by Tomas, G. L.
Olli shrugged, his back caving into the couch as his long legs dangled over the armrest. “Nothing.” He broke the silence. “Why would you do anything on a day like this anyway? Unless…”
“What?” I asked, my mind trailing off to another train of thought.
Olli just smiled a cock-sure grin, patting his stomach as he recalled the past. “I remember times like this, the things we used to do. They fell between nothing and everything.” As he asked whether I remembered stating I could never get used to the dramatic weather changes in Finland from Spain, or even the West Coast of the US.
We’d come a long way since Madrid. One minute we were feeling each other out, the next we were married, figuring out our next move. More times than I can count, we’d been stuck inside because of a winter storm, managing our time to challenge the boredom of not leaving the flat.
We’d always made good use of the time, though. Whether we were making hot chocolate, talking about our opposing childhoods, or making love in front of a fireplace, any moment spent was less than boring. “You can tell me if this is too much to bring up but, I can recall giving you the best orgasms of your life during times like this,” Olli joked.
He wasn’t wrong. He had given me the best orgasms I’d ever had in my life, and not just the time I had been with him. Most times, all we could do was fuck, sleep and eat. But the moment was still raw, I couldn’t help but assume Olli joking so candidly was due to the phone call he’d received from Anna the night before. She had been angry, and I understood it. Out of respect, I didn’t want to entertain anything that if I were in her situation, I wouldn’t be comfortable with my fiancé joking with his ex about. “As much as I’d love to elaborate, I don’t want to give your fiancée more ammunition to hate me.”
“What fiancée? Last time we spoke, she wanted nothing to do with me. She all but told me to freeze to death in that little cabin of mine. As if I asked for any of it to happen.”
“You don’t think Anna was just speaking from a place of anger?” I asked. Maybe I wouldn’t have reacted the way she might in the same situation, but her anger was just as valid as any woman dealing with her circumstances. “I’d certainly be upset if my future husband was putting me through the same thing.”
Olli’s eyes softened, and I would have sworn his eyes were smiling at me had anything else had changed about his facial expression. “One thing I’ve always known about Anna. When she says something, she means it. With her, there are no grey areas. She called off our engagement and she meant it. I think I’ve said it before, but I’m not distraught by the relationship ending.”
He slumped over, catching the weight from his elbows onto his knees, not the least bit frustrated by the consequence of his confession. “I’m sorry to hear that. If I had known my presence would open up so many wounds, I would have just asked you to fax the documents and let you be on your way.”
“Don’t feel sorry for me. I asked you to come because of what you meant to—mean to me—that with all we been through, you deserved more than a letter in the mail. I’ve done my best to convince Anna your arrival wouldn’t threaten our relationship, but clearly, you brought out an insecurity in Anna neither of us could have helped. That says more about her and less about how you’ve handled this situation.”
Olli babbled on—something he never did, being a Finn—that how in their four years together, nothing he did ever seemed to satisfy her. Most times, he wasn’t even sure why she had wanted to marry him outside of financial security.
“I’m sure you love her, though.”
“I love things about her. It’s clear that I am attracted to her.” I sensed a slice of shame at what he was about to admit. “And there was never a reason not to marry her. She fit well into my life. Sex was good, maybe a bit vanilla for my tastes, but not every woman is adventurous.” He eyed me with an intent that made me consider he’d likely compared his companions in kink to his vanilla lovers often, even if not intentionally so.
“I do care about her and what happens to her. Sometimes, I wish in the time we’d known each other that she would’ve shown herself more. Shown me that she can be vulnerable.”
He sounded so unsure about his reasons for proposing to Anna, without thinking, I’d asked him why he’d asked to marry her in the first place.
“I asked Anna to marry me for a different reason than I’d asked you. You’ll think I’m foolish for even admitting it.”
“No, I won’t,” I argued. And I wouldn’t. I could never see Olli as a fool.
“I asked her because she asked me to.” The confession wasn’t intense, but not as romantic as the reason any woman would have liked.
“So, why did you propose to me then?”
Olli locked his gaze to mine, and the need in his wide eyes appeared heavy and honest. “Because my fear of losing you outweighed my insecurities as a man who didn’t feel worthy of you.”
I remember the day we married one another like it was yesterday. I had always secretly hoped for a well-planned wedding, one meant to make me feel like a princess for a day. Neither one of us could have afforded such extravagance so early into our formative years in the workforce, but marrying the man of my dreams had made a simple justice of the peace ceremony just as special as any dream wedding.
It brought me to tears knowing Olli had loved me enough to not want to risk losing me. It hurt, even more, hearing it in the present. I wasn’t sure how I had started, but as I was overcome with emotion, a cross between a sob and a laugh was the only coherent thing I could express.
My life had been far from perfect, but I’d managed to make myself whole again with the birth of Olivia. But coming back to Finland, I learned I was missing an essential piece of my puzzle.
I’d only returned so that Olli could remarry and move forward from a time we were carefree and in love. It hadn’t mattered that I hadn’t been completely over that time spent, but I wanted his happiness, and if that meant letting go of the idea of one day recreating a life with him, I was prepared to sign anything to make his life easier.
