by Tomas, G. L.
As I took her in from head to toe, Anna looked as if she hadn’t been wearing that damn dress, she would’ve ripped it to shreds by now. And I would’ve welcomed it. At this point, anything remnant reminding me of that day was one too many. “Just tell me something, Anna. If I couldn’t have promised you a comfortable life, do you think you would’ve ever loved me? Did you ever love me?”
Anna collapsed to the ground and in her defeated state, shed tears like I’d never seen before. It’d been the most vulnerable I’d seen her in the entire time I’d known her. “I would’ve grown to love you. But you wanted a fairytale. A life where everything is perfect, including a wife who—”
“What I wanted was a woman who loved me,” I interrupted. “A woman who saw me. One I didn’t have to second guess how she felt about me.” True words. Real words. Words I had never been able to speak until now. I bent down to face Anna, mascara running down her cherub cheeks, flushed and appearing more damaged than I’d known her to be.
“What I failed to see was that I’d already had a woman like that in my life, that I didn’t fight for. But I’m fighting for her now. I don’t have to ask myself these things when it comes to her. I owe everything I am to Benny. That woman is my wife.”
As I stood to my feet, grabbed the suitcase on the side of the bed, and made my way toward the exit. Halfway to the door, I stopped. There was only so much that I could do, and even now, I wasn’t even sure she deserved it. But I wanted to be the better person. There was murky air between us, and if I could do one thing, the time was now to do it.
“Consider your parents' debts paid. I’m not responsible for the rest of your family, but this is only under the condition that you never contact me again. No more calls, emails, surprise visits like this one. I don’t want to hear you tried to contact my daughter, or her mother in any way. I want the best for you, Anna. I’ve said that before, and I really mean it. This is your chance to start over. I hope you take advantage of it. And I wish that you find happiness as I have. You deserve at least that. Be well.” And without another word, I walked out that hotel room and out of her life for good this time.
28
Olli
Nothing made a seven-year-old more ambitious than the promise of freshly popped popcorn. The timer hadn’t even gone off and yet here Olivia was, at my side pulling at my clothes impatiently as if she’d never eaten junk food before. It was her turn to pick the film for the weekly ritual she and her mother shared as an effort to spend time together, but this time I was invited to their routine movie marathon, and it was evident that the girl had been more hyper than usual.
“Shhh…relax, sweetheart. It’s not going anywhere.” Three consistent loud beeps marked the end of its cooking time as I put Oli to work by insisting she grab a large bowl to dump the popped kernels in.
“Take it in the living room, Oli. I’ll be right there.” In a blur, she zoomed past Benny entering the kitchen, leaving nothing but the wind in her path. “Well, someone’s excited,” she squealed, looking casually beautiful in her slim fit leggings and thick knitted socks. Her braided hair was styled in a simple milkmaid design that kept her thick hair out of her face and what I assumed, was easier to cover up at night.
“What can I say? Seeing the journey between Miguel and Héctor makes anyone excited.” I hadn’t seen the movie until Benny’s insistence that I watch it with her. There weren’t many movies celebrating her own culture, but having heritage from a place with a shared language and history was reason enough for me to give it a chance. I wasn’t prepared for that ending. Tear-jerker endings didn’t normally affect me, but there was a first time for everything. “Oli could use a brush up on her Spanish. Olivia, don’t forget to sing along.” I teased.
We were in the process of considering teaching Olivia to learn conversational Finnish, as my parents would appreciate any effort upon meeting their first grandchild. But that didn’t mean I wanted her to ignore her maternal grandmother’s first language, so this was just as much education as it was entertainment.
“Hey, if the movie runs too late for you, feel free to get back to your hotel any time before it gets too late.” She opened the fridge, grabbing a few bottles of sparkling water as I wrapped my arms around her and planted a kiss on her cheek.
