by Jeff Kinney
my way, chimp!
But you
are one.
Don’t call
me “chimp”!
Oh, yeah.
Well, it looks like I’m
out of paper, so I
guess this is
The
end.
3
4
51
Yesterday I actually got a “zero” on a quiz in
Geography. But in my defense, it was really hard
to study for the quiz and watch football at the
same time.
To be honest with you, I don’t think teachers
should be making us memorize all this stuff to
begin with, because in the future everyone is
going to have a personal robot that tells you
whatever you need to know.
Robot! what’s the
largest estuary
in the world?
Thank you
very much!
The ob river,
in Russia.
52
Speaking of teachers, today Mrs. Craig was in a
really bad mood. That’s because the big dictionary
that usually sits on her desk was missing.
I’m sure someone just borrowed it and forgot to
put it back, but the word Mrs. Craig kept using
was “stole.”
Mrs. Craig said that if the dictionary wasn’t
returned to her desk before the end of the period,
she was keeping everyone inside for recess.
Then she told us she was going to leave the room,
and that if the “culprit” returned the dictionary
to her desk, there wouldn’t be any consequences,
and there would be no questions asked.
53
Mrs. Craig made Patty Farrell class monitor and
left the room. Patty takes her job as class monitor
really seriously, and when she’s in charge, nobody
dares to step out of line.
I was just hoping the person who took the
dictionary would hurry up and come clean,
because I had two cartons of chocolate milk
for lunch.
May i please
use the
lavatory?
No.
54
Friday
But nobody did come forward. And sure enough,
Mrs. Craig stuck to her promise and kept us inside
for recess. Then she said she was gonna keep us
inside every day until the dictionary was returned.
Mrs. Craig has kept us inside for the past three
days, and still no dictionary. Today Patty Farrell
was sick, so Mrs. Craig put Alex Aruda in
charge of the room while she was gone.
Alex is a good student, but people aren’t afraid
of Alex the way they are of Patty Farrell. As
soon as Mrs. Craig left the room, it was complete
pandemonium.
Whap
Alex
aruda
55
A couple of guys who were sick of getting stuck
inside for recess every day decided to try and
figure out who took Mrs. Craig’s dictionary.
The first person they interrogated was this kid
named Corey Lamb. I think Corey was number
one on the list of suspects because he’s smart and
he’s always using big words.
Corey fessed up to the crime in no time flat.
But it turns out he only said he did it because
the pressure made him crack.
shake
Shake
suck
suck
56
The next kid on the list was Peter Lynn, and
before you knew it Peter was confessing, too.
I figured it was just a matter of time before
those guys cornered me. So I knew I had to
think up something fast.
I’ve read enough Sherlock Sammy books to know
that sometimes it takes a nerd to get you out of
a pinch. And I figured if anyone could crack
this case, it was Alex Aruda.
So me and a couple of other guys who were worried
about getting hassled went over to Alex to see if
he could help us out.
Squeal!
57
We told Alex we needed him to solve the mystery
of who took Mrs. Craig’s dictionary, but he didn’t
even know what we were talking about. I
guess Alex had been so wrapped up in his book
that he hadn’t even noticed what had been going
on around him for the past couple of days.
Plus, Alex always stays inside to read during recess,
so Mrs. Craig’s punishment hadn’t had a big effect
on his life.
Unfortunately, Alex has read his share of Sherlock
Sammy books, too, so he said he would help us if
we paid him five bucks. Well, that was totally
unfair, because Sherlock Sammy only charges a
nickel. But me and the other guys agreed it was
worth it, and we pooled our money, then forked
over the five dollars.
58
We laid out all the facts of the case to Alex, but
we didn’t know a whole lot. Then we asked Alex if
he could get us pointed in the right direction.
I expected Alex to start taking notes and
spout some scientific mumbo jumbo, but all he did
was close the book he was reading and show the
cover to us. And you’re not gonna believe
this, but it was Mrs. Craig’s dictionary.
Alex said he’d been studying the dictionary to get
ready for the state spelling bee next month. Well,
that would’ve been nice to know before we gave
him our five bucks. Anyway, there was no time to
waste complaining, because Mrs. Craig was gonna be
back in the room at any second.