It was the closure I needed, but I wasn’t so sure it was the closure I’d prayed for. I could move on as if it were even a possibility. But as Olli spoke of times that once were, it flared up my heartache, and I wasn’t so sure I wanted to let go of our memories together. But from Olli’s responses, I wasn’t so sure he was ready to give them up either.
Even now, all Olli could do was peer through me with those piercing green eyes, that could read my entire soul but not give an ounce of material to reveal in return. “Are you crying because you are sad? Or are you crying because you are overwhelmed?” He ran the outside of his index finger along my jaw, leaving a trail of warmth behind. “With you, it’s always been hard to tell. Even last night served as a challenge. You kept bringing up going home. You brought up your daughter, and in time that made you weep. I didn’t know what else to do, so I just held you. Like I always did before.”
And he always did. He always took care of me when playtime had brought me to their intended heights. That’s often what happened during a scene. Reinforcing such intense power dynamics, especially our dynamic made things interesting. A lot of our play required him to tame me, so by the end of it all, it wasn’t uncommon for overwhelming cries to continue past the scene. Even in our vanilla life, my emotions ran high. Crying seemed to be the only means at my disposal to express my everchanging moods.
Due to his Finnish background, it took a while for him to get used to what he originally referred to as an American response to everything. He soon discovered the way he handled my aftercare blended well into our vanilla life too. Comforting me. Making me feel safe. Holding me reaffirmed his role in my life, as well as re-establish my role in his. I pulled myself together, though. Just because he’d made me feel safe this one time, didn’t mean I’d have a chance to feel that security again.
“I apologize for taking so much of your emotional energy. I guess I just miss my daughter. To be honest, this ha
s been the longest I’ve ever been away from her.”
Olli put his hand to his chest, sincere in his stance. “That I am sorry for. Had I known I would be keeping you from something, or someone, I would’ve suggested you bring her. And anyone else you may have missed during the duration of your trip.” As the hint of a smile changed the stern appearance in his face.
I couldn’t help thinking if I had brought Olivia, it would have been like looking into a mirror. It wouldn’t have mattered if she presented as mostly Black, the facial structure she’d inherited from him, I wouldn’t have been able to explain away. Walking away from his love had been one of the hardest things I’d done. Would I really be able to deal with explaining to him he fathered my daughter?
“I think I’ve caused enough trouble. I understand Anna’s behavior toward me, but I don’t think I could have been the bigger person if that same behavior would have been extended to my child.”
“Benny, if you hadn’t come, I am positive Anna would have found another reason to be upset with me. I’ve really tried to be a good partner. But I don’t think I’ve ever been the man I was…” He trailed off, and for once, I was curious about what he would have said.
“You don’t think you were ever the man you were what?” I asked, hoping he’d call my bluff.
A look of danger but also something that completely eclipsed the sinister aura in his eyes. Shame maybe. I posed my question again, and to my surprise, it was just the answer I’d secretly—despite the implications—been dying to hear the moment we first locked eyes again for the first time in eight years.
“I was going to say that I don’t think I’ve ever been the kind of man I was, as when I was with you. Seeing you again, it makes me forget that I’d lost you. That I should’ve never left, or at least shouldn’t have agreed to be apart. We were oceans away. But it never changed how I felt about you.”
He stood this time, closing the inches between us, until our breaths nearly mingled, his body leaning over my own as he pushed the back of my legs into the couch.
“That I miss dominating you,” he spoke in a seductive whisper. “Fucking you.” He leaned in to kiss me, but I pulled away right before our lips could touch. He knew I wanted to. I knew I wanted to. But I was playing with him, bringing out that familiar side of him he’d likely been holding in since my absence in his life. He liked control, but he preferred to take it. I loved the way he took it when I didn’t give in so easily.
The vulnerability in being at the mercy of him was what he’d come to value about my submission to him. We’d had weeks of conversation establishing just what we liked, what we wouldn’t do, what we could live with, and everything else that brought us to this point. It wasn’t so easy enjoying that behavior in my vanilla life, but in my sub-space, I’d never felt more like a woman than when my body was his to use as he felt fit.
Olli gave me one look over and snapped his fingers to see if I’d object. We had a number of signals that would communicate that we were both ready to enter the scene, and that had been one of the ways we both understood what was happening without having to ask or break the mood. Since we didn’t do many scenes where talking wasn’t allowed, it served us well to stay in our appropriate spaces.
Neither of us had played with another partner in years, so it had seemed like a decent way to re-establish that signal instead of assuming. To Olli’s surprise, he would find no objection in me.
Olli grabbed the back of my head, gently enough where I wasn’t in pain, but rough enough where I’d made a mistake and that it was his role to show me my place. He pressed his lips against mine, as it brought out all the love, safety, security, and arousal that apparently had never left.
His mouth parted mine, leaving a rush from the warmth of his slick tongue massaging my tongue. His teeth caught my quivering lip, and the power it had on me sent me back to a place I could have only experienced through him. I felt whole. If I never felt anything else again, I was glad he could make me experience this.