“Actually, I was wondering if I could stay here tonight with you and Olivia. If that’s okay with you?” I knew this was her space, and I didn’t want to intrude, but nights at the hotel were becoming lonelier since Benny and I were on better terms. It wasn’t even about the sex. I just wanted to be with my family and cuddle next to my wife instead of retiring to an empty bed. Okay, so maybe sex crossed my mind more often than it hadn’t but still. That hadn’t meant that cooking breakfast for my wife and daughter couldn’t be also part of that.
“Of course that’s okay, baby. Do you need anything from me to make your stay more comfortable?”
I looked to the living room to pinpoint Olivia’s location but decided to say my next request in Finnish, knowing I could speak freely without her ears being subject to my profanity. She didn’t know Finnish yet so…
“If you promise me to sleep naked, I’ll reward you with making love to your pussy at the sign of sunrise. I know how much you like when I make you come with my mouth.” Pulling away laughing, she slapped my chest as I pulled her in for a kiss.
“She can probably hear you, you know?”
“Right. Because she learned to speak Finnish overnight?” I teased. “You’ll do it for me or no?”
She rolled her eyes. “I’ll think about it, okay? Let’s just get started on our movie night.” She stepped on the tips of her toes to reach in and give me another kiss as she made her way back in the living room with Olivia.
* * *
A half of bottle of wine in and an hour later, Benny nestled up next to me as Olivia turned back to confirm she was falling asleep. “I told you she was a heavy sleeper.” Pressing my finger to my lips, I whispered a “Shh…” as not to wake her. The little one and I had plans. Plans we couldn’t risk her mom overhearing.
“I’m going to put her to bed. Meet me in your room in three minutes.” I said as I lifted my sleeping bride into my arms. Their apartment wasn’t big, so the walk to her bedroom felt effortless as I tucked her into the comforter, remembering the silk bonnet she kept by her nightstand to ensure her hair looked the same in the morning as it did in its current state. “Good night, my love.” Placing a kiss to her forehead as I made my way back to my midnight planner in the bedroom down the hall.
As I opened the door to Olivia’s bedroom, she sat on her light blue My Little Pony bedspread looking older than her seven years as she flipped through a thick women’s themed wedding magazine as if taking notes for her future day.
“Okay, Oli. What did you find out for me?” I knelt down by the edge of her insanely small bed, resting my chin in my hands as I waited for her answer. I wanted to plan something big for Benny, but I wasn’t sure how to plan wisely so that she wouldn’t expect it. That was where the little one came in. As many questions as she asked, it was a normal thing to expect she had a genuine curiosity. With her black marker and track notes, Olivia handed me a few magazines set on the page her mother took most interest in. They were all lovely wedding dresses. Some I could already picture my blushing bride wearing.
“So when mom looked through these ones at the hair salon. Her eyes lingered on this one. This one and this one.” She pointed to a simple yet classic design. One I knew just about any designer could accomplish. Another was expertly constructed but wasn’t entirely Benny’s style. While the last was her taste but wasn’t memorable enough. I needed something that when I saw it, it bellowed my wife’s name. Any dress that was made for her didn’t need to speak loudly with words.
“These are lovely but I was hoping to see a dress that was breathtaking but simple. Some that made me feel the way I did when I saw her for the first time. There aren’t any others she liked?”
“Umm…t
here was one other one but the magazine was like six years old. I’m surprised it’s not falling apart by now.” She handed me a publication that wasn’t just missing the cover, it was missing about half of the pages. But I knew the moment I browsed what was left of it, that the dress of her dreams was the dress I just so happened to open the page to. It was elegant. It was intricate and lastly, it was fit for a princess. With the right call, I could have a dress like that custom made in a weeks’ time. Plenty of time as we spent the next few days house shopping, just as I had promised her.
“Good work, Olivia.” I held my hand out for her to give me a high five.
“Why are we looking at wedding dresses anyway? Abuelita says you’re already married to Mami.”
