“I could use a glass of wine. And you’re probably right—it won’t get any easier.”
“We’ll leave at seven and catch a taxi to the ferry,” Terri said. “The ferry takes us to the mainland. From there, we meet up with a tour guide and take a van to Tulum.”
As Terri detailed the private tour of Tulum that she’d planned for the group, Kate dared a quick glance at Mo. She was sitting on the other side of the table from her and although she’d been quiet for most of the meal, it wasn’t clear if she was sad or tired. If she’d spent the day scuba diving, she was probably exhausted.
“After the tour guide takes us through the ruins, we’ll have a few hours to ourselves to look around,” Terri continued. “Meals aren’t included, but we can get a sack lunch from the resort…”
Terri had their entire day accounted for, which would have been fine except it meant that there was no chance of avoiding Mo unless Kate missed the whole trip. As much as Kate had been looking forward to seeing Tulum, now she was debating if faking a food-borne illness would be enough to get her out of it.
Mo had yet to look her way, and despite the fact that Kate had purposefully chosen the seat between Carly and Bryn, even the twins’ antics weren’t enough to distract her. Kate pictured the sidewalk in front of Reed’s house, imagined Mo drawing a heart with her name, and then promptly wished she’d never heard that story. If Mo had moved on, maybe that sidewalk drawing had happened before she’d made that decision.
Kate picked at the whitefish fillet whose name she couldn’t pronounce. Next to the fish was a mountain of nachos complete with beans, seasoned beef, sliced habaneros, and queso that Carly had insisted on putting on her plate. She was hungry, but she couldn’t seem to swallow the bites that went in her mouth without a lot of effort.
“Do you think we’ll be able to swim? I pulled up some pictures of Tulum online and it looks like there’s a beach that you can walk to,” Mo said.
Mo’s voice pulled Kate out of her own thoughts. She looked up without thinking, but Mo’s face was turned to Terri. Thankfully. Kate had already asked Julia about sleeping in the twins’ room again tonight. She couldn’t imagine sleeping in Mo’s bed again.
“The ruins are on the cliffs above the water and from what I can tell, there’s a staircase that goes down to the beach. It looks like it’s easy to get down there.”
“Perfect.”
Kate looked down at her nachos. She picked up a chip, the edges crisp and the middle gooey with melted cheese, and then set it down again. She’d only regret the calories later. She took a sip of wine and tried to pay attention to Bryn’s story about stubbing her toe on a rock.
After Bryn’s story, Terri brought up the idea of going to the resort’s evening entertainment—a live game show complete with a mariachi band and a couple of acrobats. Mo seemed interested, and soon the two of them were handing their plates to the servers and standing up.
When they’d gone, Kate felt a mix of relief and let down. She hadn’t expected Mo to say anything to her, but she’d figured she’d at least look in her direction. As the twins launched into an argument for why they should be allowed to stay up late and go to the game show, Kate turned to Julia. “I’m going to grab a change of clothes for tomorrow.”
“Sure, sweetie. We’ll be home soon… No chance these kids are staying up late tonight.”
The lights were off at Mo’s bungalow, which was a good sign. Not trusting fate, however, Kate knocked. When there was no answer, she let herself into the room. Julia had collected a few of her things yesterday so she hadn’t had to face Mo. Thankfully in addition to some clothes and her purse, Julia had snagged her room key as well. Now with Mo at the game show, Kate could slip in and grab another outfit.
She didn’t bother switching on the lights. The drapes were pulled open and the window was cracked to let in the evening breeze. In the porch light glow, she could see the bed, neatly made, and that Mo had tidied up some of the clutter around the room.
She went to the bathroom and gathered up her remaining toiletries along with a bathing suit she’d hung to dry. The closet was as she’d left it, not surprising since Mo hadn’t hung up any of her clothes, and it didn’t take long to pick out an outfit for Tulum—shorts and another tank top since Terri had promised that the weather would be hot.