All of what I loved about him coursed through each nerve, surged through every bone in my body. His touch sent shivers through even parts of me I neglected, parts of me I hadn’t known could get aroused. Every fiber of me was ringing and seconds from detonating if provoked.
With one last kiss, Olli finally pulled away and it was as if I’d lost a larger piece of me, one I couldn’t function without. With a look that screamed discipline and masculinity, sex, want and need, as he stood to his full height, perched his crouch in front of me and without breaking his eye contact said, “Now get on your fucking knees.”
15
Olli
I was a bit rusty when it came to this kind of thing. At my best, I would’ve made Benny place a pillow from the couch on the floor in front of me and place her knees onto the pillow, instead of simply demanding that she “get on her knees.” But the fire building between the two of us was stronger than any command, and I needed her submission more than my need to be the perfect Dom.
The perfect Dom. I remember what it felt like to be that to someone. The work it took, the sacrifice and communication it required to be everything a person needed. I had courted her, close to six weeks, before I dominated her, and the preparation had made every single second of our first play session explosive.
Domination had been an interest of mine since I traveled around Europe. It were as if I’d always had the need to dominate, but I’d never known what to call it. The whole world around me felt bizarre in its normalcy, but in my exchange with normalcy, it made me feel like the freak. It hadn’t been until I met Mistress Alice, that I’d known what to call that urge in me, that wouldn’t die down.
It wasn’t as if I needed it all the time. I learned where and when it was safe to explore my sexual fantasies, and in the right courtship, I could perform both. Kink allowed me to relieve the stress of being boxed in from society’s expectations and to my delight, I’d found the perfect woman, the perfect lover, in a woman like Benny.
Neither one of us had been new to the lifestyle, but her experience helped shape me into the Dom I was today. She’d been so amazing, that moving on from her had proved quite the obstacle. Even though our forms of communication hadn’t changed, neither one of us had picked up the phone, requested a friend on social media, or sent an email just to reach out. With as much as she’d meant to me in the past, or how much I thought I’d meant to her, it was as if we were dead to each other since our last encounter.
It wasn’t as if I’d wanted to end our relationship; when I moved back to Finland, I did so under the pretense that despite what we’d agreed upon, we might one day reunite. Our biggest obstacle had been mainly money, and I kept thinking if I could make a success for myself, we’d be okay.
Those things happened, but not in the way I’d planned them. In fact, I received separation papers not long after I’d secured my current title, but long before I’d gained any significant wealth. Without Benny’s encouragement, nurturing nature, trust or vulnerability, I’d lost my way. In moments of weakness, I’d think up things Benny might tell me to push me forward. Maybe she’d disagree with me; maybe she would share with me words that would lead me to the lost the Dom in me.
But imagining her inspire me helped me move on because even though I’d lost her, it made me feel like all things were possible. Now, I had this sweet, beautiful woman I thought I had lost forever, inches away from my crotch, ready to submit at the promise of my command. One thing I wanted to make clear: I planned to rock her world, but if I did, this was not going to be a one-time thing.
If I experienced her now, there would be no goodbyes. There would be no divorce, there would be no separation. If she submitted to me at this moment, she was mine. Mine forever, and I’d never let her go. She waited, curious eyes peering at me, awaiting my simple instruction. Now was the time to practice greater patience. Now was the time to masterfully use my words.
“Little girl, I want you to unbuckle my belt and then my trousers. Can you do
that for me?” I didn’t expect an answer other than a yes.
“Yes, Sir,” she answered through innocent eyes, and it made all the blood in my body rush to my cock at the sound of her calling me Sir. It had taken time, but over the course of several weeks, we’d agreed on titles and language we planned to use in our D/s spaces. I’d been referred to as Master, but it had been more as a preference to that particular submissive and not because I’d actually mastered any skill set required of a Dominant. “Sir” was simple and commanding. It stood out on its own, especially from the pet names Benny gave me as her boyfriend. She eased into the role of slut, a plaything that was merely a slut for her Sir.
“Rub the outside of my pants and stick your hand inside.” The jiggling of the metal on my belt clinked as Benny snaked the leather through each belt loop, careful in unzipping my slacks and creating just enough friction between her palm and my cock to get me hard.
If there was a way to be both embarrassed and unashamed at the fact my cock stood fully erect, I’d say I was at that place right now. I wanted nothing more but to shove Benny’s mouth onto my length and see if her throat remembered how far my cock used to go back there, but I settled for letting her fingers disappear down my slacks.
Benny had the type of eyes that made me wonder what was running through her mind while performing such naughty tasks. They were dark, nearly black, unless one peered into them from only an inch or two away. When Benny’s gaze was fixated on mine, she was able to give off the innocence and softness that made every hair on my body stand on end while still giving off the aura of a fully realized sex kitten.
“Pull my boxers down and gently kiss the head of my cock.” Without pushback, her dark, slender fingers were soon consumed by my waistband, as a tuck and pull later, a thick, swollen cock sprung from its cotton restraints.