“And she’s right. We are already married. It’s just that, when your mom and I got married the first time, we didn’t have the access for anything large or lavish.” Her eyes widened as she shook her head of loose curls from side to side. She looked so much like her mother yet oddly enough like me, too.
“Yeah, but you know Mami doesn’t like large or lavish. She just likes things to be special.” And special it was. Marrying Benny was the single happiest day of my life but if I could have made it more memorable. I would have. Now I was in the position to provide more and I wanted to give her the wedding she undoubtedly dreamt about. “I have photos of the first time. Would you like to see?” Her face lit up at the suggestion, her curls uncontrollably bouncing up and down with a nod of her head.
I pulled out my cell phone and accessed my cloud history with photos dating back almost ten years. When I was with my ex, I’d promised to get rid of them but never got around to it knowing how dear the photos were to my memories. Even when I thought I was happy, it was hard to let go of a time when things were so much simpler and love led the way. In the same situation, it was easy to rid myself of all the remnants that reminded me of Anna. That stage of my life was over. If I had to do it over to be in the same position as today, I would’ve suffered those years with her for just one night like today's.
After a few minutes of scrolling, I finally got to the pictures of us on our wedding day, looking a decade younger with the same mannerisms that never changed. I really needed to smile more. I promise myself to smile in any new photos we took, even if it was just a few out of one hundred.
“Here. Take a look.” I handed her the phone to watch Olivia’s expression shifted to an uncontainable level of excitement. “I like Mami’s hair in this picture.”
“What did I tell you? She used to wear her hair just like yours.”
“You look like a prince and she looks like a princess. What’s the point of you doing it all over?”
“Simple. Because you will be there. And Abuelita. And you would get to meet Iskä’s mom and dad. When a couple renews their vows it means they can tell each other things they didn’t get to say the first time.” With our families present, it would’ve been more of what she wanted. More of what I wanted her to have.
“Oh, can I be the maid of honor?” she squealed. “I’m sure she’d feel honored to have you as her maid of honor.”
“Cool,” she added with a yawn that prompted me to tuck her in and kiss her good night. On the walk to Benny’s room, I’d come up with the cleverest way to bring my vision to life. She wouldn’t be expecting it and it hit two birds with one stone. It didn’t hurt that it would fulfill my promise to provide her and Olivia a safer place to live.
First thing in the morning, I’d make a call to a reputable wedding dressmaker to get started on that but for now, since the first time I’d been back, I would have the privilege of cozying up next to my beautiful and ahem newly discovered naked wife.
I really should have gone to sleep but who could resist a late night snack sleeping right next to you?
* * *
Benny
Whoever said shopping for your dream house was a nightmare had clearly been correct. I never knew I’d be so picky when it came to shopping for a home but in the three weeks we’d been looking, not one of them featured all the amenities I desired. Safety was first on Olli’s list in our search. Where he was from, kids Olivia’s age could walk to school and home by themselves without the worry of something life-threatening on the way there.
Naturally, there were few places in California I’d compare to the safe streets of Helsinki but over the weeks we had managed to decide to split our time between here and his home in Finland. We wanted something definite before Olivia was off to middle school. She would finish up to the fifth grade in California, where we’d planned to live full-time so she could graduate with all her friends. Beyond that, our plan was to move to Finland for the school year and vacation to the US in the summertime. The school system was an obviously better choice where he was from, and we wanted the best for our daughter.
“Olli, honey. Don’t get offended at this but, I only see white people walking around. I feel like this might not be the neighborhood I want to live in.” I posed the concern to him from the passenger’s seat as we drove away from a very thorough eight a.m. appointment. The house was amazing and I loved how there were children playing outside but my idea of safety didn’t exactly involve moving into a neighborhood to be the only mixed-race family. “That is fair, but when we relocate to my hometown, I’m afraid there won’t be much of a choice.” He shrugged as his features formed a sympathetic grimace.