She stuffed everything into an oversized purse she’d brought especially for the beach as the game show announcer’s voice filtered into the room. The Spanish words blared from a loudspeaker somewhere on the resort property, distorted and unclear but still loud. She wondered if she’d understand him if she were closer to the stage. Her Spanish needed work. But of course that wasn’t why she’d opted out of the evening’s entertainment. She thought of Terri and Mo hanging out together and reminded herself that she didn’t want to waste energy on jealousy. Besides, she liked Terri and at the moment, she didn’t want to be around Mo. Going to Tulum with everyone wasn’t going to be easy. She swung her bag on her shoulder and stepped outside.
“What the…!”
Mo had clearly been reaching for the door handle when it swung open and Kate wished now that she’d turned on the lights to give her some warning. “Sorry. I had to grab a few things.”
“No problem—you just startled me.” Mo stepped back from the doorway. “When Julia stopped by yesterday she wasn’t sure what you’d want.”
“Yeah. Anyway…Good night.” Kate started past her, wondering if it would ever not be awkward between them.
“Could I walk with you?”
“I’m going back to Julia and Reed’s.”
“I don’t really care where we go. I mean, if you don’t want to be around me, I’ll let you go but—” Mo exhaled and started again, “I spent a lot of time thinking about everything that happened yesterday. And…well…I’m sorry about how I reacted.”
“Okay.”
“Okay? That’s it?”
“It was my fault, Mo. You don’t need to say sorry at all.” Kate moved past Mo and stepped off the porch. She turned down the path, hoping Mo wouldn’t follow. She didn’t want to listen to another explanation of how Mo didn’t love her because she’d said everything too late and she couldn’t handle Mo trying to be a friend now. Maybe Mo was only trying to salvage things to make tomorrow manageable, but she’d rather muck through the tour without a big discussion beforehand.
Kate heard footsteps and knew Mo was behind her. She considered telling her to leave her alone, but she didn’t need to make things worse. In a few steps, Mo had caught up and was walking alongside her.
“I know you don’t want to talk but…” Mo’s voice trailed. “Could you slow down for a minute?”
“You’re right. I don’t want to talk.” To get to Julia and Reed’s bungalow, they had to walk past the club where they’d salsa danced and the Ping-Pong room. How she’d fooled herself the night they’d danced together, thinking that Mo wanted her… Nothing had gone right on this trip. She should have gotten back on the plane as soon as she’d found out about her reservation error.
“I need you to at least hear me out. I don’t think I’ll be able to get through tomorrow if we don’t talk. Please?”
Kate looked over and saw the pained expression on Mo’s face. With a pinch of guilt, she realized she wasn’t the only one hurting. Yes, Mo lashing out yesterday had made things worse, but they’d both made mistakes. “Let’s go inside.” She veered toward the Ping-Pong room.
When they stepped into the space, a motion sensor blinked on the lights. Kate crossed her arms and turned to face Mo.
“Is it too late to ask about that rematch?” Mo tried to joke, but it was clear even she was having trouble pretending. She picked up a paddle and spun it in her hand. “Look, yesterday—”
Kate cut her off. “Yeah. How about yesterday? That was fun, right?”
Mo opened and closed her mouth. The sarcasm had landed like a slap and Kate regretted it instantly. She shook her head. “I’m sorry.” Mo was right—some
how they needed to reach an agreement on how they were going to move forward. This wasn’t only about getting through tomorrow. It was every day after that.
“S’okay. After yesterday, I deserve it.” Mo set down the paddle. “You said when you kissed me you stopped thinking. I did too.”
“I don’t think we need to rehash what happened. I’m sorry I kissed you. I won’t do it again.” Kate wondered if Mo would see through her words. She didn’t regret that kiss. The only thing she was sorry about was that she couldn’t kiss her again. Maybe someday she’d fall in love and have another kiss that compared. Fall in love again, she immediately added. Mo would always be her first. Kate exhaled. “I don’t know how we’re going to do it, but I think we need to pretend it never happened.”
“It feels weird to not talk about it, but if that’s what you want…”
“Thanks.” Kate cleared her throat. Mo was right—it was weird—but this wasn’t the first time they’d pretended. “How was your day?”