59
Corey Lamb grabbed the book from Alex and put
it on Mrs. Craig’s desk. But she walked in the
room right at that moment.
Mrs. Craig ended up going back on her whole
“no consequences” promise, so Corey Lamb is
gonna be spending the next three weeks inside
during recess. Looking on the bright side,
though, at least he’ll have Alex Aruda to keep
him company.
Aha!
Yesterday in the cafeteria, when I emptied out my
lunch bag, I got two Fruits—and no snacks.
This was a pretty big problem. Mom always packs
cookies or sugar wafers or something in my lunch
bag, and it’s usually the only thing I eat. So I
had no energy for the rest of the day.
Tuesday
February
What
the—
Bink
Bonk
At least
do one!
I…I
can’t!
When I got home, I asked Mom what the deal
was with the two-fruits thing. She said she
always buys enough treats to last us the whole
week, so one of us boys must’ve taken the snacks
out of the bin in the laundry room.
I’m sure Mom thinks I’m the one stealing the
snacks, but believe me, I already learned my
lesson about doing that.
Last year I took treats out of the bin, but I
totally paid the price for it when I opened
my lunch bag at school and pulled out Mom’s
substitute snack.
Would one of you
gentlemen care to
trade something
for a pack of
croutons?
62
Today at lunch it was the same exact thing: two
fruits and no snacks.
Like I said, I really depend on the boost I
get from that sugar. I almost fell asleep in
Mr. Watson’s class in sixth period, but luckily I
snapped awake when my head hit the back of
my chair.
When I got home, I told Mom it wasn’t fair
someone else was eating the treats and I was
having to suffer. But she said she wasn’t going
to go grocery shopping until the end of the
week, and that I’d just have to “make do”
until then.
Wooozaa!
63
Dad wasn’t any help, either. When I complained
to him, he just made up a penalty for anyone
caught stealing snacks, which was “no drums and
no video games for a week.” So obviously he
thinks it’s either me or Rodrick.
Like I said, it’s not me, but I figured Dad
might be right about Rodrick. When Rodrick
went up to the bathroom after dinner, I
walked down to his room to see if I could find
any wrappers or crumbs.
But while I was poking around in Rodrick’s room,
I heard him coming downstairs. I had to hide
quick, because for some reason Rodrick gets really
bent out of shape when he catches me in his room,
like he did yesterday.
Hey look
at me!
Right before Rodrick got to the bottom of the
stairs, I dove into his desk cabinet and shut the
door. Rodrick walked in the room, then flopped
on his bed and called his friend Ward.
Rodrick and Ward talked FoReVeR, and I
was starting to think I might have to spend
the night in that desk.
Rodrick and Ward got into a pretty heated
debate about whether or not a person could
throw up while standing on their head, and I
started to feel like I was gonna throw up myself.
Luckily, right around then, the phone’s battery
died. When Rodrick went upstairs to get the
spare phone, I made a run for it.
65
This snack thing wouldn’t even be an issue if I
had money. If I did, I could just buy something
from the vending machine at school every day.
At the moment, though, I’m kind of broke.
That’s because I wasted all my money on some
junk I can’t even use.
About a month ago, I saw these ads in the
back of one of my comic books, and I sent away
for a couple of things that were supposed to
totally change my life.
x-ray
goggles
see thru:
walls metal clothes
Personal
hovercraft
zoom around
town on a
cushion of air!
float six feet
above the
ground!
print your
own
money
with the
cash
machine
insert a blank
piece of paper and
roll out a $5 bill!
throw
your
voice
ventriloquism kit
I started receiving my stuff in the mail about two
weeks ago.
The Cash Machine turned out to be some stupid
magic trick where you have to insert your own
money in this secret slot for it to work. And
that wasn’t good, because I was really counting
on that thing to get me out of having to find
a job when I grow up.
The X-Ray Goggles just made you see blurry and
cross-eyed, so that was a bust, too.
oof!
67
The Throw Your Voice thing didn’t work at
All, even though I followed the instructions
in the book.