“I know but I know what to expect there. While we’re here in the States, I’d love for us to fit in, even if it’s just a little.”
“You’ll like the next one, I hope. It’s a Mediterranean and I know how much you love Mediterranean,” he said as I pulled on the listing for the home we were on our way to. Olli was right. I did love my Mediterraneans. Something about their design was just reminiscent of the homes you saw people retiring to. My ideal house had tons of bedrooms. This one had five. While Olivia was our main focus for now, neither one of us were opposed to having another baby. Obviously not right away but more children was something that was on our checklist when we got settled into our new lives together. Plus it was my dream to have enough room to be able to host our families around the holidays and special occasions. In a way, we’d been lucky in the family department. Neither one of our families were larger than a hand count, so already this house was looking like the best out of the bunch of our three grueling weeks of hunting.
When we pulled up to the house, I tried to hold back the excitement I felt from the outside alone. I was actively trying to hide my solicitous emotional state, but from the moment we pulled up, I was in love with the house. Olivia’s response to house shopping had been unexpected; I feared the idea of moving to a new place or new country might scare or overwhelm her. She’s never known more than West Covina, and even though she’d have her own space—much bigger than before—she had been disappointed at the move between our apartment and living with her grandmother.
If anything, Olivia wasn’t shy about showing her enthusiasm. She was excited that we’d be moving to a big house, but most of all, excited that it’d be all three of us. She showed maturity I wasn’t used to seeing with her, and I couldn’t help thinking that knowing she had a father that loved her, raised her self-esteem.
“It looks like a mansion,” Olivia chimed. It was a nice house, but I insisted it was much more family-friendly than the space a mansion would provide. It was definitely enormous, especially in regard to what Olivia was used to. But Olli brought his gaze to mine and thought I should let Olivia be excited no matter what type of house it was.
Olivia looked as beautiful as I always seen her, only today she stood firm that she’d wanted to wear her best clothes, her favorite holiday dress for good luck should we like it. I’d been resistant; before today, I didn’t have money lying around to buy a new one, should her dress get a hole or damaged, just so she could wear it as we went house browsing. But Olli stepped in. He reminded me that I’d said I’d let him take care of me, which meant he’d take care of Olivia. Olli
could afford to get Olivia an entirely new wardrobe if she wanted. So, it wouldn’t hurt anyone to let her wear the damn dress, even if no home impressed us.
At this moment, I had to refresh my memory at the idea I wasn’t Olivia’s sole parent. It would take work. The years of me being stern were being challenged by the fact Olivia already had her father eating out the palm of her hand. But they’d already developed a bond I couldn’t break and sometimes it didn’t feel like my place to want to ruin that.
Olli was already encouraging her to pull up her grades, offering his time to aid in her assignments while limiting her social privileges. He couldn’t keep up his wall for long, but I was pleased that he could be both kind and disciplinary, without making his daughter resent him. She was Daddy’s little girl, and I’d never regret it happening the way it did.
Olli opened the door for both of his girls as he picked his daughter up out the car. She screamed, naturally afraid when he tried to place her over his shoulders. But when she asserted that she could walk for herself, avoiding the fact he was too tall for her to feel safe about him carrying her, she trailed especially close to him, like the sidekick she’d become.
“Before we go in, I must confess. Olivia and I have a surprise for you.” He smiled softly as Olivia looked like she was seconds from blurting out the surprise. “We ask that you keep your eyes closed until the big reveal. Olivia insisted on it being a surprise.” As his smile shifted from sweet to unreadable. It was clear he didn’t want to give off any signs to the surprise. I couldn’t anticipate something I had no time to prepare for. We’d only known a week ago we’d be coming here to view this place. The two of them were keeping secrets, acting shifty and keeping me in the dark. I had a half a dozen reasons why they’d hide something, but what was still a mystery. Olli placed his hands over my eyes and lead me forward as Olivia’s small hand found mine to help guide me through.