“I played a lot of solitaire.”
Post-breakup solitaire. Maybe Mo was more attached to Chantal than she’d let on. “How was scuba diving with Terri?”
“Didn’t go.”
Kate wondered how she could be simultaneously happy that Mo hadn’t spent the day with Terri and unhappy that Chantal had claimed enough of her heart that she would spend an entire day of her vacation lamenting the breakup.
“Today’s my dad’s birthday,” Mo said. “He would have turned sixty.”
When Kate looked over at Mo, she realized her eyes were moist. That was why she’d looked exhausted at dinner. She’d clearly been crying. Why hadn’t she realized it earlier? “Oh, Mo. I’m sorry.”
“He’s been gone for a while now, you know, but I felt like talking to him today. Fuck cancer.”
Without thinking of whether it was a good idea or not, Kate went over to her. She wrapped her arms around Mo’s shoulders and then pulled her close. Mo dropped her chin on Kate’s shoulder, sighing softly.
“Thanks for the hug.”
As much as she’d hoped it wouldn’t happen, as much as this needed to be only a friendly hug, the feel of Mo’s body sent heat flooding through her. There was no way around it. She still longed for Mo. When her arousal was too much, she took a step back, pushing away the “if onlys” that popped up despite everything.
“You’ve had a hell of a week.”
“My mom said the same thing,” Mo said. She leaned back against the Ping-Pong table.
“Did you tell your mom I tried to kiss you?” Kate knew Mo told her mom everything, but did that include this?
“You did kiss me,” Mo clarified. “And no. I started to tell her about our conversation, but I knew she was going to tell me I screwed up and I didn’t want to hear it.”
Kate wondered if that meant Mo thought she had screwed up or only that she didn’t want to hear her mom say it. “We both screwed up. So much for a vacation in paradise.”
“Reality followed us.” Mo picked up the Ping-Pong ball and tossed it to Kate. “I thought we weren’t talking about the kiss.”
Kate caught the ball. “I don’t want to play.”
“Me neither.” Mo’s gaze settled on Kate. “Sometimes I wish you could actually talk about things. And listen to what someone’s saying. Instead of walking out when it gets hard.”
“Yeah, well, I’ve got issues. Anyway, you told me I was too late.” Kate fought to keep her tone light, choosing her words carefully. “Would you stay around after that?”
When Mo didn’t respond, Kate tossed the ball back. Mo didn’t try catching it, and the ball hit the cement floor. Kate watched it until it rolled under one of the patio chairs opposite the Ping-Pong table. She wanted to tell Mo that was how all of this made her feel, like no one would ever want to catch her, but it sounded ridiculous and overly dramatic even to her own ears.
“I’m not the only one with issues. You’ve got a few.” She could give Mo a list of ways she’d sabotaged past relationships by not taking care of her own needs, of how she undercut herself over and over, and of how she didn’t see her own value.
“Everyone has issues,” Mo said. “But some of us actually work on them. I know it seems crazy…”
“I’ve been working on my issues for years.” Kate wanted to tell Mo to leave her alone and work on herself, but she held back the words. She started to turn away, thinking she should have gone straight to Reed and Julia’s place instead of here, then stopped and said, “I don’t owe you an explanation. And after yesterday…Honestly I don’t feel like opening up and having a heart-to-heart.”
“You’re right. You don’t owe me anything. Have a good night.”
Kate met Mo’s gaze. Neither of them moved, though clearly Mo was giving her an exit. Her anger was stilled by the tears that were welling in Mo’s eyes. Before they fell, Mo wiped them away and cleared her throat.
“You can probably guess how much I don’t want to cry in front of you,” Mo said. She seemed to be waiting for Kate to either say something or leave. When Kate did neither, Mo took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “I know I screwed up yesterday. But I think we can agree we both have made mistakes—starting that first year in the dorms.”