But the item I had the highest hopes for was
the Personal Hovercraft. I figured getting home
after school would be a breeze once my hovercraft
finally showed up in the mail.
“I’m an idiot.”
“I’m an idiot.”
What the
heck?
So long,
suckers!
whirrrr
bus
stop
Well, I got the package today, but there wasn’t
a hovercraft inside. There was just a blueprint for
how to Build a hovercraft, and I got stuck on
Step One.
I just can’t believe the people who write those
ads can get away with lying to kids like that. I
thought about hiring a lawyer to sue those guys,
but lawyers cost money, and like I said before,
the Cash Machine was a piece of garbage.
Today, when I got home from school, Mom was
waiting for me, and she didn’t look too happy.
It turns out the school sent home mid-quarter
report cards, and she got the mail before I
could intercept it.
Thursday
Step One:
Acquire an industrial
twin-turbine engine.
69
Mom showed me the report card, and it wasn’t
pretty. Then she said we were gonna wait for
Dad to get home to see what he thought.
Man, waiting for Dad to get home when you’re in
trouble is the Worst. I used to just hide in
the closet, but recently I figured out a better
way to handle it. Now, whenever I get in trouble,
I ask Gramma to come over for dinner, because
Dad’s not gonna act mad at me if Gramma’s around.
At dinner, I made sure I sat in the seat right
next to Gramma.
Why, aren’t
you a dear?
70
Luckily, Mom didn’t mention my report card during
dinner. And when Gramma said she needed to leave
to go to Bingo, I tagged right along with her.
Escaping Dad wasn’t the only reason I went
to Bingo with Gramma. I also went because I
needed a surefire way to make some money.
Catch you
guys later!
71
I figured spending a few hours with Gramma
and her Bingo friends was a pretty fair price to
pay for a week’s worth of snacks from the
vending machine in the school cafeteria.
Gramma and her friends are experts at Bingo,
and they’re real serious about it, too. They have
all sorts of gear like lucky blotters and “Bingo
Trolls” and stuff like that to help them win.
One of Gramma’s friends is so good that she
memorizes all her cards, and she doesn’t even
need to use a blotter to mark them off.
For some reason, tonight Gramma and her friends
weren’t winning like they usually do. But then on
the “Cover All” game, I got every square. I
yelled out “BINGO” real loud, and the clerk came
over to check my card.
72
It turns out I messed up and covered a couple
of squares that I shouldn’t have. The clerk
announced that my win was no good, and everyone
else in the room was pretty happy that they
could keep playing.
Gramma told me not to call so much attention to
myself if I called out “Bingo” again, because the
regulars don’t like it when a newcomer wins.
I thought Gramma was pulling my leg, but sure
enough, the regulars sent one of their ladies
over to intimidate me. And I have to admit,
she did her job really well.
Well, today wasn’t exactly my best day ever. For
starters, I flunked my Science test. So it probably
would’ve been a good idea to have studied last night
instead of spending four hours at Bingo.
Friday
73
I fell asleep in sixth period today, and this time I
was out Cold—Mr. Watson had to shake me to
get me to wake up. As a punishment, I had to
sit in the front of the room.
That was just fine with me, because at least up
there I could sleep in peace.
I just wish someone woke me up when sixth period
ended, because I didn’t wake up until the next
period started.
Snore
Snork?
The class I woke up in was taught by Mrs. Lowry.
Mrs. Lowry gave me detention, and on Monday
I’m gonna have to stay after school to serve it.
Tonight I was totally jittery from my sugar
withdrawal, but I didn’t have any money to go
buy a soda or candy from the convenience store.
So I did something I’m not real proud of.
I went to Rowley’s and dug up the time capsule we
buried in his front yard. But I only did it because
I was desperate.
I took the time capsule back to my house, opened
it up, and got out my three bucks. Then I went
down to the convenience store and bought myself a
big soda, a pack of gummy bears, and a candy bar.
75
I guess I feel a little bad that the time capsule
me and Rowley put together didn’t stay buried
for a few hundred years. On the other hand, it’s
kind of neat that one of us got to open it,
because we had actually put some really good