past several months. Mostly she wanted to know if Mo was happy, but the question sounded ridiculous even in her own mind. Mo had that rare ability to make the best of any situation and always claimed to be happy. Besides, if she wasn’t happy that didn’t mean that she needed Kate.
“So are you dating anyone?”
That was one question Kate had hoped Mo wouldn’t ask. “No one serious since Ethan. I mean, I’ve tried going on dates but…there’s a learning curve when you switch from men to women. It’s been a heck of a year.” She took another sip of water and tried to laugh away the tension, but the water caught in her throat and she half choked. When she could breath again, she cleared her throat. “And I sound like a frog. Maybe that’s the problem.”
“Maybe you’re kissing too many frogs.”
“I don’t think that’s it.” She coughed again and tears welled. Dammit. At least Mo would think her eyes were only watering. She looked up at the fan, hoping the emotion would pass quickly.
“You okay?”
“Yeah, I’m fine. Should have ordered wine.”
Mo laughed.
Kate rubbed her eyes and cleared her throat again. In the few texts they’d exchanged, she’d avoided telling her about any dates mostly because there wasn’t much to say. She worried now what Mo would think of her paltry dating history. “The truth is there hasn’t been much kissing. I haven’t let anyone get past the first coffee date.”
“Want to talk about why?”
Kate met Mo’s gaze, the answer nearly slipping from her lips.
“Chicken with extra parmesan?”
Mo smiled up at the waitress. “That’s me.”
Mo’s panini smelled like heaven. Kate tried not to feel let down as the waitress set a veggie panini in front of her. Even with the pesto sauce, grilled veggies weren’t as appealing as chicken layered with parmesan and artichokes. Picking up her fork, she started in on her salad, hoping Mo would forget her earlier question.
“Ty says hi, by the way,” Mo said. “He texted me when I was in traffic and I told him you were back.”
Kate hadn’t seen Mo’s brother Tyrone in over a year, but she kept up with him and his family on Facebook. She doubted that Mo knew this, however. For all of her computer savvy, she wasn’t much on social media. “I miss those Sunday night dinners we used to have at his house. If I could cook like Claire…”
“I told Ty he’s getting chubby. Claire’s a little too good of a cook. And you should see the boys. They’re so big.” Mo reached for her phone. “Do you remember that time we took Michael to Fairyland? I think he was three or four. He’s six now… He asked me the other day if we can go back. I couldn’t believe he even remembered.”
Mo held up her phone. “As for Jamal…” A plump-faced toddler grinned at the camera as his older brother gave him a hug. Neon blue frosting was smeared on both of their lips. “This was at his birthday. He turned two last week.”
“I know,” Kate admitted. “I sent him a little present.”
Mo looked up from the screen. “You remembered his birthday?”
“It’s on my calendar.” Kate tried not to take offense at the surprise in Mo’s voice. “I hope it was okay for me to send him something.”
“Yeah, of course…” Mo’s voice trailed.
“I mean, I’m his godmother. And I’m friends with Ty and Claire on Facebook. You should see some of their posts about the kids. They’re hilarious.” Kate stopped talking when she saw the expression on Mo’s face. Was she jealous that she’d kept up contact with her brother? “Are you mad?”
“No. It’s fine. Why wouldn’t you be friends with them? I just feel like we’ve lost touch, but you’re keeping up with my brother, which is a little weird.”
Mo was definitely upset. Kate shifted in her seat. “I temporarily moved. I didn’t drop off the face of the planet—”
“It just felt that way.” Mo looked down at her plate and then added, “I didn’t realize how much I’d miss you.”
Mo’s tone stopped Kate. It was no declaration of love. Mo had missed her, like any friend would. Still her words brought a mix of guilt and satisfaction. Kate had wanted Mo to miss her, but she felt worse acknowledging that.
“When you left, my mom asked me what I did. She likes you better than anyone I’ve ever dated. She and Chantal don’t exactly get along.”
“I’ll call her and tell her you didn’t do anything wrong. I went to Denver for work.”
“If it was only work, why didn’t you tell me when you got back two weeks ago?”
And there it was. Kate wanted to answer, but she couldn’t. Holding back the truth had started that first day in college. She couldn’t tell Mo what she was thinking then, and nothing had changed since.
“Whatever I did, I’m sorry.”
“You didn’t do anything, Mo. It was all me.” Kate hoped Mo wouldn’t press her to say more.
“In that case, I think you should come to Cozumel. It won’t be any fun without you. And you owe me.”
“I owe you?”
“Yes. After all, I had to go almost six months wondering what I did to make my best friend leave town.”
Kate didn’t answer. She didn’t trust herself not to burst out with some stupid truth that she’d held in for way too long. What was worse—spending a week in Cozumel and still not telling Mo how she felt or missing the chance to be with her?
Mo picked up her knife and cut her sandwich in half. “We both know you wanted to order this. I’ll share it if you say yes.”
“To going to Cozumel? Really? You’re trying to bribe me with half a sandwich?”
“I know you pretty well.” Mo held the plate in front of Kate. “What do you say?”
Chapter Three
By three in the morning, Kate still wasn’t asleep. No amount of tossing and turning could quiet her mind, and her stomach was still reeling from the ice cream and wine. After she’d left Mario’s, she’d swung by the grocery store for a pint of Ben and Jerry’s and a Cabernet. She hadn’t planned on finishing either, but old habits came back too easy. Old habits…
Kate pushed
away a wave of nausea and switched on the bedside light. Resolved to at least finish the emails she’d skipped when leaving work early, she got out her laptop. Peeves grumbled from his bed in the corner of the room.
“Sorry, buddy. Can’t sleep.”
After a minute of staring her down, Peeves stood up, stretched, and slunk out of the bedroom, likely intent on snuggling up on the living room couch. He was as persistent about sleep as he was about treats. Kate only wished her life was as simple. As she waited for her laptop to power on, she fought back a yawn. Her morning schedule included a meeting with a CFO she’d been courting for a large gift for over two months and yet, even without sleep, she wasn’t worried about that.
Instead, her mind was fixated on Mo. She was the last thing Mo needed but that didn’t change how much she wanted to be back in her world. If only she could use Cozumel to prove that she could do that as a friend. Unfortunately, all through dinner her hormones had reminded her how much she’d wanted to reach across the table and touch Mo’s hand. And that was only the beginning of what she wanted to do.
When they’d said goodbye, Mo had given her the promised second hug. Kate had let herself enjoy it way too much. Nothing screamed “more than a friend” than when your nipples hardened at what should have been innocent contact. But she couldn’t help it. She was tired of fighting her body’s reaction to Mo. What good had fighting it done?
Then again, letting her body decide things hadn’t gone well either. Over a year had passed since the near-kiss that had almost ruined everything. Kate thought back to the Hawaii trip and her insecurities resurfaced along with the guilt.
At first it was perfect. Kate was engaged to Ethan then and Mo was with Tanya, but they’d gone to Hawaii without their respective partners. Julia, Kate and Mo—three friends in Hawaii for two weeks.
Then Julia met Reed. As Julia’s romance flared, Kate and Mo were suddenly spending every day and night together. It was during that time that Kate realized her attraction to Mo was always going to be there no matter who she was engaged to. But she tried to ignore it.
One night she messed everything up. She was alone with Mo watching TV after a long day at the beach. It was late and the pitcher of piña coladas they’d made was empty, but Mo didn’t mention going to bed. Kate’s sunburn started to itch so she got out a tube of aloe and twisted around trying to reach the middle of her back.
All the Reasons I Need Page 3