Kate wanted to argue that it wasn’t her fault that she hadn’t been ready to date Mo in college. Her relationships then had been superficial at best and there was no way she would have been able to let Mo close. Back then she’d gone on dates as much to try and feel normal as to keep anyone from asking why she wasn’t. Of course Mo didn’t know about that. She thought of Julia’s words. It was true that she’d held back, that she’d kept secrets, and yet she still didn’t see how owning up to all of it would change anything now.
But what did she have to lose? When Kate realized the answer was nothing, she went over to one of the chairs opposite the Ping-Pong table and sat down. “I don’t want to leave.”
“That’s not always the same thing as wanting to stay.”
“What do you want to ask me, Mo? I’ll answer anything. You probably won’t want to hear it, but maybe that’s not for me to decide.”
“I don’t want to force you to open up.”
“You’re not forcing me to do anything,” Kate said. This was her decision. “What do you want to know?”
“Whatever you want to tell me.” Mo’s words were clipped, as if she doubted this conversation would lead anywhere.
Kate stopped the sarcastic quip that formed on her lips. She didn’t want to fight anymore. “You’re right,” she started. “You said you always felt like I was holding back. I was.”
“Why?”
As much as she knew that now was the time, she still didn’t want to tell the whole story. If only she could leave some parts out. Kate closed her eyes and said, “I never wanted to tell you what my ‘issues’ were because I knew you wouldn’t look at me the same after.” She opened her eyes and briefly met Mo’s gaze. “And I loved the way you looked at me. You made me feel like the sexiest person in the room.”
“You usually are.”
Kate didn’t let Mo’s admission stall her. “You know how you don’t like to be alone?” She waited for Mo’s nod. They both knew that was the reason she went from one relationship to the next. “Well, I don’t like to let anyone close.”
“Maybe we should go see a therapist together. That’d be fun.”
“I’ve been in therapy since I was thirteen,” Kate said. “You’re going to need to catch up.”
“Since you were thirteen? Like regularly?”
“Every month. It used to be weekly, but I’ve improved.” Kate held up her hands, forcing a big smile. “Can’t you tell?”
“Actually, I can. In college you were this quiet girl who didn’t want anyone to notice her. But now you’ve got this confidence. You walk into a room and everyone looks your way. Especially when you’re working. Remember that gala you dragged me to? All those moneybags couldn’t wait to write you a check.”
&nbs
p; “It was for a good cause.” And she knew how to handle rich bastards. That was one thing she’d learned early.
“It was about more than the cause. Those people couldn’t wait to give you their money. They know you’re going to make things happen—and make a difference. You’ve got your shit together more than anyone else I know.” Mo paused. “And it’s not only that you’re good at your job. You don’t let anyone else tell you how to lead your life. You know what you want. That’s why it never made sense to me when you’d say you had issues.”
“Well, you learn a few things about yourself in almost twenty years of counseling. Like what you want in life. But that doesn’t mean you’re brave enough to go for it.” Kate looked at Mo and her body took that precise moment to remind her of exactly how good Mo’s lips had felt on hers. She pushed away the thought that she would never kiss her again and said, “You knew I saw a therapist. You’ve teased me about it before.”
“I didn’t know it was a regular thing. I shouldn’t have teased you. And I knew you took antidepressants, but I never thought you really needed them. You never acted like you were depressed.”
“Turns out they work.”
Mo nodded. “Growing up I always thought people who went to therapy must be really messed up—or they had too much time on their hands. You know in the black community it’s almost taboo. But now I know how much it can help. People need to talk to someone… Why’d you start going? Because of the eating thing?”
“That’s the short answer,” Kate said. Mo had lived with her long enough to guess that truth and she wasn’t surprised. In some ways, it was a relief to have it out in the open. But she was glad Mo hadn’t named it. Anorexia. Bulimia. Orthorexia. She hated all the names. Even the new ones.
“What happened?”
“I stopped eating.” It was simple, when she put it that way, but of course there was more to the story. “It didn’t happen right away. First I stopped eating certain things that weren’t good for me anyway. Potato salad. Hot dogs. Chips. Before long I was only eating salad. If I ate anything else, I’d take care of it.”
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